https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 07 May 2026 04:47:13 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862985 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 12:15:16 +0000 cyntist 2862985@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This thread is pretty much confirming that I really do manage practically everything in our house. Without requests from me, my husband:<br /> 1. Does his laundry.<br /> 2. Mows the lawn and does most of the snow removal.<br /> 3. Keeps the water softener full of salt.<br /> 4. Scoops the cats’ litterboxes, but this is temporary, because I’m pregnant. And I always have to remind him.<br /> 5. Should schedule his own doctor and dentist appointments, and his car maintenance, but he only ever actually does the car ones. The others just don’t happen.<br /> 6. Starts and cleans the Roomba.<br /> 7. Does daycare dropoff and pickup for our toddler.<br /> 8. Earns more than I do, though we work the same number of hours with similar stress levels.</p> <p>He does do quite a bit, and he’s really stepped up since I’ve been having a difficult pregnancy, but if it were left entirely to him, our son wouldn’t have clean clothes in his closet, the bills wouldn’t be paid, we’d constantly run out of essentials, and the house would be vacuumed but otherwise dirty. And everything would be put away in the wrong place, so we wouldn’t be able to find anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862981 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 12:05:53 +0000 Mama Bird 2862981@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We split most things 50-50, but DH does all the people stuff. Getting phone numbers for classmates' parents, handling the family's social life, even calling back my parents when I'm too "peopled out" :grin: I really love that he does this.</p> <p>Also laundry, and cutting the kids' nails. It only took me six years to get over the fear of cutting tiny little baby nails! </p> <p>@LCTBQE: ha, my MIL also did that for DH! It made sense because clothes stores in her neighborhood are much better than ours. Now that she's gone, I'll have to step into her shoes there. I've got new slippers and socks as DH's present, but deep inside it makes me sad - another reminder that she's gone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862958 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:48:28 +0000 Kaohinani 2862958@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: Great quote! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862957 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:44:47 +0000 LCTBQE 2862957@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: YES, EXACTLY EXACTLY re buying his parents presents--this was my problem with the article from another thread about emotional load from a week or two ago--the difference between how you think things *should be* and what actually needs to happen is, IMO, where a lot of the unnecessary mental load gets tacked on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862956 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:41:49 +0000 Hypatia 2862956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband:</p> <p>1. Works full time (I stay home)<br /> 2. Cuts the grass<br /> 3. Does outside home repair stuff<br /> 4. Takes the trash and recycling to the curb and brings it back<br /> 5. Puts the baby to bed while I put the preschooler to bed (if he’s home, his schedule varies)<br /> 6. Picks up the groceries for the orders I place on his way home</p> <p>I do everything else. But I feel like that’s only fair, since his full time job is X and my full time job is being the manager of our home. Taking care of the home isn’t a trivial, “extra” thing, and since I stay home, it makes sense that I take 90% of it on as my responsibility (of course it’s different when both spouses work). It reminds me of this quote from GK Chesterton. </p> <p>“But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets cakes. and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.” </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862955 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:38:39 +0000 periwinklebee 2862955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: hah hah, probably only because he wouldn't tolerate it :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862953 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:36:37 +0000 LCTBQE 2862953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: from everything you've said about her I'm kind of surprised that your MIL herself ever stopped buying his socks and underwear. also ETA I literally one week ago bought my husband new underwear as a stocking stuffer--so we're in good company with mrs toad :) I guess I was just looking for presents that weren't a total waste of money and wouldn't have cared if he kept wearing the same ratty stuff, my attitude on that is that it's his choice, right? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862952 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:36:27 +0000 Mrs. Toad 2862952@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: I have bought new underwear, but only because I was going to the store anyway. He's picky about that and usually does it himself. I'd have him do mine, but I'm also picky about that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862951 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:34:23 +0000 LBee 2862951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: It's not all sunshine and roses, but I will say I don't feel any resentment towards him anymore. The reality check regarding the stuff I wasn't willing to give but that I feel burdened by (mainly, doctor's appointments) made me realize that if I'm not willing to delegate it, I can't really be an ass that he isn't doing it. Plus DS still hasn't had his 4 year check-up so it's not like I'm killing it at my "mental load."</p> <p>He also reminded me that prior to our marriage he didn't send gifts to his parents and that was their norm. Just because I decided I want to send gifts to them doesn't mean that it's my "mental load." They are 100% fine receiving nothing from us (they've said that). I just like shopping and buying for people (my love language). I have to acknowledge that just because we got married doesn't mean that suddenly he's going to take on all the things that I view as "right" (giving gifts to family) and that if he doesn't that it's my cross to bear. Just my two cents :wink:</p> <p>@chicalgobee and me often joke that our husbands are lucky you can't amazon prime a body bag! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862949 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:32:34 +0000 Mrs. Toad 2862949@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't:</p> <p>1. Take care of bills<br /> 2. Pay any attention to the car other than filling it up as needed and noticing warning lights while driving<br /> 3. Usually plan dinner and cook<br /> 4. Take out the recycling and trash<br /> 5. Call maintenance if something isn't working correctly<br /> 6. Vacuum/Sweep/Mop - We both sweep often under the table though<br /> 7. Decide on providers (cell, internet, etc)<br /> 8. Find babysitters and set up babysitting<br /> 9. Vacation planning - We decide upon dates together and often decide which flights together, but he handles most of it.<br /> 10. Birthdays for his family (kids (3) excepted - I usually buy the kids gifts. No gifts for other family members)</p> <p>We split a lot of kids care, but I do a majority of making sure the clothes are the right size. I do laundry and most of the cleaning.</p> <p>We split getting groceries, but usually have a running list of needs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do/page/2#post-2862948 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:31:42 +0000 periwinklebee 2862948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Hah, the last time MIL was around she kept telling me I needed to buy DH new socks and underwear after she saw the pile of clean laundry. I gave in because it took like 20 seconds on Amazon and you gotta pick your battles (and he did appreciate it, probably more than any other 20 seconds I spent on him), but I semi-hated myself afterwards for taking on that traditional of a wifely role... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862946 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:29:17 +0000 LCTBQE 2862946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: that is such a good idea, you and @jape14 are amazing ladies :) when we got married I told my husband that we'd never get divorced and the only way out was death, and that frankly it was probably going to have to be his. I'm ordering the book today. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862945 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:26:38 +0000 LBee 2862945@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Exactly. We ended up taking the tasks, writing them down, and saying who hates this task less or particularly loves it. Like I love grocery shopping with my son but hate taking our daughter (sorry, DD). Now on Sundays I take him while she naps. My husband gets a break and I get quality time with my big boy - which is something I also realized I desperately yearned for and needed to feel good about, for instance, scheduling and taking him to get his shots. </p> <p>ETA: We've found a middle ground on a lot. Like I make lunches but on Sundays he preps all the fruit, etc so it's ready to be thrown in there. Once that's done I can do lunches in 2 day increments in about 1 minute. Something that could be presented as a huge load ("I make lunches for my 2 kids every day") is now just an easy no brainer I do while he does bath time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862944 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:23:49 +0000 LBee 2862944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Yes - I also give it to new moms. @jape14 recommended it when I was contemplating either murder or divorce (murder felt better because of life insurance, but I digress). My husband also read it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862943 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:23:31 +0000 LCTBQE 2862943@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: Ah I was writing over you! I'm going to read it. the shoes thing is unheard of! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862942 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:22:47 +0000 LCTBQE 2862942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: have you actually read that book? the summary article you linked is spot on. totally agree that it's refreshing to remind myself that a lot of things I take on, I do so because (even though it's a burden that it HAS to be done) --I actually really enjoy. I know I'm a freak but I love folding laundry, buying their baby clothes is one of my favorite things on earth, when I'm not exhausted I love to cook. And a lot of the things I don't take on, I freaking detest--like dealing with our Verizon cell phone plan/bills, even the sight of their logo annoys me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862940 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:12:32 +0000 LBee 2862940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: My husband noticed my shoes looked ratty and bought me a new pair as well as got my old ones re-soled as a surprise. I'm not even kidding. We both read "How to not Hate Your Husband After Kids" and I think it made a huge difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862939 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:10:55 +0000 LCTBQE 2862939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am really loving this thread. It's kind of half husband appreciation day and half lady-power :) I forgot to include that I don't do morning drop off, the lion's share of care for our son since baby girl was born, yard maintenance, and car maintenance. Also I am amazed by how many don't do laundry, grocery shopping, or cooking dinner, that is a huge load off. </p> <p>Although yeah agree with you @MrsSCB: that it's sort of ridiculous that I and a lot of others included stuff that really has no business being on here re men maintaining *themselves* and if the tables were turned would be comical (husband taking on mental load to buy gifts for wife's extended family, husband noticing when wife needs new socks, etc). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862929 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 09:42:57 +0000 LBee 2862929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think he probably does as much if not more than me? I'm talking about the list of stuff that no one really loves doing. I can't really fault him for not doing the things that I enjoy?! I really like shopping for the kids... I can't really be mad that I have to spend time doing that. I'm also a huge micromanager - so yes, I take the kids to their appointments, but only because I want to be RIGHT THERE and get first hand commentary.</p> <p>Things he does that I can think of quickly:<br /> - all house stuff and yard work (air filters, leaf blowing, etc)<br /> - all laundry and ironing (although he did recently turn DD's white socks pink...)<br /> - Costco runs (also takes the kids with him so I have a break!)<br /> - researches parenting topics equally<br /> - equal income household<br /> - 50% of cleaning, cooking, dishes<br /> - he desires to go grocery shopping but I don't allow it because he is an impulse food buyer ... though that counts, I suppose?<br /> - buying, monitoring, and installing all paper products in our home<br /> - morning drop off<br /> - all of my parent's house stuff and tech stuff<br /> - bath time<br /> - trash<br /> - dry cleaning<br /> - bug killing (both preventative and ad hoc)<br /> - car maintenance<br /> - gets me gas on Sundays<br /> - deals with the dogs - feeding, nail clipping<br /> - kid haircuts<br /> - 50% (if not more) of taking off for kid illnesses, random pick-ups, days we don't have childcare (though I have to alert him)<br /> - makes coffee in the morning and delivers to me</p> <p>I'm sure there is tons more this is just what I can think of after 1 cup of coffee. I do not feel that I do more than him because I am cognizant of some of the stuff that takes up time (shopping for the kids, etc) is stuff that I ENJOY. Also our kids are dressed far nice [read: more expensively] than he would ever do if he was charged with this task. </p> <p>#2 in this article - HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book - is how we approach things: </p> <p><a href="https://lifehacker.com/5-ways-not-to-hate-your-husband-after-kids-1794629282" rel="nofollow">https://lifehacker.com/5-ways-not-to-hate-your-husband-after-kids-1794629282</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862920 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 09:12:31 +0000 MrsADS 2862920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I work 3 days a week and husband works full-time. Things he does that I don't do - </p> <p>1. schedule his doctor/dentist/haircut etc. appts (although I usually remind him to do it)<br /> 2. Take out trash and recycling (although I do it sometimes)<br /> 3. Bills are split - he pays probably 60% of them<br /> 4. Home repairs/maintenance - changing air filters, calling to get bushes trimmed, etc.<br /> 5. Daycare drop off and pick up (80% of the time)<br /> 6. Car maintenance/oil change on our minivan (his main car - I handle my car)<br /> 7. washes dishes every night</p> <p>That's about all I can think of TBH. I do way more in my opinion </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862915 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 08:53:45 +0000 periwinklebee 2862915@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, this thread actually makes me want to feel resentful, as I feel like I handle many of these things and bring in more than half of our income. I think maybe I need to have higher expectations. I grew up in a community where men almost universally did very little in the home sphere - so on some level my expectations are low and that matters. DH similarly, though he is much better than his family (his aunts are like "I don't believe you know how to change a diaper" - it is just inconceivable to them that men do anything...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862911 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 08:36:56 +0000 caitcat 2862911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love reading these lists! I'm inspired to turn some more of my husband's family stuff back over to him - and also start asking him to schedule his own doctor/dentist appointments. (Though I'm kind of worried he'll let his teeth fall out if I don't make the appointment...hmm.)</p> <p>Here are some things he tackles and I don't:</p> <p>1. Yardwork<br /> 2. Grocery shopping (I make a list and he takes care of it on his way home from work once a week)<br /> 3. Going to Costco. I hate going to Costco, especially with our kids, and am SO glad there's one near his office. He stops on his way home once or twice a month.<br /> 4. Cat litter. He took it over while I was pregnant with our oldest four years ago...and I never got the job back. Yay!<br /> 5. Home repairs and routine home maintenance stuff<br /> 6. Grilling, and cooking any meat other than chicken.<br /> 7. Shoveling snow/clearing driveway/sidewalk/etc.<br /> 8. Swim lessons with our kids<br /> 9. And I guess the biggie is that he's the main breadwinner. It's given me the flexibility to be home with our kids, and do more flexible freelance work than my prior full time job. I think he'd actually say this is a shared benefit of how we've split the load. We've both benefited tremendously from this change we made a few years ago. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862907 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 08:21:47 +0000 RonjaL7 2862907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>LOVE this post. Sometimes I feel like I do ALL THE THINGS, but this made me think and I realized...</p> <p>I don't:<br /> 1) mow the lawn or do general outside maintenance<br /> 2) clip the dogs toenails<br /> 3) go to the dump<br /> 4) do any grocery shopping other than carside pickup service<br /> 5) load our outdoor wood boiler (twice daily)<br /> 6) most of the driving when we are together</p> <p>Not a big list, but hey I guess I don't do all the things. haha </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862888 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 06:11:24 +0000 Adira 2862888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes... this thread makes me realize maybe I do too much??? Here's what I don't do...</p> <p>1. Manage Hub's Dentist/Doctor appointments<br /> 2. Clip the kids' nails<br /> 3. Do School/Daycare Drop-Off</p> <p>Pretty sure I do/manage everything else... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862864 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:42:58 +0000 Littlebit7 2862864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a good thread. My husband travels about 90% of the year, for the last year out of the country<br /> 1. Works full time. Is the primary breadwinner. I quit working this year and I can’t minimize the fact that he works tirelessly for our family at great personal sacrifice. He has missed major milestones and it weighs heavily on him<br /> 2. Pay (most) most bills. I still pay all<br /> Medical bills and my 2 personal CCs<br /> 3. Manage our finances, budget, investments. He runs the numbers with intense excel spreadsheets and has a really close eye on everything, inscluding future forecasts of our finances in a variety of best to worst case scenarios<br /> 4. Shreds paper. Ok ok Starting to reach here.<br /> 5. Changed smoke detector batteries (i hate that shit<br /> 6. Cooks on the weekends<br /> 7. Deals with internet, network stuff in the house</p> <p>But as our household goes, I’d argue I manage 95% of it (in a purely managerial capacity) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862856 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:27:55 +0000 lady baltimore 2862856@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't:</p> <p>*wash DH's laundry<br /> *cut the lawn<br /> *drop DD off at preschool (except when I am off of work)<br /> *take primary responsibility for emptying the trash and recycling</p> <p>Maybe it's just because I am burnt out from being a teacher heading into winter break, but that is all that I was able to come up with, and it is just making me feel more tired. :bummed: I need to read over everyone else's list more carefully and see if I can recognize more of the responsibilities that DH does take on, because I am trying to focus on being more appreciative to help with the "mental load grumpies". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862841 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 20:44:47 +0000 SweetCaroline 2862841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Things DH Does:<br /> -All car repairs &amp; maintenance<br /> -All home repairs &amp;maintenance, including hiring people.<br /> -Manages relationship with cleaning company<br /> -Purchases gifts for both our dads<br /> -Does majority of daycare pickups and kid full sick days (I do pickup when DD gets sent home sick)<br /> -Garbage, compost, recycling<br /> -Cuts, stacks, hauls wood for our wood stove and keeps a fire burning<br /> -Plows our driveway (I shovel the porch/sidewalk)<br /> -Washes dishes majority of time<br /> -Mows lawn majority of time<br /> -Gets DD dressed and feeds her breakfast on weekdays, packs her backpack</p> <p>Things Neither Of Us Do:<br /> -Weekly grocery shopping. We do grocery pickup and Costco occasionally<br /> -Weeknight family get togethers--DH's family does birthday dinners and impromptu get togethers on weeknights. We decided with 2 FT WOH parents and a young child, it's too disruptive. We need weekend activities and a decent notice, otherwise we simply cannot attend.<br /> -Sweat/stress about a missing mitten, travel mug, hat, etc. We view extras as an investment in our sanity and donate when we're through.<br /> -Wait until the last minute to purchase gifts. Nu uh. I don't need that stress. I look forward and buy gifts early and throughout the year.<br /> -Worry about running out of something. We stock several backups:ketchup, dish soap, Motrin, etc. No desperate must stop store trips.<br /> -Dry cleaning/ironing. I dress business casual and my slacks and blazers launder well.</p> <p>These lists are awesome for ideas and also to just reevaluate and get creative!</p> <p>ETA: I alsodo not manage DH's medical/dental appointments. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862831 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 19:09:47 +0000 wrkbrk 2862831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE:<br /> I do no food shopping, food prep, or cooking. Essentially everything else is split (car appointments, drop offs/pick ups, scheduling trips and doctor’s appointments, cleaning, planning date nights and getting babysitters lined up, dealing with finances, paying bills, home repairs, etc). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862824 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:33:51 +0000 ElbieKay 2862824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I never vacuum or deal with the cat litter. I rarely do laundry. I probably change the sheets and clean the bathroom about 50% of the time. I make dinner about 15% of the time, but I always make breakfast. I almost never take out the trash.</p> <p>I stopped processing bills and handed that off when our oldest was born. I also stopped waking up my husband and made him set an alarm.</p> <p>Since the twins were born I handed off lunch prep for the 4yo. I handle some diaper changes before nursing sessions but ask him to do the rest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mental-load-what-do-you-not-do#post-2862820 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:16:45 +0000 MrsSCB 2862820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t do:</p> <p>1) scheduling his appointments<br /> 2) his laundry<br /> 3) his breakfasts/lunches<br /> 4) lawn maintenance (we pay people, but he handles it)<br /> 5) some bills—electric, gas, car payment, phones, internet. They’re mostly automated, but he manages that.<br /> 6) gifts for his family<br /> 7) remembering/taking trash and recycling out on trash day<br /> 8) allocating our money. We have joint accounts and separate accounts, and he takes care of taking our combined paychecks and making sure it goes where it needs to.<br /> 9) buying his clothes</p> <p>My list seems similar to a lot here. It does make me laugh a little, though, because I feel like a lot of things would never need to be said vice versa. Like a husband wouldn’t even need to clarify that he doesn’t buy gifts for his wife’s family because of course not... </p>