https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 23:25:54 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2470139 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 13:38:59 +0000 Foodnerd81 2470139@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jess1483: I do the "sorry baby I need to do this with big sister first" thing a lot. Or I'll say ok baby is going to wait in the living room while I read your bedtime stories, but the toddler actually insists that the baby come with us. It's like she really loves the baby while still really hating the time and attention she takes away from her </p> <p>@hilsy85: this is another worry I have- if I leave with the baby so the toddler can spend alone time with daddy, I don't want her to see it as the baby taking me away from her even more. I think it's better when DH takes her someplace fun and the baby and I stay home, but of course not always an option. Last night they went to the car wash and the park while the baby and I stayed home and napped (as much for my sanity as their bonding- I was losing it). </p> <p>And I have been trying to carve out special alone time with the two of us but there's limited opportunities for that. And it feels like it doesn't even help, but of course, she's two so it's hard to tell. </p> <p>Thanks for all the advice and commiseration so far! @JenGirl: the TV watching/ video game/ phone thing is more annoying to me than anything, but she can also tell when he isn't really paying attention at all to her. Frankly I don't care what he does when I'm not there but when I'm home I want him to try and engage with her so she will stop pulling on me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2470109 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 13:08:26 +0000 Jess1483 2470109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This doesn't directly address the mommy preference, but I found my toddler (2.5 at the time) did much better with new baby/sharing attention when he heard me say things like "sorry baby, I can't XYZ right now, I need to ABC with brother." (Baby was sometimes asleep, but brother didn't care, he just liked hearing how important he was, too!) I also let DH take over as many baby duties as possible so I could focus on toddler (though I still fed, and DH didn't have any leave at all due to new job, so that was only sometimes possible). </p> <p>Good luck, it's a tough adjustment! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2470004 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 11:48:48 +0000 Mrs D 2470004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I so so feel you and am so worried about this with DD2's impending arrival.</p> <p>Last week K and DH went on a "date" and I think we are going to try to do this once or twice a month. It was nothing fancy...just pizza and a cupcake...but made her feel special.</p> <p>We are also planning to plan some special Mommy &amp; Me time after DD2 arrives...</p> <p>K currently freaks out if DH even picks her up just to help me out. Changing her diaper is the worst...she has a full melt down bc DH has to pick her up and put her on the table...even though I am standing there telling her I will change it I just need daddy to help with the lifting... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469977 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 11:33:09 +0000 Modern Daisy 2469977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have the opposite problem, an extreme Daddy's Boy, and nothing works until DH physically leaves the house. If DS knows DH is home and trying to do something like work out or shower, he throws a huge fit until we physically allow them to be together. But the second DH is gone it's like night and day - DS might ask where Daddy is, but he's 100% fine with me doing everything all of the sudden. I know it's hard because you stay home and have a newborn, but try to put DD in more situations where you aren't physically there. Maybe that means DH takes her to swimming without you there, or he takes a day off work and you go somewhere. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469895 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:23:49 +0000 hilsy85 2469895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: I actually found that pushing the issue didn't help, since so much of it was related to jealousy around the baby taking up my time. So making him spend solo time with DH just made him feel like I was rejecting him, I think--he never wanted to leave the house with DH and go do something fun. The only thing that really helped was time. We also would go do fun stuff as a family, and I would sit and feed the baby or hold her while DH and LO would go on a carousel or run around at the park, and he could look over and see that I was still there. I also think that some of it is related to the age--LO's mommy pref was the worst it ever was around 2.5. It got better around 3, and now at almost 3.5, he actually prefers daddy to do some stuff! I never thought it would happen. Ultimately, if there is something that your DH just needs to do, then he just needs to do it (bath time, getting her dressed). I would just reflect her feelings back while she is tantrumming (yes you want mommy, I know it makes you upset tht daddy is dressing you. It's ok to be upset). And also, maybe try to spend some 1 on 1 time with your older DD so she does get some unbroken attention from you, which might make her feel better. Around 8 weeks was when things were hardest for us, so I sympathize! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469872 Mon, 22 Feb 2016 10:09:05 +0000 JenGirl 2469872@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: Maybe the swim lessons were a bit much, but I think this concept will ultimately be helpful. As for him being distracted by TV/phone at home, how much of that is actually a problem and how much is just annoyance? Like is he watching TV instead of feeding her or putting her to bed? Or just not being as actively involved in play as you might prefer? Maybe leave them home alone with specific things to be done and whatever else is done is up to them. Like they need to make and eat lunch and take a bath while you're gone and as long as those get done then, don't stress if he's on his phone while she's playing after bath. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469618 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 23:44:13 +0000 hummusgirl 2469618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the suggestions that they need more one-on-one time with you not around. My LO1 has an extreme daddy preference which has only gotten worse since we had another baby 3 months ago, and my DH basically assumed full responsibility for LO1. </p> <p>Two things have helped recently: 1) I stopped breastfeeding for many reasons but an added benefit is that I spend a LOT less time feeding the baby, and DH can equally share in the infant care. 2) My DH went away last weekend. I was forced to do everything for him that DH usually does (bath, bedtime, potty, etc.) and it made LO1 see me as just as capable a parent as DH. I've kept it up by making an effort to stay connected with him even after DH came back (though DH is still the favorite, it's a little more even now). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469572 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 22:17:14 +0000 Foodnerd81 2469572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JenGirl: I do agree with you in theory- she does better when I'm just not around. Though with the swim lessons one day I did "leave" (hid where she couldn't see me) and it was the same. But she was also getting used to the water at the time. One problem leaving them home is he tends to get distracted either with the tv or his phone (which is another issue altogether...) </p> <p>@MrsSRS: we try to be calm and enforce things like this. But sometimes the screaming.... It just gets to you. But yeah that's why I didn't go in and calm her down today and let DH deal with it even though it would have been easier for me to just do it. She actually does sometimes go to her room to calm herself down voluntarily but when she is overtired, all bets are off (which is why she needs the effing nap!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469484 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 20:56:02 +0000 JenGirl 2469484@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also recommend getting the two of them together without you around. Either he can take her somewhere (play cafe, aquarium, mall, running errands) or leave them home and take baby to a coffee shop or a friends house for an hour. That way, there's no mommy to fall back on. If you hadn't been there for the swim classes, I bet she would have, eventually, gotten in with dad. But with you there, it's harder. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469452 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 19:58:25 +0000 MrsSRS 2469452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok, this is a more discipline based, less understanding approach...but it worked for us. At 2.5 DS was getting aware of how his words and actions made other people feel, so we decided to work with that. Any screaming for a different parent was met with a calm, "I understand that you want mommy. It is ok to feel that way, but you may not scream at daddy." Then the next scream got, "you may want mommy, but you need to speak in a calm voice /use kind words or there will be a time out. Screaming is not kind." Then the next scream got a calm "off to time out. When you are calm I will help you." And whatever parent started the cycle dealt with through the end of time out. This is how we deal with other tantrums, so we realized that for DS this needed the same technique. Then have the less preferred parent do as many things as possible for a week or two so this cycle gets repeated a LOT. Of course we tried to make bath with daddy or whatever a fun and special thing, we weren't hoping for resistance, but if he wasn't buying it we went straight to this approach. DS stopped pretty quickly because he wasn't getting what he wanted, and he was getting a calm, predictable response. At first I felt like I was invalidating his feelings, but, for us, it was important that he understand that sometimes he gets mommy, sometimes he gets daddy and sometimes he doesn't have a choice about which. He may feel however he needs to and we will help him with those feelings, but he may not be hurtful with expressing his feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469376 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 17:52:18 +0000 brady80 2469376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like I could have written this. My husband does bath most nights. He also gets her ready in the morning. Not sure if this is an option for you guys, but he will get her from her room and make her a "special" breakfast. On the weekends he takes her to the playground or to Starbucks so she can get a muffin. My husband is much calmer with her and way more fun, yet she always wants me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469333 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:49:31 +0000 Foodnerd81 2469333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Actually- last summer they used to go for bike rides just the two of them (she has a bike trailer) and get ice cream and that was great. But now it's winter in New England AND our bikes were stolen a few months ago. :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469332 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:48:20 +0000 Foodnerd81 2469332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Charm54: unfortunately there isn't really anything he can take over in the daily routine because he often gets home at or after bedtime. We tried the swim lessons thing and it was a fail. I don't know what they could really do together regularly. He's got her out somewhere right now. Of course they didn't leave until after she had woken the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469327 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:37:12 +0000 Charm54 2469327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We went through something like this this summer when I was pregnant and with her 24/7 because i was off (I'm a teacher). One thing that really worked was DH taking DD out of the house to do something fun without me pretty often - swimming, going to the park, going for ice cream...if I wasn't there then she couldn't fall back on "I want mommy" and had a lot of fun with DH in the process. And it was awesome for me to stay home and be kid free for a bit :happy: </p> <p>After that he started taking over more of her daily routine - baths, bed etc which was really helpful with a newborn thrown in the mix. Now she really has no preference and might actually be more team daddy. </p> <p>I'm sorry though - I know it's hard, and probably hurtful for your DH... I kept telling my DH not to take it personally but it's hard! Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469323 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:25:18 +0000 Foodnerd81 2469323@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh and we are both equally strict, I think, and I'm the one that loses my temper more often (seeing as I never get a break from her...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/mommy-preference-out-of-control#post-2469320 Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:23:26 +0000 Foodnerd81 2469320@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know similar threads have been posted before, but the mommy preference is getting out of control with my 2.5 year old. She's always preferred me, and I stay home so obviously spend way more time with her. It got really bad while I was pregnant and probably wasn't giving her as much attention because I was so tired, and maybe she sensed the change, but did get a little better. </p> <p>Now baby is 2 months old and the toddler doesn't want daddy to do ANYTHING for her. Everything is Mommy do it! Often she will be ok once they are doing whatever it is- like she insists she wants me to give her a bath but once he is doing it she's ok. But she says a lot of things like, daddy don't hug me, or today, no daddy, you can't love me. </p> <p>Right now she is having her biggest tantrum ever in her room. DH went in to try and calm her enough to rest during nap time and it dissolved into screaming and crying and yelling I need my mommy. I could have gone in and soothed her but then I'm just reinforcing that mommy is the one that fixes things. </p> <p>I've tried spending extra one on one time with her whe I can because I know the adjustment to sharing me is hard. DH tries to do special things with her but she makes it really hard. I'm at my wits end with being constantly pulled at in every direction but an infant who physically needs me (breastfeeding) and a toddler who freaks out if her dad tries to do anything for her. </p> <p>Any other suggestions? We tried doing swim lessons as a fun daddy daughter thing and it ended up with me having to get in with her instead because she cried the whole time with him. </p>