https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 15:49:02 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369719 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 14:05:41 +0000 AggieDaze 2369719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's DH holding my career back, or husbands in general, I think it's our society - especially in the U.S. </p> <p>Companies and coworkers just aren't open to/approving of the idea that men have equal responsibilities at home... We see it in parental leave (even though my husbands company gives paternity leave, no one takes it). We see it in sick time, etc. DH handles daycare pick up or drop off three times a week and that is more than most dads at his company do. Even in flexibility... I've been lucky enough to find two jobs willing to give me a flexible schedule in order to keep me... I don't know that the same would be true for a man.</p> <p>All of that said, I think I honestly get more value and accomplishment from spending extra time with my kids while DH still needs to get that from work. I certainly place value in my achievements at work but they somehow felt less important after my first was born (that said, I've never been truly happy in my job... Always looking for something better). I also have a much much longer commute so some sort of flexible schedule would be needed no matter what once children were involved. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369703 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:53:44 +0000 Raindrop 2369703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't read the article yet but when I read your post I thought are you me? </p> <p>When I met my husband I was making more than him by quite a bit and I have a more advance degree... I actually thought he just had a bad job and got him to change jobs where he excelled in... so much so that now he's making more than twice as I am now and in a management position. So basically his career skyrocketed. I'm really happy for him because I knew the other job was just holding him down. </p> <p>I thought my job was great - I was on the fast track.... then I had kids... and I feel like I have been mommy tracked ever since. (Just personal opinion) </p> <p>I thought at one point I could have it all. I have come to grips with that I can't have it all. </p> <p>I went part time and have embraced being the supporting parenting. I'm happy to do it of course, I just never thought this would happen though. </p> <p>Balancing is hard!</p> <p>With that said... I don't think DH has held me back... that's just how the cards played out for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369669 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:32:47 +0000 looch 2369669@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catlady: agreed and I am leaning towards that it's not. My husband and I are not what I would consider to be senior level managers, we have no aspirations to be in the C Suite, which is kind of where I think this article is skewed without saying it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369658 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:26:20 +0000 mrs. wagon 2369658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can totally understand where the article is coming from. (That being said, I definitely do not agree with much of it.) But the conversation about balance is an important one for working parents.</p> <p>Being parents to young kids, unless you're willing to be parents who are not involved in your kids' lives, one or both has to make sacrifices in their career. I didn't truly understand this until my oldest started kindergarten and things started happening during the day-- today, for example, they had a little Thanksgiving play and "feast" at 10am. We didn't realize this until last week (because we're both too stretched at work to pay close enough attention) and luckily, Wagon Sr. was able to take the day off and attend. Wasn't an option for me. </p> <p>When the kids are in full time daycare, you don't have to worry about them at all from 7am to 6pm. But school introduces all kinds of new things. Volunteering opportunities in the school, PTO meetings, presentations during the day. It's a whole different game.</p> <p>Our situation is very good though. Wagon Sr. works in an environment where he's allowed to put his family as a high priority. He will likely stay in that kind of environment and continue his education part-time, too. My situation is TBD, but I've always put his career and education first because he's a more passion-driven person, and I think it's important for him to work towards a fulfilling career. I can do my job function anywhere and be just as happy and fulfilled, as long as I have a good team around me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369657 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:26:17 +0000 psw27 2369657@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think my DH holds me back, I think I am just too practical to "push" my career right now. He makes about 3x what I make so his career takes precedence. Also, he likes working a lot more than me. I am like @gingerbebe with a state job, cheap benefits, lots of vacation days, etc. so it its totally worth it to just stay put for now. </p> <p>I look back on my billable hours law firm job and realize that would be pretty much impossible with a LO. There is just no way, at this point, DH and I can both have super demanding jobs with long hours. Our entire lives would have to be outsourced and I am just not interested in working more to pay for more people to do things for the family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369655 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:24:29 +0000 Adira 2369655@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>&lt;&lt; Either marry a man who is extremely committed to equality, or do what she says is the easier route and “marry down.” &gt;&gt;</p> <p>I think it's pretty sad that the "easier route" is to "marry down." I can't even... Marrying a man that's committed to equality shouldn't be that hard and we shouldn't have to settle for anything less. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369625 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:12:44 +0000 catlady 2369625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't decide if this article is about people like DH and myself or not. I guess we're in a pretty similar situation as @gingerbebe. DH and I have the same level of education but most people would say his job is more "prestigious" (it is also more lucrative), although his job is also way more stressful and he works more hours. I turned down a position like his and instead chose a position that is still intellectually challenging, but has more normal hours and a nice collaborative environment. </p> <p>One thing that I think influenced my career path was my mom, who died in her 50s (before retiring) and who told me before she died that she wished she hadn't spent so much time working when she could have been spending time with us kids. Growing up, she was the one with the amazing career, and my dad supported her by doing most of the housework, etc. I was finishing up grad school and choosing a career path right around the time she died, and I think it had a huge effect on the choices I made then (and continue to make). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369621 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 13:11:14 +0000 KayKay 2369621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's pretty true that, at any given point in time, either one person has to have the more flexible/less demanding career OR you both have to be ok with outsourcing more help. I know for us, I could've kept my old demanding, travel-heavy job, but we would've had to have a full-time (probably live-in) nanny. And I would've had to be ok with not seeing my kids for 4+ days/week. </p> <p>With where we live now, I could do my old job without much of the travel, but I'd have to be ok with not getting home until 7p everyday, plus working more after dinner and likely on the weekends. That sounds miserable to me, at least with my kids at this age (3 and 1). So, for now, the only thing holding me back is me :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369562 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:50:33 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2369562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: @MUI831: IRL I see this all the time though- super successful men with teachers or nannies for wives. The wives caterr is easily transportable and often they drop out of the workforce permanently. Sometimes the men are honest about how they were able to have both a career and family- their wives stayed at home and was in charge of the family. </p> <p>I get the point- if you're ambitious and don't want to make sacrifices then limit your pool of dates. You can't fall in love with someone you purposely choose not to seek. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369559 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:50:17 +0000 gingerbebe 2369559@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess I have slowed down my career and put my husband's career before mine, but a lot of it was a matter of common sense. My husband has a far more flexible schedule because he's a professor (works a few days a week and has winter break and summer break off) and has his own law firm where he can set his own schedule. And he makes a LOT more money than I do and has the opportunity to vastly increase his income over time. Because I work for the government, our salaries will always be lower than the market and its not very performance based - its more based on time in and a pay rate schedule set by regulation. But I have a job where I have fantastic low-cost benefits, the option to work part-time (but not off-site or from home), coworkers and bosses I like, and where I am doing something I'm good at. I worked hard for my law degree so I'm glad I have the ability to use it while being able to be around my family. </p> <p>My husband has never once asked me to hold back my career and he is 100% supportive of whatever I want to do. If I genuinely wanted to back to working full time or even wanted to go work at a law firm with billable hour requirements and long hours, he would make adjustments in his career and we would hire a lot more help around the house to make it happen. I just don't have that inclination. So if anything, I held me back. Not my husband. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369537 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:40:16 +0000 Mommy Finger 2369537@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: I agree, that part of the article is pretty awful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369536 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:39:53 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2369536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When we got married we agreed to go with the opportunity. We have a short list of what we will move for and places. I always knew that if my husband's career was the reason for a move it meant that I may have to leave my company. However, changing companies doesn't have to mean a demotion in type of work or pay. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369535 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:38:43 +0000 mediagirl 2369535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Marry down? So, don't marry the person you fall in love with because you need someone to take half the responsibility at home? That sounds fun. I can't read much more of this article, it's just making me mad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369513 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:26:52 +0000 DillonLion 2369513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is probably the opposite in my household. DH has the flexible schedule and he can't move on to another position because he has to be available b/c my schedule is not flexible for the most part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/its-not-your-kids-holding-your-career-back-its-your-husband#post-2369511 Wed, 25 Nov 2015 12:23:59 +0000 Mommy Finger 2369511@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this article:</p> <p><a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/11/18/harvard_business_school_study_it_s_not_kids_but_husbands_that_hold_women.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/11/18/harvard_business_school_study_it_s_not_kids_but_husbands_that_hold_women.html</a></p> <p>Essentially, it's stating that woman make more sacrifices in their careers and put their husband's career before theirs. This is what is holding them back in their careers and not their children.</p> <p>On one hand, I can see this. I know in reading some posts here and in other boards, there's a lot of talk about how in order to make it work at home, they've had to reduce their hours or they chose a lower paying job that had more flexibility because their husband had the high demand job. Obviously, this isn't the case for every family but it did give me pause.</p> <p>Honestly, I'm really struggling in my career right now. I have 2 small boys and I'm the breadwinner. I have the shorter commute while my husband takes the train downtown so I do all of the pick ups and drop offs. He is looking for a new job but most likely, it will always be in the city. On the other hand, I"m also looking for a new job right now b/c I feel like I'm not learning anything and am just collecting a paycheck. However, my hours are really good currently. Any new job I take will probably come with more hours worked and I'll have to figure out a way to negotiate some flexibility. </p> <p>However, even if DH was able to reduce his schedule or even become a SAHD so that I could get the high profile job and rapidly advance my career like I was doing before I had my boys, that doesn't negate the fact that I still want to see them! </p>