https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 09 Jun 2026 15:28:32 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880995 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 15:08:22 +0000 MrsADS 2880995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No suggestions, but agree that Al-anon or nar-anon may be helpful if you can make the time. </p> <p>I won't get into it here, but my family has also dealt with a nightmare addiction/stealing situation and it is absolutely awful to deal with for everyone involved, and there are no easy answers. Hugs to you. The best thing to do is to take care of yourself, however that looks for you. Hugs. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880994 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 15:07:42 +0000 autumnleaves 2880994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry you are going through this. I would have so many mixed emotions with everything that has happened and then with it being Easter. I think you have gotten great advice above. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880984 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 14:23:18 +0000 agold 2880984@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I'm so sorry you are going through this. I, so oddly enough to myself, have three heroin addicts in my life. Well, now only two. The best of the three recently died. Needless to say, I wouldn't go to Easter at your parents house. I'd stay away from your brother and I'd probably keep your kids away. Celebrate Easter with your parents a different day. I hope your brother can "safely" hit rock bottom and recover at some point. But.. unlikely in my experience. [ETA: that sounds harsh. I'm so sorry. I don't know what your brother is doing or any of his situation. Everyone is different.] Best of luck to you all. This is so sad. I'm wishing you the best. This is never fun and I"m so sorry you are so close to it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880966 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:27:22 +0000 Tanjowen 2880966@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Your family sounds like mine, where everyone pretends nothing is wrong even though a lot is going on. We are having a very similar issue with my niece, who my parents have taken in and refuse to do anything to help her or protect themselves from a situation getting worse.</p> <p>I find honesty to be best. I would tell your parents you do not trust your brother, and you don't trust him around your family and you are not comfortable pretending everything is okay. I am very open and honest with my parents and they dislike it, but they still love me and mostly respect my decisions - even if they don't understand them. </p> <p> If you feel bad about skipping out on Easter I would do a meet up in a public place for dessert that afternoon and leave it at that. Family gatherings in the home can be a recipe for disaster sometimes. I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot and going through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880960 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 11:05:38 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2880960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you organize something separate in the morning and invite your parents over so they can see the kids? Like an egg hunt or something short? And then just say, "I'm not ready to see Brother yet, hopefully by next year" or something that makes it clear that you might be ready at some point but that day is not today. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880948 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 10:11:47 +0000 smuckers 2880948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: It might be hard on your parents if you bailed, but it also might be hard on your kids if your brother was on an up or down swing. </p> <p>I think moral of this story is you need to talk to your parents. Tell them why you are considering not going, even if you haven't made a decision yet. They are welcome to have whatever kind of relationship they choose to have with your brother, but they need to respect it if you need space, or if you don't want your kids exposed to someone fresh out of rehab. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880946 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 09:59:43 +0000 Anagram 2880946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Just wanted to say, I sympathize. You are in a really hard spot. I think whatever you decide about dinner--it's okay. You really don't have to go if you don't want to. On the other hand, if you want to go, I would just go and concentrate on hanging out with your parents and not so much on your brother. It's okay to think about your own well being. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880945 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 09:46:36 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2880945@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Both my uncles on separate sides of the family are/were addicts (one is passed away now, which is why I say were) The one who is still alive is manipulative, has mental health issues he refuses to treat, comes around to my grandparents for money, is racist and homophobic. I could go on. He has been mostly estranged from the family, but has been present in the last couple years due to deaths in the family. </p> <p>When my grandpa passed last fall, I knew he would be there for his fathers funeral. I made the hard choice of not attending the private family luncheon/gathering prior to the funeral because he would be there. I refused to bring my children and wife there in his presence and expose them to his volatile, unpredictable nonsense. It might have been fine, it might not have but I decided then and there that I will never be in his presence again. It was upsetting for my mom and grandma but after ultimately explaining my reasoning, they understood. </p> <p>All this to say, I know an uncle is different from a brother who you are close to, but I do not regret my decision. I think the emotions you feel are totally warranted and it might just be too soon to accept what happened and go to a family gathering pretending it’s all fine and good. I think I’m your situation I would talk to your parents about it to minimize any hurt feelings. My mom was upset and hurt but she came around when she realized it wasn’t about her and now that I have my own family, it’s up to me to do what’s best for them and I can make those choices for myself now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880941 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 09:06:37 +0000 kiddosc 2880941@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: My kids are the only grandkids, so it would be really hard on my parents if we bailed. </p> <p>@Ms. RV: @Jess1483: @Madison43: @smuckers: Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am genuinely interested to know how he is doing, but I don't want him to misconstrue my interest as total forgiveness. Like I'm afraid if I'm nice to him he'll just think it's all cool and we can move on. </p> <p>I've looked up Nar-anon meetings in our area and should really attend... but then I'm just angry that I need to devote a day of my week to this issue when I'm already swamped with work and my kid's activities. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880930 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 08:27:32 +0000 smuckers 2880930@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad is a recovering* drug addict who is also diagnosed** with bipolar disorder. I don't have any advice for you about Easter, but I just wanted to say it's ok to be mad. He took advantage of you, of your family. Anyone else would be totally cut off for forever. It's ok to still love him while being mad. It's ok to feel whatever it is you need to feel. He'll get to a point in recovery (if he's not already there) where he'll stress that it (addiction) is a DISEASE and he didn't have control because of his DISEASE. That doesn't mean he's not accountable for his actions, or that you're not allowed to be mad/sad/frustrated/annoyed/devastated/livid/ambivalent because of the shit he pulled. </p> <p>Fair warning: in my limited experience, it's a cycle. For my dad, he generally relapses every 3-5 years. Don't ever, ever loan him money again. Don't ever let him be alone with your kids. </p> <p>*quotations because I'm 75% sure he's using again based on our last conversation<br /> **quotations because he's done so much damage to his brain cells from drugs/addiction that he doesn't remember what is truth or not anymore, so it's hard to believe him when he says he was diagnosed with something X years ago. I'm sure he believes he's bipolar, and I'm sure a doctor once said that word to him, but I'm not sure there is an official diagnosis. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880928 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 08:15:09 +0000 Madison43 2880928@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m afraid I don’t have any advice about the big picture stuff, but as for Easter - it’s one holiday, one dinner. I would totally skip it and not think twice about it if that’s what you need for your mental health. I would explain it to your parents the same way you did here - that you have intense emotions, you’re not cutting him off, you just need some breathing room and would rather not ruin your holiday (and everyone else’s) with your anger. I’m actually remembering now that I’m typing this that I skipped thanksgiving one year because my dad’s drinking was getting out of control and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. My mom was sad but we all lived locally so at the end of the day it was just one dinner and me not being their was probably better for everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880926 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 07:32:01 +0000 Jess1483 2880926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My brother is a recovering addict. He’s been clean for maybe 6 years? I still don’t trust him and would never, for example, leave my kids with him. He’s never apologized to me (though the pain he caused me isn’t quite as tangible as money borrowed, etc, and happened more like 10-15 years ago than the more recent past). My parents treat him like the prodigal son and I get it, but it drives me nuts. I’ll be around him, but I don’t believe anything he says, so I limit myself to short periods of time.<br /> With that said, I’m a firm believer that you get to do what’s right for you and your family. If you don’t want to go to Easter, I’d take @erinbaderin: ‘s advice and tell your parents you aren’t ready for it and you can celebrate with them another time (or have them over for dinner Sunday or whatever does work for your family). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880923 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 07:16:03 +0000 Ms. RV 2880923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My exhusband is an addict and while we were still together and he was trying to come clean, I found Al Anon (which is a support group for loved ones of addicts) very helpful. They don't preach accepting the person for who they are, they say you have to do what is best for you. Probably not enough time for you to go to a meeting before Easter, but if your brother is going to continue to be a part of your life then I recommend trying out one meeting if you are able.</p> <p>But in short, the best advice I can offer is to ask yourself if Easter was the last holiday you would ever see your brother, would you regret not being there? If you would regret not being there, then go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880918 Tue, 16 Apr 2019 04:50:35 +0000 erinbaderin 2880918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It’s one holiday - I might not go. Go back to your parents and say you thought more about it and you aren’t ready to see him - just what you said to us, you know that he has a mental illness but he still betrayed your trust, you’re still hurt and angry, and you don’t feel like he’s adequately apologized, accepted what he’s done, and sought forgiveness, and so you can’t do it this year. Don’t make them pick, just say you’re going to spend Easter with your immediate family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check-pt-2#post-2880914 Mon, 15 Apr 2019 22:30:47 +0000 kiddosc 2880914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So this anonymous thread was mine. <a href="https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check" rel="nofollow">https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/morality-check</a></p> <p>Since then, I loaned more money to my brother, came clean to DH, and my brother admitted to further addiction problems and has been in inpatient rehab for 3 months. </p> <p>The long story is fairly interesting. He continued to tell me he was sick, cried and said that the meds they were giving him weren’t working and that he needed money for new meds and disinfecting materials for his apt. Took him grocery shopping and paid for his groceries. Gave him more money that he claimed he was giving directly to our mom... money I told him I did not have and needed back right away and he promised I would have in a matter of days.... it all culminated with him disappearing for 48 hours. He said he would meet me at our parents house to pay me back and never showed and then didn’t answer his phone for 2 days. He is much more likely to respond with meanness than to ghost, so we were all very concerned. He finally responded and said that he owed a bookie a significant amount of money and that the bookie had shot at his apt. In an effort to hideout he left his phone and couldn’t contact any of us. I was furious that he would gamble when he owed me and our mom money and that he would disappear like that and called him out. He just yelled at me. </p> <p>This prompted my mom and I to come clean to my dad and DH who are much stricter with my brother. DH was disappointed, but since it was my own money he was not overly angry. My Dad reacted by disinviting my brother from Christmas celebrations... after everyone calmed down, it seemed harsh to cut him out of Christmas and he was reinvited. We all did the good midwestern thing and pretended nothing was wrong. Later that night after my family left, my dad caught my brother stealing money from their change jar. </p> <p>Eventually, my brothers friend tricked him into coming clean to my parents. He admitted to drug use and they took him to a detox facility that night. He was released from detox to their home and suffered multiple panic attacks. He bought anti anxiety meds off the street because no doctor would prescribe them with his history. My parents also awoke in the middle of the night to him crawling around in their room, looking for money or valuables I assumed. I didn’t find out about this until much later and questioned why they didn’t kick him out right then and there. </p> <p>He was eventually given an opportunity to enter inpatient treatment paid for by a grant from his detox program. He was diagnosed as bipolar and has begun the process of figuring out a med regiment that works for him. My parents have visited and stay in regular contact but I can’t even ask for updates because my mom speaks so passionately about it and is incapable of separating herself from every step of his recovery. He is still inpatient now. She refuses to attend a support group or go to therapy for herself.</p> <p>I swore that I would not speak to him until he reached the step of recovery where he accepts blame for his actions and sincerely apologizes... I am livid at him. Livid that he took advantage of our parents and manipulated them for a decade while they thought they were helping. (I’m significantly perturbed at them for enabling him for so long as well) Livid that he continued to take money from me right before Christmas even though I told him I did not have the money to lend indefinitely. Livid at myself for falling for it all. Livid that I don’t have any idea what was a lie and what was the truth. Was he ever sick, was there a bookie, did he give any of the money to our mom? </p> <p>The problem comes in that he has been invited to Easter at our parents house. My dad asked me if I was ok with it (after the fact) and I said that I wasn’t thrilled but realize no one else has a problem with it... including DH. I just don’t know how to approach any of this. I am so mad, but not capable of being a bitch to his face. I realize he has a mental illness, but can’t reconcile that all of his actions and lies were out of his control. I don’t want to go, but am incapable of hurting my parents that way. </p> <p>I know this was a novel, but would appreciate any advice on how to get through the day... </p>