https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 16:31:01 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849179 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 09:12:07 +0000 snowjewelz 2849179@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: Hugs mama :heart: I think you def need to find time to address his attitude and he needs his own "heart check". Totally understand getting snappy when you're stressed, etc and it happens here &amp; there on both ends but it seems like this is an on going thing and it stems from him believing that his work trumps yours. DH &amp; I have def have our moments but nothing some good honest communication can't fix :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849155 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 07:28:03 +0000 foodiebee 2849155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the pps' comments (it would have really upset me to be yelled at like that!) and wanted to throw out that you might check out a book/audio series called Crucial Conversations. My DH took a seminar on it and it totally changed his communication habits for the better. He wasn't a bad communicator before by any means, but I've been impressed with how he handles disagreements since studying it. I didn't read it but he talked about what they learned each day, and though I remember I didn't agree with everything, it's impacted our marriage for the better. The overall approach is to help people navigate important conversations and communicate effectively during heated convos. Not sure if you're interested or if your spouse would even consider it, but I thought I'd mention it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849153 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 07:11:06 +0000 gotkimchi 2849153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn’t read all replies but i make 3 times more then my husband and I would never treat him like that because it doesn’t matter. We’re both contributing. If my husband acted like that I would have said woah we can’t talk when you’re calm but don’t take whatever your problem is out on me. I’ve also told my husband when he freaks out about stuff he can get a therapist, get on meds, meditate or whatever the fuck he needs but he cannot come home and act like that. But I think my husband is struggling with some anxiety/possible depression - not sure if you’re getting any signs like that. I hope he apologized </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849151 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 07:08:54 +0000 Ajsmommy 2849151@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Amorini: Thanks for your perspective..... DH will sometimes call me while I am at work and be chatty! LOL.. I guess my vent was mostly bc I do NOT usually bother him and I do step up and handle things while he works long hours and I am generally fine with it... so the ONE or two or three measley times a month that I need him to respond I feel like I am not asking too much!!! Luckily we have talked about it and he's basically told me he'll be busy until Nov and I told him if I call him I need him to respond somehow.. text/email or call.... so we'll see... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849147 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 07:02:42 +0000 Ajsmommy 2849147@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Woah, sorry for all the typos in my responses (was on my cell) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849122 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 00:07:17 +0000 Amorini 2849122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: I’m so sorry he treated you that way! And I’m sorry to the other mamas who said they have this dynamic at home.</p> <p>I wondered if you have ever explicitly talked about how you feel his job taking precedent over the rest of life because he makes more. I wonder what that conversation goes like. Does he have empathy? Some people (and sorry, but it tends to be the men in my life) just don’t get it until it’s spelled out.</p> <p>So full disclosure: I do have some parallels with your DH. I make about 2x of what my DH makes. There are sore points all around this topic for us and I know that it bothers him that I make so much more. I also sometimes forget to return a text or miss a call because I forget my phone on mute. Since having DS, I’m much better but not perfect and daycare emails and tries my office line when it’s urgent. But on the other hand, I feel snippier when I get too much in my plate. By virtue of my schedule, I arrive just in time for dinner. I have events and work travel several times a month. And I get very focused and lose track of time when I’m in that mode. But there are so many contributing factors that make our situation difficult. I can’t even get into that here, but it seems to stem from gender bias, our specific circumstances, and personality and temperament differences. For example, DH starts very early and is on his way home right in the middle of the afternoon which is the busiest part of my day. He usually is chatty at that time of day and I need to make it a quick hello only. Then he might call or text me 3-4 more times after that, usually about things that can wait. He also calls about when I’ll be home. I respond immediately as soon as I’m aware that he’s texted or called, but if am leading a meeting, I’ll make sure it’s not an emergency and will respond after the meeting. I get pushback for not just dropping everything each time the phone bleeps which I don’t think is realistic. I work a lot but I’m out of the house the same amount of time as him since I have a short commute...and I work at night only once everyone is in bed. I don’t email or text in front of DS. Generally if I’m working at home, no one is meant to see it by my design. So anyway, I guess my point is that I think there is a way to have your demanding job and work it around your family, but it does require give and take and negotiation about expectations (and hey, that IPhone tool!) to make things go more smoothly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849103 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:37:39 +0000 Mrsbells 2849103@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: sorry you are dealing with this. One thing I will say is that DH and I avoid calling each other during the day unless its somthing that really can't wait. We text instead with the understanding that one of us might be on a work call and not be able to respond right away. This way if I see a missed call from him I know it's important and take it seriously. Maybe having a system will help manage expectations better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849102 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:37:38 +0000 LCTBQE 2849102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with all the pp’s about the attitude with you so won’t address that, but wanted to recommend Find My Friends (its on iPhone, I don’t know if it’s in other phones, but it’s just a tracking device). I know a lot of people think it’s creepy and I don’t disagree, but my husband and I use since having kids (only for each other) it and it is 1000x easier than constantly texting to get their whereabouts. It saves us from asking each other SO many little logistical questions—like I can see what train he’s taking home without having to ask, or he can not bother calling me to get one more thing from the store because he knows I already left, etc. maybe it would help you? </p> <p>I am a person who frequently leaves my phone untouched in my bag for entire evenings or hours at a time and get annoyed at the expectation that we are always available at any time for anything, but when you have kids, you can only unplug when you’re with them. Work has to accommodate that you could be needed at any time for them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849069 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:35:57 +0000 Lindsay05 2849069@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are not in the exact situation but I know in the past I would be upset if DH was going to be late and I didn’t know about it. We have had to have lots of conversations regarding communication on both ends about what makes me upset and how we can both deal with it. DH now sends me his tentative schedule at the beginning of each week with a heads up on any days he will predict he will be late or have to leabe early in the morning. It has helped a lot. I do commiserate though because it does suck when work seems more important than family. Hopefully you can work together to make it work a bit smoother for you both. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849066 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:21:41 +0000 codeitall 2849066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @muffinsmuffins. Have an established code of what type of contact means. We have critical phone calls, slack/text anything else. If they don't pick up, try one more time and give up.</p> <p>I would also establish working hour boundaries. Sounds like he works all the time. He needs to view you and the family as 'work' and put it in his schedule. Whether this means turning the phone off when he gets home, or setting it aside for a solid hour reliably every night, you need to be able to rely on him just as much if not more than his company relies on him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849062 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:05:59 +0000 MrsBucky 2849062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: yea that is bogus. You guys are a team. Yes his financial contribution is important but he needs to get his priorities in order. That would make me rage. We all have bad days but then don’t double down, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849058 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:54:35 +0000 MamaBear87 2849058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: sorry being busy is not an excuse to treat you poorly. A phone call is easily silenced, it's not like you walked in and interrupted him. He even had time to consider his actions before calling back, and still yelled. I absolutely do not know your situation but just all of that would rub me the wrong way</p> <p>Eta it would bother me even more if he was defending the yelling after you brought it up because he's busy and makes a lot of money </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849056 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:44:09 +0000 Ajsmommy 2849056@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: thank you for the commiseration... Bleh @nana87: he does mornings...he drops bug kids off and has them from the time I leave until drop off approx 1-2 hrs each morning.... And he does other house work too...so I feel pretty well divided with everything...it's just his attitude<br /> ...and it's usually when he's busy that he gets snappy<br /> @MamaBear87: he's very busy at work so that's what he blames it on<br /> @muffinsmuffins: I very rarely call him..MI 99.9% text bc usually I don't need a quick response...so by Me calling I feel like that was my signal to him that it was "time sensitive"... I'll be sure to mention this to him.... I figure he knows but a little reminder won't hurt<br /> @MrsBucky: he was mostly apologetic last night but still rationalized how busy he is = $$$<br /> $@BadgerMom: agree!!<br /> @Mama Bird: I do get time if I need it /plan it. It's not often but if I need him to be will step in for a night....as long as it's ok with his work<br /> .@2littlepumpkins: it was totally good attitude that bugs me....and also that I do solo a lot without complaint so the one time I call is appreciate a response!<br /> @nutmeg36: your post sounds exactly like dh.... For the first years of our marriage I was the bad winner..now that dh is he takes a lot of pride in it and I know he feels like he's doing it all for us </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849034 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:19:48 +0000 smuckers 2849034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He absolutely 100% should not have yelled at you. Communication is really important and he needs to make that a priority (even if it's just a text saying "busy talk later"). </p> <p>However, just offering alternative perspective on one piece: some people place a huge amount of value in their ability to provide for their families. Like, "I am not being a good partner or parent if I am not making X amount / have X title / am not the "best" at my job in order to provide XYZ quality of life." Again, that is NO excuse to be mean, curt, snippy, demeaning, or any other negative thing. Just offering that him "putting his job first" could be his way of serving your family.*** </p> <p>**Your mileage may vary, you know your husband way better than any internet stranger, and this would also drive me INSANE. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849032 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:17:16 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2849032@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: I'm sorry. I deal with looooong days of no response/call (like 12+ hours sometimes) BUT it's the attitude that would bother me. I've experienced that to a lesser degree and I definitely call him on it. Like, hello, you would not be able to work that job and have a family without someone willing to make big sacrifices, so I do speak up. I hope he just had a rough day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849030 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:03:53 +0000 Mama Bird 2849030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hey, it happens... sometimes DH will do this, sometimes I will. My own pet peeve is when I'm working late and will call home to see if he's handling things OK, and I'll be calling and texting from 6 pm to 9 pm, imagining all sorts of things, and then on the train home I get a text like "my phone was dead". Come onnnn, you were home with a charger, there was no need to make me regret every minute of staying out late!!!! But I guess that's my problem, not his, he just doesn't worry as much as I do and he doesn't get how much I freak out when I can't reach him.</p> <p>The thing with coming second a lot... that's a legit problem. What happens when you have some commitment and need him to watch the kids? Do you get time to yourself that's not work? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849029 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:01:27 +0000 BadgerMom 2849029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a response, even if the response is "busy, late." You'll know what he means. And then like @muffinsmuffins: suggested, work out some sort of "emergency" code if you need him right away. I mean seriously, at this point you can create shortcuts in your phone to convey a message like that to you. He could type 555 and it'll correct it to, "Sorry, busy. Will be late. Will call when on my way," or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849027 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:59:00 +0000 MrsBucky 2849027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: I can commiserate. I’ve spoke to my dH about this a lot. He is always apologetic about it. I recognize that for him, he really has to focus to get into “deep work” and looses track of time/ doesn’t notice his phone. He has gotten better, but it’s definitely something we both have to give a bit on for both sides. For me, I always felt like half of my brain is always thinking about him/ the kids, so it’s hard that sometimes he can totally disconnect his brain from us when I can’t. We regularly have to have conversations about our priorities as a family and sometimes I have to gently remind him that how he is behaving isn’t aligned with the priorities he claims to have. If I can message it gently, he is receptive, as long as it doesn’t feel like an attack. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849026 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:50:25 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2849026@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree it would warrant a big discussion because that is not ok. I’m of the mind that it doesn’t matter if someone makes 100x the money or works 24 hrs a day; family comes first always. How would you know how his day was going?! Also what about how your day was going?! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask when he’s coming home and he should not have yelled at you. I would be calling for a reality check here: is it more important that he work all day long and not have to think about his family, or can he start to set some boundaries with work so there can be more balance? And you should have a say as to that too. I think in this season of life when there are small kids and two working parents, priorities need to be set. If something comes up, both parents potentially need to be available no matter what so he might need to figure that out.</p> <p>For a temporary solution, you could institute a ‘code’ for the time being: if you call him, it’s important and he needs to get right back to you. If it can wait, you guys can text instead. I do this with DW and my mom since I can be away with patients a lot during the day. If someone calls me, I know it requires an immediate response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849023 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:43:33 +0000 wrkbrk 2849023@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh hell no. Agree with PP. You need to have a convo with him about this kind of behavior/treatment. I am the one with looong hours and if I acted like this to DW one time, you better believe I would be hearing about it (and changing it)!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849017 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:32:27 +0000 MamaBear87 2849017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The yelling about you calling to enquire when he was coming home would not fly with me. You don't know how his day is going and it's not like you knew he was on a call. </p> <p>I'd have a major discussion about this if it was my marriage. My husband works a million hours but thankfully can work from home alot. So he's nearly always somewhat on call but we get to see him alot. Shortly after we had our daughter we really talked about him being constantly on call and he works really hard to make sure we still come first. </p> <p>I know some people's marriages just work like that where the wife and kids are second but it just seems so unfair and unsustainable to me </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849002 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:18:35 +0000 nana87 2849002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not going to lie, that would drive me crazy and I wouldn't be able to stand it. My in-laws had a similar pattern where fil would work late and never communicate clearly when he would be home, and expected mil to take care of the kids and make dinner, but also expected her to wait and eat with him. There were times we were visiting when she'd literally fall asleep waiting for him and then he'd come home and yell at her to wake up and cook, even though we (dh, me, lo1) had eaten hours before. So incredibly disrespectful. and so my reading of your description is influenced by that. At the very, very least, he shouldn't be yelling at you for merely checking in with him. He needs to clearly communicate when he's coming home, and if he needs to work late, he needs to a) appreciate and recognize that you're solo-parenting--just freaking say thank you b) pick up the slack during other times when he is available. like, if he works late on weeknights then you sleep in on weekends, or take over morning prep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2849000 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:17:15 +0000 Becky 2849000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is my life exactly. He makes more and works long hours, always makes little cracks about my job and says he’s just joking even though I’ve made it clear that i feel like it’s demeaning/rude. Always answers when clients call and constantly checks emails even when he’s at home and I’m doing stuff with the kids, but screens my calls and texts 90% of the time (I call/text probably 3 times per week). It’s shitty to feel like your job isn’t important and that you and the kids aren’t a priority. I don’t have any advice because my DH doesn’t think it’s an issue, and just says I’m nagging him when I ask him to participate in our lives by for example getting up at the same time as us vs staying up late and waking up late, or coming to the playground instead of taking a nap. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/just-need-to-vent-after-a-stressful-evening#post-2848986 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 14:57:36 +0000 Ajsmommy 2848986@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So DH and I both WOH full time. DH works many hours, he goes in later and works late ...sometimes until 9-10 pm. I work normal hours, 40 hr week and my hours are 730-4. We both commute, my commute is a tad longer. DH makes 3x's what I make..... </p> <p>We both work hard and we have a pretty good set up established between who does what... I will admit I do tend to do more with/for the kids but I am ok with that (that whole mommy mental load thing).... </p> <p>My vent is about how DH sometimes acts as though his job takes precedence over everything simply bc he makes a lot of money..... It drives me insane and it aggravates me.</p> <p>Last night I worked until 4, commuted home, picked up DS at 450, took him to a Dr apt until 530. Waited in CVS line until 615 for meds. Picked up DD. Went home, fed both kids, put both kids to bed.......</p> <p>I called DH while waiting in the CVS line just to "see" if he was on his way home and he could pick up the meds but ...<br /> 1. he didn't answer<br /> 2. he didn't respond with a text or email or anything</p> <p>He ended up calling me at 620 while I was picking up DD and yelling that he was busy and had been on the phone for 45 mins.... well pardon me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just trying to communicate and ask a simple question, but never mind. I got this. Done and done. </p> <p>He was saying he was too busy to even acknowledge my call until he had the time.. it annoys me.... me and the kids are pushed to the back burner.</p> <p>Ugggghhhhh..... does anyone else deal with this? I can't be the only one.... </p>