https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 15:21:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562388 Mon, 06 Jun 2016 08:42:50 +0000 snowjewelz 2562388@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I'm like you! I'm super OCD about cleaning. And DH, is the completely opposite, haha. There are times I've nagged about cleaning to him and it never ends well. So I've really been looking at the positives and all the stuff he DOES do. </p> <p>For me, I finally let go once I got pregnant again and in 1st trimester. That coupled with parenting a toddler left me NO energy to even care. DH did all the laundry, we left clean laundry unfolded for weeks, DH cleans the bathroom only once every 2 weeks, the kitchen... Let's not even go there. I just keep telling myself that once I feel better I can be in control again! I really cannot put my own expectations on what a clean house is on him. He's been getting the basics done and that's all I can ask for, for now. My standards are WAY too high for anyone. People are always amazed at how clean our house is with a kid and dog; I tell them I'm not doing it for them, lol! I'm only happy/relaxed when the whole house is clean and in order. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562385 Mon, 06 Jun 2016 08:41:59 +0000 Cherrybee 2562385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Yeah, you see, unlike you, I dont cook very often (DH does). Im sure my DH would prefer a wife who cooks instead of cleans! We've talked about hiring a weekly cleaner when I go back to work (I'm on a 6-12 month maternity leave with significantly reduced pay) and I think that's what we will need to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562376 Mon, 06 Jun 2016 08:33:11 +0000 irene 2562376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You should marry my husband instead lol. Or if you have married me you would have divorced me already.</p> <p>We are the other way around..... and man, I think DH would be so happy if I were more like you. Kudos to you. My priorities is never in cleaning and when I am so tired working and cooking and taking care of my son...etc. I slip on cleaning. Yes of course no one wants to live in a messy house but I only have 2 hands and 24 hours a day. We don't have a cleaning lady. My husband gets mad at me when the house is messy and dirty. And no we don't vaccum our staircase .... maybe more than 8 weeks in a row. Yikes :D</p> <p>Maybe you can consider hiring cleaning help, say every other week or even every month? This way you clean when you can, but when you are really slipping someone is picking up for you and you won't be in a complete anxious state of being in a horribly dirty / messy house? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562350 Mon, 06 Jun 2016 07:12:32 +0000 looch 2562350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a clean house, but I've also realized that different people have different acceptable levels of clean. My husband, for example, thinks something is clean when it doesn't have clutter on it, but won't even address a 2 inch layer of dust (not kidding!!!).</p> <p>I asked my husband specifically what his expectations were for a clean house and he said that he doesn't care, it's basically whatever my threshold is and that's his too. I asked if he would pitch in and help clean and he said there were other ways he'd want to spend his time, but if we had to, we could split the duties. I knew this was a recipe for disaster because his timeline is different than mine is, so we opted to hire a cleaning lady because otherwise, it would never get done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562335 Mon, 06 Jun 2016 04:24:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2562335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone. :heart: </p> <p>@ladybee: I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Its amazing how similar our symptoms are...... I think the fact that I have been so consumed by it at times is the reason I get so defensive when DH suggests that any attempt I make to clean is driven by mental illness! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562290 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 20:56:57 +0000 Anagram 2562290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well.....we clean the house together every weekend:: vacuum, dust, mop, clean kitchen, clean bathrooms. So I don't think it's unreasonable. But we also both hate cleaning and we tend to fight over who cleans what, when and who watches the kids. So, we have the same issues!</p> <p>And yes, my husband also always comes up with ridiculous projects when the whole house needs to be clean. Last weekend our house was destroyed because we'd had his parents and then my mom and niece in our tiny 2 bedroom condo--everything was filthy. And he decided that he HAD TO reorganize and clean out our master closet. Like, he wanted to pore over his clothing, and decide what to keep and throw. Meanwhile, we have two kids, needed to grocery shop, needed to vacuum, mop, dust, clean bathrooms. We had a huge fight and in the end, he spent most of his "down time" (non child minding time) that day cleaning the closet and I did ALL the other cleaning in my "down time" (ugh I feel like it shouldn't be downtime if I'm cleaning, which I loathe).</p> <p>But yeah, you are not alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562279 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 20:13:13 +0000 Grace 2562279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's not crazy to want some time to clean. I think the question is how much time do you want to have without kids to clean every week? If I was doing a "proper clean" of my house, it would take the whole day. And I do think that's unreasonable. I'd fight for 3 hours and settle for 1.5-2. Alternatively, I like the idea that a PP had that you each get some time to do whatever. My DH and I each get one morning of the weekend off. He usually sleeps. I clean/garden/go jogging/run errands. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562235 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 17:25:24 +0000 lamariniere 2562235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally get the anxiety. I WAH so I am home ALL the time. I cannot function if the house is untidy. We have a weekly cleaner come in, but I spend at least 45 min a day doing little things like tidying up the kitchen, putting things away, vacuuming, etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to schedule a once a week cleaning, especially since it makes you happy/less anxious. Your DH should try to be more understanding and either pitch in or take care of the girls while you clean. And no, you really can't have the LOs help and have it be efficient! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562230 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 16:41:23 +0000 PawPrints 2562230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your DH really should have cleaned the bathroom a few times during the past 8 weeks!</p> <p>He's not entirely wrong in saying that cleaning standards usually relax some when two kids are in the house, but it sounds like he's using that as an excuse. Ideally he should step up and do some of the cleaning himself, but if he flat refuses to do that, it really is the bare minimum to expect him to watch the kids while you do it. Telling you to entertain your 3-year-old while you clean, when you are only 8 weeks postpartum, is off the charts nuts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562222 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 16:21:35 +0000 Mama Bird 2562222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel for you! My husband is amazing and does so much around the house, but he has zero understanding that he needs to get both kids out of my hair for a couple of hours, once a week, if the house is to get cleaned. It's gross now, and slowly driving me insane. I'm not obsessed with cleanliness, but the line of how much mess I can tolerate has long been crossed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562218 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 16:01:58 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2562218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think a weekly real cleaning is unreasonable although that would be much more than I would be willing to do myself. Perhaps he can prioritize your need to clean the way you entertain his drill chores. If E likez helpinf so much with chores you can give her laundry stuff while you clean in the same room. Folding at three can take some time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562209 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 15:37:08 +0000 youboots 2562209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe schedule it 1x a week? For a certain amount of time. He could take the kids out? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562208 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 15:34:52 +0000 periwinklebee 2562208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you're being reasonable. I am definitely not a compulsive cleaner (there's times when our place has gotten bad!), but I do prefer to keep the floors regularly vacuumed and toilets cleaned. If I start to notice crumbs sticking to my feet, just yuck. </p> <p>I know it's a bit of an investment, but perhaps a roomba (or other similar brand) would be useful? You can time it to run everyday and then wouldn't need anyone to watch the kids while it cleaned. Mine is one of my most precious possessions :silly: Perhaps it doesn't help if doing the vacuuming helps you to unwind, but if you just want it to be clean, it's a miracle machine! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562205 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 15:04:12 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2562205@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if you're willing to do the cleaning, he should be willing to keep kids away for a reasonable period of time. Maybe not 3 hours but at least an hour to do some quick spots </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562197 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 14:53:52 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2562197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you deserve a medal for cleaning. Seriously, no one wants to live in filth, even if it isn't really dirty. DH and I pretty much suck at cleaning, but his tolerance is a lot less than mine. I think you should be praised for wanting to clean. But at the same time, I find his DIYing and "dinner obsession" really endearing! Ya'll both deserve medals! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562188 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 14:29:55 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2562188@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: that's so hilarious. The dinner thing. It actually reminds me of my husband! He loves when I cook but hates cleaning it up... And he does clean it up cause he has become fair like that :) I have said the words "normal people eat real meals" to him before for sure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562187 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 14:18:11 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2562187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll start by saying that I'm the opposite of you in regards to cleaning. I'm perfectly fine doing a "proper clean" every third week, as long as the rest of the house is generally tidy (and the kitchen has been cleaned.)<br /> BUT, I don't think you're being unreasonable. A clean home is important to you and you should be given some time to dedicate to that, kid free. Saying you need to have the older child "help" sounds like a cop-out to me, especially because he gets "kid-free" time for his desired projects. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562176 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:38:56 +0000 Mae 2562176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>lol his dinner obsession. sorry but thats hilarious :) </p> <p>I will say--- I don't get it at all. I was sort of primed to disagree with you because I think my husband has similar tendencies as you and while I appreciate having a clean house it annoys me how he gets tunnel-visioned trying to do it and loses track of time and like, a dirty house is not the end of the world. </p> <p>But like I said above-- regardless of WHAT you're doing I think you both need some private time to do what is important to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562175 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:32:47 +0000 Boogs 2562175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know exactly what you mean. When I need to get something done, it's with the kids. And it's not always easy or safe. Then there's DH, don't get me wrong, he's great, but he also doesn't realize that when he needs to get something done the kids are my responsibility. When it's the other way around, things don't always work the same. Lots of reminders help, but it's definitely something that usually needs to be communicated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562173 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:29:01 +0000 ladybee 2562173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm going to say no, your expectations are not way off. I too, am an compulsive, anxiety driven cleaner/purger. It physically and mentally makes me feel better so my expectation is that DH understands that and makes that available to me when I need it. Right now my PPD/PPA has been horrible. The last 6 weeks have been unbearable. My friend at work let me clean/organize her classroom because she loves me and knows I need it. DH has stepped up his usual basic cleaning (he's actually ran the vacuum!) and has given me time to do what I need to calm down.</p> <p>Isn't that accepting and loving the other person? I don't need a spotless house but I do need a pretty clean one (as in it needs to be vacuumed regularly, bathrooms cleaned, and dusted) to function. I like you could eat cereal every night. DH isn't like this so I've learned to to help make dinner and feed our children real meals. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562170 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:24:05 +0000 Cherrybee 2562170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>PS: can I just add that I'm open to accepting when my behaviours are way off. When I first met DH, I never cooked because I didn't like dirtying the kitchen. I lived off of wine and pre-packaged sandwiches. I still get really irritated by what I feel is his "dinner obsession", but I also accept that normal people eat dinner every night and so I remind myself that *I'm* the problem here. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562168 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:22:30 +0000 Mae 2562168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I have similar issues, not me with cleaning, but I think he has some anxiety-related cleaning issues and just in general we have disagreements about what is a priority to get done and what is not (I'm more of a lets-do-the-basics person and he jumps into projects when I feel there are basics to be done). We're still working on it. </p> <p>But our plan (which works when we do it) is that we each get equal time to do whatever we want to do every week. Usually just an hour or two each per weekend. I don't care if he cleans or plays video games. He doesn't care if I do laundry or get my toes did. It was sort of a problem for us when we tried to separate things into "time to do necessary things" v "time off" because we disagreed about what was necessary when. But having equal time off from kid-duty to do WHATEVER is helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562167 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:21:15 +0000 Ms maths 2562167@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think everyone has their own standards of cleanliness. And dirty toilets don't physically hurt anyone :wink: (I say this as someone who also has trouble living in an untidy house and definitely has different standards than my spouse.)</p> <p>But, at least as you described it, your husband isn't making room for some of your priorities while assuming you will for his. So, I think your request for some cleaning time is totally reasonable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-an-unreasonable-expectation#post-2562166 Sun, 05 Jun 2016 13:16:21 +0000 Cherrybee 2562166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I have been arguing like cat and dog today - which we always do whenever I try to get some cleaning done. :bummed: </p> <p>Now, first, I do need to confess that I have a bit of a cleaning problem. Its not a germ phobia but it is a compulsion, anxiety related. I cannot relax if things are out of place. I've been working really, really hard to manage it (I've been having talking therapy) and I'm doing well - but the compulsion is always there underneath and, when I'm stressed, it surfaces. </p> <p>Anyway, onto today. The house was FILTHY this morning and I'm not exaggerating - I haven't been able to clean the family bathroom since S was born 8 weeks ago, save for a swish round with the loo brush. The stairs hadn't been hoovered for the same length of time. You get the picture, right? I told DH that I needed time today to blitz the house. He answered that I need to get E (almost 3) to help me, instead of asking him to take her out of my way, because she likes "helping mummy". And she does like it..... but it is definitely more of a hindrance! It took me two hours to clean one room, with her help, and I had a whole house to clean - so I expressed my irritation to DH. Basically, he said my expectations are way off and I need to accept that we wont have a perfect house with two kids. Now I fully accept that it wont be perfect and I work really hard to control my urges (I used to hoover every morning before breakfast!) but is it unreasonable to want to clean it properly once a week (I pick up every evening after E is in bed but never have time for proper cleaning after I've cleaned the kitchen after dinner and tidied downstairs)? </p> <p>I'm gonna vent now......</p> <p>........ my hubby is an amazing guy. He works very hard to our family. He works two jobs, he does his fair share of laundry, cooks most meals and dotes on his kids. He doesn't go out with his friends or play video games - he is all work and family. (he's wearing the baby now as we speak) But, oh my god, he always has something he needs to do that involves a drill and me dealing with the kids! Today, while I cleaned, he put up a new outside light and then decided we needed to move E's room around. That took all afternoon, as he unbotlted her furniture from the wall, moved it about and re-attached it. Gah! The toilet is revolting, man, why is this a priority????? Rant over. </p> <p>So, yeah, is my expectation way off? To clean the house properly once a week, given that I keep on top of laundry and tidying daily? Do other people clean less frequently? </p>