https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 11:44:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1751208 Thu, 10 Jul 2014 19:46:27 +0000 Somebunny 1751208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used both of those rules when LO was born. Birth can be crazy enough without extra people hanging around. I was not comfortable with anyone besides hospital staff and DH seeing me in the various states of undress I was in. I needed to be able to relax and as much as I love my family, in laws included, I couldn't with them there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1751086 Thu, 10 Jul 2014 19:30:16 +0000 Tanjowen 1751086@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Skadi: Nope, not unreasonable at all. I had the same rule on the delivery and asked for calls before visits too. I had a few ignore the rule and they were politely asked by my husband to sit out in the hall or waiting room until I was ready to see them - more often than not I was breastfeeding or getting blood drawn or a check done, and nobody but my husband was welcome in the room during those times.</p> <p>I will say that most nurses are pretty awesome about running interference, so we didn't even have a chat with our parents. They just didn't even allow them back after the delivery until we were okay with it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1750938 Thu, 10 Jul 2014 19:07:12 +0000 limabeanbabies 1750938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think she is crazy for giving you such a hard time about it all! Goodness. You are the mom and star of the show, so you should call the shots. I think you need to sit down before your next baby is born and help her realize how you feel. Whether you have visitors or not is your decision. I wish we would have waited longer to have visitors with our first, though. I hardly got any rest after 24 hours of labor! Anyway, next time I plan on keeping visitors to a minimum until we get home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720591 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 09:54:59 +0000 MapleMoose 1720591@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Eek I can't imagine having anyone except DH and the medical staff in the room during labor and delivery. As for the visitation after, I would already be reminding MIL (and others) that if they should want to visit then the rule is call first to make sure it is okay. Keep reminding her specifically (your DH should probably be the one doing that, his mother and all). You just gave birth, your child, you get to make the rules. That's how I see it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720419 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 09:09:49 +0000 LuLu Mom 1720419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you keep it a secret and not announce until you go home? I think that woul dbe better than saying "Baby's Here! No visitors allowed." Instead say "Baby has Arrived and we are home doing great! let us know when you would like to visit." that takes out the unwanted hospital guest if they aren't aware when the date is! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720416 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 09:09:14 +0000 MrsPastryLady 1720416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You should check out Amalah's Advice Smackdown posts about "delivery room wars" because I think that she has commented on some of these same situations. </p> <p><a href="http://alphamom.com/tag/labor-delivery-turf-wars/" rel="nofollow">http://alphamom.com/tag/labor-delivery-turf-wars/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720399 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 09:05:06 +0000 shortcake 1720399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What if you assigned her to watching your LO while you were in the hospital. that way you would know she couldn't visit while making her feel important and needed. Also I think any talk with her has to come from both you and your husband, not just you alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720372 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:54:06 +0000 babynumber1 1720372@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Skadi: It is unreasonable for her to demand to be at the birth. However, my MIL and mother would have been extremely hurt if they were not able to see their new grandchild. It woudl have caused a severe riff in our relationship, and that would not be worth it to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720337 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:40:08 +0000 Grace 1720337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just didn't tell anyone I was in labour. Phoned everyone in the morning. Who is watching LO#1? You could get MIL to watch and then she wouldn't be able to be there for the birth. And no, you aren't unreasonable. I know lots who didn't have visitors. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720335 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:39:15 +0000 Mrs. Blue 1720335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ultimately, I think that it's up to you guys, but in our family, I would worry about making more drama by not allowing them to visit at all in the hospital, unless you will only be there for a few hours. </p> <p>As for who's actually in the room when when you deliver, I'm of the opinion that other than you, baby, and the medical staff, anyone else is free game to prohibit from being there. I didn't want anyone but DH last time and this time I think I'd like my mom to be in there, but I would never consider anyone else actually being there for delivery itself. Our hospital was very clear that the nurses were more than willing to help keep people out unless/until the couple was ready, so I bet they would be more than willing to run interference. </p> <p>I had more people around during and after the hospital stay than I maybe would have liked at times . . . .but I just tried to remind myself how much I would want to be involved if it was one of my kids having a baby. That kind of helped me be able to deal. You have to do what's right for you guys, though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720315 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:33:39 +0000 mrs. wagon 1720315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No way in hell did I want even my own mom at my deliveries, let alone my MIL!! I was 100% firm that my husband be the only person present other than the medical folks.. luckily for me everyone else was on board with that. Your body, your delivery, your rules. That's my two cents. If someone can't understand that, they're not being respectful of your wishes, no matter how much they feel they have a right to see the baby immediately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720300 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:29:59 +0000 hilary 1720300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not unreasonable at all. Birth and recovery are HARD! DH and I have a rule though where we agree to what we want and we each deal with our own families. I think it's so much harder for parents to be offended by their 'perfect' son/daughter than the in-law. Plus it's much easier (at least for us) to be the bad guy to our own parents. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720292 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:28:57 +0000 namaste 1720292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You're not being unreasonable at all. I really like that my hospital has a great visitor's policy and can arrange for a password to be used. You also have to have the full name and room number before even being allowed in the maternity ward. </p> <p>Definitely set boundaries about when it's ok to visit so you won't be uncomfortable and have your SO also assist in making sure your MIL understands. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720283 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:27:13 +0000 avivoca 1720283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is not unreasonable at all. I went into labor at night and arrived at the hospital at 5 am, so we didn't have visitors until around 4:00 pm that day she was born. We didn't let anyone know when I went into labor/to the hospital, and posted on FB three hours after she was born. </p> <p>I did not want anyone waiting around in the waiting room while I was laboring and made that part of my birth plan. I think that next time around, I will request that we have no visitors in the hospital. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720263 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:21:41 +0000 loveisstrange 1720263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not unreasonable at all. She needs to chill. I wouldn't want my MIL looking at my vajayjay. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720254 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:17:56 +0000 blackbird 1720254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL was in the waiting room and I still wish she had given us more time before popping in. I wasn't comfortable with it. Next time, she'll have E so hopefully this can be avoided. I've let DH know that I really wasn't comfortable with it, but I wasn't exactly in the position to bring it up then, either. i was induced, so that made it difficult to keep it all quiet. </p> <p>I would also prefer hospital visitors to visitors at home. They don't linger as long at the hospital :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720183 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 07:11:38 +0000 honeybear 1720183@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One way to keep her out of your business in the hospital is not to tell anyone that you're in labor. This strategy for keeping people out of the delivery/waiting room works exceedingly well--I did it more or less accidentally. (And really, who wants to spend time sitting in a hospital when they don't have to? I don't understand the motivation there, but I know a lot of people do it, because I walked by more than a few extended families on the phone in the waiting room saying things like "well, she's pushing now, so any minute!" after I'd delivered. Honestly. I really wondered if they had nothing better to do. It's not like their presence in the waiting room was making a material difference to the proceedings in the delivery room.) Then you call and tell everyone the happy news when you're ready for them. I think grandparents should probably be called the day of, or the following morning if it's a late-night event. </p> <p>If she's unhappy at being excluded afterwards, you and your husband rehearse this line: "We really wanted you to be there, but things were happening so fast this time, that there was no time to call/text/email anyone after making sure that Child #1 was taken care of." This strategy only really works if you are also okay with not telling anyone else that you're going to the hospital, and keeping the details of your labor to yourself thereafter. None of those are things she needs to know anyhow. I would expect most grandparents to be exceedingly pleased to have a healthy grandbaby and a healthy daughter/daughter-in-law without thinking twice about how either of them got to that point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720152 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 06:39:13 +0000 looch 1720152@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How many days are you in the hospital? More than two?</p> <p>I know I go against the grain in this but I would much rather have visitors at the hosptial than at home. It's much easier to enlist the help of nurses to come in and end the visit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720115 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 05:45:48 +0000 Mae 1720115@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd probably just not call her to let her know about the birth until the 2nd day in the hospital. Then tell her when is convenient to visit. </p> <p>I didn't really allow visitors other than my parents to come to the hospital. Luckily most of our family is not local so that wasn't such an issue. The only issues is that my FIL/SMIL live 3 hours away and were all "call us when you go into labor so we can head to the hospital!" and I had to tell him that we really wanted and needed some privacy for the birth and the first few weeks after so it would be best if they waited a bit to visit. They weren't thrilled but they respected it. Although I don't know if I could've gotten away with that if they were local. But since they live farther away and its like a LONG visit it seemed totally reasonable to me to not want them camping in my house for a whole day while I'm still only several days pp. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720084 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 03:46:57 +0000 Cherrybee 1720084@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I don't know a single person who did have their MIL at the birth!! </p> <p>Before LO, was your MIL quite normal?! I remember my MIL was really, really excited about E being born, which in turn made her stress out about how much she was going to see her grandaughter etc. Once things settled down, she went back to her old, normal self!! I hope that once the initial excitement of the grandbaby wears off, your MIL will start respecting your boundaries more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720067 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 01:44:31 +0000 lamariniere 1720067@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You aren't being extreme! My MIL wanted to come for the birth, especially to help with our older child (she lives in another country). I said absolutely not and that she couldn't come until the new baby was at least 1 month old, which she did and it was fine. You are the one giving birth, so I totally think you are allowed to make your own rules, especially since you've been through this before and know how you felt the first time around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720058 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 00:31:11 +0000 googly-eyes 1720058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mil tried to come to the hospital when dh texted her that I was admitted, just to lend support, and I had him tell her to wait til lo was out! She obliged and came the next day, a few hours after lo was born. We have a good relationship and I don't think there were hard feelings. I'll consider letting her be at the next birth if she's not the one with lo. Anyway all this to say, I didn't invite my mil either, no you're not unreasonable, and I would try to have your dh take control of this one if possible. If you truly don't want ANY visitors, go for it. If not see if your dh can make things clear to her. It's up to you. It's not like you're putting up a sign that just says "no MIL," lol. That would be unreasonable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720028 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 23:22:32 +0000 MoonMoon 1720028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Um, she's never heard of a MIL not being present for a birth, really? Really? That's insane. I don't know a single friend or acquaintance whose husband's mother watched their baby being born, I think that would be the vast minority.</p> <p>I think requesting no visitors is fine, and totally commonplace. Our nurse said she considered it part of her job to run interference for us and make us comfortable by enforcing whatever visitor policy we wanted. Think of it as a few days of respite before you get home and can't control things as easily! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1720024 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 23:14:11 +0000 StbHisMrs 1720024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My Mom was there for two of my three labors, I'm sad she missed the third. I would've had a major major issue with my MIL and SMIL being there. They arranged visiting times with my Husband and I don't think they were insulted. Actually I think my FIL &amp; SMIL were at the hospital while I was pushing for #2 but didn't come in for a while afterward. </p> <p>I'd ask your Husband to set some strict boundaries! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719989 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 22:50:16 +0000 JennyD 1719989@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you just forget to call her to tell her you've gone to the hospital ;) these things happen when you're in labour. It might be a little passive/aggressive, but it doesn't sound d like she's likely to respect your wishes.</p> <p>My mom came after my baby was born and totally overstayed. I wish I had told her she could come later. I was exhausted. </p> <p>If I were to do it again, I wouldn't call my mom to tell her baby was born until I was ready for her to come visit. Twenty minutes before visiting hours were over. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719978 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 22:42:37 +0000 lovehoneybee 1719978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Sapphiresun: heh me! Both my MIL AND FIL (and mother) were with us the whole time! But I'm very close with them and always assumed I was pretty much the exception....</p> <p>I agree with pps....I'd probably let your husband take the leads and set the boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719972 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 22:34:38 +0000 Sapphiresun 1719972@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think that's unreasonable. I don't think I know anybody who had their MIL in the room while they were actually birthing, so I would venture a guess that her recollection is a statistic made up for her own convenience... </p> <p>As for visitors, I also asked people to let me know when they might be coming. It wasn't exactly complied with... but if someone showed up at the hospital and it was inconvenient I made them wait outside until my boobs were back in my shirt or the nurses were finished looking my my lady bits. I just framed it like that, that I wouldn't want to keep people waiting if we were otherwise busy so it was best to call first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719968 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 22:32:44 +0000 bunnylovesbear 1719968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I cannot imagine asking family not to visit. In fact, I think I'd be offended if they didn't stop in to see us! With that said, I do think your MIL is being unrealistic. I don't see anything wrong with not wanting her present during the actual birth. I can't even imagine why she would expect to be there for that... while maybe she is just excited and trying to be supportive, I just don't understand how or why she would expect to be present. That's a deeply private and personal affair! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719925 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 22:01:51 +0000 Boheme 1719925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think your SO can handle establishing some firm boundaries with her? She is totally out of line.</p> <p>FWIW, we didn't allow visitors at the hospital at all, and none at home if they didn't call first. No regrets at all :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-this-unreasonable#post-1719912 Tue, 24 Jun 2014 21:53:15 +0000 MamaCate 1719912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it is probably time for a yucky hard conversation with MIL. Your SO should take the lead if he can handle it. I would want to try to give her one more chance to show she can respect your wishes. Explain your reasoning and explain that you want this to work for you, her, SO and baby. If she cannot demonstrate the ability to respect this, then I think a no visitor policy is appropriate.</p> <p>Also, for what it is worth, my MIL was NOT present at my LO's birth. My mom was and I was initially planning to ask her to leave partway through. She was totally fine with doing whatever I wanted so that helped me feel comfortable having her stay. </p> <p>Whatever you decide, your wishes and needs are most important. </p>