https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 12 Apr 2026 04:12:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781995 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 15:18:51 +0000 nana87 2781995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know, I think there are "levels," but one of the worst parts of my early loss was it's dismissal--by friends/family who I told, dh, and even myself--and feeling like it didn't count because it WAS so early. Like, my mom's take-away when I told her I was miscarrying was "oh yay you're ttc" (insert massive eye roll here...). or even more recently, my dad actually forgot that I had had a miscarriage...I wouldn't compare it to other losses, per se, like my sil lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks, or a friend at 12, and that would be "worse" because you become more and more invested each day...but it was still a loss, and I found the impulse to minimize it really hurtful when I was going through it and after. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781885 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 09:29:02 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2781885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I always want to hug you when I read your posts. :heart: </p> <p>Everyone deals with loss so differently...it's all so very valid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781859 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 08:21:44 +0000 winniebee 2781859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Gah, reading about everyone's losses brings tears to my eyes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781858 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 08:20:43 +0000 LulaBee 2781858@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: :heart: :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781854 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 08:05:17 +0000 winniebee 2781854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a tough one. I always come back to: a loss is loss and who is to say that one person's loss is worse, more sad, and deeper than another's? </p> <p>I've suffered several pregnancy losses: 5 early miscarriages and one later term pregnancy loss at 18.5 weeks. I can say that they all affected me very differently. The first miscarriage was truly upsetting for me. It was early, but we had been trying for a bit and everyone around me was pregnant or having babies. So, it really affected me. My other early miscarriages were sad, but I could rationalize them. Loss upon loss is really difficult, however, so there was that. My 18 week loss (like someone else wrote) destroyed me. I birthed my son and held him and saw him. I've never been through something so unbelievably awful in my life. It's been 17 months and I have had my "rainbow" baby, who is truly amazing. However, I still think about the son we lost every single day. I still grieve for him. I still cry for him. His loss changed me forever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781714 Tue, 24 Oct 2017 11:43:24 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2781714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: It does...and my philosophy is that you don't know what that person has been through. You may know that they've been through a loss at 5 weeks, but you don't know that they've been trying for years and that loss was their first glimmer of hope at a pregnancy. Sometimes, the loss of not being able to have a child weighs heavier on someone than the loss of a child itself. </p> <p>It's so hard not to judge and feel sorry for yourself. My BFF was 9 months pregnant with her son when I was on month 8 of TTC without success. I said something to her about the baby coming when he's ready and she flipped out on me. She hated being pregnant and she was done. In that moment, all I thought about was how I would kill to be in her position complaining about my back hurting...because that would then mean that I was pregnant and I have the ability to complain. It's easy to judge one way or another. But grieving, you have every right to grieve the way that suits you. You have a right to feelings, and they're valid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781605 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 21:28:46 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2781605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: yes, 100% your statement "So if I'm interacting with someone else, I'm going to take the position that a loss is a loss and not make assumptions about what it's like for them, or how they should feel."</p> <p>I had a mc @ 6.5wks with my 1st pregnancy &amp; was so devastated bc I was already up against being 40. I mourned the child that would've been, as well as my naiveté around getting/staying pregnant. Now that I have my DD, I can't imagine not having her, so it seems like it was meant to be. For others who've had late losses, stillbirth or the loss of a child, I do feel like they have more significant losses in my own estimation of their loss &amp; grief, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781569 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 19:28:39 +0000 delight 2781569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Such a tough question to answer. Loss is such a personal thing and everyone experiences it differently. </p> <p>I can only speak from my own experiences in that to me, I have had varying degrees of loss. </p> <p>My first pregnancy ended at 7 weeks. It was our first month trying and I feel I took it as well as I could. I was upset, I cried, but I was still excited to try again and we conceived our daughter. After DD, we had a loss at 22 weeks. This was devastating to me and 3 years later I am still grieving. I felt her kick, I watched my belly grow, we had to make a tough decision about a very sick baby and we had to pick up her ashes at the funeral home. That was the worst time in my life. That was followed by a 10 week loss that hit me hard because I was already an emotional wreck but I don't long for that baby the way I do for the little girl we loss. My losses have affected me to varying degrees. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781533 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 17:33:30 +0000 agold 2781533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@everbee: @LAZB: :heart: :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781529 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 17:18:01 +0000 youboots 2781529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LAZB: I am glad you chimed in. Whenever I see the beautiful photo of your kiddos up on my bulletin board I think of all 3 of your beautiful children :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781449 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 13:13:25 +0000 LAZB 2781449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: so, I’m part of a support group for moms who have experienced loss, whether that be me who lost my son after he was born at 5.5 weeks, or a woman who miscarried at 5.5 weeks, or a woman who had a still birth. Our rule is that all loss is seen as equal. What I can say after being a part of this group for 3.5 years is, there are “better” things about certain situations, but they all suck. I think most people would agree that losing a living child is the worst imaginable thing. I completely agree, but for women who delivered babies who never lived outside the womb, they may have given anything to see their baby’s eyes or heard hem cry just one time. So in that way, my situation is “better”. Now for me, I could say, at least other babies didn’t suffer. I watched my perfectly healthy son suffer for a month before he passed, so in that way, other situations are “better”. But would I trade my situation ? No, I’m glad for the time I did get. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781448 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 13:12:56 +0000 everbee 2781448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i believe there are levels of loss too...i agree that i definitely don't discount the early losses (i've had two and they were still devastating). but i also lost my son 13.5 hrs after i delivered him full term. the two cannot be compared in my mind. i was thoroughly offended when someone said she could relate to what i was going through because she had one early loss (and then two healthy children while i'm still waiting for my rainbow baby, 10 years later). i didn't say anything to her because i didn't want to invalidate her feelings. but to me, it is not the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781443 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:57:58 +0000 mrsrain 2781443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a loss is a loss, and I think there are levels determined by more than just how far along a pregnancy was. Ultimately it doesn't really matter what we think, though, because each woman will experience and grieve in her own way regardless of the world's expectation. We are assured of that, if nothing else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781440 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:52:46 +0000 LindsayInNY 2781440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: What about comparing to people who you think have it "better"? Easier? I don't know which word is right. Does that make sense? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781438 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:48:52 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2781438@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: Agreed - you said it perfectly.</p> <p>You can never help the way you feel, and all of your feelings are valid regardless of if you were pregnant for 5 weeks, went full term and had a still born, or had a child who was 3 and lost him/her. I don't like to think of things as levels. It's just different. It's like saying you don't have a right to be sad due to losing your foot because I lost a leg. You still lost something that is dear to you, and you have a right to grieve in a way that helps you. </p> <p>@LindsayInNY: Over the course of my quest to become a mom, I had 6 pregnancies and 2 live births. I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I feel like I should be happy that I was lucky enough to have my 2, and she stopped me. If we continue to compare ourselves to others who we think have it worse off than us, we'll never truly be able to process our feelings of grief over what we have felt we lost, and it's ok to do that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781437 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:43:07 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2781437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: that makes sense. </p> <p>I've had two missed miscarriages around 9ish weeks. One after my first child and one after my second. I don't think the depth of grief I felt was as bad as a friend who's battled infertility for two years and had a loss at 7 weeks with her first ever pregnancy. And I can't and don't want to even think about a more full term pregnancy or a child. 😓 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781435 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 12:30:45 +0000 psw27 2781435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do think there are levels of loss. Maybe it would be more accurate to say depth of grief. Like how deep the pool of grief feels - which is personal to each person and each circumstance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781410 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:06:24 +0000 PawPrints 2781410@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do think so. I had a loss at 6 weeks and I would never compare it to someone losing at 20 weeks or enduring a stillbirth or losing a child that was born alive. To me, losing at 6 weeks was a pregnancy loss, not a child loss. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781405 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:52:51 +0000 808love 2781405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LulaBee: So painful beyond words. :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781403 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:49:25 +0000 LindsayInNY 2781403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LulaBee: I've read through all comments and not replied to any. But I think your first sentence is 100% spot on: "I think there are levels of loss, but this is only based on personal experience." Hugs to you too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781400 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:40:59 +0000 LulaBee 2781400@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there are levels of loss, but this is only based on personal experience. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and I was totally devastated, but then my next pregnancy ended with my son being stillborn and that totally destroyed me. I don't say that to invalidate anyone else's experience with an early loss or chemical pregnancy- I just know first hand that going through labor and delivery and holding my dead son was worse than my D&amp;C. But I also know that losing my living children would be so much worse than anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781399 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:37:55 +0000 Pollywog 2781399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had a MMC at 9 weeks, but had seen the heart beat twice and that the baby had grown adequately between the two. That was a way tougher loss than my chemical pregnancy. </p> <p>My aunt at a stillborn at 38 weeks. It was way more of a loss than mine. It was closer to her mother who'd lost a teenager than her sister who had a 12 week miscarriage </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781301 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 19:11:14 +0000 Kemma 2781301@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can only speak for my own experience but I do think there are "levels" of loss. We lost our third pregnancy at seven weeks (miscarriage completed at ten weeks) but it feels like I lost a pregnancy rather than a baby. Was I sad and was it shitty and miserable? Absolutely but to be honest I haven't really dwelled on it and it's not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. The biggest thing to come out of it is the presence of a constant feeling that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong with my current pregnancy.</p> <p>I think everybody has the right to grieve and process loss differently and there isn't a right or wrong way to do it but I understand why you asked the question! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781294 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 18:33:05 +0000 catlady 2781294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think so, although depending on things, one can definitely feel an earlier loss "more" than a later loss, if that makes sense. I've had 3, a loss at 10 weeks but without seeing the heartbeat, a loss at 12 weeks but we did see the heartbeat, and a chemical at 4 weeks. For sure, the chemical was easiest to bear. The worst for me was actually the first one because it was my first pregnancy and I wanted a baby so, so badly. My miscarriage at 12 weeks happened after I already had a child, plus I had already had the previous m/c experience and I think I didn't allow myself to become as emotionally attached to that baby, even though we saw a heartbeat.</p> <p>I can't even imagine how profoundly painful a stillbirth must be. I am so grateful that my losses were at least all first trimester.</p> <p>That said, losing my mother was like losing a piece of my own self, and none of my losses affected me to that level. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781290 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 18:23:35 +0000 periwinklebee 2781290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's helpful to compare across people, because as other's have said what a loss means is very personal and will interact with other life circumstances and painful experiences that people have had. So if I'm interacting with someone else, I'm going to take the position that a loss is a loss and not make assumptions about what it's like for them, or how they should feel. A given person might well experience losses at different points very differently - I have had two first trimester losses and they were devastating in different ways, but I recovered from the one that happened earlier much more quickly. But under different life circumstances, that might not have been the case... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781283 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 16:52:20 +0000 youboots 2781283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Loss is a very personal thing and I think regardless of when/how a loss occurred all people (don’t forget would be Dads) should be treated with respect and kindness and judging their loss based on some kind of hierarchy seems out of touch at best. </p> <p>I lost a Grandparent that I was very close to and I don’t even remember crying. I lost my dog that we adopted 11 years ago and I was devastated the grief was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I could not eat, I cried for 5 days. I saw my therapist. It was bizarre how I reacted and I had no control over it. Imagine if someone told me- it’s just a dog, it’s not like it was a person. Just an example. Only the one grieving should determine how/when to process their loss. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781271 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 15:34:33 +0000 bloved 2781271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think loss is not comparable- One person’s early loss might hit her harder than someone else’s later loss. Loss is so personal and we all process it so differently that it is impossible to create a universal scale. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781268 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 15:19:56 +0000 summerfruit 2781268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All loss is sad, but my feeling is that the loss is more palpable the more time you've had with the one lost. I know of someone who lost their baby at term, and that seems so unbelievably sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781261 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:36:22 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2781261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll admit it, I think there are levels. That's not to say a six week loss cannot be absolutely devastating, but I feel like as far as pregnancy goes the further along the harder I would find it. I would be HEARTBROKEN if something happened to my current pregnancy (30w) but even I think not *as* crushed as if something happened to my living children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/levels-of-loss#post-2781258 Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:26:02 +0000 808love 2781258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: Right. And the fact that other people think it's not 'as much' as a loss, adds to the pain by being misunderstood or invalidated. </p> <p>Same with sexual harrassment or anything painful. There are different kinds and all can be just as horrible and far-reaching as another, depending on the person. </p>