https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 27 Apr 2026 02:26:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755385 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 18:41:59 +0000 azjax 2755385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Everyone is responsible for their own travel. Often times the travellers stay with the family they are visiting so it all even out in the end. I think your MIL should pay for her own flight. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755359 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 17:24:05 +0000 AngelicOne 2755359@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We pay to go visit our families once a year (otherwise we'd never see them as they aren't able to afford to travel). We do pay for my MIL's flight (and groceries while we're gone) to come visit us when we go visit my family as she stays at our place &amp; watches our animals so we don't have to board them for 10 days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755355 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 17:09:40 +0000 nana87 2755355@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only skimmed the comments but I think we're in the minority in that both my parents and mil always pay for everything during visits, whether we are there or here. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755250 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 14:36:56 +0000 catomd00 2755250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't enjoy visiting my family and will not go unless they offer to pay. They also rarely come to visit us, so I the pat when we were on good terms it was obnoxious to have to buy tickets all the time to go see them. Now my mom knows it's the only way I'll go up there is if she pays so I oblige 1-2x a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755243 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 14:30:03 +0000 Littlebit7 2755243@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We pay our own way unless either set of parents is coming up expressly to watch LO while we travel </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755225 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 14:09:02 +0000 MrsSCB 2755225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Everyone pays their own way. I'm fine with that, but it does annoy me somewhat that it's usually on us to do the traveling. My mom doesn't fly, so the two times they've been down here have involved days-long train or car trips for them. And my ILs just don't visit much. So while I think it makes sense for people to pay for their own travel, it does annoy me that if we want to see family WE have to do the traveling the vast majority of the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755221 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:56:46 +0000 JCCovi 2755221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We pay our own way when we go home. My parents would likewise pay their own way. MIL has come out on our dime and on her own, mostly her own. FIL only comes when we offer to pay. He's not in a great place financially and we think it's worth it since he only comes once a year anyway. </p> <p>When we are in town we visit my parents and MIL but we ask FIL to come down to where we'll be on the east coast. It's about 4.5 hours. He's retired and doesn't have room for us in his house anyway. He choose not to come this last trip and I wonder if he's getting frustrated with the situation. I don't see it changing though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755218 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:50:42 +0000 looch 2755218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would totally accept it if my parents wanted to pay for a flight, that is my dad's love language (gifts). I have learned it's easier to accept it over putting up a huge fight. My parents treat all of us equally, so that helps too, I think.</p> <p>Now, if they were in dire straits financially, that would be a different story. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755203 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:38:59 +0000 Truth Bombs 2755203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: yeah ditto this on not accepting our parents paying for things for us. We are grown adults and perfectly capable of paying our own way and we want our parents to enjoy the money they saved for their retirement years, not spend it on us when we have plenty. My husband's sister and her husband let my in laws pay for everything for them and weirds me out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755200 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:36:54 +0000 Truth Bombs 2755200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlejoy: this is our biggest issue with going home. My parents and my in laws live about 25 minutes away from each other. With my parents it just them and it's super chill and relaxed and they basically wait on us hand and foot 😝 But with my in laws, they all live there and we are paraded around like zoo animals so everyone can see us (and they each get their chance to scold us for not coming home more often despite the fact that none of them come to see us). My MIL will literallly count the hours we spend with my family vs her family and it's just exhausting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755144 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:37:48 +0000 gingerbebe 2755144@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents are broke so we always pay for their flights when they come see us. They also want us to come see them once a year where they live since the rest of my family lives there, but they don't necessarily press it because we can't stay with them and we have to pay for a hotel on top of travel costs. </p> <p>My inlaws fly out to see us generally once a year and they pay for their own flights and stay at a hotel because we don't have a guest room. We also fly to them every other year for Christmas because DH's entire family lives out there.</p> <p>In your situation, I would just stop offering and see what she does. If she wants to see her kids and grandkids, she can figure it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755139 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:33:08 +0000 ShootingStar 2755139@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just stop offering to pay for her flights. But if you do that, you also need to stop asking her to visit in order to help you. If she chooses not to visit, that's her choice. </p> <p>And I don't think it's at all appropriate to tell her she needs to pay for your entire family to visit her. </p> <p>Personally though, if we end up moving away from MIL, I'd much rather invite her to visit us and pay for her to do so. Rather than to have to pay to fly my whole family to visit her. We're the ones that decided to have two kids, our travel expenses are our responsibility. But it would be sooo much more expensive for us to visit her - we'd need a hotel, flights for 4 people and a car rental. We would never expect her to pay for any of it though, especially since she isn't in the same financial position that we are. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755137 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:32:09 +0000 Anagram 2755137@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I never answered the second part of the question. Never in a trillion years would my husband accept either of our parents paying our way for anything at any time. All of our parents sacrificed a lot to get us where we are today and now we want our parents to enjoy their retirement and use their money on themselves--fun tours and trips. </p> <p>If for some reason we couldn't afford a visit, we just wouldn't go or cut down on other spending categories. My husband is really frugal in many areas so we can afford things that are important to us, like family visits. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755132 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:26:15 +0000 Anagram 2755132@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I agree. If op is asking for help at all, even just one night, then I think it's fair to pay. If the flight is too expensive, it's better not to ask MIL to help at all going forward.</p> <p>We've asked my mom to come 3 times this year and have bought all the flights, because we are the ones that asked her to come and help for specific events/ child care transitions and that seems fair to me and not like my mom is taking advantage at all. If anything, I feel like she's being really generous with her time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays/page/2#post-2755117 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:10:52 +0000 Ajsmommy 2755117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom lives farthest away, aka a plane ride is needed to visit. She pays her own way UNLESS as some pp's stated she is doing us a favor or it's a last minute request that she visits. Usually if daycare is closed and we need her to watch the kids. She pays for all other visits, although at Christmas time last year we paid for her to come. This was mostly bc DS was due in FEB and she paid for those tickets and she's on a fixed income so we just felt it was the nice thing to do.</p> <p>ETA: luckily she can fly the "discount/cheap" airline to and from so the tickets are usually pretty reasonable. the dates are not very flexible but we make it work. if we need her Monday for kid coverage we'll fly her in at the closest flight prior to that. Might mean she's here for 2-3 extra days but she's retired so it's ok. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755116 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 12:09:24 +0000 littlejoy 2755116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only time we've paid is if we have an abundance of points that we know we aren't going to use (and this has only happened twice: once for my young sister and once for my husband's mom - neither have the resources to pay for a ticket on their own). </p> <p>Otherwise, we pay to go home and our family pays to visit us. The only resentment I have is paying $$$ for 3 tickets to visit family. The trips are often super busy and rushed, and family acts put-out that we don't get much individual time with them (because it's just go-go-go to see everyone). I wish they would come out to visit us more, because it would be individual time we could actually enjoy more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755102 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:46:02 +0000 MrsADS 2755102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins I know, I feel the same way. Even if my in laws come to where we live, all my husband's brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews live where the in laws live, so I feel like we have to go to see all of them. It is harder because the inlaws aren't super affectionate with LO and literally do not lift one finger to help us when we are there, so I feel like we're spending a TON of money for... not much relationship. It's just kind of how they are. I am not thrilled about spending the money, but it is what it is. More than the money honestly is that it is just such a rough trip with a small child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755100 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:43:16 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2755100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: our prices are about the same, maybe anywhere from $475-900 RT per ticket. It adds up but I feel we HAVE to do it, if I want to continue to have a close relationship for all of us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755099 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:41:35 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2755099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Usually we each all pay for our own tickets. We visit when we can. It seems fair so far. </p> <p>I think the real issue in these situations always seems to be that one person/side feels like they are making more of an effort than the other, in this case because you're paying. Is just not bringing it up an option? How did you start paying? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755097 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:38:30 +0000 alphagam84 2755097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents are a 9 hour drive, 1 1/2 hour flight away. Everyone pays their own way. Seems weird to expect others to pay for our trip. I would just stop offering to buy her flights and see when she decides to come out on her own. We want to visit my parents though so it doesn't seem like an obligation. My daughter and I flew down in March for a visit (she was a lap child) as we wanted to see them. I also purchased and shipped a cheap car seat and a few other items to have at their house to make it easier. We drove down at Easter with the husband and dog. My daughter and I will probably fly down once more to visit before she turns two to take advantage of her flying for free one last time! My parents come up to see us probably 4 times a year (always for her bday and Christmas and sometimes it's part of a bigger trip to NY where we used to live). I don't think anyone feels slighted, it is just part of live. They realized it is easier for them to travel to see us vs us traveling to see them with a toddler. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755096 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:37:57 +0000 KayKay 2755096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Both my parents and in-laws have been a long drive/average flight away for the last 8y, and we have done the same as @truth bombs: said. Typically everyone pays their own way.<br /> Since all of our parents have no kids at home and are either retired/almost retired, they have more vacation &amp; flexibility so come visit us more often than we go there. So it probably comes close to balancing out financially (1-2 trips/year for us; 4ish trips/year for them). If we specifically ask for their help in a certain instance, we pay for that flight to come to us (and they stay with us). If we meet up for a family vacation, it kinda depends. My parents usually tend to throw some $$ our way for the lodging (we usually book); with my in-laws, they usually pick up the lodging tab. </p> <p>If you want to see her, I'd just keep paying. If you don't care that much, then I'd stop offering and see what happens. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755088 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:21:29 +0000 Mrs. Microscope 2755088@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We pay. It's less hassle. MIL is a procrastinator, and wants to book flights last minute, then complain it's too expensive. So we just book for her. She claims she is waiting for a good deal, but that doesn't work that way for flights anymore. Especially around Christmas! It's so annoying, and we usually turn the flight into a gift for some event (Christmas! Birthday! Mother's day!), but then she complains that we never get her a "real gift". Oh, and we fly ourselves out to see her a few times a year too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755083 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:10:02 +0000 MrsLonghorn 2755083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Everyone pays their own way. </p> <p>That said, we expect our in-laws to travel to us more than we travel to them simply because there are more of us and because we both work full time. If they choose not to, that is up to them....but we will not increase our travel to compensate.</p> <p>If we are specifically asking them to come down and help out (happens about once a year), we are prepared to pay for their ticket. (to be honest, we have never actually had to pay, but in that particular instance I would feel it was appropriate.) Birthdays, holidays, regular visits -- the person traveling pays for their own ticket.</p> <p>I like @marym's idea -- if this is a big issue (sounds like it is) and you can't seem to unwind from it, I would convert it to birthday/holiday gifts and start giving your MIL gift certificates to airlines.</p> <p>ETA: Just saw @truthbombs comment above - basically, we do the same thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755073 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 10:35:27 +0000 Finfan 2755073@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents pay for everyone's flights. We are close enough to drive unless we are doing a family vacation to another destination. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755065 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 10:14:40 +0000 MaryM 2755065@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We live near both mothers. </p> <p>But DH's mom isn't that well off, so we usually pay for her to visit her family once or twice a year (they all live about 6 hours away)</p> <p>Usually, instead of physical gifts, we'll give her cash toward traveling, or sometimes his sister will get her a train or plane ticket so she doesn't have to take the bus. </p> <p>If she is used to you paying for her to visit, could you start framing it as a "gift"? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755060 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 10:02:52 +0000 Truth Bombs 2755060@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: I don't think asking her to pay for you to visit her is the answer. I would just stop asking her to come when you need help, and see what happens. If she eventually complains that she hasn't seen you guys in a long time, let her know she's welcome to visit any time, but don't offer to pay for her flight. Typically in my family everyone just pays their own way when they travel. Trips are more expensive for us because we have more people, but my parents come to us more often than we go to them so total spending typically evens out in a year. However, if I asked my parents to come because we need help, I always insist on paying, they don't like letting me pay but I don't think it's fair for them to pay when I'm asking them to come because I need help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755057 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 09:53:37 +0000 Modern Daisy 2755057@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lahela017: I'm definitely going to talk to my husband about either cutting her off or asking her to help pay for our flights out to see her if she isn't going to initiate visits to see us. She doesn't like to travel or pay for things that aren't materially benefiting her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755055 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 09:49:44 +0000 Modern Daisy 2755055@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sunny: well that's exactly why we started paying for her flights years ago, but see since that first time she completely stopped initiating trips out to visit us and I strongly suspect it's her way of playing $ chicken. Now she only comes out less than once a year and it's an extended visit where she is helping for one night of the trip. It's complicated though as I mentioned in my OP and the trips seem on the surface like she's coming out just to help but it's really to visit us after a year of not seeing each other at all and provide a few hours of help, not like watching the kids for a whole weekend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755038 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 09:15:15 +0000 MamaG 2755038@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Typically everyone pays their own way. It's certainly cheaper for family to come to us as they typically stay at our house (we have a guest room) and don't rent a car. Whereas, no one has room for us at their house so if we travel it's hotel and rental car (plus airfare!).</p> <p>It's also just easier for my kids to be home than in someone else's space.</p> <p>That being said, we have gifted airline tickets before for my parents. Lately it's been just my mom coming to visit. Often we will spot a really cheap airfare and just call her and tell her and see if she wants to come. I just scored her a flight for about $120! We haven't seen her in a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/long-distance-in-laws-and-traveling-who-pays#post-2755037 Wed, 05 Jul 2017 09:14:16 +0000 travellingbee 2755037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Generally everyone pays their own way except that sometimes my in-laws will buy us tickets on miles to fly to see them. But it's a lot more expensive for us to see them as a family of four then for them to come see us. </p>