https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 10:45:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2275018 Thu, 27 Aug 2015 16:39:28 +0000 Seanettle 2275018@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just a different opinion here: So I went to both my Mothers and MILs baby showers. They were both stressful and the long plane flights were REALLY uncomfortable. After MILs trip I got shingles. Shingles! Seriously...Stress induced break out of that old chicken pox virius that lives in us all...shower was NOT WORTH THE STRESS. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270909 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 13:45:40 +0000 daniellemybelle 2270909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you both have valid feelings but she should have been honest with you. The whole thing with your sister in law isn't healthy and you don't want to give into that kind of passive aggressive thing. (Easier said than done, I know!)</p> <p>I agree with the others who say a sip &amp; see type shower after the baby is born is perfect. You will be on maternity leave and probably planning a visit anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270865 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 12:35:45 +0000 AmandaB8 2270865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would either do a weekend shower or a sip and see later. Your MIL is excited - she wants to celebrate that excitement. She wants to celebrate with not just you, but her family too. I think the inconvenience isn't about hers - it's that all of the guests she wants to invite also. And I totally get that. Plus,. she probably has all of DH's family asking her when the shower is, and is probably heartbroken to have to tell them that she doesn't get to throw one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270668 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 06:12:25 +0000 looch 2270668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really like the idea of the sip and see after the baby is born, if you're cool with that. </p> <p>I totally understand your mother in law wanting to host something, she has her people that she wants to invite, so I could see how offering to invite her to your CT shower isn't really a solution.</p> <p>I would probably just fly in for a weekend, though, and let my MIL host something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270625 Sun, 23 Aug 2015 00:00:18 +0000 BSB 2270625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I agree that this question should be considered(?). My sister's MIL pretty much had her shower planned and didn't feel to let us know. Not that we had to co-host but to coordinate so we don't pick the same weekend or something. Plus, my sister wasn't sure if our family was planning one. My sister was also getting uncomfortable because her MIL would ask her about our plans and my sister felt weird asking us details about her shower. (My sister wanted to stay out of the planning process for obvious reasons. It was just weird that my sister was the middle woman for a little while. I had to reach out to the MIL.) The MIL and our families live in the same area, too. Turns out the MIL had some issues with our family and she pretty much thought she was better than us. Yeah, lots of drama. I'm so glad that I asked my mother and sisters to reach out to my MIL. Made things so much easier. I'm sure it's hard for anyone to host a shower and for all hosts to all agree but in the end I had an amazing shower and I'm so happy that it was a great success. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270622 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 23:48:26 +0000 DesertDreams88 2270622@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I don't think the idea of co-hosting occurred because they live so far away from each other (WI, CT) and my MIL &amp; mom have only interacted 4 times in 8 years. They don't dislike each other; they just don't interact because of distance. None of the ILs/DH's extended family would go to the CT shower. Most of them didn't come to our CT wedding 5 years ago, either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270618 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 23:41:14 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2270618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: As soon as I told my mom we were pregnant she offered to throw a shower and promptly said she'd ask MIL to co-host (MIL lives 4 hours away). Was this ever considered by your mom (or suggested by you) given that both grandmas-to-be are OOT? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270598 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 22:51:23 +0000 DesertDreams88 2270598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@AprilFool: True. I guess I just see it differently because I'm much closer to my mom &amp; my family and she had the date set for the shower for 2 months before my MIL even mentioned wanting a shower. My mom set the date in accordance with my school break. Furthermore, I only get to see my mom about once a year. I see my MIL 2-3 times a year and soon, I'll see her every day. </p> <p>Another way to look at it: My MIL thinks it's inconvenient for her to fly from WI to CT, but not inconvenient for me, a 25+ wks pregnant lady, to fly from AZ to WI, within the same month as another cross-country trip that was already booked months in advance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270586 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 22:14:29 +0000 travelgirl1 2270586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Showers are not a big deal at all in England so I don't fully understand the fuss/obligations/culture connected to them, therefore take this with a pinch of salt. But, I think what you have said to your MIL so far is fine. You invited her to another shower, said she could host the next baby's shower and are quite reasonable in not wanting to fly out. I don't think you need to do anything else to make it work. I also don't think you have any obligation to celebrate the baby with anyone. You are pregnant, your only obligation is to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy through your pregnancy and I don't think people should be trying to guilt trip you. And to your MIL's credit, she put a brave face on it and may not realise your SIL is interfering. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270585 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 22:11:11 +0000 AprilFool 2270585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think calling the shower your MIL wants to throw you "inconvenient" while flying across country to go to the one your family is throwing is what could taint your relationship but each to their own. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270584 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 22:09:40 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2270584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ladybee: I totally agree with you. </p> <p>The whole situation feels like you are very much favoring your family at the expense of your DH's and I can totally see how that would be hurtful to both MIL and DH. I think you ought to fly out Friday after work and fly back on Sunday so you can do a shower with DH's family. Do it in late September if you don't want to fly twice in October. </p> <p>Both sides of the family want to celebrate this new baby and to make sacrifices to celebrate with one side but not be willing to make sacrifices to celebrate with the other side really isn't fair or right, IMO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270580 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 21:57:53 +0000 DesertDreams88 2270580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@simplyfelicity: cute theme idea! DH likes it too and he's going to metion it to FIL tomorrow. After talking today we realized the ILs might not realize how firm our June-visit plans are... maybe that would help. </p> <p>@aprilfool: I'd be really troubled if the lack of a inconvenient baby shower ruined/"tainted" a 8-year good relationship. There's much, much bigger priorities in life than baby showers. </p> <p>@jedeve: thanks for sharing your experience! If the timing worked out, I definitely would like to visit in March. It's just the practicalities seem a bit silly... and we try to split family visits equally. We're already seeing them in Feb &amp; June, and they're moving here in July. Meanwhile, I'll be lucky if I get to see my family for a week in the summer, and my mom will come for a week around the birth.</p> <p>@tanjowen: Yeah, about 15-20 women of DH's extended family would be invited, plus about 5-10 women I know on a "friend" level. I'm on an acquaintance level with the extended family, since we've been long distance for most of our relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270576 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 21:45:38 +0000 jedeve 2270576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I visiter my family across the country the week before my mat leave was up. It was actually really nice! He was three weeks old and had shots, I felt a little competent at taking care of him by that point, and it was great to take a vacation without having to take any extra time off! That's the route I would suggest. </p> <p>Alternatively, you could have your DH fly out and have a man shower. :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270575 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 21:44:25 +0000 AprilFool 2270575@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: I think hurt feelings can linger and can set the tone, just my opinion. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270549 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 20:46:11 +0000 Nutella 2270549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so tricky, especially as you don't sound keen on going. </p> <p>I would love if my MIL suggested such a thing, but it's not really her style. She sort of hung back a bit and didn't really get involved. To be fair, she lives interstate so I wasn't expecting anything like that at all. While it didn't upset me at the time, I think it would have been lovely to have both grandmas involved in celebrating the pregnancy together/separately. </p> <p>If it makes a difference, I did a bit of flying around that time, and it was no problem at all. </p> <p>But you definitely shouldn't do it if it will cause you to be stressed or worried. Maybe like others say, you could try for a visit when baby is born? But I personally would prefer flying pregnant than with a teeny baby.</p> <p>Good luck with what you choose! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270541 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 20:31:50 +0000 simplyfelicity 2270541@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about throwing a "babyque" in June? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270539 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 20:26:51 +0000 catomd00 2270539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's not about her it's about you! If you're not feeling up to it, tell your husband to attend in your place! It's his mom, so he can deal with it!</p> <p>Fwiw, my mom wanted to host an out of town shower later in my pregnancy and I refused because it wasn't convenient or comfortable for me. And that was my own mom! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270498 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 18:50:33 +0000 Tanjowen 2270498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you had a lot of family or friends near your MIL's, I would understand having a shower out there. Is that the case by any chance? Like your DH's siblings or something?</p> <p>A baby shower is not about the person throwing it, but about celebrating with those that love you and the baby (obviously), and your MIL getting to be a part of the family baby shower fulfills that. My MIL came to my family shower. It would have been odd to me to have flown several states away for a baby shower for her friends. I don't think it's unreasonable to not have one and I imagine she's just disappointed and wondering what her role is since you're not her daughter - something my MIL once said to me when I was pregnant. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy/page/2#post-2270497 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 18:44:48 +0000 Foodnerd81 2270497@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: would it be too late to have a sip and see in June when you go? While I do think it would be nice if you could go sooner, it sounds like t would be really inconvenient and stressful. I most definitely do not think you should go against doctors wishes on when to fly. I flew at 30 weeks (with midwife blessing) and it was pretty darn uncomfortable. </p> <p>i think you should talk about it openly with her but just explain how you have been trying to figure out how to make it work and you just can't see a way. Maybe she will be happy to have a meet the baby party in June. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270495 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 18:42:30 +0000 wonderstruck 2270495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@AprilFool: If MIL not getting to throw a baby shower is going to taint their relationship, they have bigger issues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270483 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 18:03:35 +0000 simplyfelicity 2270483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: Ditto! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270482 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 18:01:00 +0000 AprilFool 2270482@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your MIL wants to do something nice for you and if you can make it work, I would. A little kindness goes a long way sometimes and this could taint your whole relationship. If she is going to be your childcare I would want to start this off in the best place possible and I say this as someone who doesn't have a great relationship with their MIL.</p> <p>Also I flew internationally (14 hours) and cross country when I was 23 weeks and it was really no big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270479 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:49:05 +0000 alphagam84 2270479@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you're being unreasonable. And I flew a couple of times at 26-27 weeks pregnant and I was sooo uncomfortable. Each flight was under 2 hours. I cannot doing a longer flight unless we were rich and could afford first class seats! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270472 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:19:21 +0000 ladybee 2270472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I agree, but since the statement was that MILs don't have the right I was just curious. I hate being the center of attention so I don't care for parties about me no matter who's throwing it. :)</p> <p>@torchwood </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270471 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:18:25 +0000 Torchwood 2270471@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ladybee: I don't think anyone has a right to throw a shower against the honoree's wishes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270470 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:16:05 +0000 DesertDreams88 2270470@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ladybee: I know your question was directed at @Torchwood, but I find it very odd anyone would say someone has a "right" to throw a shower or party... it should be up to the person-of-honor's wishes, shouldn't it??<br /> ------------------<br /> OK there were tons of replies and I was going to try to personalize my replies with the usernames but there's just too many and there's a lot of overlap!</p> <p>I like the idea of a sip-n-see, theoretically!! But isn't it recommended to wait at least until 2mo vaccine shots? The window of opportunity between the shots and returning to work will be very small. Plus, the ILs flying out here in Feb., so it doesn't seem to make much sense to go there in March, and April &amp; May are out of the picture, being two working parents and having used up all paid leave. That's why our plan was to visit in June. </p> <p>As for the relationship with the MIL, perhaps my description of her reaction wasn't clear. She was surprised and disappointed but "put on a good face" about it because that's who she is and how she was raised. However, in an unfiltered moment with SIL, she admitted her true feelings. I'm not troubled by that dynamic. MIL and I get along very well most of the times. Furthermore, MIL usually doesn't have a good relationship with SIL (who married into the family, it's not her daughter). </p> <p>As for the sacrifice of MIL moving out here to care for LO, while I totally get that it's a huge blessing, it's also not something I asked of them nor even truly wanted the most (if I had the money, I'd prefer a daycare center). My FIL &amp; MIL have been planning to retire here for the past 5 years. They'd save $500 a month on pension taxes alone, and they have friends who moved here. So... it's not like, a purely altruistic move on their part. </p> <p>I kind of feel like... my MIL gets the grandbaby basically full-time. Can't my mom get the baby shower, at least? Without "competition"?</p> <p>As for the fly out on Friday, fly back on Sunday, it's definitely an option. However, it doesn't solve the issue of two cross country flights on October, which I don't want. Plus, I work about 8 hours a week on the weekends. I can take it with me, but it just means I'll be really drained all of October. </p> <p>No, I can't fly past 31 weeks, according to my doctor. This baby was too hard to get, I'm not risking it and neither will he. I look about a month ahead of where I am, so the flight people might ask for a doctor's note.</p> <p>Lastly, there are no Mondays or Fridays off, or early releases on Mon/Fri; in Sept, Oct., or early November. </p> <p>Great ideas, everyone, though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270468 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:11:06 +0000 rosegold 2270468@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: traditonally mothers throw baby showers anyway not mother in laws. that's too much travel and she should be able to understand. don't let it come across as being inconvenient despite it actually being just that. if it is ever mentioned just explain in a heartfelt way that it's hard but you have to do what's best for baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270463 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 16:50:03 +0000 ladybee 2270463@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I'm curious, do you feel like the mother of the mom has right to throw a shower? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270453 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 16:05:20 +0000 ms.line 2270453@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My initial reaction is to agree with PPs that you're not obligated to have a shower with her and to stick to your guns. BUT, the fact that she's going to be relocating to your town in less than a year in order to provide full time childcare for your LO makes me think you should accomdate her on this one with a late-Friday to Sunday visit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mil-baby-shower-issue-tell-me-im-not-crazy#post-2270447 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 15:34:48 +0000 regberadaisy 2270447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just saw your response; what about suggesting a open house sip n see in June then? </p>