https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 18 Jun 2026 07:53:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564917 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 22:06:35 +0000 Bernieboo 2564917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just wanted to add that the author of Quiet now has a podcast about raising introverted kids! It's great! Available on iTunes and wherever you podcast. I'm pregnant with our first, so no helpful tips, but my husband and I are both very introverted. He was called shy a lot as a kid and I think it was pretty frustrating and upsetting to him. That's not the way he sees himself at all. Parents should understand that all personality types are good! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564871 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 20:45:36 +0000 gingerbebe 2564871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: I'm an introvert and I see a HUGE problem in school and work settings these days that really push extroversion as a measure of being successful. Sure, you should practice and learn skills like working in teams, public speaking, etc. but not EVERYONE is some super social butterfly who loves networking and team meetings and corporate bonding events. And introverts have lots of incredible skills that can and should be taken advantage of. Yes, I need an office, a shut door, and the ability to buckle down and do my work in peace, but if I have those things, I'm also going to be the nicest, most pleasant coworker you know. </p> <p>Because of that, I am hyper aware of my introvert son's inclinations and I really try not to push him into "extroverted" activities without good reason. Sure, I pushed him into daycare and church nursery on Sundays and he was upset about it and it took some adjustment, but daycare and preschool is just something he needs to deal with, and so is church. However, I'm not going to force him to play with people at the playground if he doesn't feel like it. And most days he wants to wander the park and collect rocks and watch other kids from afar. Fine. Who cares if he wants to play with those kids or not?</p> <p>He's sociable and polite and his daycare providers say he's very nice to all the other kids and very happy BUT they agree he's introverted, needs to warm up to people, doesn't like to be touched without permission, etc. And they respect that. </p> <p>I think trying to force your kid to be something they're not is going to be really hard on them in the long run. Sure, as parents we should push them when necessary, but none of the things your husband has described sounds problematic. Like, once she starts school she will HAVE to interact with other children whether she wants to or not, there's no reason to force her to do something at 19 freaking months that she is uncomfortable with. Its more important at this age to get your kid to be confident and secure in who they are and THEN you can work on things that might hold them back later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564860 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 20:23:49 +0000 Cole 2564860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. High Heels: thank you! That means a lot to me.<br /> Both blog posts are great reads, yours in particular I think will be helpful for my husband to read and I'm going to send him the link. I really like your suggestions about if you don't ask you don't get and the need for hi, bye and thank you. Manners are really important to me and I do struggle with the shyness in relation to that so we will keep working on those things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564854 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 20:18:02 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2564854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: She is so lucky to have a mom who really gets her, and can relate. :) I think most want the best for our children, and sometimes it's scary to wonder if they'll adjust ok in this society. Will they make friends, will they be liked, will they struggle the way I've struggled...? Lots of unknowns, but all we can do is keep at it with our very best! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564849 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 20:12:15 +0000 Cole 2564849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. High Heels: Thank you so much! I still need to go back and read the posts you linked to buy that was super helpful. What you wrote in the second post barely resonates with me at all- but in an eye opening way. I think it's exactly how my husband feels but because I'm so shy too I simply don't see it that way. I don't mind her not getting excited in the moment because I know she'll talk about it for days or weeks and will get excited when I tell her we're going back. I can handle the extra clinginess because I have been in her shoes where I just needed extra reassurance. The different wiring in different people's brains is fascinating to me! </p> <p>We have seen her change over time already and I know we will continue to see growth but I know it's really hard sometimes to have her be so reserved. I do really like heading stories of other kids finding their own comfort zone over time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564834 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 20:00:59 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2564834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: here's a little more detail on how I felt at the time even though I am an introvert myself... I wonder if your DH could relate in some ways.</p> <p>"Parenting a sensitive, introverted child in a world that embraces the opposite definitely comes with its challenges. For the first two years, it was more exhausting going out with her than staying in. Even playdates were tough because instead of being curious at meeting new people and experiencing a new environment, she would cling desperately to me… as if afraid I’d suddenly leave her. If we were just hanging out at home though, she was great about playing independently. It was easy to drown in the cycle of, “Let’s just stay home because it’s easier.” I saw friends who could easily drop their kids off at a gym daycare, or have any random person babysit, and I’d think, “Wow, that must be nice.”</p> <p>It was also tempting to get caught up in the comparison game and wonder, “Why can’t she be more like that?” or “Why can’t she be carefree like other kids.” I often found myself crying at the end of yet another long day because we tried to expose Noelle to an event we thought might be fun, only for her to stand on the sidelines without any desire or interest in participating. The disappointment was real. Sometimes I wondered what I was doing wrong. I constantly had to check myself when those types of feelings crept into my psyche. Nothing was wrong with her, or me. My daughter is just wired differently. We’re socialized to think that it’s better to be outgoing, charming, and carefree. The children who get the most attention are the ones who can really ham it up, but introverted children have so much to offer too.</p> <p>I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care what people thought. I see the looks people give when she retreats into her shell in a very obvious way. Inside, my heart shatters, and I long for them to experience her the way I’ve experienced her. For friends to look beyond her initial quiet and hesitation, and embrace the girl I know. These experiences have made a direct impact on certain friendships – I’ve become increasingly grateful to some, who love and pursue my daughter relentlessly, and held back with others… who don’t really give her a chance." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564831 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:52:12 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2564831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter was extremely shy when she was an infant/toddler. She rarely smiled, getting her to say hi/bye was like pulling teeth... people would try to get close to her and play with her and she would cry and cling onto me even more. It was hard...</p> <p>I wrote a post about this... <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/2014/10/30/raising-an-introverted-child-in-an-extroverted-world/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/2014/10/30/raising-an-introverted-child-in-an-extroverted-world/</a></p> <p>There's another great post by Kristin that I really enjoyed reading - <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/2013/07/26/my-introverted-child/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/2013/07/26/my-introverted-child/</a></p> <p>My daughter really blossomed though sometime between the years of 2 and 3, and has come out of her shell more and more as she's grown (she's 5 now). It took time, patience, gentle encouragement, and continued exposure to social settings. Maybe it was just a natural progression of age and maturity too without anything we did. </p> <p>People always comment on how different she is from when she was a baby. She still prefers to play in smaller group settings, get to know friends on a 1:1 basis, but is also not afraid to run up to a random kid on the playground and ask them to play with her, ask adults questions she wants answers to, etc.</p> <p>Eta: Aw that's good your DH apologized! There have been times when I acted that way after a playdate or outing with my child too. Like we would take her somewhere fun and exciting (petting zoo! theme park with friends!)... and she would just cling to me, not get excited about anything, and shy away from everyone... and it would get me down. There have been times when I questioned my parenting over it, if I wondered how I could've done things differently, etc. In the end, I'd always come around - we can't help how we feel sometimes, but we can control our responses to those feelings... so I can definitely relate to your husband! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564801 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:33:02 +0000 Cole 2564801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>After I got her to sleep he apologized. He was being grumpy and looked it up since I kept telling him he needed to come up with a solution if he thought there was one. The internet is definitely on my side on this particular issue and he was thankfully able to acknowledge that. I'm sure we will need to revisit this in the future and I am still going to order Quiet for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564791 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:27:10 +0000 MrsSCB 2564791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>On the other side, I was extremely outgoing as a small child (like going up to older kids on the playground and saying, "hi! Will you be my friend?") As an adult I'd say I'm friendly but still more introverted than extroverted. So I don't think shyness at her age necessarily dictates the future. Not that there is anything wrong with being shy anyway! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564781 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:11:26 +0000 Truth Bombs 2564781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>At 19 months I really don't think there's much that can or should be done. Just continue to expose her to new people/situations and encourage her to engage without forcing her. If she's still painfully shy closer to 3 I would consider part time preschool so she learns how to handle herself without a parent right there, but you're a ways from that. Better the introverted child than the mean kid right? 😀 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564776 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:09:30 +0000 catomd00 2564776@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>She's 19 months I hardly think anything should be considered problematic. I'd do some research on the topic and share with DH. There's nothing wrong with being shy. As a shy person myself, people tying to force me not to be did more harm than good and made me feel there was something flawed about me. It would have done a world of good if people just pointed out the pros of being shy and accepted me as I was. That's just my personal experience, but I have read a few articles about the topic that agree. There's nothing wrong with encouraging her to be more outgoing, but I think it needs to be done the right way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564771 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:06:27 +0000 Cole 2564771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you ladies, I wasn't even sure where I was going with that rant. I am so sad that he sees her nature as a fault, and she's still so little! She has such a long time to grow still. </p> <p>@gotkimchi: I can see daughter getting less reserved over time, it's nice to know that she might not always be painfully shy.<br /> @sorrycharlie: I think this is actually the reason I dreaded having a shy child - I knew husband wouldn't get it at all. We will keep trying.<br /> @runnerd: I was trying to think of that book, I wanted to read it anyway, maybe I can convince him to read it too. Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564765 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 19:01:02 +0000 runnerd 2564765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I was very shy as a child, and still get social anxiety now. So I swore to myself I would never make my child feel like shyness was something to be ashamed of - of course I then created the most outgoing child I have ever met, so it's a non-issue for him, but makes me be way more social than I want!!!</p> <p>Don't feel guilty! Just be patient with her, and maybe you can help your husband do the same. Not exactly the same - but a good book on introverts is Quiet... might give your husband some perspective on different personality type? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564760 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 18:56:43 +0000 sorrycharlie 2564760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Every kid is different - my oldest is anxious by nature (so am I!). My husband is not. He does not understand it at all! </p> <p>She's almost 4 and he's really still struggling. He will react to her how he thinks the situation should go, not with what works best for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564757 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 18:52:14 +0000 gotkimchi 2564757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I will say my lo totally outgrew this and she turned 2 in February. She gets more outgoing everyday. I would just keep doing what you're doing and not push anything. I think forcing it will make things woese </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-outgoing-dh-thinks-our-daughters-shyness-is-a-problem#post-2564750 Thu, 09 Jun 2016 18:46:11 +0000 Cole 2564750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so frustrated right now, my husband came home from an evening out with our 19 month old and was in an awful mood because she's "too shy" and in his eyes it's becoming problematic. </p> <p>At the playground she got scared when an older child climbed up the stairs after her and she jumped to him and knocked into the other child. Then at her music class she didn't want to leave his lap and apparently everyone assumed she was younger than the other kids. </p> <p>I stay home with her and I am very shy, and during some phases of life it has been to the point of social anxiety. I think he believes her shyness to be my fault even though he's smart enough not to come out and say it. He keeps saying "we have to work on it" but refuses to offer a suggestion. </p> <p>I'm so sad and frustrated. I pour my heart and soul into raising her, I research and do as much "right" as humanly possible. We take classes, go to parks and story time, we belong to a play group and a moms club, we see other kids her age nearly every day. I don't know what else could be done... </p>