https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 11:55:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2184394 Wed, 20 May 2015 11:32:59 +0000 macintosh 2184394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: you've gotten lots of good advice here. I just want to commiserate. My DS is 2.5 weeks old and my mom is insanely jealous if my in-laws. Even though she was there at the hospital when he was born. Even though the in-laws live on the other side if the country. Try not to let your mom get to you, just do what you need to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2184383 Wed, 20 May 2015 11:21:33 +0000 dagret 2184383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: If your work is putting it in, I'm guessing they will need to comply with state regulations for daycares -- i would check those out. My state's specifically spell out requirements for a visitation policy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2183954 Tue, 19 May 2015 22:43:29 +0000 Grace 2183954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: One thing to consider regarding daycare - are you involved at all in how it's being set up? If you are, try to make the security more serious. A swipe access on the room or something. The reason I say this, is daycares are often locked not necessarily because there are wackos looking to steal your kid. It's to keep unauthorized family members (like non-custody parent during a divorce or someone like your mom) out. If she is able to "barge right in", security is too lax. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2183681 Tue, 19 May 2015 17:14:59 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2183681@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Peasinapod: Hopefully my mom will be more like yours once the baby arrives! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182683 Tue, 19 May 2015 08:25:43 +0000 catomd00 2182683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: as for daycare, if she isn't on the emergency contact list she can't be there. So, don't put her on the form! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182634 Tue, 19 May 2015 07:51:48 +0000 Peasinapod 2182634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hopefully she'll be different once baby arrives. My mil makes a lot of jokes about 'stealing' the baby, and it being her rules when she's visiting her.</p> <p> But when it comes down to it she's been very good at respecting my parenting choices. </p> <p>Although my 8 month old refusing to leave my arms may have helped ensure my 'rules' are followed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182606 Tue, 19 May 2015 07:32:20 +0000 Madison43 2182606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, if my mom didn't have the minimum amount of respect for me required to not barge into my workplace and LO's daycare center after repeatedly being told no, she wouldn't ever see me or my child. Period. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182593 Tue, 19 May 2015 07:26:03 +0000 Modern Daisy 2182593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>She's definitely being a little immature and selfish, but try to pick your battles with her. Being called Grandma - fine. Posting things on facebook, just tell her things last from now on (we did this with bith of our moms since neither of them can keep a secret and it worked out just fine). Arguing about how you're going to parent - silly and pointless all around. You don't know what kind of parent you will be until after baby arrives and trust me, you will bend a little in order to get a break! </p> <p>My Mom also goes on and on about what i should be doing differently and I just say "oh okay" and totally ignore her. When she goes too far (like physically taking DS from me to try and keep him awake when I've said it's time for bed) I get stern and snap if necessary. She knows when I mean business and backs down. Otherwise - I could care less what she feeds him and how she puts him down for nap if she's offering to babysit so I can have a break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182577 Tue, 19 May 2015 07:14:46 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2182577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Shut her DOWN. I am so serious when I say I would put a restraining order on my mother if she barged into daycare after repeatedly being told not too &amp; with the knowledge that someone would lose their job if she did. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182527 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:25:51 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2182527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: It's the policy now, but it's not enforced like it should be. Maybe I'll tell her that the receptionist has already been disciplined for letting her in, and if she keeps barging in she'll get the receptionist fired. Self-centered as she is, I'd like to think she'd at least stop at costing another person their job. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182526 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:21:02 +0000 lamariniere 2182526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: Since it is a company daycare, can't you have a policy stating no outside visitors allowed? Especially since outside visitors are going to have to traipse through your office to reach the daycare room. It sounds like if you give your mother an inch, she will run with a mile and she will never be able to be reigned in. If the company issues the policy, it's not like you yourself are telling her what she can and can't do, it's the company policy setting the rules. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182524 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:18:12 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2182524@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: Definitely a privacy / safety concern, even though it'll just be my kid at first. The building doesn't have security because it's such a safe area.</p> <p>I don't think she would try to actually take the baby out of the day care (I hope not, at least!). I think she's more likely to just go spend her lunch break there, stop by after work, that kind of thing. I don't want here there at all, but at least the day care attendant would be there too to make sure everything is safe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182521 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:12:15 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2182521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: It's not a full-on daycare- it's a large extra room in our office suite that's being converted, and my baby will be the only kid there for at least 6 months. Anyone off the street would have to go up to our floor, through reception and to the back of the office suite, but there isn't any kind of locked door along the way to stop them (and it's a very safe area, so it's not really a security concern except for my mother). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182519 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:08:11 +0000 lamariniere 2182519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: Wow, in the case of your mother barging in on the on-site daycare, I would give the caregiver the authority to call building security or the police if she is trespassing. Most daycares also have a policy authorizing specific people to pick up children from the daycare. Even if someone like a grandma or aunt is known to the daycare staff, if they are not authorized, they can't take the child out. I feel like this could work in the same way for visits. I seem to remember there will be other children in your office daycare, so that could also be a privacy/safety issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182517 Tue, 19 May 2015 05:04:56 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2182517@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: stop the info train. Your mom doesn't need to know where daycare is. </p> <p>Does day carea have security measures? Your workplace? People can't just walk into my husbands place of employment and I would hope that any old stranger couldn't barge into a DCP! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182514 Tue, 19 May 2015 04:48:56 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2182514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To everyone who keeps saying not to let her babysit- we are DEFINITELY not intending to ever leave the baby alone with her (despite her insistence that we will). Maybe when the kid is 5 or so, and old enough to tell us what happened when we're away, and if her attitude has changed, but certainly not as a baby. Besides just small amounts of time (like if she's holding the baby at a family gathering and we leave the room for a few minutes), my main concern is work. We're putting in a day care at our office, and my mom works nearby. She's already told us that she intends to stop by and see the baby whenever she wants. We've repeatedly asked her not to do so. We want the baby to establish a routine at the day care and not be interrupted by a visiting grandparent. The day care attendant knows we don't want her in there and will ask her to leave, but my mom is the type to pretend she doesn't hear and barge in anyways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2182369 Mon, 18 May 2015 20:45:36 +0000 Pancakes 2182369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I don't have direct experience with a family member like this, but I did see this article last week: <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/grandparenting-the-baby-boomer-way/2015/05/07/c8b95094-f350-11e4-bcc4-e8141e5eb0c9_story.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/grandparenting-the-baby-boomer-way/2015/05/07/c8b95094-f350-11e4-bcc4-e8141e5eb0c9_story.html</a></p> <p>Basically, many hospitals are offering classes for grandparents just because so much has changed since they were parents themselves. Can you find out if your hospital has something like this? Do you think she would go, with you maybe? Maybe hearing how important certain safety things are from someone else would be convincing to her. Otherwise, I would have to say, 'Sorry mom, if you can't respect my wishes, you can't babysit my child.' </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2181988 Mon, 18 May 2015 14:41:14 +0000 psw27 2181988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I echo what most others have said... I would ignore the "grandma" debate. Your LO will probably end up calling her gigi or something else that no one could predict. </p> <p>The safety issues are no go for me. My mom knew that she wasn't watching my LO unless she followed my rules (and my mom is nothing like this.) The biggest complaint I had was my mom giving LO sugar, which she mostly said she was going to do just to mock my anti-sugar before age 1 stance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2181977 Mon, 18 May 2015 14:35:22 +0000 simplyfelicity 2181977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, you need to stop telling her anything. Imagine that everything you tell her is going straight on her FB wall. My MIL loves to tag us in everything baby related, so I made it so I had to approve "tags."<br /> I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor. Of course she will be pissed but if she can't agree to the terms, then she doesn't need to know when you go into labor.<br /> Kids decide what to call their grandmother. We called ours "Pama." I have no idea why, we just did. Your kid can have more than one grandma.<br /> As much as this behavior upsets you (of course it does!) you still seem very much entangled in some of her antics. Like the grandmother thing...it's just not worth it. You are going to be far too busy to indulge her once the baby arrives.<br /> I really hope things simplify for you but it seems like it might take some pretty drastic boundary setting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2181960 Mon, 18 May 2015 14:18:41 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2181960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like others said, now's the time to set, and stick to, your boundaries. Don't leave her with your child alone (it's up to you to tell her why or not). Don't talk about your MIL being Grandma (let them both be grandma - the baby won't be calling them anything for a few years anyway).</p> <p>The Facebook thing is the biggest issue in my mind, because she is blatantly disrespecting you. My MIL had a similar issue: we didn't want pictures of our son on FB and she'd repeatedly post them, even after we asked her not to. Finally my husband called and spoke very sternly, saying if she did it again she would not be allowed to even take pictures of our son because we don't trust her AND we'd unfriend her from our accounts so she couldn't see any we might choose to put up. She hasn't done it again. If she says "oh I'll come to the hospital anyway." I suggest you tell her the nurses will be informed to not let her in and she can forget about seeing the baby once you're home unless she's ready to be respectful of your wishes.</p> <p>You know her best. Is she fussing to get her way? If you are really tough &amp; firm will she back down? If you think she won't listen, I'd suggest some counseling for yourself so you can be better prepared to handle her. Someone who is manipulative and disrespectful is toxic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2181838 Mon, 18 May 2015 13:12:29 +0000 namaste 2181838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh sounds like my mom. Bless the eight hours between the both of us. </p> <p>Agreed with mostly everyone here. Don't leave your baby alone with her and tell her things last. She needs to know boundaries and I'd love to say it gets better after the baby gets here, but not for me. Feeling for you! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long/page/2#post-2181795 Mon, 18 May 2015 12:27:50 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2181795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your mom apparently thinks the world revolves around her. The longer you allow her to act the way she does, the more she'll revert to her childish ways because well, she's getting away with it. </p> <p>1. You're the one that's pregnant, you should be thinking about your family and not about your mom's ridiculous demands.</p> <p>2. She's threatened to completely ignore your requests, and most importantly, she's disregarding your baby's safety just because she can't bother to re-educate herself with modern safety standards. If a babysitter responded this way, would you still allow this person to look after your child? </p> <p>3. You need to set boundaries and stand up for your family. Make sure your mom understands and know the consequences -- and don't give in.</p> <p>I'm sorry you have to go through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181776 Mon, 18 May 2015 12:14:55 +0000 youboots 2181776@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: Yup, I see a therapist for this reason too. But it's my Dad. Fortunately (I guess) he is not a huge fan of children because they take the attention off him. So it's more dealing with him wanting to go out to a bar with my husband on the day my baby was born, or going off and sulking because the baby is getting more attention than him, or asking to 'be excused' from my family 'meet the baby party' on Saturday. It would be worse if he had NPD and wanted to be super involved.</p> <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: You are beyond reasonable. What you are seeking is basic courtesy and respect as the parent of this child. You are the boss and make the rules, the end. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181761 Mon, 18 May 2015 11:58:00 +0000 catomd00 2181761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: is the thread public or gold? If not gold, would you mind sharing the link with me? Thanks! You are so right though. They cannot be changed, only you can change how you react and interact. My husband hasn't grasped that yet! I don't want to cut her out completely, so I keep our distance but remain civil. He sees it as me "letting her get away with" her bad behavior. Trying to change them or even making them aware of how they act is like beating your head against a wall. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181728 Mon, 18 May 2015 11:34:57 +0000 SweetiePie 2181728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I just started a thread about personality disorders (NPD in particular). What you said is exactly what I've concluded. I can't change him, I can only change my interaction with him and learn coping mechanisms for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181714 Mon, 18 May 2015 11:21:46 +0000 ShootingStar 2181714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For the first issue, just don't leave your baby alone with your mom. I am close with my parents and trust them, and they've only been alone with my son on limited occasions. I would never let my MIL or FIL watch him because I just don't think they're equipped for it.</p> <p>For the Grandma thing - She can't dictate what other people get as grandparent names. If she refuses to see the unreasonability of that request, then I'd tell her you're not going to discuss it any more.</p> <p>As for the Facebook thing - I honestly don't think it's that huge of a deal. I had TWO family members (my dad and DH's cousin) steal our thunder on the Facebook birth announcement. We were annoyed at the time and we explained to my dad that it was very bad Facebook ettiquette to do that. Would I have stopped anyone from coming to the hospital over it? No, because it's just Facebook. I do think it's a little annoying on her part that you're telling her ahead of time she's not allowed to do it and she's basically refusing. But I still don't think I'd bar her from the hospital. If it was that big of a deal I'd just post to Facebook before she gets told about the birth, and then she can't steal your thunder. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181701 Mon, 18 May 2015 11:10:21 +0000 catomd00 2181701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, it may be helpful for you to research narcissistic personality disorder. It sounds like your mom (like mine) has some of the traits. I have found some good info online (and via a therapist) to deal with our interactions. I really feel for you, it's so difficult! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181695 Mon, 18 May 2015 11:05:22 +0000 catomd00 2181695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow! I didn't think there was a mother out there crazier then mine! My mom is quite similar to yours it seems. Luckily, we live 599 miles away. If she can't abide to your reasonable rules, I personally wouldn't grant her alone time. as for facebook, I would have your announcement ready to post while you're on the phone with her telling her baby has arrived! Your mom is being incredibly disrespectful to you and honest to, having my baby made me wake up to how my mom was treating me and i have stood up to her and put a lot more boundaries in place withe r then we have with my in laws. It's unfortunate our relationship has become strained, but ultimately it was her behavior and unwillingness to change that brought it on. It sucks, but you aren't going to be happy until you set those boundaries and stick to them, even if that means having a more distant relationship. You should be enjoying this time and not dealing with ridiculous drama. Good luck! I know how hard it is. These types don't seem to be able to be reasoned with like the average person can be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181689 Mon, 18 May 2015 10:52:52 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2181689@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The good thing is the stuff that you are fretting over are things you can control.</p> <p>Facebook-just stop telling your mom things after you have told the rest of your VIPs. As soon as more mom gets hip she no longer is the first call she will respect your wishes. You will once again be the bearer of your good news.</p> <p>Old school vs New school- don't let her watch your child alone. Correct emphatically if she does something you don't like once your baby gets here. Stop telling her your parenting plans. </p> <p>Grandma K- Personally, I don't see anything wrong with children having grandparents that use the same/ name title. Usually the first born grandchild sets the name (aided by the parents or grands, but not always). As for her boyfriend getting a title don't sweat it until the baby is old enough to talk. At that point decide if you will correct her/him. You never know he may just turn out to be a great guy in your LO's life and a honorary title may be befitting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/issues-with-mother-am-i-being-unreasonable-long#post-2181664 Mon, 18 May 2015 10:40:53 +0000 plantains 2181664@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are not being unreasonable, you may however have to be willing not to give her information that you don't want passed on until you are ready to share.</p> <p>With regards to safety, just don't let her baby sit. he grandma thing though, I don't get why a kid can't have to Grandmas they understand the difference. Kids are a lot sharper than we think. </p>