https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 22:38:33 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998441 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 19:14:47 +0000 BSB 1998441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: oh, honey! I'm so so sorry. Having IF is so so hard and some people will never get how to be sensitive around us. I think some education and a bit more sensitivity would go a long way. Yes, very subtle things can be sensitive to us but understanding how hard it is to be infertile in a very fertile world. Reading our cues (uhhh, hello, you were crying!) should have been the first clue that things were really rough for you.</p> <p>I'm so sorry your In-laws were like that.</p> <p>One question, has your DH stood up for your feelings? If I were in your situation, I would talk to my DH and think about the best way to deal with what happened tonight. Either tell your ILs how you feel and educate the realities of having IF or maybe let this pass this time (chalk it up to them not knowing) but make sure your DH speaks up and defends your feelings next time. Him speaking to his family might be better to get the point across. Though, I wish they were more welcoming and sensitive to your feelings. You did marry into the family and like you said you are now part if his family and your DH is now part of your family.</p> <p>Hugs to you! Feel free to wall me </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998368 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 17:06:44 +0000 Dandelion 1998368@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Combo of all three. But mostly they're just stupid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998333 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 16:06:29 +0000 Greentea 1998333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is it possible MIL was trying to be in-clusive to everyone, including you when she said "my family?" Is it possible she wants everyone together? What if she had swapped the words "my family" for "everyone together?"</p> <p>It is possible she didn't know that the baby would negatively affect you. Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998332 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 16:04:30 +0000 spaniellove 1998332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you're going through this...I can tell you I've been through it ALL myself, after a failed IVF and 3 m/c's. You can try but there's not a whole lot you can do to get through to them, and I've learned they will only see things from their perspective (aka "you abandoned us" "you weren't there for our family"). </p> <p>So yes! You are absolutely justified in the way you feel, but it may not be worth putting too much energy into making the situation right unfortunately. :bummed: Huge hugs to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998314 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 15:35:35 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1998314@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I second going on vacation next Christmas :happy: Sorry they're so inconsiderate, but I think you deserve to treat yourself for handling it so well! Hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998313 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 15:35:22 +0000 Madison43 1998313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry you had a crappy holiday. It sounds like there were 2 seperate issues - one, you guys don't want to be around SIL and BIL because you don't get along, and two, you don't want to be around them and their baby because of IVF/IF stuff. In either case, I'm going to go against the grain and I think you're being over sensitive (sorry!!). I dont think its so crazy for your in laws to want all of their kids together at the same time on Christmas, and unfortunately I think we all have someone that we'd rather not be around, but suck it up and do it because it's the holidays. I for one have several. As a fellow IVFer, I understand, I really do, but you can't expect your MIL to not interact with her grandchild near you because of what you're going through. I think it's perfectly understandable to want to avoid babies and pregnant women if possible when dealing with the stress and disappoint of IF, unfortunately I don't think the holidays is one of those times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998286 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 14:56:53 +0000 youboots 1998286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there are two separate issues here.</p> <p>1. MIL is controlling about the way she wants Christmas to take place.</p> <p>2. Infertility and being around people (especially ones you don't like) who have a baby.</p> <p>It's easy to see how those two things plus in laws who seem to be lacking some general empathy towards you as a member of their family leads to a difficult holiday gathering. I'm sorry you had a tough time, but I don't think they are malicious, and I don't think you are being overly sensitive. It's just a crappy situation. I think you did the best you could.</p> <p>If it were me I'd go on vacation next Christmas ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998277 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 14:52:25 +0000 oliviaoblivia 1998277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you had such a tough visit.<br /> I think there could have been some more sensitivity on both sides. I understand that you don't like your SIL, but she is your MIL's daughter. I'd be hurt if someone complained about my daughter. I can imagine that may have colored her conversation afterwards.<br /> IF is hard for people to understand if they've not been through it and I hope that your MIL just didn't understand how bouncing the baby would affect you.<br /> Big hugs. I hope 2015 brings you good news. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998245 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 14:18:38 +0000 Purpledaisy 1998245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that everything that she did and said was incredibly insensitive. I think that you are completely justified in being upset. Even if she really did want "her" family together for Christmas, she should have let it go for one year. I feel like I am being harsh, but I really can't imagine have a crying upset daughter in law and not putting her feelings first for the day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998222 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:35:38 +0000 Crystal 1998222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: ugh, they sound like real winners. I hope your DH was backing you up, and you get a break from them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998221 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:35:24 +0000 PrincessBaby 1998221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it is really hard for people who have not been through something as emotionally gut-wrenching as IF and IVF to really understand how HUGE it is, and how absolutely devastating it is to go through it and have it fail. And then to get the news that you got on top of it about your eggs is just an awful horrific double whammy. So you have every right to be be very sensitive to babies and ILs and really whatever the hell you feel like being emotional about right now! You are grieving. So you are totally justified.</p> <p>She could have been more sensitive, for sure. But she more than likely just doesn't have the ability to truly comprehend what you're going through. Older people especially, since they did not really have the option of all of the treatments and medical assistance that we have, are not familiar with these things in the slightest and just don't understand. She sounds totally oblivious, actually, but probably just didn't know how to respond, was uncomfortable with the enormity of your (justified) reaction, and just went the easiest route for herself which was to stick with the original plan and pretend like everything is fine bc it's Christmas. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998217 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:31:53 +0000 winter_wonder 1998217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crystal: They are very aware of our infertility struggles. They knew we had 3 failed IUIs in August, September, and October. They also knew we would likely move on to IVF (although they did not know we did that this month until I said it yesterday).</p> <p>@mrs. someone: Thank you so much. We're at home now, so much better :) I'm sorry to hear that you went through a similar situation with your in-laws...ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998213 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:24:30 +0000 daniellemybelle 1998213@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry. This sounds so hard.</p> <p>I think it's a combination. You are clearly very sensitive right now - understandably - and they may just be clueless on how to respond. But the "my family" thing is really hurtful. I'm sorry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998212 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:23:59 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1998212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was in a similar situation after having 2 m/cs and visiting my inlaws. You are not wrong for being upset! I hope you had a better day today :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998211 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:21:41 +0000 Modern Daisy 1998211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it was wrong of your MIL to talk about "her family" as if it didnt' matter if you were part of it or not. And I also think it's hard for people who haven't been through infertility to understand how devastating it is to be around babies. I agree that you should take some time off from being around her. If she isn't going to be supportive during this difficult time then you aren't doing her any favors by acting normal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998208 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:21:04 +0000 Crystal 1998208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>They definitely could have been more sensitive, especially since you broke down in front of them. I agree with @Mrs. Lion that people have a hard time understanding unless they've been through it. Have you been open about your struggles with them? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998206 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:15:11 +0000 katsupgirl 1998206@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's a combination of all those things. You probably are extra sensitive ( totally understandable and justified) but they should have been a lot more sensitive to you. I mean even if they couldn't care less about you their son is also dealing with this as well. Some people just don't know how to care about other people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998203 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:12:49 +0000 Mrs. Lion 1998203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think sometimes it is hard for people who haven't been through those difficult emotions to empathize. I'm so sorry she left you feeling so sad. If she is usually good natured, I would try to take this as an unintentional incident....</p> <p>That said, her insistence that HER family be together is a little off putting. My belief is that when you get married your spouse becomes your primary family and your family of origin becomes secondary. I think in that situation if I felt I needed to leave (which is perfectly justified IMO) I would have expected that DH would come with me, and MIL would have to deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998199 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:10:47 +0000 mrbee 1998199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think she could have been more sensitive. I would be especially hurt if my in-laws made a reference to "my family" in a way that excluded me. I'd probably just take some time off from hanging out with them for a while. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/justified-anger-at-in-laws#post-1998197 Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:05:31 +0000 winter_wonder 1998197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This rant is a long one....sorry</p> <p>Am I justified in being angry with my in-laws or are my crazy infertility emotions getting the best of me?</p> <p>Yesterday we went to the in-laws for Christmas. Dh's mom is crazy about insisting all of her children are present at some point (at the same time) so everyone can open presents all together. </p> <p>Anyway, to make a long story short we don't get along with one of Dh's brothers and wife. They're really crappy people. And, they have a baby. Needless to say, I'm having an incredibly difficult time being around babies right now (failed IVF cycle this month, we were told using my eggs will likely not result in pregnancy for us ever). </p> <p>When we get to the in-laws my MIL tells me that said BIL and SIL will be coming over shortly. I ask her why they were coming back over (they were over there all day). I tell her that we waited until they left to come over (she knows we don't get along with them). Then she says "well, I want MY family to be together on Christmas." I told her that I couldn't be around their baby right now and proceeded to start crying and told them in a sobbing ramble how we just had a failed IVF cycle this month and would likely not be successful in the future with my eggs." MIL just looked at me and said "Oh, we didn't know." Then she says, "well you can leave if you don't feel comfortable being here but I want my family here on Christmas to open gifts all together." As I'm still sobbing I say "DH is my family too." </p> <p>As I try to pull myself together in the bathroom BIL and SIL show up with their baby. The entire time I'm trying not to cry. Then, my MIL proceeds to sit next to me on the couch and bounce the baby on her lap and talk to her. What the hell?! I don't normally think of her as a malicious person, but seriously? If you're going to do that, could you at least not sit by me?</p> <p>Then, later on FIL tells us "oh did you hear about your cousin Jill? She had her baby last night...." </p> <p>Thoughts? </p>