https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 12 Apr 2026 20:32:16 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2799055 Tue, 23 Jan 2018 09:29:03 +0000 snowjewelz 2799055@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: We totally realized at some point that competing about who had it worse was just not gonna work haha. I think DH now is more mindful about when and what he complains about. He knows he can't "beat" me in the tired dept b/c I still nurse my 1 yr old that wakes up overnight! </p> <p>@DesertDreams88: I know it's hard to have these talks, but I think he really needs help to see the big picture. I would preface it with that you love that he has a big heart and wants to help, BUT with limited time/resources/energy, he needs to have a priority list of WHO he needs to spend what he has on first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798981 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 20:33:02 +0000 MamaCate 2798981@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: @Bluebonnet: interesting! I am an upholder! I like how she focuses not on best or worst but in strengths and limitations of each type. </p> <p>@DesertDreams88: could you try positive reinforcement? I used to do this to myself in grad school—finish the paper by 5 and you can have candy. Then there is an external reward? It sounds juvenile but sometimes it can help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798970 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 19:11:09 +0000 MaryM 2798970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: we had a serious come to Jesus about complaining around 20 weeks. He was tired from laying in bed too long one day (meanwhile my hips were already so sore I slept in a recliner) and his toe hurt. His toe! </p> <p>I told him I didn’t want to compete, so just don’t tell me. Or tell me once and get over it. Or tell me once and buy yourself new shoes that are comfortable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798968 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 19:05:34 +0000 DesertDreams88 2798968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bluebonnet: he does listen to podcasts, so I'll check it out </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798965 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 18:57:46 +0000 Bluebonnet 2798965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: you could also check out Gretchen Rubin’s Happier podcast. I’m sure there is an episode the focuses on the 4 Tendencies. Every episode talks about happiness and the 4 Tendencies are woven throughout the conversation. The 4 Tendencies book in particular is very easy to read (just read the section that applies to your tendency). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798958 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 18:10:16 +0000 DesertDreams88 2798958@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>- @Bluebonnet: @snowjewelz: thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out and see if I can slip the ideas into conversations. DH has / had a reading disability, so books aren't his thing. He does audiobooks, but mainly fiction and history.</p> <p>@MaryM: I knoooooowwwwww. Seriosuly DH complains about being tired or achy at least 2-3x a week and I have told him he has no idea and he's all like "It's not a competition" and I just say, well, complain to someone OTHER than me. </p> <p>@Mrsbells: yep. definitely a work in progress. He's not bad at managing his own things in his own time, I guess. It's just he tries to manage everyone else's stuff, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798855 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 13:36:57 +0000 Mrsbells 2798855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: To me it sounds like a time management issue. My DH is like this sometimes and I feel like I have to talk to him a lot about the timing of when things need to get done and what can wait. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798852 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 13:29:34 +0000 MaryM 2798852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I struggle with this with DH too. I think in some ways it's procrastination, and in other ways, he doesn't realize just HOW MUCH anxiety he gives me when he does other things instead of what I've specifically asked for. </p> <p>My therapist said I just need to be more clear and reinforce what I need with him. I'm not sure if it would stop the cycle of over committing oneself, but at least it could hopefully get the important stuff done. </p> <p>And I'm sorry, but any husband of a wife who's 8 or 9 months pregnant should NOT be complaining to his wife about being tired or overextended! </p> <p>I brought that to DH's attention once, and thankfully he understood how out of line that was for him... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798834 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 12:45:08 +0000 petitenoisette 2798834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think besides the over-extending himself in the examples you give it almost sounds a bit like procrastinating. I know I'd much rather do laundry and dishes on the weekend than grading. I don't really have good advice besides him trying to be more self aware of his tendencies and just that I agree that I wouldn't have much patience with complaining about it later either :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798803 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 11:32:22 +0000 Bluebonnet 2798803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I was also going to mention Gretchen Rubin's the 4 tendencies. (like @MamaCate: suggested)! Based on your description, your DH an obliger. (I'm also an obliger) Gretchen Rubin's books "Better than Before" and the "Four Tendencies" have helped me figure out how how to set up my life for better success. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798785 Mon, 22 Jan 2018 10:30:06 +0000 snowjewelz 2798785@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would recommend a book called boundaries. I think it's hard for him to hear/swallow coming from you so maybe coming from a 3rd source would be more helpful! I am like that too, but I am fully aware of it :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798704 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 23:00:31 +0000 youboots 2798704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: I took this! So interesting. I’m a rebel. Which basically means that I do whatever I want depending on the day. Sometimes I’m very disciplined and sometimes I veg out for 3 days.</p> <p>I agree to list making. I’ll delegate a few tasks to DH once a month on a sticky that is in his purview or things he can do faster/better than me. I take on most of the household chores. Sometimes he asks how he can help and I give additional tasks. I make weekly lists for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798694 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 21:53:39 +0000 DesertDreams88 2798694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: very interesting, I'll have to look into it and send him the link on a good day!</p> <p>@bhbee: this definitely helps! I do this regularly; I actually schedule out my entire week in segmented daily blocks, and adjust at least a couple times a day. DH will make lists for himself only on busy weekends so maybe its a practice that can become more regular.... also numbering what goes on that list, so priorities get done first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798684 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 20:51:08 +0000 MamaCate 2798684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I am reading this book called the four tendencies by Gretchen Rubin (who has done a lot of happiness research). It talks about how people tend to handle external and internal expectations and what tends to happen as a result. Your DH sounds like the one she describes as an obliges, prioritizing the needs of others over himself. I think until he realizes the pattern and has some insight, not much will change.</p> <p>She has a quiz that might be a good starting point: <a href="https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3706759/Gretchen-Rubin-s-Quiz-The-Four-Tendencies" rel="nofollow">https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3706759/Gretchen-Rubin-s-Quiz-The-Four-Tendencies</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798678 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 20:36:00 +0000 wrkbrk 2798678@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yep. DW does this. Mostly for work. She’ll agree to everything anyone asks her to do and then ends up putting all that first before her own research. But that just puts her behind and makes her stressed! I try to point it out ... to no avail ... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798664 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 17:16:22 +0000 bhbee 2798664@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It’s a tough situation. Could you make weekend (or whenever) task lists for both of you, on one paper? I do this sometimes, by day or even part of day. I find it helps us plan the days and preserve free time to do fun stuff. Also feels more manageable to see it broken up and if there’s too much you can figure out how to prioritize / what can be saved for another day. </p> <p>I’m a list person and do it for myself all the time so maybe that sounds crazy to normal people :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798662 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 17:04:03 +0000 Dahlia 2798662@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure I really have advice, but I am like your DH. I volunteer for things and go out of my way to help people (because I like to!) and then end up tired and resentful because I feel like I'm doing everything and never have time for myself. </p> <p>I've become aware of this habit in the last few years and I am trying to stop. Being aware has been the most helpful, as has having DH gently stop me when I take too much on. I try to pause before saying yes to anything, and also to try to factor in what would make me happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/martyr-dh-how-to-deal#post-2798659 Sun, 21 Jan 2018 16:52:21 +0000 DesertDreams88 2798659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH is a wonderfully selfless person with an easygoing attitude who spends most of his life helping others. I deeply appreciate his selflessness/easygoing-ness and I tell him that often.</p> <p>HOWEVER. Sometimes his selflessness causes frustrating situations. He often "martyrs" himself unintentionally, over-committing his time &amp; energy and then gets depressed / tired because he hasn't prioritized self-care or work / family responsibilities. I often try to help him see how he brought it on himself unnecessarily, but, he continues. I don't have a lot of empathy at this point.</p> <p>Two examples:<br /> 1) Last week I took a nap. I fully planned on putting away dishes &amp; laundry when I woke up - two chores I actually *enjoy*. He *knows* I enjoy those things, and they are "my" chores. Instead, he did it while I was asleep, to "help me out." But then later on he complained about how he didn't have time to do his grading, and was stressed out for the last 2 hours of the evening. </p> <p>2) Today I asked him to put acid in the pool and anchor the some shelves, two things only *he* can do. Instead, he hung up the laundry and cleaned the pool, which were 2 things our babysitters were going to do tmrw during naptime, like they do every other day (so this is nothing new). It's 2:30 pm and now he's cranky because he didn't eat lunch and he's "behind" on his work (teaching stuff and a side business.) And now I'll feel like a nagging b*tch if I remind him about the 2 things I actually asked him to do. </p> <p>These kind of things happen at least weekly, where he goes out of his way to be helpful (truly, it is a desire to help, not get attention or praise) but then ends up staying up too late then and/or putting off his own, more important things. Then, ultimately, his tiredness &amp; crankiness impacts our relationship. </p> <p>Anyone have a similar DH? How can I help him prioritize better? Or how can I deal with the fallout of crankiness and lack of sleep and try to maintain some semblance of empathy....? Maybe I'm just venting here, I don't know. </p>