https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 15:35:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1904187 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 19:08:09 +0000 Anagram 1904187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man! I posted this earlier and then got super busy at work and didn't check back in until just now. But I love all of your thoughtful responses.</p> <p>I guess I was trying to suss out if it's nature or nurture---I think in most cases, it seems that the moms *do* feel the guilt or pressure to do all these things, and the dads are very good at compartmentalizing and don't feel guilt. And therefore, when both parents are working, the mom ends up taking on more because she feels like she has to. Or is it because she wants to?</p> <p>I also look at my own family--my husband and I both work full time, neither one of us has much flexibility at all. We both have to be at work (no working from home), I have a long commute, DH has long hours. But I end up doing 65% of house and childcare stuff and he does 35%. His job is more stressful and he makes more money, but he's out of the house each day only 1 to 1.5 hours longer than I am because I commute 2 hours each day. I'd much rather our split be 50/50 or at least 55-45 or something, haha. But if I waited for him to do his half, it wouldn't get done. He's generally willing to do stuff, just on his own schedule, which is.....rarely.</p> <p>Anyway, this article resonated with me. My job is low stress already....If I could make it a 3-4 day work week job, like a 30 hr per week job I would feel so much less resentful about our unequal split at home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1904097 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 18:38:53 +0000 Raindrop 1904097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: Yes! :)</p> <p>@Adira: LOL I don't do tantrums either! But DH doesn't really unless it gets out of hand. Normally we ignore LO and step around or over him if he's like in a hallway till he clams down.</p> <p>I think the only thing I can think of that I do is when LO gets hurt and he runs over to me and says "Mommy boo boo" and points to where he is hurt, I just melt and cuddle him and kiss his boo boos away and sometimes put a band aid on it even if he doesn't need it because he likes them. Haha. Of course I read to him a lot and play with him but other than those things DH handles most of the LO right now situations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1904020 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 17:56:24 +0000 winniebee 1904020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@galore5: interesting perspective thanks for chiming in! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1904008 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 17:49:45 +0000 Espion 1904008@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: Don't worry, the guilt doesn't last too long! Heh. I think the long and short of it, for us at least, is that neither one of us want to be a SAHM. I never felt guilty about sending my son to daycare, but DH totally felt guilty. He would even keep E at home every once in awhile! But I think he also understands (and appreciates) how much work staying at home really is. I think most of my guilt comes from the fact that he's not able to advance his career right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1904005 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 17:48:08 +0000 Adira 1904005@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: haha, well I can tell you I definitely don't WANT to clean, which is why Hubs ends up doing the majority of the housework!!</p> <p>@Raindrop: I definitely think you're right about engineers! And the majority of my girlfriends are also engineers! And my husband also definitely has more patience than I do! He tends to take over with Xander when he's throwing a tantrum because of it. And I'm definitely the planner and organizer. The main reason I do all the doctor's appointments is because I have every other Friday off, so I just schedule the appointments for those days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903947 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 16:58:48 +0000 blackbird 1903947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: lol not rude, very spot on! But yes, I generally find I am less emotional than most women. I think I am more paternal than maternal :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903939 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 16:49:00 +0000 galore5 1903939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my husband and I are both doctors. we both work full time, but i have more inherent flexibility in my job than he does. i am the one who gets the kids up in the morning and i always come home in time for dinner and bedtime. i do that because it is important to me. i do sacrifice a bit at work to be present in my children's lives as much as possible. my husband doesn't really have that option with his chosen specialty. ultimately, my husband gets more gratification from being successful at work whereas i am happy to sacrifice success in the workplace (in terms of advancement and academics) to be with my family. if the nanny calls in sick, i am the one to scramble for coverage or stay home. evenings and weekends we split the chores 50/50 and both do our share. we BOTH feel guilty for being away from the kids all day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903919 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 16:25:22 +0000 ElbieKay 1903919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband does a majority of the housework and the cooking. He cooks because he enjoys it and he likes his cooking better than mine. And he does housework because he does not want to hire a cleaning lady. I hate housework and am not interested in spending my downtime cleaning after working a full time job.</p> <p>I have always managed our calendar/logistics and crunched the numbers. I deal with infrastructure stuff. And now I am nursing/pumping for an EBF 7mo. He eats solids now, but I am still nursing and pumping for the same amount of time as I was before. My husband has also been able to sleep through the night since the baby was 8wo because I deal with him overnight.</p> <p>It works for us, and we talk about it all the time to make sure we are on the same page. I think we are way more egalitarian than most marriages though, and I am thankful for that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903911 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 16:20:14 +0000 MamaCate 1903911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Belatedly jumping in to say that DH is a first year resident while u work ft (although I just cut to 30 hours). The schedule at least during med school and residency is really insane and not compatible with any work/life balance. The hardest part has been no control over his schedule, which means weekends, nights, holidays etc. we make it work because my job is flexible but it leaves a lot to be desired. </p> <p>We have figured it out that DH does his work and occasional house projects and is in charge of car maintenance. I am in charge of me, LO, and everything else around the house. And my work. Not ideal but that is really all he has time for. Now that I work one day less I still have LO in daycare and use that day to run errands and catch up so the weekend can actually he about enjoying the little family time we have together. </p> <p>I also wanted to add that I planned to work and share parenting and housework with my DH but that is not possible I. Our current situation.</p> <p>@winniebee: I hear you!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903907 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 16:15:08 +0000 Raindrop 1903907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just reading a lot of these responses. </p> <p>I wonder if some of the responses are due to being engineers?</p> <p>I mean not to be rude but engineering is a very male oriented career and it takes a very different type of thinking to be good at it. I always felt kind of like the odd women out when it came to girl groups that weren't mostly engineers. I guess I'm saying we are more logical than emotional?</p> <p>I could say almost the same thing that Blackbird and Adrira said about their relationships with their husband. We try our best to split as much as we can but we broke down a lot of things we need to do in the household and with our LO to what we are good at actually. I'm actually very good at logistics and planning. DH has more patience than me and so he does things that need to happen now and deals with LO's needs right now.</p> <p>So my tasks are usually making sure that we have food in the house... paper products... ink... diapers... clothes for everyone (this is a challenge with LO consistently growing)... paying the bills... and things like that. </p> <p>DH does more of the things that need to be done right... putting LO to sleep.. getting LO ready (with what I have laid out of course)... getting LO food and snacks (that I have put out for the day)... doing dishes... picking up things and tidying (I do the organizing but he knows where to put things back).</p> <p>I'm the one that does appointments because I do have more flexibility in my work but I hate going to them because LO is not happy and knows that we are in the bad place where he gets shots usually. I definitely wouldn't mind not doing them! Haha.</p> <p>Anyways just putting this out there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903879 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:51:51 +0000 lawbee11 1903879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I took that last sentence out so that others don't interpret it that way. I know what it's like to be sensitive to stuff on HB, so you're not alone :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903872 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:46:47 +0000 blackbird 1903872@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: Yeah i get that. I just think the notion is that "oh the woman wants to do it all--work, clean, baby stuff, etc--so let her". And i think that general attitude can be so detrimental b/c that's how we end up FAILING AT IT ALL and struggling to "have it all". And sometimes women dig themselves into this hole-but why? Guilt? Woman are obviously seriously overwhelmed with doing it all. </p> <p>@lawbee11: I don't think you can have the same expectations if your DH works 80 hours/week but I think that's a slippery slope in any field. As often as we're encouraging women in the workplace to "say no", it just isn't socially acceptable for men to do that and i find it frustrating (not to mention, you can't just say no to a lot of things, like in this case, working in a hospital). I find that, personally, my husband has the *luxury* to say no sometimes, because I am bringing in solid income, too. He wouldn't feel like he had the option if i wasn't. </p> <p>I have a lot of opinions on this topic, obv, prob from working in a 95% male environment :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903866 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:40:29 +0000 winniebee 1903866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: obviously I'm a little too sensitive to this issue lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903862 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:37:17 +0000 lawbee11 1903862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: Oh I didn't mean to imply that doctors aren't involved! Sorry if it came across that way. There are definitely pros and cons either way (like my DH could make a lot more money as a practicing attorney than he does as a prof!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903853 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:30:07 +0000 winniebee 1903853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: just because my husband is a doc doesn't mean he's not involved in Ts life! That's ridiculous to assume of doctors. He has a great relationship with our son and his time with him is quality...and in a few years my husband plans to coach soccer and little league or whatever other things he can do to be involved. But you're right that being married to a doctor is not for everyone and there are many days I wish my husband did something else for a living. But we have been together since college and I supported his career path despite shitty work hours. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903812 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:11:10 +0000 lawbee11 1903812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: Oh I totally agree with you that I expect my DH to split everything with me, but that's also why I didn't marry a doctor. I don't know if I could have the same expectations if my DH was working 80 hours/week, you know? One of the reasons I broke up with the guy I dated before DH was because he worked so much! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903804 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:09:14 +0000 Adira 1903804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: I just wanted to clarify my post because you're definitely not the odd woman out (or maybe we're similar because we're both engineers). While I do want to be at Xander's doctor's appointments and I prefer to pick him up from daycare, Hubs and I really do split things pretty evenly! He does daycare drop-off (I leave for work before Xander's even awake) and when Xander needs to be picked up early from daycare or the daycare is closed, we decide together who's going to pick him up/stay home with him based on our schedules. Hubs actually just stayed home with him on Columbus day because he has more flexibility than me to do so.</p> <p>And it definitely seems like a lot of the guys I work with - their wives are SAHMs!</p> <p>And as far as household chores - we definitely split those and Hubs probably does more than I do! He always starts the dishwasher, takes out the trash, cleans the bathrooms, etc. And then we split picking up around the house and vacuuming and mowing the lawn.</p> <p>So yeah, I agree with you. :D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903795 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:06:25 +0000 Raindrop 1903795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This reminds me of one of my coworkers, his wife is a doctor and has personally told me she makes way enough money to support them and he doesn't need to work. He was a stay at home dad for the first 2 years of their first kid's life because she got her job here and so he had quit his and move with her and she just gave birth at the time.</p> <p>Those he love taking care of their first kid one on one he really felt emasculated by not providing any income to the house. So when their kid was ready for preschool he wanted to find a job ASAP.</p> <p>So I want to say that traditional male/female roles comes to play in this type of thing. Just guessing of course. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903791 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 15:03:24 +0000 blackbird 1903791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OK so i'm obviously odd woman out. I expect my husband to split everything with me. I don't want to be the one doing everything. Although it's a frustrating stereotype for me to live in, I do think it's primarily true. I do drop off but my husband does pick up. He takes E to about half of her dr's appts. I want the update, I don't need to sit there for an hour to feel like I'm "being the mom". When I get the call from daycare, we go over our schedules for the day and decides who's can take the hit. It's not that I don't want to be involved in my child's care, but that I realize that both DH and I work full time, so we really split the rest of everything as much as we can. </p> <p>So...this article is pretty true in my industry. Engineering can lead to heavy and weird hours (3 shifts of manufacturing, hello) and pays plenty well for a wife to stay home. So many do. </p> <p>Frankly, I think a lot of women look at their career as “less important” or less of a priority than their husbands. Either they make less or they decided together that his job takes a priority, so they take the backseat. And I support that everyone does what is right for them, but it certainly doesn’t help me out when I’m bucking the system, lol. I dislike the expectation that I "should" do XYZ or that I "should" be home. </p> <p>I think if women want their husbands to step up more at home, they need to 1) marry men who are down with that mentality (many men are traditional and you should know what you’re getting into when you’re seriously dating) 2) demand it happen at home. Yeah if I do all the cleaning, my husband will just mostly watch me do it. But you know what I do? Hand him something and say, “can you help me do XYZ?” and he does it. So yeah, I think we have to start raising the bar for what we expect of our husbands as fathers and PARTNERS. I don’t want to do all the work. Why should I? </p> <p>I simply don't buy into the notion that women do everything because they want to. I think we've been brainwashed to think we have to in order to be good moms, lol! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903782 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:58:11 +0000 winniebee 1903782@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: they definitely aren't wired to feel guilt! My husband does the dishes about 50% of the time but the other 50% he's not feeling guilty about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903778 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:55:44 +0000 Maysprout 1903778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Espion: I think you summed it up pretty good with your situation. you work full-time while 6 1/2 months pregnant and still feel guilty if you don't do the dishes. I'm just not sure men are wired that way either naturally or culturally to feel that sort of guilt. I hope you get some rest. Best wishes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903761 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:48:12 +0000 Adira 1903761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: I definitely agree about women (generally) wanting to be around more. I WANT to be at Xander's doctor's appointments. I WANT to be the one picking him up from daycare so I can get the details about his day. Hubs is interested in what the doctor has to say or if Xander had an off-day, but he doesn't really want to be there for those things. He'd rather just have me tell him anything he needs to know. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903755 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:45:25 +0000 Mae 1903755@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: maybe also because guys tend to go back to work earlier? My DH went back to work after 2 weeks (1 week after we got home bc we spent a week in the hospital) so he's used to just being gone a lot. I think being home all day every day with LO... when I go back to work it will be 10x harder for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903748 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:43:42 +0000 lawbee11 1903748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: Yep, totally agree with you. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think (generally) women want to be around more. From an evolutionary perspective women are the nurturers/caretakers, so it makes sense. I mean you never hear someone telling a WOHD that the daycare workers/nannies are "raising" his child...it's always the women who bear the brunt of that one. I think in general men also feel less guilt about being away from their LOs (again a lot of this boils down to societal expectations). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903733 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:38:24 +0000 Espion 1903733@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think globally, it is fairly true, but you have to account for the individuals as well. In my personal experience, I feel so guilty when my DH washes dishes, feeds E, and watches him all day. Currently, he's putting his career on hold because we have to have his flexibility for child care. (And I'm up the creek in a couple weeks, b/c E is still in the wait list for daycare and DH is going to be gone for several days. Plus I'm on call. So I have to find temporary child care for both the day and night.)</p> <p>It is hard. DH is like a SAHM who is rather unwilling (although he does a beyond amazing job at it) because his life has been put on hold. And when I come home, I DO pick up the slack to give him some off time from E, because the way I see it, we both have full time jobs. I'd feel too guilty just sitting back and "expecting" my DH to fully assume all household and childcare duties. But I won't lie, being 6 1/2 months pregnant, sometimes I come home and just sit down! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903711 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:29:40 +0000 winniebee 1903711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: you make a good point. I could definitely push my husband to do more errands or chores. But the time he has at home is so sparse as it is, I would rather have family time and do the chores while he is working. This may all change once LO2 arrives in a few months though haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903698 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:23:58 +0000 Mae 1903698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why are the women still primarily responsible for taking care of the kids and home (regardless of work status or income level)?</p> <p>The kids? I think sort of because they want to? Not that I wouldn't maybe like some more help sometimes, but I don't think it is that I want to really be around less-- I think its just that I want my husband to be around more. I wouldn't want to work 80 hours and miss out on stuff! I think guys are more often okay with missing out, even if they don't love it. Our LO rolled over for the first time today and I know my husband was bummed he missed it.. but I think if I had missed it I'd be crushed. I think there are some women who are okay missing stuff.. but I think for the most part we aren't. </p> <p>Why do we take care of the home? Because we're around more, and we care more about it being clean. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903679 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:14:03 +0000 looch 1903679@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why are the women still primarily responsible for taking care of the kids and home (regardless of work status or income level)? </p> <p>To answer that question only, I think it is partly because there's really no way to "split" taking care of your child. For example, is it necessary for both parents to go to every doctor's appointment? In our case, especially, once I began going alone, I had the relationships with the front desk and the doctors, I also had the "history" in my mind with what had happened at each visit, so I could answer questions, where my husband couldn't really. Now, it's very difficult for my husband to pick up the doctor visits, because I've been doing it and transitioning it would involve work and time on my part that I don't have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903660 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 14:05:13 +0000 Maysprout 1903660@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husbands a first year resident and there's a surprising number of residents where he works that have children. all the spouses either have flexible work schedules or stay at home whether the resident is male or female. The main difference I've noticed is that male residents tend to have families younger so there's more male residents by far that have children then female residents. Having children later gives you more time to get adjusted to the job and more seniority for some flexibility. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/male-doctors-have-it-really-really-good-article#post-1903644 Thu, 16 Oct 2014 13:57:38 +0000 Orchid 1903644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is a doc and he had it pretty good until<br /> LO was born!! Now he's the laundry guy, grocery guy and does quite a bit of cleaning. We actually like when he is on call because he's off the next day.</p> <p>ETA that a few of the women in his group have husbands who stay at home. </p>