https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 23 Apr 2026 15:21:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326918 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 10:37:03 +0000 pwnstar 2326918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I just wanted to say my situation is very (very!) similar to @yoursilverlining's. LO has always had a strong preference for me, unless I am not physically present. What helped DH the most was finding a special activity for just the two of them (like going to breakfast together on the weekends) and trying to be a bigger part of LO's daily routine, like doing drop offs as much as possible (I used to do both drop off and pickup). The preference can really be a huge strain on both parents. ((hugs)) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326863 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 10:04:53 +0000 JoJoGirl 2326863@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining: Thank you for this - that helps A LOT, especially after what I read yesterday saying the same. We talked last night and realized we were blaming each other for the preference issue when it's probably more related to the fact that he has worked nights the last 2 weeks straight, so she missed all her fun Daddy books and bath time. The discipline issue is still a 'thing' that we need to figure out, but we both feel a little better it's more likely unrelated to this issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326859 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 10:00:16 +0000 yoursilverlining 2326859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>LO has always had a preference for me. Sometimes it’s not that noticeable, but often, it is pretty extreme, and I know it hurts my husband’s feelings a lot. :crying: Like @PurplePeony, even though LO is gone all day at daycare (and is happy there and she is fine for me to leave without meltdown, etc) when we are home, she is like Velcro to me. She likes to be touching me AT ALL TIMES. She wants to hold my hand 24/7, or be sitting on me, or touching me, all the damn time.</p> <p>For us, I *am* the stricter parent. I lose my temper quicker, and I enforce the rules much, much more than my husband does. I’m the “bad cop”. All that has no impact on her behavior or preference though, so, don’t beat yourselves up too much about that. </p> <p>When DH and LO are alone, they have an awesome time together – it’s just if I am there, I am the “disruptor”, in a sense. So, that means I have to remove myself sometimes so that they get alone time. </p> <p>I don’t have any answers, sorry. Just commiseration. I do think some of it is just toddler behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326854 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 09:58:44 +0000 rachiecakes 2326854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: yep, we have bouts of this too! my husband is the same way, he's more reactive, he has a temper and he's more strict about certain things. occasionally he'll say that I 'coddle' J..<br /> My husband will run around and get J all riled up before bedtime and then be strict about going to bed, J has a meltdown and then DH can't understand why.. grr<br /> Yesterday he was calling someone a brat and a butt and I said that's not okay, it's not nice to call people names and to come up with something else to say if you don't like the way someone is behaving. So he tells me that daddy calls him a brat and a butt, daddy comes home at night and J starts screaming at him that ITS NOT OKAY WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT DADDY. DH takes it to heart and gets upset about it.. and on and on.. omg it's exhausting. I'm so sorry. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326833 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 09:45:41 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2326833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In the example you provided about reminding your husband that a warning comessage first before removing the fork, I agree with him that it is undermining him if the reminder happens in front of your LO. I think it's important that parents appear united in front of kids and would let him get away with it since he was the first to respond. If you had jumped in with the warning and he promptly snatched the fork away then he would have undermined you. So it goes both ways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326762 Tue, 20 Oct 2015 08:58:28 +0000 JoJoGirl 2326762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Oh it's not harsh at all - *I* know all of that, and am working on making HIM more aware, because he doesn't realize much of how he comes off to her. It's a work in progress and hence the reason we are in a fight about it - I'm trying to make him see exactly what you said.</p> <p>Thanks everyone else for the feedback - she seems much more open to him when we are both home now, we'll see how it goes tomorrow morning when I'm not there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326225 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 18:10:49 +0000 autumnlove 2326225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO is going to be 2.5 this week and she has a mommy preference right now. She only wants me to take her to the potty, tuck her in and she freaks out when I'm not around when she wakes up in the morning. I know it is a phase but it is exhausting and frustrating at times! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2326221 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 18:01:54 +0000 Nutella 2326221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>LO is going through a daddy preference and it breaks my heart! He'll often wake up saying Dadda Dadda &amp; will just ignore me, looking around for DH who has long gone for work. Some days are better than others but I've found that remembering they are little and it's nothing personal (haha) kinda sorta helps. Today we were all awake and up when DH left &amp; it was meltdown at leaving time. And DH says that's why he often leaves never LO gets up! Sorry this is probably not helpful, but just wanted to commiserate :happy: :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325982 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:55:55 +0000 Alivoo01 2325982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DS started having a heavier mommy preference here. He's been tattling on DH a lot regardless if the matter at hand is small or large. Sigh. Hoping this eases up before DD arrives in March or we're in big, big trouble! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325975 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:53:10 +0000 blackbird 2325975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Oh gotcha :( It's really hard to reign in a temper. I wish i had a good solution for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325969 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:51:13 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2325969@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: This may come off harsh, I'm sorry if it does, but if he does things like snatching things from her or yelling, she might be becoming scared of him, hence her reaction. I'm like your husband - I lose my patience easily, but I have been working my a$$ off to remember that my 2.5 year old is still barely aware of actions, consequences, etc., and that this is prime time for testing limits, figuring things out, making "mistakes" (how the heck would she know that scratching the table is bad if you only told her once or not at all?), etc. And I work on this really hard because I don't ever want my kid to be scared of me, and I have seen that on her face when I overreacted in the past. Plus kids are intuitive little buggers - they know when you're stressed or generally prone to bad behavior - so your daughter might be reacting to his snappiness consistently if it's a regular behavior on your husband's part. </p> <p>FWIW, it helped me A LOT to read books about toddler norms (What to Expect is pretty straightforward/factual, but there are plenty of others) just to give myself a frame of what's normal for the age and work on moderating myself accordingly. Not sure if that's feasible for your husband, but just wanted to throw it out as a thought. Good luck :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325967 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:50:31 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: That's the thing - we already agreed on that method. It's just that when he's stressed/upset/etc about something else, he loses his temper really quickly. I try to do what we agreed upon beforehand, and he feels undermined. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325965 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:48:47 +0000 blackbird 2325965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Would he read a book possibly? there's a whole section in love and logic about consequences and doing the "song" thing before you enforce it. Basically, the one warning. It might work really well for you guys (and he might take it better from a book than you!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325897 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:14:39 +0000 .twist. 2325897@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: I relate to this so much. This is exactly our scenario and I think we will have to ride it out too. L has days of being fine with dad and then other days of needing mommy to do everything. It's frustrating for both parties. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325881 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:07:02 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: No no, I never actually let her off the hook - he just sees it that way. What happens is he snaps and enforces a consequence right away with no warning, when we have firmly decided our party line with discipline is one warning, then time out/lost the fork or whatever. Last night she scratched the table with her fork, and he grabbed it out of her hand and said she lost the privilege (and she of course melted down). I said she gets one warning then we take it away. I see it as asking him to not be so reactive, he sees it at me undermining him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325880 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:03:07 +0000 Truth Bombs 2325880@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I'm the more strict parent so I can see your husband's side. I don't snap or yell at my daughter, but I do enforce rules more consistently than my husband. It's actually really frustrating for me because she cries for daddy when I expect her to follow the rules, so him giving in to her so easily makes things harder for me. Especially because after the fact my husband wants to complain when she doesn't listen and I have to tell him that of course she doesn't listen when she knows he'll eventually just let her off the hook instead of being firm and consistent with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325878 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:02:25 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: Yes - playful vs. nurturing! Exactly!!! It's so hard to try to explain to him how to be nurturing. Like sometimes just hug her, don't tickle her. Argh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325874 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 14:01:06 +0000 Rockies11 2325874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I dont have advice, because I have catastrophically failed at this. My LO #1 was born with a mommy preference. She screamed hysterically for hours when he would hold her even when she was a baby. She's almost 2.5 now and it's never lessened no matter what he does. I think that it was a breastfeeding thing, and now it's just like a settled preference for the time being. If he spent tons of time with her and was nurturing like a mom she would probably get over it, but he doesn't have tons of time and he's more playful than nurturing so I think that we'll just have to ride it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325870 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:58:33 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: YES. This is the crux of it - I think he's too strict, he thinks I undermine him too often (therefore 'let her off the hook'). He snaps at her A LOT but this is the first time I've tried bringing it to his attention. So realistically I don't know if this is just a phase or if it's related to that.</p> <p>@PurplePeony: Oh gosh, I didn't take it as judgy at all :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325862 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:55:01 +0000 PurplePeony 2325862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: eh, if she was in daycare, she's still be stuck to you like Velcro all the rest of the time. My DD is totally fine being away from me during the weekdays but needs to be physically touching me like 90% of the rest of her waking time. I think it really just does come with being a toddler. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325855 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:52:39 +0000 Mama Bird 2325855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think she gets upset because your husband is stricter? We have this going on too and we've had way too many days when DS starts wailing about something ridiculous, DH snaps at him and he melts down completely. We've had many conversations about this and DH is trying much harder to be gentler and more flexible, while I am trying to make it more obvious that I back what he says (even when inside, I think he's wrong). </p> <p>Now they're doing much better and DH actually sat through half an hour of whining this weekend without getting mad, while DS finally calmed down without going ballistic - I'm so proud of them both! We still have bad days of course, but they're putting in a great effort. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325853 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:51:40 +0000 PurplePeony 2325853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: gotcha. I hope I didn't come across as judge-y or anything, I was just floating the idea because of what works (or doesn't) for us. Mommy preference is so hard!! Especially when you're not on the same page as DH about how best to handle it...I know that feeling all too well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325851 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:50:49 +0000 Mae 2325851@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Preference is annoying :( And it really can drive a wedge. I think DH blames me (although he's never said it) because I SAH and he thinks if she was in daycare she'd be less attached to me. I think it is a combo of kids being hardwired to be mom-obsessed in the early years and also the differences in the way we relate to her (but that feels like saying "it is your fault" to him...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325823 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:41:23 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PurplePeony: She does actually get a lot of mommy time. I get her at school between 4:30-5ish, and she's home with me until we eat dinner at 6:30 when DH comes home. Then he does books and bath and I put her down. I'm also only working 4 days/week so I'm home alone all day with her 1 day/week, and we do weekend activities together. I think him going out and doing more 'fun stuff' outside the house instead of just rushing to school isn't a bad idea, because I do fun stuff with her every weekend/Monday and try to squeeze it in in the evenings, too.</p> <p>The bad part is really he's blaming me for it and I'm blaming him for it and it's probably just a phase :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325809 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:31:35 +0000 PurplePeony 2325809@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think she's getting enough "mommy time"? If your DH is doing both the morning routine and bath/books in the evening, and you're at work all day, how much time do you actually spend with her on a normal weekday? Maybe this is her way of saying she wants more time with you. My DD also has a mommy preference but I find she's worse when she spends a lot of time with just DH, whereas if she can sort of fill up her reserves of mommy time, she is much better about then spending one-on-one time with him. It can be a vicious cycle because DH is less patient than I am, and when I'm busy and can't spend as much time with her, she gets upset more easily, has more tantrums, is harder to calm back down, etc. Then DH gets upset because he feels like he can't do anything right, and she gets more worked up because he isn't responding to her the way she wants/needs, and I end up having to "fix things" for both of them. Unfortunately, the only solution for now is for me to just put off other stuff so I can be around DD and give her lots of time and attention -- it's not always possible, but everyone is SO much happier when I can make it happen. Hopefully she'll grow out of it eventually.</p> <p>ETA: I think this is pretty much opposite what everyone else has been saying...but it's what works for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325783 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:18:39 +0000 Foodnerd81 2325783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Mommy preference here is getting it of control too. It's driving us both nuts- I need a freaking break once in a while and DH wants to feel like his kid actually likes him. It's a little different since I stay home and he works pretty long hours so often gets home at or after bedtime, so it's not like we can even designate one task as always daddy time. She is actually fine once I'm gone but if she knows I am an option she doesn't want daddy and will scream for me. </p> <p>I had jury duty one day last week so she was home all day with DH and she was actually a lot better with him and more affectionate with him even after I got home. I really think part of our problem is he just needs to spend more time with her. Weekends he's always trying to do more things- and I can't blame him because thing a pile up around the house since I'm pregnant and have a hard time keeping up- but he needs to put down the phone and do stuff with her more. He's working on it but of course that's not fun since she just wants me most of the time. </p> <p>So yeah no help. It sucks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325778 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:12:51 +0000 Smurfette 2325778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would try him taking her to do more fun stuff just the two of them. Out to breakfast, to the park, to the store, etc. So they develop more of a bond, not just hurrying to get her to day care. Then she will hopefully see him as more "fun". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325775 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:12:01 +0000 blackbird 2325775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We've had some of this with E--DH gets her in the morning on weekends and she's like YES, DADDY! and on weekday mornings, I go get her. And the first things out of her mouth are "daddy? daddy?". It's like she knows that mommy=school days and she won't see him until that evening. Seeing him in the morning=weekends and fun and no daycare! </p> <p>It's super obnoxious for me in the morning. NO I'M NOT DADDY, DADDY IS AT WORK. NO, YOU CANNOT GO TO WORK, TOO. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325771 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:10:30 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: Thanks :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-becoming-unmanageable#post-2325770 Mon, 19 Oct 2015 13:10:15 +0000 JoJoGirl 2325770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: Yeah it's not a bad idea. Our division of duties tends to be him/morning and me/evening (although he still does bath and books, then I put her down) - but maybe they need more quality time together that's not just rushing to get to school. </p>