https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 03 May 2026 00:50:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2901305 Fri, 01 Nov 2019 11:28:37 +0000 bhbee 2901305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: thinking of you and your family :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899527 Mon, 14 Oct 2019 13:15:35 +0000 lindseykaye 2899527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My most heartfelt thank you to everyone for your replies, suggestions, and kind words. I'll keep all of this close as we move through this process day-by-day.</p> <p>She had a bone biopsy today to see if the cancer in her back is the same as the cancer elsewhere, and will start chemo next week. </p> <p>@Chuckles: those cards are amazing. I feel like I need some now for friends of mine who I just wasn't there for like I should have been in the past. Two of my dearest friends both lost their fathers in the past year (non-cancer) and I struggled so much to know what to do or what to say. I'm reflecting and regretting my lack of presence in their lives through this... but it's never too late, right? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899500 Mon, 14 Oct 2019 10:57:54 +0000 Grace 2899500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m so sorry. My dad had terminal cancer a few years ago and I think the most important way people helped (and he said it, himself), was to be there. People flew to see him, different people called every day etc, etc. So, in your position (depending on how close you are emotionally), I would make a point of texting every day, calling every few days and going out there as often as you can. I’m so sorry - this sucks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899441 Sun, 13 Oct 2019 13:43:27 +0000 LAZB 2899441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t have anything helpful to suggest, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899440 Sun, 13 Oct 2019 13:42:45 +0000 bhbee 2899440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: wow these are great! I always struggled to buy cards for my MIL when she was sick. I usually went with blank because they never said the right thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899434 Sun, 13 Oct 2019 12:12:57 +0000 Petitduck 2899434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: thanks for replying. This makes sense. I think we’re just so programmed to try and make everything smooth and comfy socially so it’s hard to be involved in the uncomfortable situations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899416 Sat, 12 Oct 2019 20:18:59 +0000 Chuckles 2899416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As others have noted, your dad will also need support during this time. Be ready if he needs to talk about things that might be uncomfortable. When my dad was going through cancer treatment, my mom wanted to talk to me about their life insurance options and how hard it was to choose what to do based on not knowing whether he'd live 6 more months or 6 more years. It wasn't something I was emotionally ready to talk about, but I knew it was important to her.</p> <p>ETA: if you want to send cards, this website has amazing cards that are like sympathy cards, but better. Not awkward, a tiny bit funny sometimes, acknowledging a crappy time. I love them. <a href="https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards" rel="nofollow">https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899415 Sat, 12 Oct 2019 20:13:45 +0000 foodiebee 2899415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Petitduck: The short simple answer: Say what you said, just leave out the "but." "I know it's bad. It is. And I'm here in the bad with you, however you need me."</p> <p>Long answer: I can only speak from my experience with my friend. For her, it was stifling to hear something like, "This is all part of God's plan/every closed door leads to a window (or whatever that saying is)/it's all going to be just fine!" It felt like it left no room for her to be honest about how she was feeling, which wasn't that everything was going to be okay, and that she had to instead answer in some way that made the *other person* more comfortable. Instead, when she said "this sucks. I'm so scared/unhappy/mad," I'd say, "I'm mad too! F this! F all of this!" It's like, you just want someone to stand there in the rain and scream at the universe with you, you know? She just wanted someone to say, yeah, your feelings are totally valid and I'm not going to downplay that. I'm going to stand here in this sh*t with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899382 Sat, 12 Oct 2019 00:12:06 +0000 turquoisemama 2899382@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: My dad has been going through this and he has had a couple of different doctors tell him different things until finally he found an amazing oncologist who was not afraid to do experimental treatments and had a lot of hope for him. Encourage her to get second and third opinions and don’t necessarily settle for the first treatment plan. The first hospital group my dad went to basically wrote him off and gave him 5 months, but with this new doctor, he’s over a year and a half in and still feeling good on immunotherapy with very minimal side effects. Don’t lose hope just yet💕💕 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899369 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 20:15:30 +0000 SweetCaroline 2899369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for this news that you have received. Through all of this, make sure you lean on your husband and remember that you can't pour from an empty cup. You will have to ensure your dad is taking care of himself. Here is what I have learned...my mom had breast cancer when I was younger and I also watched her take care of both of my ailing grandparents until they passed:<br /> -At some point, you may need to research respite care so your dad can take a break now and again.<br /> -When your parents are exhausted, meals are.going to be tough to pull off. I would batch cook and fill my parent's freezer when I visited. I would also stock them up with a visit to Costco.<br /> -Your mom will always feel better when she is hydrated than when she is not, but she may not feel like drinking. You may want to introduce her to a variety of flavors and types of drinks: Gatorade, Propel, Mio, etc.<br /> -Call your brother and come up with a plan on how you can both leverage your strengths and resources to support your parents.<br /> -Use the internet to your advantage to overcome distance. Can you research services at the hospital they chose to be treated at? Find places to deliver food? If your mom needs specific medical supplies or equipment, ordering things online for them.</p> <p>These are tons of random thought gleaned from my personal family experience. I hope you can find one of them helpful. I wish you peace :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899367 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 19:58:04 +0000 Petitduck 2899367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: I’m so sorry for you, your mom, and your family. </p> <p>@foodiebee: what is a concrete way to show support/ what do you say? So that you’re not throwing in those “I know it’s bad, but think of your good life so far..etc”. I find I’m really crappy at showing appropriate support in situations like this and I’d like be better and more adult about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899361 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 19:37:18 +0000 ChitownRo 2899361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Im so sorry you all are going through this. I’m actually an oncology NP (but very sub specialized in GI).<br /> 1- the hormone status of breast cancer makes a big difference in prognosis (ER, PR, HER2). There are sooo many targeted treatments and median survivals for breast cancer can be many years. And with a good quality of life. Ask direct questions to the oncologist<br /> 2- have your mom get at least one second opinion at a big academic center, preferably an NCCN institution<br /> 3- random, but have her go to the dentist now. They will likely put her on a medicine for bone metastasis (similar to osteoporosis medicine) - if she needs any serious dental work, she should do it now before she begins the treatment </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899331 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 13:27:45 +0000 pachamama 2899331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just want to say I'm sorry. I feel like I sort of know you at this point and it makes me sad to think of you sad. Hugs. 💜 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899322 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 12:41:05 +0000 MrsMom 2899322@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: I am so incredibly sorry you and your family are going through this! I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know you have all of us here for you. Sending lots of Hugs and Love! :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899318 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 12:01:03 +0000 foodiebee 2899318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First, I'm so sorry. There isn't an easy way to go through this and frankly, it's sucks in every way. I went through C with a dear friend and my advice is first to you: Feel your feelings. Meaning, give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling. Mad, sad, scared, guilty. They're all valid. Let yourself experience them when they come. Don't try to tamp them down. And generally: Allow your mom to be this way with you. Don't try to alleviate her pain when she's expressing it by saying things like, "I know it hurts but think of XYZ!" Let her feel however she's feeling, because her feelings are valid too! In other words, be in the pain with her if that's what she asks of you. My friend said that this was all she wanted sometimes--for someone to embrace her where she was rather than thinking it was their job to try to gloss over it and make pleasantries instead. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899304 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 10:51:13 +0000 bhbee 2899304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: sounds like you are all on the same page and thinking about everything together :heart: glad you can plan another visit too - we sunk a ton of money (and inconvenience) into DH’s trips and our family visit and I would absolutely do it again </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899299 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 10:25:13 +0000 Mama Bird 2899299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I agree with everyone who suggests a visit very soon. And maybe talk to each of your parents, alone, as they deal with the disease and treatment - they may try to keep a hopeful face on for each other, but need to vent because they're keeping all that fear and stress and grief bottled up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899296 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 10:04:30 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2899296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: With my grandfather I make a point of sending texts and pictures just like I would with any family, so cute pictures of E, chatty whats going on with us stuff and also directed questions specific to how he is doing and feeling. I find it helps to at least keep some of our conversations normal and not about his health.<br /> I am so glad your husband can be a rock for you and help you through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899294 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:59:02 +0000 yellowbeach 2899294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so so sorry you all have received this diagnosis.</p> <p>I think your idea of regular FaceTime calls is a great one. Just make sure knows she has a free pass to skip without guilt at any time. But checking in that regularly will help you identify the patterns of when to expect good days vs bad days. </p> <p>Also, it may help to ask your Dad down the road what you can do for him as well. Caregiver stress is a very real thing, and the focus is often always on the patient rather than the family.</p> <p>Thinking of you all. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899292 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:37:07 +0000 lindseykaye 2899292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bhbee: This is a really good point about hospice care also. My mom was the primary caregiver to her MIL for about 10 years (after a series of strokes and breast cancer) and I think that experience has helped shape how she wants to live and be cared for right now.</p> <p>@Mrs. Starfish: I agree, researching can be so stressful for the person with the diagnosis. It might be hard on me too, so I don't know if I'm mentally able to be this person for them if they need one (my brother or his fiance might be able to). My parents are very low-tech - like no wifi or computers in their home - so I expect they will likely follow the direction of the doctors and care team closely.</p> <p>DH is already amazing, and I can see already all the ways he will step up and support me and give me space at the same time. This shit sucks, but he's helping to make it bearable. We went through a really hard time a couple years ago, and I was hugging him yesterday after telling him the news and was so thankful that I have him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899291 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:25:29 +0000 lindseykaye 2899291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you to everyone for the thoughtful replies so far. I hate that this has touched so many people, but appreciate so much that this community exists so that I have this space to talk/vent/learn/process it all.</p> <p>@gotkimchi: @skiierchck99: I am expecting her timeline to be fairly short, even though I don't yet know what 'short' means here. The fact that surgery is already off the board and it's so widespread seems to indicate that treatment is more about giving her as much time as possible rather than a cure or eliminating the cancer. Doctors told her she will be on chemo for the rest of her life. My parents have both had friends who went from diagnosis to passing in short timelines, so I think they are both prepared for that possibility. And so my brother and I are as well.</p> <p>@bhbee: I talked with my dad a bit about treatment and stopping treatment. It was all pretty vague because it's early in the process, but they are very down-to-earth about this and neither one is the type to continue treatment if their quality of life is poor. I think, too, they will be ok advocating for and understanding their care options but thank you for encouraging me to have those conversations. Even just for my own peace of mind to talk about things even if it's hard and know it's been brought up vs. worrying or wondering.</p> <p>@erinbaderin: Thank you for the care package suggestion. I would love to send something like this to her so she can be as comfortable as possible during a crappy time.</p> <p>I am so glad we made the time and were just there to visit in August. It doesn't feel like enough, and I am already looking to plan another visit sooner than later with everything considered. My parents are supposed to come down for DD2's first birthday in early December but they are going to wait and see how things are going and if she'll be feeling well enough (or medically able) to make the trip. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899288 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:21:43 +0000 Mrs. Starfish 2899288@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so,so sorry to hear this. I hope this isn't insensitive because my recent skin cancer scare was only stage 1, but I personally got extremely overwhelmed by research. Another poster mentioned that doing research can be a great thing that you can do from afar, and I totally and completely agree. Just this week, I went down a rabbit hole of anxiety and finding information and researching took me hours and only increased my anxiety. If I'd had someone doing a bit of research on my behalf, it would have been extremely appreciated. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899287 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:20:04 +0000 bhbee 2899287@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh another thing we did and so glad - we had already planned that August visit but taking the kids before things got too awful was a good plan. They had a nice last visit and we made a push one day to take family photos (with a tripod ourselves - photographer would have been too stressful) outside their home. She does look somewhat ill in them, but not so much we can’t enjoy them forever. We stayed in an Airbnb and only saw MIL part of the time, entertained the kids elsewhere the rest of it. One day she was too sick to see the kids, one day we did the pictures but that was about all she could handle, one day she felt much better and we had a nice relaxing time playing in their yard. The flexibility of it all made it a good way to do it with the least stress for all. The kids did not get much of what was happening throughout ... even my 7yo. She could get the facts much better than a younger kid but not the emotional impact, especially with us not living close by. </p> <p>Sorry to be posting so much. All very fresh to us. Hugs :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899284 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:16:04 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2899284@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry that your family got this news. I agree with others about visiting early before either chemo or radiation take their toll or before something more drastic happens in terms of her health.<br /> You know your parents best but helping them figure out the legal and financial stuff could be very useful. It takes time to navigate insurance and other things like that and neither of them might be up for it.<br /> Try to have the really hard conversations about when to stop treatments, what she wants the end of her life to look like, how you all can best support that.<br /> See about grocery delivery and gift cards to restaurants that deliver. Peapod is a great service if its available where they are. Ask about your parents comfortableness with a cleaner and help hire one.<br /> I am this person for my grandfather and it is hard so very hard in part because no one thinks of you as a caregiver since you aren't with the person all the time. You will grieve along the way and different things will cause unexpected emotions, have them. Do what you normally do for self care and ramp it up to 11, if its something you think will help find a therapist that specializes in grief. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899280 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:10:45 +0000 bhbee 2899280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skiierchck99: that is a good point about hospice too. In MIL’s case they hesitated to get hospice involved because everyone associates that with “the end” when it fact it means 6 months or less left (and you can “graduate” if things start to look better again) and no longer treating (no chemo), just palliative care. In the end she had chemo a week before she died, and died in the ICU the day she had gone in for potentially another treatment. They should never have treated so long but oncologists tend to want to try everything. It is SO personal how to think about hospice and stopping treatment, but keeping it as an option can help things end the way the patient wants, whatever that means. It is so hard to have those conversations but I think so worth it. In fact I’ve had a lot of conversations during MIL’s illness with my own mom about what she would want and I’m so glad to clearly know. </p> <p>So many hugs. Awful stuff to have to think and talk about :sad: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899279 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:10:14 +0000 skiierchck99 2899279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: Very similar - we were told 6-12 months and she made it maybe 4 more weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899276 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 09:06:41 +0000 graceandjoy 2899276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you are going through this; esp the shock of it all. I'd try to arrange with your husband and any other help you have on "regular" trips to see your mom for a set # of days, be in every 2 months, every 3 months, etc. Be there for your mom emotionally, but maybe only talk logistics things with your dad so she doesn't have to stress out or feel bad that you guys are stressing out? It also depends what kind of people they are; if they're fairly indepedent and "with it" to handle insurance, schedules, etc or they would really need your help to manage it remotely... So many hugs :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899272 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 08:58:38 +0000 gotkimchi 2899272@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skiierchck99: @bhbee: agree about the time - doctors told us my grandpa had 2-6 mo, he didn’t make it 2 weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899270 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 08:56:24 +0000 skiierchck99 2899270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: I am so sorry to hear this. My mom was dx with Stage 3 a couple of years ago so I can empathize.</p> <p>I agree with the previous poster that you should make time to spend with her now and expect that things could go downhill rapidly (and being pleasantly surprised if they don’t). I recently had another family member die and the doctors were overly optimistic for her actual condition so we did not understand the prognosis and didn’t treat her as if she was dying, which was a mistake. I agree that doctors can sometimes want to give hope which leads to people not taking the situation as seriously as it is. Hoping dh can lean in so you can spend more time at home.</p> <p>As for what you can do, your parents may need help understanding benefits and care options (nursing, home health aids, Medicare, hospice). I would make sure she also has an end of life plan in place in terms of wills and also health directives. And then like others said, lots of love.</p> <p>Hugs to you - this sucks. ❤️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mom-has-cancer-how-do-i-help-from-afar#post-2899269 Fri, 11 Oct 2019 08:45:40 +0000 bhbee 2899269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so so sorry. I just watched DH go through this, MIL was diagnosed with tbd stage 4 cancer in June, confirmed pancreatic in July, she passed in September. It all went so fast and was shocking and hard. The kids and I last saw her in August and she was already so sick. Pancreatic is really rough, if this is breast cancer you should have a better prognosis even for stage 4. </p> <p>We live in TX and they are in OH so it was hard to be far away. His dad didn’t want a lot of help (meals, etc) but supporting the caregiver is a big thought too. We tried to send more texts and photos to both of them, send a lot of cards with kid drawings, DH called a lot more just to listen, etc. He went to visit about every 3 weeks and stayed working remotely to get extra time there so often only about 2 weeks in between. He’s an only so with a sibling maybe you could rotate visits. Some of the time he was there she was in the hospital but it was such a boost to both his parents to have him present. </p> <p>One thing we saw with stage 4 especially was that the doctors were not very straightforward about her time left ... there is a lot of research that doctors often mislead patients about prognosis because it’s hard to talk about. We did our own research but of course you always hope the better news is right (it was not for MIL, she was right about the median survival for her case). But I say this to say - do the research yourself on everything because your parents may be too much in shock to handle it (we helped them a ton navigating treatments, plans for home care, etc). And don’t assume you have a lot of time, that is, make the most of what you have. Now is the time for your DH to step up and let you do that. </p> <p>As for yourself - for dh, and from my mom who also lost her mom young to a quick and terrible cancer - the hardest part is the waiting for news and watching from afar. I don’t have great advice except make time to grieve along the way, find friends or dh or whomever you can talk to as it goes along, make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your parents. </p> <p>Don’t know if any of this is helpful but huge hugs and if I can ever answer a question about anything please let me know. :heart: </p>