https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 05:37:30 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2282978 Fri, 04 Sep 2015 11:35:27 +0000 simplyfelicity 2282978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jasmine: First of all, I feel like you need to give yourself a break from all this over-analysis. You say you live day to day but you are tormenting yourself. It's obvious by the simple fact that you are feverishly seeking validation from a group of Internet strangers. We are happy to listen, but to do more than that? We aren't qualified. </p> <p>Just because some of your problems originate with you (most people's do) doesn't mean that you are to blame. I don't think anyone is suggesting that you are at fault for what happened to you, but you have the power to change how you perceive the world around you. It's takes work. Hard work. More than just two months in therapy.</p> <p>I believe that your husband means well but that doesn't mean he gets to make the decisions. Don't want to work in an office? Don't. Don't want to have a baby (maybe ever?) Don't. Don't want to go back to school? Don't. </p> <p>If what you really, truly want to do is work at the shoe store, then do it. Your husband can't make you quit, he can't make you apply for the office job. It's all your choice. </p> <p>I think you need to find a new therapist who can focus working on techniques to optimize peace in your every day life. There is no right or wrong. Only what is right for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2282937 Fri, 04 Sep 2015 11:11:23 +0000 thestairs 2282937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want to clarify, right now I am in therapy to talk about my childhood emotional baggage. I been in therapy since July, now it Sept, so it almost 2 months in therapy already.<br /> And it didn't help much. If it help much there won't be this thread.. Maybe I need new therapist, maybe I need longer time in therapy.<br /> I know my normal meter is serverely broken. When I ask my therapist, even the therapist say my normal meter is broken.<br /> I am in therapy right now with an Asian-American therapist. I'm in California state.</p> <p>My therapist said this is NOT a husband problem. It all a "ME" problem, "MY" problem.<br /> She said she see nothing wrong with my husband.<br /> It all a "ME" problem, because subconciously I still let my mother drive a wedge between my marriage.. Maybe subconciously I still yearn for the loving mother that I know this lifetime I don't have.</p> <p>-----------------------------------<br /> Yes, I'm prone to anxiety, and I tends to be over-analytical. But I don't worried about the future much. I'm the pessimistic girl. I live day by day, I don't live for the future.<br /> The optimistic and the huge planner is my husband.. Not me, I'm not a planner at all.</p> <p>Thank you for all advice. In the past few days, I had talk more to my husband about this "Office job'. We already discussed this before, and we discussed it again and it back to square one.</p> <p>I said I'm not ready for a baby in 2016, and if we can hold it till 2017<br /> He said we can wait another year to TTC. But he still assertive on me prepare now, and start get the Office job.<br /> He doesn't want me work in Shoe Retail to climb on ladders when I'm pregnant/TTC, doesn't want me to run around get shoe for people to try on. </p> <p>Back then when I left my abusive mother house. I sleep in Women Homeless shelter becasue I didn't have anywhere to go. Then I find a cheapest rent place and I start my life over from scratch. I fight hard to get my freedom and independence. Break free from my verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling mother.<br /> I work at Chinese noodle restaurant washing dishes in the back, and do Food Server.</p> <p>He said he does Not want me to do those type of jobs anymore.<br /> Just like he said I does Not want me to work in Shoe Retail climbing on ladders, and be on my feet all day.<br /> He said back then I didn't have much a choice so I work those jobs. But now I have a choice, he said he make enough money for me to stay home. So stay home is a choice I have.</p> <p>He also give me a choice to go back to school. He said financially support me go back to school.<br /> But I'm a college dropped-out. My credits in college were just from took Calculus, Java and C++ classes. I don't know what can I do with those credits for a degree.<br /> And I'm 30 this year. Personally, I don't feel like I want to go back to school sit with young college age students.</p> <p>I immigrant with my whole family to USA at age 12, it been almost two decades in USA and I only go back to China to visit one time.<br /> I still have my grandmother in China, and I only came back to visit my grandmother one time. I admit to do miss my grandma alot.<br /> He said I want to take a vacation, if it helps me relax. He said he pay for my trip back to China to visit my grandma.</p> <p>He doing this all wrong. I feel like he manipulate me to depend on him.<br /> From my orginal post above, due to my childhood. Freedom and Independence it VERY important to me.<br /> I don't want to depend on him or anyone. The minimum wage job was my self-worth, I work so I have my source of income, I don't have to depend on anyone. My husband just doesn't get it. That I do Not want to depend on him.</p> <p>okay, like he have 1 job he get pay weekly, and 1 job he get pay bi-weekly.<br /> Every time he get pay, he always bring back those New $100 dollars bills, with the (s) as in more than one $100 dollars bills. He puts the money in the wallet at home for me.<br /> Every.single.time. he get pay he do that.. He been doing that eversince we got married.</p> <p>He said spend it on anything I want. Go shopping and spend it, buy things for myself.<br /> But I don't want to spend it, because I myself have a job too (eventhough it minimum wage)<br /> I value independence above all. I don't want to depend on him.. I feel that not getting it. He going at this all the wrong way.</p> <p>Heck, there alot of Chinese Dentist/Doctors offices here in the city where I live in California. I feel that I must get this Office job so he can be happy. If not he will just keep pushing it and pushing it.<br /> One of us gonna end up unhappy anyway.<br /> He will be unhappy if I carried his baby and work in Shoe Retail on my feet/climb ladders.<br /> I will be unhappy if I get the Office job. I'm unhappy because he make the choice for me.</p> <p>Yes, we talked about this many times. And he give me options: Stay home, TTC give birth to baby and care for baby.<br /> If I want to work, then it must be Office/Desk type of job where I be sitting instead of run around on my feet.<br /> Or go back to school if I want.<br /> It all him make the choice for me, he not getting it. And I feel that the manipulate me into me depend on him, by want to support me.</p> <p>I can talk and reasoning with him till my face turn blue, till smoke come out of my head. And he still not getting it. I feel that I'm doomed.<br /> The only way to solve this is get the office job he wants, or stay home.<br /> I don't want to stay home, so I pick the office job. I just hope over time I don't start to feel resentful over this office job. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2277635 Mon, 31 Aug 2015 09:41:58 +0000 snowjewelz 2277635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jasmine: I am so sorry! I am Chinese and while I haven't gone through anything you described, I completely understand how the culture/community is. That alone is a huge burden and source of stress. I def agree that you should really work out this issue before TTC; adding a child will probably just complicate issues even more. </p> <p>I feel like also if you are pregnant, you might change your mind to to want to work in an office instead! Just think if you have morning sickness, and you'll be super tired/fatigued and being on your feet all day will be tough. And when you're pregnant you tend to start really thinking more for your baby and not for yourself. </p> <p>With such deep rooted issue and trauma from childhood it probably takes a long time working with someone that you trust to overcome all these issues of self-worth, etc... How long did you see someone for? Can you share what state you're in? Maybe there are recommendations from other bees. </p> <p>Again, I am so sorry! I can just imagine what your family/relatives all say :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2277004 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 12:24:44 +0000 yoursilverlining 2277004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you should find another therapist. Maybe it is a "you" problem, and something that requires a professional to work through. </p> <p>I don't think your husband sounds controlling, but I also totally understand your feelings of not being told what to do with you life - I feel that way and I had a very healthy, happy childhood. I think what you feel is normal, and doesn't have to be directly related to your childhood. Lots of adult women don't appreciate when men tell them what they should do. </p> <p>I also think you should NOT ttc until you are ready to. Babies don't make marriages stronger or easier. They make everything more complicated, they bring out whatever stresses you already have. If you are not sure you want children, you should NOT have a baby essentially to make your husband happy. Good luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276982 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 11:04:30 +0000 BSB 2276982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jasmine: Definitely find another therapist. If you have ever felt judged by the therapist then it's time to see another therapist. You need to find someone that you feel comfortable with. Like others have said, this is the internet so we can't help you completely. We can support you but having a face to face session with a therapist can really help. I'm not sure whose fault it will be but it seems like you are starting to realize that your past has and will affect your future. It does seem like you have a great husband that really cares and loves you and you love him. You might be stubborn (like I am) with being told what to do but I think being able to see through your past might help you see where your husband is coming from. From my years of depression and anxiety, it does make you think everyone is out to get you. I used to be very negative but I've learned to see the positive in most things now. Most of my negativity was because of how I was raised. My mom and sometimes my dad made me think I was stupid and worthless. It took some time to get my self esteem up and see things in a positive light. Right now, I feel mentally better but I know that if I see signs of anxiety or depression that I can see my therapist again. I know after having kids, post partum depression is something I will have to worry about given my history so my husband and I will have to keep an eye on my mental status. In addition to being open to seeing a therapist, I also see an accupuncturist. I started seeing her 2 years ago for my fertility issues but I continue to see her for anxiety. Her sessions keep my mind quiet and prevents me from worrying too much. Granted, this was after years of seeing a therapist. So the acupuncture is helping maintain my calm and positive attitude. Accupuncture might not be right for you at this time but maybe later in the future. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276979 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 10:46:48 +0000 thestairs 2276979@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it.<br /> I did try Counseling in the past to talk about my childhood. This is was before I got married.. The counseling wasn't much helpful, because I still have alot of doubts about myself and my marriage. And I still let my mother drive a wedge into my marriage.</p> <p>Since last month, I have try Therapist, an Asian-American therapist. It didn't help much, if it help much then I wouldn't be here asking for advice in this thread.<br /> My therapist said it clear that this is NOT a husband problem. But it is MY problem. </p> <p>My therapist said, she see ZERO in anything wrong in my husband.<br /> I try to make it a husband problem, but therapist said it not.<br /> She said my husaband doesn't need counseling, because it NOT a husband problem.</p> <p>I don't know if I should keep continue going to this current therapist or not. I feel that I'm too fixated in my own traditional Chinese culture thinking, fixated my own rigid thinking. That I don't know if a therapist can help me snap out of it.</p> <p>My therapist even admit that my normal meter is very broken.<br /> My therapist said I don't know how to appreciate my husband.</p> <p>I don't know if being a marriage, being a wife, is something meant to be for me, let alone being a mom.<br /> I stay in this marriage it becasue I love this my husband. But deep down inside I know a marriage is probably not meant for me.</p> <p>In my orginal post, I talk about my childhood experience with my abusive mother. Becasue of this childhood, I go after freedom and independence. To me it like air, life is meaningless to me if I don't have freedom and independence.</p> <p>I ask for clarity in life. But to be frank, I know what I want in life.<br /> I like to be alone. I like to go where ever life drift to me. I like hiked the mountain by myself. I like to drive hours to the top of the mountain. I love to travel alone to different places.. I'm just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl. </p> <p>My whole life, I have one goal and only one goal. If I can't complete this goal, I feel that my life is incomplete and I will never be happy.<br /> I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there. </p> <p>I want to go to Africa or back to my homeland China. Do chairty work, help hungry children there. Perhaps died there. Perhaps this is the life that can give me internal peace and happiness.<br /> Like Missionary work, without the religious preaching.</p> <p>I just want to be a bird fly free in the sky, where I'm not being hold down by anyone/anything. Because of my childhood experience, this is very important to me. I need to be able to fly free like a bird. </p> <p>I don't know if this marriage was meant for me.<br /> I'm not even sure if I can function right without my husband. I know I love him, but half of me is still yearning to go to third world country do volunteer/charity works.</p> <p>I want to clarify that I did try Couseling and therapist, it not helping much. I can continue to try, but with the way I am, I don't know when I can snap out of it.</p> <p>I just feel sad for my husband. Perhaps he married the wrong wife, I don't even know if this marriage is fair for him.<br /> He trying his best to secure everything for me. From financial to emotional.<br /> All he wants is a baby, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for a baby. Here I am still think of going to third world country do charity work an died there. I know my normal meter is broken, I don't even know if I can find a right therapist to help me fix it.<br /> ---------------------------</p> <p>I'm sorry, but if someone is not Vietnamese or Chinese culture. It just harder for them to understand the tremendous PRESSURE I'm going through with my family, and the Chinese community of where my mother live.</p> <p>I'm being completely disown by my whole Chinese family, including the Chinese community where I grow up at. Why? Because I married a Black guy, that's why.<br /> It is fair for him and me? NO!! It not fair for both of us. But this is life, welcome to the rigid traditional Chinese culture life.</p> <p>I have accept it a long time ago. I'm numb now when it come to this ethnicity issue.<br /> Please don't misunderstood me. I know NOT all Chinese parents and Chinese community are like this.. BUT I'm speaking of my own personal experience with "my" Chinese parents, and the specific Chinese community where my mother live.<br /> There are still those who are closed-minded and rigid out there.</p> <p>Oh, and let not even talk about China. It even worser. All relatives or family related members I have in China, pretty much all ashamed of me. But whatever, I don't care.<br /> okay, I'm sorry, I noticed I sound upset in this last paragraphs. I get sensitive when it come to this.. Well, if you being "Isolated" and Disown by your whole family, it will became sensitive topic.</p> <p>Just want to say. Interracial marriage in USA, the top percentage is Asian and White couple. Alot of Chinese girls, Vietnamese girls married to White guys. This have become the normal, parents have accepted them.<br /> But this is NOT my situation.</p> <p>I'm married to a Black guy, huge different here. I understand why my parents disapproved my marraige.. But please please please, I wish my parentes just stop put tremendous PRESSURE on me. I can only take so much, I don't know when I will have an emotional break down.<br /> And this poor husband of mine. He does NOT deserve any of this.</p> <p>You right, I think I need to find another therapist.<br /> My problem is I love my husband too, I love him enough to choose him over my family. But I'm struggling alot inside, it just sooooo harddddd for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276973 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 10:25:15 +0000 BSB 2276973@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jasmine: Yeah, I'm familiar with that Vietnamese term. I can definitely see why you needed to break off your relationship with your mom. Hugs!! You are so strong to be able to do that a such at young age. There are definitely certain beliefs that my mom and my dad have that I totally disagree with. I just ignore them but to have your mom disown you is so so difficult and I'm so sad your mom has done this to you. I am glad that your dad is in your life.<br /> I'm not a therapist and I'm glad a fellow therapist has responded. Thank you @ldh112: I know some people don't like talk therapy so I didn't want to push it too hard especially since I'm not a therapist, but I agree with others to keep trying to see another therapist. Just like friends, you need to find one that you feel comfortable talking to and opening up to. I've been to therapy for individual issues (self esteem, anxiety, depression) but have also gone to marriage counseling. I've definitely been through a bunch that didn't feel right. So I saw another one. Some follow different methods and some have different personalities.<br /> I really think you will benefit in finding the right therapist. I definitely had some unresolved issues in my life and it took a lot to get passed them. As I mentioned before, some of it contributed to having marriage issues. Luckily, my husband and I decided to see a marriage counselor before things got worse. I was considering divorce. But here we are after 3 years of infertility, we are about to have twins (through IVF)! Our marriage is not perfect but much much better than it was when we were fighting a lot 2 years ago. (My husband and I have been married for close to 6 years now but have been dating off and on since high school so 14 years ago.) I highly suggest you see a therapist for your personal issues. I don't have any kids yet and I know how tough it will be when we have kids. So getting yourself to be in a better place emotional will be great for you, your husband and future kids. Best of luck to you. I know how it feels like to think how your past will affect your future. I definitely worried about having kids because of my own childhood. It's definitely taken time to realize that I won't be like my parents and that I can do (or at least try) much better than they did. I definitely don't want my children to go through the verbal and physical abuse I went through. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276962 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 09:50:58 +0000 ldh112 2276962@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a therapist myself, I understand that finding the right fit is not easy. First, it's good to remember therapists are just like anyone else- different personalities, different styles... I've seen 3-4 in my adult life and had different feelings about them all, with the fourth being the best fit. It's like any relationship so it is totally normal to need to try a few out before you find someone you really like.</p> <p>I agree with what a few others have said about finding a new therapist. I believe your childhood issues will probably impact you even more if left unresolved- a baby won't make certain struggles or worries go away and may make them worse if you don't have good support. I hope your husband knows your triggers around issues of control- in my own marriage I've found it very important to share my past hurts from my own family history. That way, he knows what things to be sensitive towards. It is so important to be able to open up about your emotions in your marriage. You two being on the same team is most important, and maybe having someone to talk to (you or both of you) - not on the Internet- will really help you manage your emotions and feel more confident in your life decisions. Good luck :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276959 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 09:38:37 +0000 simplyfelicity 2276959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: I 100% agree. </p> <p>@jasmine: I'm sorry you had a terrible childhood with an unloving mother. I am also sorry that your attempts at therapy didnt work out. I STRONGLY recommend that you find another therapist to better suit your needs. I had to meet with several before finding one that worked for me. I had a traumatic childhood (though different than yours) and will always need to be I therapy-- which is fine. I am in a good place but therapy is just like a tune up!<br /> All of your posts are so riddled with anxiety and are either obsessing about the past or the future. I am guilty of that, too, but all we have is today. A good therapist will help you to live in the day and ENJOY it. You deserve peace and it seems like you are getting in the way of that. You need to allow yourself to be happy...you deserve it. </p> <p>I can't really answer any of your questions because I feel like you know the answer...it's your perception that is spinning the attempts of a well-meaning husband into something else. If you could change your perceptions with therapy and some "soul searching," I think you would find that you don't need to ask a board of Internet strangers. You can trust yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276958 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 09:34:22 +0000 rosegold 2276958@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: agreed. </p> <p>you have been doing great so far! having a baby will change your life incredibly... its hard to be so set in stone on things before the baby has even arrived. i would definitely trust your husband on this one but you seem like you need a lot of face to face encouragement and support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276955 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 09:18:50 +0000 Truth Bombs 2276955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really think you would benefit from speaking to a therapist. All of your posts here have have been very long with some really complicated emotional problems. Strangers on the internet can't possibly know all the dynamics of your relationships and make knowledgable suggestions to you. I think seeing a therapist alone and together with your husband would be really beneficial to help you gain some clarity. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276893 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 03:07:01 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2276893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your husband has some valid reasons - he's worried about you and probably knows women that's worked in retail in the past and knows how hard it was for them when, especially during pregnancy. BUT ... he's going about it the wrong way. If he just told you all the positives about an office job vs retail, then maybe you'd come to the same conclusion yourself. He shouldn't force you into it. I think that by forcing you to look for a new job now (and it does make sense to look for it now before you start TTC), he triggered a reaction in you to stop everything and stay where you are.</p> <p>I think you need to talk to him. He needs to understand that you need to make these decisions on your own. However, I DO think an office job is more suited for your skills and much better for you and your future family. I think you need to just write down a list of pros and cons (staying in retail vs a desk job). If the an office job has more pros and makes more sense for you, then you should decide what's best. This list will help you figure out if you are being realistic or just being stubborn (this is regardless of what your husband's opinion is). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276883 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 00:18:51 +0000 MrsMccarthy 2276883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree it sounds like your husband is caring and just wants you to be safe during pregnancy. That said I do think you shouldn't let him rush you into baby until you feel sure you are ready. I'm sorry you had a difficult mother. I imagine that could also make becoming a mother more daunting. Sending hugs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276879 Sun, 30 Aug 2015 00:01:50 +0000 thestairs 2276879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you Ms. Line, JoyfulKiwi, BluestripedBee, LovehoneyBee, AprilFool. Thank you for all your advice. I will follow the advice given.</p> <p>Seem like I need to talk to my husband again. I know he just want what best overall for us, but internally I'm fighting this battle, due to my childhood experience. Counseling doesn't help much with my childhood, I try counseling before.</p> <p>He is a planner. He works hard to secure everything for us, financially and emotionally. He always save money for our future baby, save money for rainy days and save for our future. Financially I don't have to worried.</p> <p>He knows my Chinese family disapproved him him, he knows about my childhood baggge, and he still married me.<br /> I know he cares for me. I just wish he understanding more of my inside internal conflicts. He pressing me to get the Office job, that is like making the decission for me. And I hate hate that, it triggers my childhood experience with my abusive mother.</p> <p>In denfense of him, it NOT his fault that my Chinese family disown me. The solely reason why my parents disapproved him it because he African.<br /> Chinese parents doesn't want to see their daughter married an African guy. But it my life, and I love him. I choose him over my parents, I have zero regrets.</p> <p>BluestripedBee is Vietnamese. Vietnamese and Chinese culture is similar. I'm sure you know my struggling being an Chinese girl married to an African guy.<br /> My~ -Dden, you know that word right? My parents disapproved me married to My Den</p> <p>My mother who give birth to me, she said if she know I grow up married who I married, she rather not give birth to me.<br /> And tons tons of other hurtful things she said about me and my marriage. It just alot of pressure my mother giving me.</p> <p>--------------------------------------------<br /> Anyways, so I need to talk to my husband again? I understand him, when he make up his mind on something, it final.<br /> If I keep work on Retails, I know there will be an argument between us. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy.. But when come to carried his baby. He will have a say in his opinion about it.<br /> I climb on a little chair, and he get worried that I will fall. With the way he is, No way he will let me work in Retail being on my feet while pregnant.</p> <p>I did use the excuse maternity leave in Office job excuse, I said maybe we should hold back baby plan.. But He said stay home and TTC, he make enough for me to stay home.<br /> Or start looking for the office job now, and we go as plan TTC next year. I guess he doesn't want me to keep giving excuse and hold back TTC plan.<br /> We back to square one. Get the job that he wants aka Office job.</p> <p>okay, he pressing me 2 things: Keep my promise that I promise him we TTC in 2016<br /> And get an Office job, if not Office job then he wants me stay home TTC , give birth and take care of baby.</p> <p>So far he have been an awesome husband. He always protective of me. He affectionated, he caring, he secure everything from financial to emotional. I thought we have an peaceful marriage, until now.. He pressing it to be 'his' ways now.<br /> So pretty much I have no choice? But to get the Office job like he wants? Or else likely we will begin to have arguments and fighting in our marriage? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276875 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 23:24:54 +0000 AprilFool 2276875@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>&gt;&gt; I don't love Retail, I don't love running around getting shoe for customers to try on. But Retail was my choice, the choice I make.. Just like the choice I make when I chose him over my family. But I have no regrets, because it my choice, the choice I that make myself.&gt;&gt;</p> <p>I would tell him this and that you know he wants the best for you but you need to make the choice for yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276874 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 23:22:09 +0000 lovehoneybee 2276874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm on my phone, so this will be brief, but I just wanted to say that I think it would be much easier to have an office job while pregnant, rather than having to be on your feet running around. I was a zombie during the first 15 or so weeks of my pregnancy and so grateful I had a job that let me sit at a desk. And office jobs usually have better maternity leave and other benefits. At my job I had to be there for a year before I would be eligible for maternity leave, so I think it would be smart to start thinking about it now and get in if you're planning on TTC next year. </p> <p>I don't think your husband sounds controlling, I think he's really trying to consider what will be easiest for you in the long-term. </p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276869 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 23:11:03 +0000 BSB 2276869@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I grew up with a similar childhood being that my parents are Vietnamese. Yup, growing up my mom would call us dogs and tell us we were worthless. Also, she would physically abuse us if we did something bad. I've been hit on the butt with a vacuum cord for not completing my chores. It was definitely difficult and out of my siblings, I think I had the most trouble coping. I've had low self esteem and depression in the past. When I graduated from high school, I knew I had to go to college and have little to no support to pay for it. I have a lot of school loans but I worked hard to get where I am. Also, during college, I saw a therapist and was on anti-depressants medication. That was probably the first time I openly admitted my emotional and physically abusive childhood. I was then able to start the healing process.<br /> Anyway, I kinda know how you feel about being independent. My relationship is somewhat better with my parents because some recent drama with my dad. But overall, I don't have a normal relationship with my parents. We don't say I love you to each other and I would never go to my parents about emotional problems. I would go to my siblings, husband, or see my therapist. It took a long time to get to where I am now. I love my parents and would be saddened if they died but my siblings and I have been very independent since leaving their home when we graduated from high school.<br /> Anyway, looking at your situation with your husband, I think he has some valid points. I don't think he wants to control you but I think he wants to make sure that when you get pregnant that you aren't on your feet all day. He is thinking of his family (you and your/ his future baby). </p> <p>What you could do so you feel like you have some control is to see if he is willing to compromise. Could you look around at job listings where your skills could be used and you pick a job where you are less on your feet? Maybe see if there are any corporate positions at your retail job where you would be at a desk. </p> <p>But look around, find a job that YOU want to do. Ask him if you can have some time to look at what's out there. Tell him that you want to make the decision on where to work next.<br /> I've worked retail and not that it's bad for pregnant moms but I hated being on my feet all day. Also, I hated interacting with people. So retail was not for me. If you like working retail, you could see about staying in retail or sales... Like selling insurance. Even selling direct sales like (31 bags, Jamberry, Avon, etc.)<br /> As for working in a Chinese dr's office, it might be a good idea. You could try it and you might love it. You could also hate it. Maybe talk to your husband and ask him what happens if you hate it, can you try something else? I would hope that he would see that you are trying and let you explore other things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276866 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 22:51:54 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2276866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I obviously can't know your whole relationship, but from what you've said I don't think your husband is being controlling. I think he's trying to find a compromise for what you both want: you want to work; he probably wants you to take it "easy". Perhaps he always thought his future wife/mother of his childreb would stay at home and now he's adjusting to having one that works?<br /> I know because of your history it seems like he's trying to control you &amp; take away your choices &amp; you're in a "battle" with him over this. But, to someone who didn't have that type of unhealthy relationship with their parent, this seems like a reasonable conversation for spouses to have. To me, it doesn't sound like he's trying to take away your choice, it sounds like he's trying to find a middle ground on something that is important to both of you (the kind of work you do when pregnant/a new mother). You're not "losing" if you compromise or take a different job.<br /> You are kind of in a nice place - you can always try an office job and, if you don't like it, go back to retail or something else in the future. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276849 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 21:57:34 +0000 ms.line 2276849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hugs! It's so hard to break away from a controlling, abusive parent like that, and I'm so happy you did! I also hate feeling controlled, especially by men! That said, I do think your husband has some good points. I think it would be much easier physically, financially, and schedule-wise to work in an office rather than in retail, especially while you are pregnant and a new mom. And from what you described about your skill set, it sounds like your talents may be "wasted" in retail, too. Your husband definitely has some strong views on the issue, but it really seems like he has your (and your future baby's) best interests at heart. Perhaps he's just not being very nice/sensitive about the way he's addressing this, and that's stirring up a lot of difficult feelings for you. Maybe interview for some office jobs, and see how you feel about the opportunities presented? You could always go back to retail if you're really unhappy in an office environment. And keep talking with your husband! Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-my-husband-controlling-what-would-you-do-if-you-in-my-situation#post-2276845 Sat, 29 Aug 2015 21:45:17 +0000 thestairs 2276845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hello, I'm sorry this a longgg post. I know everyone time is precious, so please skip it if you don't have the time to spare. Thank you very very much, and I really appreciated for your help give me advice. Please tell me if my husband is controlling or not. And what would you do if you in my situation.</p> <p>A bit of my background, I feel that perhaps this is the roots of my problem.. I didn't have a good childhood. I grow up hearing my mother belittle me, verbally/emotionally abusive to me, and taking out her anger on me. It is the daily verbally abuse and belittle that strip down all my self-worth. To her, I worth less than a dog on the street.<br /> I left my mother house more than a decade ago, and started my life over from scratch. It was really hard being a girl and alone out there in life, but it was all worth it because of freedom. I'm not a fish in a bowl, I'm not a bird in a cage, I'm not a remote control for my mother to control.</p> <p>All my life, I work at miminum wage jobs. It not alot of money, but I was able to survived on my own without anyone help. I don't need my controlling mother at all.<br /> To me the minimum wage jobs help give me self-worth. It help me know that I at least worth something, that I'm not worth less than a dog on the street like how my mother belittle me. </p> <p>I was able to make my own choice for my own life, this was what I always goes after. Freedom and independence is the most important thing to me, to me it is like breathing.</p> <p>Fortunately, I'm married to a very patience and understanding guy. My husband know all about my emotional childhood baggage and he accept it all. He accept me for who I am.<br /> I make it very clear that after marriage and when we have kids. I will always continue to work minimum wage job. And he okay with it, because he knows how much this minimum wage job help give me with my self-worth.<br /> NEVER once he went back on his words on me.. But now seem like he change his mind, regarding let me work when pregnant and after have kids.</p> <p>Right now I work in Retail (Shoe department), pay hourly and commission. In Retail you have to be on your feet, running back and forth cashier register, get shoe for customers to try on, etc...<br /> It not always busy. But it will definately get busy when the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season come.</p> <p>My husband have baby fever. And I promise him that we TTC in 2016, and it approaching up.<br /> He is the type of husband that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't disagree with me. So far there no fighting or arguemnts in our marriage.. It been a smooth and peaceful marriage. So peaceful that ugh.. sometimes I ask myself, if me and him are normal or not.</p> <p>Well, now he no longer let me have things my way. He now voice his opinion and said his needs. He said that I should quit my Shoe Retail job, and get an office job instead.<br /> An Office job like receptionist, any office/desk type of job. As long as I be sitting instead of running around on my feet. And his reasons are below:</p> <p>---An Office job will be better for me during pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Since we will TTC in 2016, he said I should start looking for an Office job now.<br /> He doesn't want me to carried my pregnant stomach be on my feet getting shoe for people to try on, like how my Retail job is right now.. He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to be pregnant, and work in Retail, at all.</p> <p>---He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word.<br /> And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages. He thinsk I should use these skills to get an office job.<br /> I did work at an office job once, but it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.<br /> He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.<br /> He said any office job I want, Chinese Dentist office, Chinese Doctor office, business office, anything I want. As long as it an office job.</p> <p>---My husband does work alot. He work 1 full time job m-f weekdays. And 1 part time job sat-sun weekend.. So he wants us to spend time together as much as we can.<br /> We always eat late dinner together. But when Retail job get very busy during Thanksgiving Black Friday/Christmas time, I will have to work late and miss out dinner with him.<br /> He doesn't' want me to work late during holiday time in Retail. He wants me to be at home and spend holiday family time with him.</p> <p>---He said he make enough for me to stay home. So if I want to work, it MUST be an Office job. Or else stay home, TTC and give birth to a healthy baby.<br /> He far far from rich, but he does make almost 4 times more than me. Financially it not a problem.<br /> We both are Not big spender, and we both are Debt-free. Right now he alone make $70,000 a year, sometimes he make a bit more. He also do get yearly raise. I know he doing fine by himself alone with his income.</p> <p>But I feel that he not getting it, it NOT about the money. It about my childhood experience, and my need of freedom and independence.<br /> Arg! But he make it loud and clear that If it not an Office job. Then he wants me to stay home give birth, and stay home take care of the baby.</p> <p>---He knows I married him resulted in my family disown me. My mother didn't approved him, she thinks I bring shame to the family. And make her 'Lose face" to the close-knit Chinese community where she live.<br /> I have alot of pressure from my family and the Chinese community where my mom live. I feel "isolated" because I have zero family support, zero family to turn to.<br /> He knows all about this, and he knows how "isolated" I feel. So get an Office job at Chinese Dentist/Doctor office. Perhaps it can let me be closer to the Chinese environment and closer to my roots.</p> <p>I know my husband probably just want the best for me. But what bothering me is that he knows all about my childhood struggling. He knows how important independence is to me. He knows how much I hate when someone trying to make choices for my life.<br /> I struggle alot internally inside, I fight so hard to break free from my mother controlling. I fight hard to have the freedom that I have right now, the freedom to make my own choice.</p> <p>But now my husband is making the choice for me. He pick a job for me to work, the job that he wants aka Office job. He make it loud and clear that it must be an Office job, or stay home and let him support me.</p> <p>I don't love Retail, I don't love running around getting shoe for customers to try on. But Retail was my choice, the choice I make.. Just like the choice I make when I chose him over my family. But I have no regrets, because it my choice, the choice I that make myself.<br /> Now I feel that he trying to take my freedom to make a choice.. If now I listen him and get the office job just because he told me so. That means I lose this battle, the battle I fight so long to get my freedom and independence.</p> <p>Is what my husband doing is controlling? Just to be fair to him, he does have the tendency to be over-protective. Like he doesn't let me to climb on a chair to change the dead lightbulb on top of the ceiling. He worried I will fall off the chair.. He doesn't let me carried supermarket bags, he doesn't let carried laundry. He prefer to carried it all for me.<br /> He doesn't let me do anything heavy around the house at all. All the maintenance and heavy things around the house he volunteer do it. All I have to do is cook and wash dishes.</p> <p>He keeps pressing me to start looking for an Office job now. Frankly, I don't have have listen to him and keep work in Retail. But then I feel that there will be an Argument going on, because he make it very clear that he wants me to work in an Office job environment.</p> <p>I don't know what to do. Half of me think that he right, because office job is better for me during and post pregnancy. But then half of me is fighting inside, because of my childhood, I hate hate it when someone make a choice for me and for my life.</p> <p>What would you do if you under my situation? If you in my marriage, what would you do? Regarding my husband and his keep pressing for me to get an Office job.<br /> I'm sorry for the long post and vent, but I want to get this off my chest. It just so much struggling I have inside, all these internal conflicst inside I keep having. arg!</p> <p>This year I'm 30, he's 29 (he turn 30 next month in Sept)<br /> I don't know if the baby can wait, but I promise him we TTC in 2016 next year. </p>