https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 06:36:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895207 Wed, 21 Aug 2019 18:30:48 +0000 erinbaderin 2895207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: That’s ludicrous. He’s a grown man who has lived with children for exactly as long as you have. He doesn’t get to just throw up his hands and say “you shouldn’t have left me alone with them if you didn’t want them to destroy the house.” I would have been furious. I’m actually a little furious anyway. Parenting is your job while he’s at work. It’s both of your jobs the rest of the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895186 Wed, 21 Aug 2019 15:38:14 +0000 periwinklebee 2895186@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know there's a gray zone - when my husband is parenting he won't do it exactly like I will, the house will probably be more of a mess at the end, etc. But I think there can also be a happy medium between being the mom who criticizes every detail of what your partner does versus having to accept that anything can happen and he can't do better than that. Perhaps creating some important ground rules that you expect to be enforced all the time, regardless of who's parenting, and discuss together what the response should be if the children break them... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895169 Wed, 21 Aug 2019 13:19:09 +0000 psw27 2895169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: :heart: I'm sorry about all of this. Sounds like you have a few good plans in place to deal with some of it. I think at some point soon you should talk with DH more about his "I'm solo parenting so whatever happens happens" attitude. Being a SAHM doesn't mean he can be incapable of handling the kids and it's a really poor excuse for how he handled the situation. But I think you know that deep down. Maybe ask him if that behavior would be acceptable from a babysitter? Likely no. And the expectation should be higher from a parent. I hope your dress can be repaired! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895153 Wed, 21 Aug 2019 12:02:39 +0000 PawPrints 2895153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree your husband is way out of line. He needs to understand that the bar for his parenting is much higher than he thinks it is. He is absolutely required to stay on top of the kids and be in control when he's with the kids. Even when both you and he are home, he still should have at least an equal share of responsibility for what the kids are getting into. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895107 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 22:50:54 +0000 crazydoglady 2895107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meganmp: I was just about to say the same thing!</p> <p>I think it's a huge cop-out for him to say all bets are off. Would he say the same off you? Like it's ok for the kids to get into his stuff if you are watching them alone? I do think some things are permissible when watching the kids solo: more screentime, maybe not the most nutritious dinner etc but not this. And on top of that, not doing anything to fix it or try to remedy the situation is a big deal. If I absentmindedly let my kids play in my husband's office and they messed things up, I would be doing everything in my power to fix it.<br /> I'm sorry, I am not trying to rag on your husband, but I think he is way out of line. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895105 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 22:38:57 +0000 meganmp 2895105@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I read this to my husband, and he said, "OK, no. Would he just let it go if the kids got in and ruined something of his while she was home alone with them and she said, 'Sorry, all bets are off when I'm home alone with the kids?' I think not. All bets are not off when you are with the kids, all bets are ON."</p> <p>Just wanted to share some male perspective. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895104 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 22:22:39 +0000 bhbee 2895104@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: I sympathize because my dh also doesn’t have that much “practice” - I sah and he works all the time. I think you are right on with the expectations. I try to decide the top important things I want him to do (or not do) with them and be clear about it. I’m not saying it always works but at least then we all know and I wasn’t asking him to read my mind. But yeah ... I’m halfway into about 10 days solo and it crosses my mind how little of this he could handle if it were reversed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895103 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 21:39:24 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2895103@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: sounds like your husband needs more practice watching the kids solo if he is having that hard a time with it! Perhaps he could take them to the park on the weekends for an outing? It might be easier for him to watch them out of the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895102 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 21:21:53 +0000 Hypatia 2895102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks, guys. I’ve ordered those child locks! I’ll try taking the dress to a dry cleaner to see what can be done.</p> <p>I talked to my five year old, and she was contrite. I used the analogy of her toddler sister getting into her room and messing up her dolls, and that seemed to make her realize why it was wrong. </p> <p>My DH...I don’t know. He sympathized with me about the dress, but he basically said all bets are off if he’s watching the kids alone. He said he didn’t tell me about it because he was so frazzled that he forgot. I am not sure how to handle his reaction. On the one hand, I definitely understand there are times when you are just in survival mode. But it seems like he takes that attitude almost all the time he takes care of them solo. I don’t know how to explain to him how stressful it is knowing that when I leave, I am going to come back to a house that’s a total mess and everything out of control. I think it’s a little unbalanced by me being a SAHM. He doesn’t spend a lot of time practicing being a solo parent. And there’s an undertone of, well, this parenting thing is my job, not his (which I agree with in some ways, but working doesn’t absolve you of being a parent). Then again, if all I do is criticize the way he parents when I’m not there, that doesn’t help. It’s a tricky situation. </p> <p>Sorry for rambling. I think I’m going to use the child locks, set some clear expectations when I leave, and focus on self-care in the meantime. If I didn’t feel so “used up,” this stuff probably wouldn’t bother me so much. I think I’m going to start setting my alarm an hour before the kids wake up so I can just have some time to myself everyday. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895066 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 13:09:20 +0000 LadyDi 2895066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You definitely have a right to be upset, both with your kids and your husband. We sacrifice a lot for our children but we don't have to (nor should we) sacrifice everything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895061 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 12:57:59 +0000 Mama Bird 2895061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, I'm sorry. This is so upsetting. I agree with everyone who suggests locks, or maybe a locking container. And your husband may have been overwhelmed watching the kids alone (how often does he do it?), but he should have told you right away so you could do damage control. And your older LO also needs a talking to. I don't think it makes you a bad wife or mom to have personal things and feelings. And five is old enough to begin to understand that. I think kids can totally understand the idea of "favorite toys you don't want to share" anyway, it just doesn't always occur to them that parents can be attached to something too.</p> <p>And yeah, the property damage from kids is unreal. I've lost most of my art supplies, several favorite necklaces, and way too many clothes. Just this month, the baby somehow ripped two dresses, knocked a stone out of a necklace, and pulled a dangly thing off my bathing suit. I was going to sew the dangly back on, but it was promptly claimed by the four year old as some kind of consolation prize for being "made" to go swimming. I'm glad I've managed to convince the older two that our bedroom closet is off limits including what's left of my art supplies... I'd be pretty miserable if they took that too, even though it's only stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895047 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 11:28:27 +0000 Tionn3 2895047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is super frustrating and I can understand that feeling of " I have nothing to myself". I have a husband who does not respect my things ( used to borrow my jackets, take my phone charger and lose it, take my camera without asking...etc.). I had to have several conversations with him about how disrespectful it was. He kinda gets it now... and I insisted on buying him proper jackets so he doesn't use mine, but I digress. </p> <p>Now that I have a 1.5 year old I've been taking preventative measures to protect my things. My wedding dress is actually in my son's room in a closet with a sliding door, but I have installed child safety locks on the doors high up so he can't get in (sometimes I can't get in haha). I store things that are important to me up high and away from my kid. I fully intend on putting a door knob cover or a lock on my bedroom door in the future. </p> <p>I would install a lock of some sort on your closet door. Talk to you husband about what happened and why it upset you. I would then sit down with the 4 year old (both you and your husband) and lay down some boundaries about your bedroom and closet. Enforce those boundaries, and if you have to, put a lock on your bedroom door (even if it's a simple hook and eye lock up high out of reach. </p> <p>Don't feel guilty about this at all. You're the parent, you get to set the boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895031 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 09:27:52 +0000 graceandjoy 2895031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry! Totally feel you on the resentment; I def think a follow up convo is warranted that you were disappointed why he LET them in there....</p> <p>And I'd let your 5 year old know too, that you were really sad about what she did to the closet/dress. </p> <p>I'd be so furious that 1) DH did not stop them or at least supervise if they wanted to look in there 2) Nobody fessed up (like okay, once DH realized what had happened, he should have made the kids tell you first thing when you got home, and EVERYONE needed to apologize)</p> <p>This does not make you any less of a wife/mother! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895027 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 08:38:05 +0000 Shantuck 2895027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you could bring it to the dry cleaners and see if they could press it and get it back into shape? As long as the dress wasn't stained or ripped, I'd bet a good dry cleaners could get the dress back to looking nice again. Also, maybe once you have it repaired, you could install a closet lock or find another way to keep it safe (not that you should have to!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2895019 Tue, 20 Aug 2019 07:33:21 +0000 peachykeen 2895019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel you on all of this - especially the hubby not dealing with things. You are valid in your feelings and should let yourself feel them, have a chat with hubby about how you're feeling, and then come up with a plan together for how to handle things like this in the future. And put one of these child locks on your closet - we have one high up on our basement door even though there is a lock on it because the girls can unlock it:</p> <p><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Xtraguard-Action-Multi-Latches/dp/B007A2ZSZ8/ref=sr_1_7?keywords=child+lock&#038;qid=1566304245&#038;s=gateway&#038;sr=8-7" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Xtraguard-Action-Multi-Latches/dp/B007A2ZSZ8/ref=sr_1_7?keywords=child+lock&#038;qid=1566304245&#038;s=gateway&#038;sr=8-7</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2894992 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 19:15:12 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2894992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband needs to hear this and your five year old needs to understand some consequences. Can you put a lock on the door of that room and only you are allowed in? You deserve some space. </p> <p>Weeks ago?!?!!!! How could he not have dealt with it?!?</p> <p>Do not think for a second that you are a lesser spouse or mom because this very hurtful thing happened! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2894990 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 18:50:10 +0000 crazydoglady 2894990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: I'm so sorry!! Please don't should on yourself, you are allowed to be disappointed and frustrated. Can you possibly have a locked closet for some of your valuables/things you dont want the kids to get into? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2894989 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 18:48:56 +0000 bhbee 2894989@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww don’t feel that way. Sadly I think this kind of resentment is very normal in families, whatever direction it may go. I resent DH for this kind of stuff for sure. </p> <p>I mean if the rule is they can’t go in there, then your husband deserves a conversation about why he let that go and why this stuff isn’t acceptable, and the older kid should have a conversation about why they broke the rules, how it made you feel and what they can do to make it better. Or something to that tune. I’d be mad as hell for sure. Maybe a family meeting about limits everyone needs to respect and then you can have places for your private stuff? And consequences if the rules are broken. </p> <p>All easier said than done I know. I’m so sorry it all happened but don’t blame yourself for your feelings :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-kids-ruined-my-wedding-dress#post-2894988 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 18:37:17 +0000 Hypatia 2894988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a spare closet in our master bedroom that we only use to store baby clothes inside plastic bins, baby equipment, and my wedding dress (in one of those plastic hanging protective covers). I hardly go in there, for obvious reasons. The kids aren’t allowed to play in our room unsupervised, and they’ve been told many times that they are not to go into this closet. </p> <p>I went in today to put away some clothes that had been outgrown, and it was a shit show. It looked like a tornado had come through it. Underneath all the heavy duty plastic bins filled with clothes, I found my crumpled up wedding dress. </p> <p>I had to text my husband downstairs that he needed to take care of the kids for a few minutes because I needed some time alone. I am not normally sentimental about stuff like this, but I couldn’t help crying. The bust is completely flattened and it’s just a mess. </p> <p>When I pulled myself together, I came downstairs and told my husband, in private, what I’d found. At one point I said, when did they even do it? It’s not the kind of mess you make in five minutes—they had to have been in there for a while. He said, “Oh. They got in there while you were at the doctor a few weeks ago. I don’t know how long they were in there for.”</p> <p>So now I’m secretly resentful of everyone in my house. My five year old for doing something she absolutely knew she shouldn’t have done. My husband for letting them do that, discovering the mess, and doing absolutely nothing to clean it up or even tell me about it. I guess my two year old gets a pass. </p> <p>I don’t know if it’s even about the dress. I just feel like I can have nothing to myself. Everything gets “borrowed” or broken or trampled on. My journal gets torn up, my book gets scribbled in, my favorite shoes are stolen and found mangled under the couch. Sometimes we joke, “This is why we can’t have nice things,” but it feels a lot more true for me than my DH. If I had been watching the kids and I saw they’d gotten into his things, it would have gone very differently. At the same time, I feel guilty for being so resentful. I keep thinking that a better wife and mother wouldn’t let this stuff bother her. :bummed: </p>