https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 26 May 2026 13:26:11 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381362 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 09:37:24 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 2381362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a mom who was at her wits end for the past 2 years with my very "spirited" child, I can confirm that there is an end in site. BUT, it came with about 6 months of going to a child psychologist to figure out what the F do to because we were at a loss and I was tired of having to lose my s*** on her any time I needed her to do something. </p> <p>You've had some good advice, but here's what I've learned.<br /> 1. You and your husband absolutely MUST be on the same page about how to deal with it<br /> 2. Really start using the words "in control" and "out of control" to describe how she's acting. It will help her to identify and give a name to the emotions they have. (ie: "Get in control or you will go in time out" or "You are out of control and need to stay in time out until your get in control")<br /> 3. Nip the behavior in the bud immediately. As soon as she starts doing a behavior that you don't like, put her in time out (or an equivalent) and tell her that she can come out as soon as she's "in control".<br /> 4. Take the emotions out of it (this is the hardest for me!). This is harder to explain, but basically stop trying to negotiate. Be as clear cut as you can. Kids need to know the boundaries and they will become more and more anxious and ... crazy... until they know exactly how far they have to push. If you try to explain why they can't do something, then you're leaving wiggle room. Just say it's not allowed and leave it at that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381333 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 09:13:58 +0000 hilsy85 2381333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: ha yes same here--they said, "Well he has to be oppositional with someone!". I guess I'm glad it's me...? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381332 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 09:13:05 +0000 winniebee 2381332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: yes, same. when i discussed with them some aggression he was having towards his brother or talked about tantrums, not listening....they were FLOORED. but they said it's common for kids to act out in their "safe space." even other parents have said how shy and quiet he is at school. like, what?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381329 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 09:09:31 +0000 hilsy85 2381329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: My LO's teachers say the same thing! I was like, "are we talking about the same kid?!". They said they couldn't imagine him ever throwing a tantrum... :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381318 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:58:34 +0000 winniebee 2381318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my son is very spirited (and it baffles me that his teachers say he's quiet and compliant at school...) so I feel you.</p> <p>It took me listening to Janet Lansbury's whole book - no bad kids - via audible - to really understand the methods. I felt like reading the tips were too abstract. And, hearing her tone, etc, while giving the tips is particularly helpful. I think it's about a 3 hour listen on audible so I listened in the car and while doing chores around the house. That's what really helped me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381311 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:52:47 +0000 Smurfette 2381311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MoonMoon: This reminded me. My DH would do this. She would be thrashing on the floor screaming so he would get down and do it as well. She would look at him like he was crazy, but it helped her stop. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381304 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:46:45 +0000 MoonMoon 2381304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: that's really rough, I'm sorry. :sad: </p> <p>Have you tried a routine leading up to dinner like washing hands or something fun?</p> <p>How about something totally unexpected like flopping on the floor and being silly when she starts up? </p> <p>I hope this passes quickly for you guys. I can commiserate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit/page/2#post-2381290 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:29:54 +0000 Smurfette 2381290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I will say that every meal I make sure there is at least one thing I know she likes. So then if she doesn't eat it then I just let dinner slide. Most nights she gives in and eventually eats it. Sunday night we were at a friend's and she made ravioli for the kids. She wouldn't touch it. Then on the way home, asked for something to eat the whole time. Despite she was already up past dinner time, I did make her a quick something really since it seemed she was starving. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381289 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:29:13 +0000 hilsy85 2381289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: ha I guess it's a choice but it's one where I am fine with either answer, not one where there is something for him to say no to--if he says no, I will just do it for him. At least getting dressed is something I CAN force, unlike eating or using the potty... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381288 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:25:55 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2381288@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Is there a chance you're already waiting too long for dinner? Can you try giving a healthy snack before dinner (slice of cheese, frozen veggies, etc) just to keep blood sugar levels normal until the real dinner? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381286 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:25:11 +0000 JoJoGirl 2381286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: Hmmmmmm fascinating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381285 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:24:15 +0000 Smurfette 2381285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: When R says that she doesn't want dinner, I just say fine. Then if she asks for a snack, I say your dinner is still on the table. Some nights she goes to bed hungry. I will give her milk to drink those nights but otherwise she gets water with dinner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381278 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:06:33 +0000 JoJoGirl 2381278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MoonMoon: We had this issue AGAIN last night. Kicking and screaming saying she didn't want dinner. I thought about not forcing it, but i feel like she'd meltdown more when hungry! Then if she's too worked up, she can't eat. It seems totally hopeless. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381271 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 08:01:24 +0000 MoonMoon 2381271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You aren't alone! 2.5 is a crazy age!</p> <p>I would say definitely don't give her a choice about non-negotiable things like dinner. Just say in a calm and firm voice, we're having dinner! You can say it a couple of times as the time approaches. I think too much choice overwhelms them. You can make sure she feels like she's getting choices in other areas like what toys to play with, what socks she's wearing, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2381220 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 05:14:25 +0000 gracecat 2381220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Wow that is one heck of a doula. Isn't it crazy how they know these things? Our doula was spot on too about our DD's future personality when DD was just a newborn as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380642 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:26:06 +0000 wonderstruck 2380642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I've heard that too, but I'm desperate and so far it hasn't created any issues. Hope it helps! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380467 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:56:03 +0000 JoJoGirl 2380467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaG: We should try that. We've never done a sticker chart or rewards system. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380466 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:55:44 +0000 JoJoGirl 2380466@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: That sounds like us. I'll try her bedroom next time - I've read not to put them there when they misbehave as they'll associate their bed with punishment. But she may be beyond that now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380370 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:07:21 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2380370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: re: getting dressed, I consider that a choice! Lol I also consider whether you want to sit in your room or eat dinner a choice. Maybe not a pleasant choice but it's not like she gets to run around wild. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380366 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:06:18 +0000 wonderstruck 2380366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 2.5 year old is totally like this. I cannot even believe how upset a 2 year old can make me! I have started just dumping him in his room when he acts like this. I don't even bother calling it a time out, I just carry him in there (while he flails and screams and fights me), dump him on his bed, and tell him he can come out when he's ready to be nice. If he comes out still mad, back in he goes. When he comes out acting nicely I give him a hug, he says sorry, and later we talk about things he can do when he's mad besides screaming/hitting/fits/whatever. But in the moment, putting him in the room is the best way to be sure I keep my emotions in check. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380354 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:01:09 +0000 MamaG 2380354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I second "Hands are not for hitting" and "Feet are not for Kicking". We have those books as well. LO is now 4 but some of these issues still get us. </p> <p>There are certain things that distract her. For mealtimes, when you give the warning, can you also give her an age appropriate chore? We use a lot of paper plates in our house because LO can put those on the table. She can put our plastic cups out. She can put napkins out. She likes to feel like she's helping and contributing. It smooths our transition. </p> <p>For safety things, she loves the police but also has a healthy fear. If I can't talk her out of a safety situation, I ask her if she'd like me to have the police visit our house so they can explain to her why she's being unsafe. That will usually curb the behavior and she immediately starts looking for them.</p> <p>Reward charts were big for us at 2.5. Pick a situation (mealtime) and give her a sticker when she doesn't tantrum. We let our girl pick her reward for getting 10 stickers. She wanted ice cream. And we took a trip to the local fro yo place when she earned it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380302 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 12:38:43 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2380302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: Agree. It was my mom (ok I'm an adult and can admit my mom was right) that we were simply giving her too many choices and overwhelming her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380282 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 12:29:36 +0000 BeachMama 2380282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you're going through this. I have definitely been there with my strong willed girl too. What I have found works for us (at least for now) is to initially let her tantrum in her room for a few minutes until she gets some of it out of her system. Then I go into her room and sit on the floor. I'll ask her if she wants me to stay or go and she'll usually say (through tears) "stay." Then I try to talk in a calm voice and tell her I can see she's upset about whatever it is. I tell her I love her very much, and sometimes I list out everyone else who loves her (daddy, grandma, grandpa, etc). This seems to help her calm down. Eventually she usually comes to sit with me and we hug and talk about it.</p> <p>I've found that time outs during the tantrum don't really help because I think deep down she needs reassurance from us that we still love her. </p> <p>Hang in there, it will get better. At 3.5 the mega-tantrums are much fewer these days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380236 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 12:13:45 +0000 looch 2380236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: This is my son as well, although, I think our payoff will be later...my MIL always says that I won't have to worry about my son being swayed by a group because he is so opinionated.</p> <p>@JoJoGirl: Hang in there. I think it's a difficult time, especially when you get the call from the teacher about hitting. It's not like we're modeling this behaviour at home, so I feel extra horrid and worry about what everyone is thinking about my family! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380230 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 12:10:41 +0000 coopsmama 2380230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: Yes! This. </p> <p>I have nannied for a family of 7 kids, a family of 3 toddlers, and now have two toddlers of my own and there is no reason to give toddlers a choice about when they are eating or what they are doing (unless the choice is like "would you like to play ball or blocks" and even then sometimes the choice is just too hard for them to make without a tantrum!!). Life is overwhelming for toddlers. They need consistent direction and they need consequences when they refuse to comply to an authority's request.</p> <p>My son is also very bright, independent and take charge and unfortunately it requires staying ahead of him and disciplining (that sounds harsh - but I really mean it as loss of privileges, sitting in room, etc.) and within a few consequences he is a much happier, kinder kid. When I don't stay on top of him I hate my life because he can make it miserable. That's the hard part - being consistent! But I need to be because without that I have a toddler who throws epic tantrums and with consistency we have little blips now and again that are manageable and quite typical.</p> <p>I know people say the big, screaming, lasts up to an hour tantrums are typical but I actually don't buy that. I would say that's only typical when a toddler's behavior goes unmanaged for too long. They crave boundaries and knowing what is going on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380202 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:56:03 +0000 JoJoGirl 2380202@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: Thanks so much. A post-partum doula warned us when she was 6 *weeks* old that we'd have this issue with her around now (she was already very opinionated - only slept a certain way, only ate a certain way, was only soothed a certain way). Said "this is a trait that makes GREAT women and AWFUL babies/toddlers". Waiting for the payoff :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380198 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:54:15 +0000 Autumnmama79 2380198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to chime in and say, hang in there. DD is 6 now, but when I think back to the age of your DD, I literally shudder. Mine was equally as nightmarish and in our case it was a major push on her part for independence and testing her (and our) boundaries and limitations. </p> <p>The upswing? She's now a super independent girl and I LOVE it. Going through those tough times as a mum certainly made me stronger not only in my role and ability as a mum, but also in my unwavering commitment to her. It a TOUGH job. </p> <p>Heres to hoping she passes through this stage sooner rather than later! :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380168 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:37:01 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2380168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: Around that age we had to stop the choices. You need to do XYZ or there will be a consequence. Your choice is eat now and be happy or cry and scream alone in your room while we eat. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380161 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:32:18 +0000 JoJoGirl 2380161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: Right? I mean that's ONE example. She also threw a tantrum yesterday because I wouldn't let her do something dangerous (trying to crawl on the couch over the edge). She throws them when it's time to leave the house to go somewhere. She often throws them because she wants her lovey and paci from her room, which we have ALWAYS limited to naps and bedtime. Just about not getting her way with anything :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-25-year-old-has-broken-my-spirit#post-2380160 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:30:45 +0000 hilsy85 2380160@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: ah gotcha. Well if she is clearly hungry but won't eat (and the hunger is causing the tantrum)--we've had success with offering one or two "special" snacks alongside dinner--like he loves crackers but those are clearly not dinner, but if I put some on a plate next to actual dinner, he sometimes ends up eating his actual dinner as well. Worked last night anyway! But that is one of the most frustrating things--you're effing hungry, just eat!! </p>