https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 23:33:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2601135 Tue, 09 Aug 2016 12:27:01 +0000 Boogs 2601135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: We are the same as you two, so I really appreciate your advice! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2601120 Tue, 09 Aug 2016 12:02:27 +0000 snowjewelz 2601120@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, me too majorly. I hate conflict and I am super non-confrontational. I think the only saving grace is there is not much conflict within our families.. But between DH &amp; I, I def tend to keep things in too and let it fester and build bitterness/resentment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2601080 Tue, 09 Aug 2016 11:01:44 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2601080@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If a counter opinion helps - my husband is exactly like you, so I've been trying to figure out for 13 years how to live and navigate life with someone who will literally hide in the corner if there's even a scent of conflict in the air. I'm on the opposite end - I charge toward conflict in order to resolve it ASAP, which isn't a good way to be either. What I've learned from all this on your issue in particular (I'm working hard on my fight-fight-fight model too LOL):</p> <p>1) Avoiding conflict never makes it go away. Ever. In fact, it usually makes it worse. I have countless examples of this but to give you one, my husband paid for bus tickets for his parents to go visit his mom's family. He didn't tell me, because he didn't want me to get mad about him spending money outside our budget (he's a terrible spender so I keep tight reins on our finances). Of course, because I manage all our money, I found out anyway, and I was more pissed off about him not telling me then I was about the money. If he had said look, I know this isn't in our budget but I really want to help them out, everything would have been fine. But because he "avoided" the conflict and basically lied, it only escalated into a larger problem. </p> <p>2) Conflict avoidance doesn't actually avoid anything, because even if it doesn't escalate, the resentment builds anyway and ends up being an issue. My husband doesn't ever tell me that I'm doing something that's bothering him. Instead he holds on to it, and then a few weeks later it'll blow up all over me about something innocent and unrelated to what is actually bothering him. </p> <p>3) If you handle conflict properly, it actually leads to people respecting you more than they do when you try to be overly polite and non-confrontational. I have my fair share of flying off the handle, but when I stood up to my mother in law over her demands about hosting a baby shower for me (which I categorically didn't want for various reasons and my husband would never ever tell her that I didn't want it), it actually created a dynamic that she now asks for my opinion and feedback about family events and things that involve my daughter rather than assuming that we'll just along with whatever she planned. </p> <p>I'm a pretty big introvert and I don't like to fight or rock the boat either, but I hate the way I feel if I sit on bad feelings, so for me it's easier to have that "crucial conversation" (which is actually a book that I highly recommend you read) rather than bottle things up. I consider myself pretty considerate and very open minded, so I'm very flexible and open to other ideas, but if something is bothering me, I really try to be open about it, because the outcome is always worse. </p> <p>Someone made an analogy for me once that when you fight openly, it's like coming at someone with a knife. They see you, they know you have a knife, everyone is aware of what's happening. Passive aggressiveness is someone standing behind you, shoving a knife in your back, while telling you how wonderful everything is. I keep that in mind whenever something is bothering me, because I never want to be that second person. </p> <p>Good luck, glad you're getting some help! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2601077 Tue, 09 Aug 2016 10:56:51 +0000 magnoliamama42 2601077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: Okay, so I read the article you linked and then looked up "gunnysacking". And HOLY CRAP, THIS IS ME AND MY HUSBAND. And it is definitely a cycle. It's infuriating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2601071 Tue, 09 Aug 2016 10:45:58 +0000 magnoliamama42 2601071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee and @brownepiano: For your issue with talking to doctors, you are not alone! My sister works with cancer patients, and after each doctor visit, they have a social worker come in to the room and talk to the patients for this very reason. Every single time, the patients have a ton of questions and requests for the social worker, that they never mentioned to the doctor.</p> <p>Both my husband and I are going through this right now, and we're definitely in a funk. It's like we feed off of each other's passive aggressiveness. It feels like we're both angry a lot. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600798 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 18:36:18 +0000 BSB 2600798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@IRunForFun: Yeah, that's what the therapist says. The first time I do it, it won't go as well but the more I do it, it will become more and more easy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600797 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 18:34:36 +0000 IRunForFun 2600797@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had to do a lot of counseling for DH to learn to express things as he felt them rather than holding them in until he pretty much exploded. He had to learn it was better in the long run to just be upfront and honest. I can say though that since he's gotten better about it certain aspects of his life and certainly our relationship have improved by leaps and bounds. Plus, while I wouldn't say his relationship with his family has improved, per se, he's better at handling them and setting boundaries.</p> <p>I think it's important to just keep practicing communication even if you feel like it'll cause conflict. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600793 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 18:28:18 +0000 Maysprout 2600793@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I've been working on it for years, it's something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I'm trying to decrease some clutter in my house right now sine we have a third baby coming soon, which means getting rid of some items our parents have given us. I've hung onto these things for years (these are not sentimental things at all) and moved several times with them to avoid conflict but we just need the space now with a third coming. So it's not easy but I just keep going through the mantra that it's what's best for our family and if it upsets them that we were done with a hand me down gift that's on them not me (and I know they'll get upset bc I've put things away before and they've been asked about) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600779 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 18:05:22 +0000 BSB 2600779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: Ok. Glad you are so assertive as you've gotten older. Good for you. Honestly, it was eye opening to me hearing from the therapist and clicking on the first link how much of a problem it could be. I didn't think it was bad until today. Funny how psychology works. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600775 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:56:18 +0000 Maysprout 2600775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used to try to state my thoughts and opinions in a sort of demure or really friendly way. But jeesh as I've gotten older I just care less and less and just don't have the mental space or energy for mind games. I donno, i just figure nowadays that a life skill is to be able to handle that not everyone has the same thoughts and opinions. And it's not my job to coach an adult through that or assume they don't have that skill. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600761 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:36:45 +0000 BSB 2600761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@brownepiano: Oh, yeah, I think everyone, even doctors, knows that when it comes to parenting, you do what works. You try to follow books, blogs, doctor's advice in the beginning. But I almost always agree with my dr. If I was disagreeing with everything she said, I would look into switching. I know not all doctors give the same advice so I understand shopping around and finding one you like and agree with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600760 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:36:10 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2600760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used to struggle with this so much. It has a lot to do with my childhood. I know yours was similar to mine... I'm finally able to voice how I feel to DH instead of keeping things inside. Even though I'm able to talk my instinct is just to bottle everything up. I really have to fight against it. I'm thankful DH is patient and understands why I am the way I am. He is the complete opposite. He has many feelings and never hesitates to let them out. He just likes to talk. We're able to communicate well now. It took lots of time to get there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600757 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:32:24 +0000 brownepiano 2600757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I'm slowly learning to stand up for myself and be my own advocate. DH is always telling me that even though they are the doctor I don't have to do everything they say! </p> <p>I even agree to appointments that are really hard to make just because I don't like feeling like a nuisance. I'm learning not to do that anymore.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600754 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:29:42 +0000 BSB 2600754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@brownepiano: Yup, I have that problem. I have a bad memory and I respect and look up to doctors. So I tend to forget about questions or I assume they have their reasons (through years of medical school that I did not have) for giving out advice and recommendations. </p> <p>I have started writing a list of potential questions that I have. Not anything to doubt my doctor's advice but more clarification and to understand why. I know I started doing this when I was pregnant because I was genuinely curious about somethings I read or saw.</p> <p>ETA: Oh, my therapist said I am assertive with some things but I don't voice them... or actually I voice them on HB because I feel more comfortable 'hiding' behind my avatar. It's probably not having to see people's face of disapproval on the internet. In real life, I would prefer not to see that. Once again going back on my conflict avoidance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600747 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:22:49 +0000 brownepiano 2600747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have very strong opinions but am also really passive aggressive and hate conflict. My brain tends to shut down when I'm stressed so I forget to do things (or don't have the courage to). Like forgetting all my questions at the doctor's unless I write them down out rehearse them in my mind....</p> <p>With DH all of our discussions about things used to involve a lot of tears and anxiety because I couldn't handle the conflict. That's gotten better over time. </p> <p>Good job going to counseling! I hope helps you find your voice with your in-laws </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600736 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 17:08:46 +0000 BSB 2600736@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@GoGoSnoGirl: Thanks for commenting. I was beginning to think I was the only one with this bad of a problem. I feel a little more normal now that you posted. </p> <p>I found this link that is supposed to help. </p> <p><a href="http://humanresources.about.com/od/conflictresolution/a/confrontation.htm" rel="nofollow">http://humanresources.about.com/od/conflictresolution/a/confrontation.htm</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600729 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 16:56:32 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2600729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel your pain. I try to be the martyr &amp; usually try to just go with the flow instead of creating conflict. In the past I've tried to just drop it or try to see the other side, but when it's all just too much, then I do get upset--usually with plenty of tears &amp; DH &amp; I both end up feeling bad. We just had one of these exchanges this morning because I have felt like DH doesn't help me very much with LO. By the end of our conversation, he said I do such a good job with her that he doesn't always know what needs to be done or what my routine is, so he doesn't often see what is needed &amp; he's usually worried about other things (that I don't need to/don't know about for either work or home maintenance). To his credit, he changes plenty of diapers &amp; will prep food for her, or do whatever I ask him to help with when I do ask, but I do all the motn wake ups (which have increased again this week for some reason) &amp; nearly every morning wake up and would love to have him just know what needs to be done so that I don't feel like I'm nagging. </p> <p>I don't have advice, but I commend you for getting counseling. We could likely benefit from some counseling, ourselves. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-problem-conflict-advoidance#post-2600719 Mon, 08 Aug 2016 16:28:08 +0000 BSB 2600719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We went to marriage counseling and the therapist says I have trouble voicing my opinions because I don't like conflict. For me, this happens particularly when dealing with my in laws... and maybe family and friends. (Actually, when it comes to DH, I don't usually have that problem... Haha, yeah...) I don't like to cause trouble or rock the boat but sometimes I keep things to myself so much that when things do get bad... I wall up and do the silent treatment. Yeah, and it doesn't help that I'm an introvert, too. Or maybe some introverts have some degree of this issue.</p> <p><a href="http://www.bustle.com/articles/133535-7-signs-youre-chronically-conflict-avoidant" rel="nofollow">http://www.bustle.com/articles/133535-7-signs-youre-chronically-conflict-avoidant</a></p> <p>Anyone a conflict avoidant? I hope I'm not the only one here. </p> <p>I always thought I was being considerate and being open minded about differing/opposite views. Yes, I know full well that I'm passive aggressive. </p>