https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 00:19:33 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2381091 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 21:51:53 +0000 ms.line 2381091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@YogiRunner: Happy to share... Good luck!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2380746 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 16:35:32 +0000 YogiRunner 2380746@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: Amazing! Thank you. I've already sent a few of those links to DH with some examples of scripts we could use that are spelled out in the answer to the LW. Thank you again! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2380738 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 16:30:42 +0000 mrsrain 2380738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: ouch, that's hurtful! As much as I hate confrontation, in your situation I would probably say something. "You keep voicing concerns over our plans to have a child. This is very important to us, can you please make an effort to be more supportive?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2380629 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:19:45 +0000 ms.line 2380629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@YogiRunner: There are a lot out there, but here are a few that might be be relevant to you: </p> <p><a href="http://captainawkward.com/2012/09/16/352-how-to-chill-baby/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2012/09/16/352-how-to-chill-baby/</a><br /> <a href="http://captainawkward.com/2012/01/05/2005/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2012/01/05/2005/</a><br /> <a href="http://captainawkward.com/2015/10/19/673-grandparents-visits-and-boundaries/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2015/10/19/673-grandparents-visits-and-boundaries/</a><br /> <a href="http://captainawkward.com/2015/02/24/671-planning-a-family-and-already-anticipating-difficulties-with-grandma/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2015/02/24/671-planning-a-family-and-already-anticipating-difficulties-with-grandma/</a><br /> <a href="http://captainawkward.com/2015/02/02/655-visits-with-highly-difficult-people/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2015/02/02/655-visits-with-highly-difficult-people/</a><br /> <a href="http://captainawkward.com/2012/06/05/264-my-in-laws-bugged-us-forever-to-give-them-a-grandchild-but-now-that-shes-here-theyre-not-interested/" rel="nofollow">http://captainawkward.com/2012/06/05/264-my-in-laws-bugged-us-forever-to-give-them-a-grandchild-but-now-that-shes-here-theyre-not-interested/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2380190 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 11:48:20 +0000 YogiRunner 2380190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: Hey there, do you have any links to those scripts by Captain Advice handy per chance? :wink: Trying to think of a way make boundaries clear with my ILs once the baby comes. It's bad now, so trying to nip it in the bud! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2379885 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 08:39:17 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2379885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Honestly I think its probably a bit of both. But you're right, I should remember where she's coming from. Unfortunately, DW is sensitive and despite her tough exterior, really struggles with self doubt. To me, parents are supposed to be the ones to lift you up and support you and empower you. But maybe I'm just lucky to have those parents. Hers loves her very much, I have no doubt of that, but some of the things she says make me crazy. She ridicules DW about her spelling. Having watched her struggle, I can pretty much guarantee that there is an undiagnosed learning disability. I feel like her mom has a lot to do with her self doubt.<br /> I also think she's hitting a nerve with me because I still have concerns that I'm pushing DW into this kids thing. I should know better, she really doesn't agree to things she's not ok with ever, but I also know she wouldn't be doing this on her own ( but then I might not be either.)<br /> Anyway, I think letting it go and hoping she learns to bite her tongue and just enjoy another grandkid is the best I can do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2379876 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 08:26:39 +0000 ms.line 2379876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@emilye519: Sorry, just saw your question! I've read Toxic Parents, Toxic In-Laws, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. I also read the Captain Awkward advice column which offers a lot of non-defensive "scripts." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2379821 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 06:12:33 +0000 namaste 2379821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My in-laws this weekend at church said we don't let our daughter spend time with other people (my bff and two other friends who usually keep her when we're busy were out of town) so I gave her to them to watch.. They promptly gave her to someone else to hold. :meh: I'm still confused... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2379795 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 02:47:03 +0000 Cherrybee 2379795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: That really sucks. I'm sorry. Are you sure that's where she's coming from? You talk about her being a free spirit and doing her own thing - imagine how much more travelling she would have done if she'd never had kids. Imagine how much she had to sacrifice. I know that my one wish for my daughter is that she has a happy and fulfilling life. I would be over the moon if she met an amazing woman, lived on a farm, had her own business doing something incredible - free from the domestic drudgery I had to endure. Perhaps she thought that her daughter had dodged the bullet, getting to 40 with no mention of kids. And then this madness. I mean, kids are going to ruin everything for her and there's no going back. I dunno, I just wonder if her reaction comes more from a place of concern than "I don't think you're capable"? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2379670 Sun, 06 Dec 2015 21:17:04 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2379670@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was just thinking I wanted to post about an annoying theme my MIL has been hooked on lately, but couldn't figure out where to put it. Then I found this thread! </p> <p>I love her most of the time but she's very different from my parents. She was always a free spirit, did her own thing even when she had little kids (traveling without the kids, letting them run free because she was busy, etc). DW had a very fun childhood with lots of love and very little supervision.<br /> She knows we TTC for a year, because with monthly trips to her area for inseminations, we couldn't exactly hide what we were doing. She has been mildly supportive and a bit hesitant the whole time. She doesn't talk to me about it directly but tells DW when they're alone that kids are a ton of work, cost a lot, etc. Yes, we know, thanks.<br /> Well, now that we've shifted gears and are pursuing foster-to-adopt, she's being a little more explicit with her concerns. She keeps saying to DW, over and over, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.<br /> DW has the impression that her mom thinks she shouldn't have kids at all. This is incredibly frustrating because while DW says it's not affecting her and it's fine, I know it does. Her mom has always had a way of doubting her and making her think she's not good enough. She is the youngest and lived on her mom's property (in a rental unit) for quite a long time, so I think she just has a hard time seeing her as an adult. She's 41!! We own a home, have our own nonprofit where we work with kids and horses, etc. We don't have a ton of extra money, but we pay all of our bills, eat well and live the life we want. I think we're doing ok, and we're certainly far more qualified to be parents than many of the people who are having kids in our area! </p> <p>Anyway, I don't really have any questions, except if anyone wants to tell me what they would do in this situation I'm all ears! I don't think it's really worth addressing unless it gets worse. I just hate that she doesn't believe in DW and makes her doubt herself so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2371651 Sat, 28 Nov 2015 15:04:38 +0000 gingerbebe 2371651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@keepcalmcarrie: oh I know my mother has this whole martyr thing going on. She just turned 59 and is in great shape and DS is on a strict schedule so she gets 2 hours to nap when he naps and I pay her for that time too. She loves DS TO DEATH but she told us we were irresponsible for having LO2 on the way (which was a surprise) bc she thinks we barely manage without her. Um no, I work 3 days a week to, in large part, make sure your mortgage gets paid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2371625 Sat, 28 Nov 2015 13:55:04 +0000 keepcalmcarrie 2371625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: @gingerbebe: what is it with our own mothers? I generally have a great relationship with my mom and an "eh" relationship with my MIL, but I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder... We are living with my parents while we build our house, and my inlaws are now 16-ish hours away, and I miss them and my own mom is driving me a little crazy. Like this morning we were talking about how nice it is that my 10 month old and my 2.5 year old are starting to really play together, and she said that's why she thinks it's great to have a close age gap for the first two (what she did as well) and I agreed and then confided that we are thinking about trying for a third in the not too distant future, and she was basically like "well you're going to have to get really good at this because I don't know how much I can help soon, I'm getting older and your boys are a lot of work." Um, wtf? First of all, do you not already think I am pretty good at this mothering thing? I think I'm a great mom, if we're being frank here. Secondly, I do not often ask for your help. You offer to do things like cut up fruit for lunch or hold the baby, but I am not relying on you for child care. And you are not yet 60, so let's not try to play the elderly card just yet. Third, yeah, they are both under 3, I am aware that they are a lot of work, but yeesh, what a grandmotherly thing to say. I kind of laughed it off, then later asked if she thought I was relying on her too much, and she said no (but clearly she does think so, otherwise why would you say that?) She is great person, she really is, but I'm learning as I'm living with her as an adult that she is pretty difficult to be around 24/7. I am anxious to move out. I had no idea it was going to be this challenging. I'm thinking it's time to find a regular babysitter too, even though I think it's weird to have someone else come to her house to watch them when I need to go to a doctor's appointment or something. But now I just want to make a point ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2371589 Sat, 28 Nov 2015 12:32:14 +0000 gingerbebe 2371589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Yes let me moan about my mom too! She quit her job without telling us when DS was born bc she wanted to give me the traditional 21 day Korean post partum lie in and she felt she needed to be available at all times as a grandma (she lives an hour plane ride away). But she didn't tell me she was jobless (she said she had taken some time off) and then just sat around waiting for me to call for like 4 months until my brother told me what happened. I hit the roof bc my parents are indigent and my mom is the sole provider. So I started flying my mom in every week on a commuter flight and paying her to watch DS 3 days a week in preparation for returning to work part time and to help her keep her house. And she could find a part time job for the other days she isn't working for me. I just asked that she give me a lot of notice when she got didn't want to do this anymore bc childcare takes a long time to set up. Well suddenly last week when she tells me she doesn't want to do this anymore. A week before Thanksgiving and right before Christmas! And my job's busiest time of year is in January! Daycare centers are booked through 2017 and I don't have time to book a nanny in that amount of time!! And never mind the fact she doesn't have another job lined up so we have no idea what she is going to do for money. She is just being completely irresponsible and leaving us dead in the water. By some miracle our friends found us a slot in a reputable in home daycare and DS can go to until a slot opens up in a 2s program at a preschool next fall but I'm totally seething at my mom for doing this to us this time of year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2371565 Sat, 28 Nov 2015 11:05:01 +0000 Cherrybee 2371565@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ooh, the inlaw vent thread is back! Can I vent about my mum (because the inlaws are awesome)? </p> <p>Ugh, my mum today..... She invests nothing into our relationship or into building a relationship with LO at all. She's only been to my house once and that's because I picked her up and brought her. If I suggest meeting up, she insists on being picked up and then asks me to take her to run errands etc and E gets really bored. We tend to just visit ger at home, then she spends the whole time stressing that E is touching her things. Anyway..... today she text me asking what she should get E for Christmas. I replied with a couple of suggestions. She then complained that she cant get to the toy shop easily and said Id have to take her to get it. It makes me feel as though we are massively inconveniencing her. Id rather her just not bother to be honest. </p> <p>Moan over. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2371552 Sat, 28 Nov 2015 10:18:11 +0000 emilye519 2371552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line I know this is an old thread I'm dredging up, but I'm having some in-law problems and trying to get ahead of the game with the holidays. Could you recommend some resources for reading on non-defensive communication? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295136 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 15:19:34 +0000 psw27 2295136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oof. what a doozy. As hard as it is, I would just ignore or deflect the comments... OR just roll your eyes at him or sarcastically say "thanks for your input." We did baby led weaning and my mom basically called me crazy for doing it... and I just ignored her and now she thinks its so great that LO can feed himself so well and tries so many foods. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295135 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 15:19:07 +0000 Astro Bee 2295135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: Seriously??? I'm in shock here! My parents are anti-spanking (as am I). My dad's mom was abusive towards him and his siblings, so I think that's why. She had 12 kids, although I don't condone her behaviour, I can understand that she was often overwhelmed. I don't think there's ever a good reason to hit a child, never mind in the face!</p> <p>My in-laws drive me a little (a lot!) crazy. My MIL thought nothing of lighting up a cigarette right in front of LO when he was only a couple of months old. I talked to her and she stopped smoking around all of us. Other than safety concerns, I do end up biting my tongue a little (a lot), and venting to my mom. I try not to seem that I am picking at his parents (even to DH), as we have a lot of other issues with them both at the moment. Have either you or DH (preferably DH) addressed any of your concerns with him? Starting by saying that the medical profession and child behaviourists, et al. don't believe that you can actually spoil a baby? Especially one that young. </p> <p>Lastly, we co-sleep (for half the night) and don't really offer that information up, either. I was against it before LO was born, but it's a really sanity saver for us. And the morning cuddles are amazing! No need to feel ashamed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295113 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 15:01:49 +0000 ms.jellen 2295113@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds like my mom. I honestly let it roll off me but she is my mom.... DH on the other hand started saying things back to her and now she thinks HE'S mean. I explained to her that we are DS's parents and if we want to hold him we will... and she threw a fit so she's not talking to me anymore. I'm just going to show her some tough love that she's wanting us to show DS. hahaahahaha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295107 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:56:00 +0000 Torchwood 2295107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: Holy crap, seriously? Our families won't approve of a lot we plan to do, but I really hope no one will suggest we punch her! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295058 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:13:46 +0000 Rockies11 2295058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We co-sleep and don't use punitive discipline on our kids (and my LO is old enough to "need" discipline so it's a live issue) and nobody on either side agrees with our parenting methods whatsoever. I don't think it's scarring, my older LO is just more uncomfortable with anything to do with punitive type discipline and withdraws. I think when time passes, she'll just think that the worst offenders are a bit crazy. Given that the majority of her life is spent in gentle parenting, the occaisional punitive comment isn't going to shake her to the core. We have told everyone though that if they ever use any type of physical punishment, they will never see the kids again, full stop. </p> <p>I think you just get used to family members disagreeing with you and making comments. I get tons of eyerolls a day when I spend time with my family but I just DGAF anymore. And we're not talking major over the top gentle parenting things. I got loud sighs and eyerolls for giving my crying 2 year old a hug, my brother screamed "how can you live like this?" when he heard her whining because she dropped Elmo in the car, and a family member suggested I punch her in the face when she wanted a different juice cup. I have tried to think of this stuff as teaching moments and practice talking about how people have different values. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295045 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:04:16 +0000 Torchwood 2295045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: Yes, thankfully. It doesn't irritate DH as much (he's a calmer person in general, and he has years more experience dealing with his dad), but he does totally agree with me on our parenting choices, and that his dad is an ass sometimes.</p> <p>@Modern Daisy: That sounds awful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295029 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:55:47 +0000 Modern Daisy 2295029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man that's so annoying! My Mom is the worst. She gets in my face and shouts about things that don't matter while I am solo parenting my insane 2 yo. And she is a total alarmist shrieking in horror any time he puts himself in harms way, which is constant - but she doesn't ever lift a finger to help. Then she will use all her energy to lecture me on what I'm doing wrong and how I "should" be doing things. It is completely exhausting! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295023 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:49:27 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2295023@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Maybe a nice, "thanks, we'll consider that," like @ms.line said...more passive and letting it go. I know that is WAY easier said than done, but it's what I try to do with my FIL. And DH might get an eye roll from me if FIL isn't looking. </p> <p>Is DH on the same page as you? Can you at least vent to him about it later? I think that's our saving grace! When I first met DH's parents, I couldn't understand why DH didn't have a great relationship with his dad, and then over the years, I realized why! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295020 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:47:54 +0000 ms.line 2295020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Oh, well that's good at least. Then I'd probably stick with "We're doing things our own way," or have DH talk to him. Still totally annoying, though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295015 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:42:15 +0000 Torchwood 2295015@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: He's overall a really good guy. Before we had a baby I had generally no issues with him. He just has some very strong opinions on child rearing. Actually, my one issue with him has always been that he'd incapable of making a suggestion, he always just tells you what you "need" to do. It was just a lot less irritating when it wasn't about my baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295013 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:38:04 +0000 ms.line 2295013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, and to piggyback on @2PeasinaPod, DH and I cut out my toxic, violent MIL a few years ago (she doesn't even know I'm pregnant), and our lives have been better for it. Is your FIL redeeming in other ways? If he's just a source of stress and frustration and negativity, I'd definitely consider scaling back contact, even temporarily. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295004 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:33:00 +0000 ldh112 2295004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, I'd probably get to a point where I'd have to say something like "I guess we view things differently - there are a million ways to parent a child" and continue about my business. If it became an ongoing problem impacting visits I'd have my husband say something to him about it (if it was his parent) and maybe back off on visits. That's just how I'd handle it if it was my family dynamic. I'm sorry it's happening and I definitely wouldn't be able to handle that more than a couple times without giving him a piece of my mind! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2295000 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:27:44 +0000 snowjewelz 2295000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: :shocked: But you are right, coming from someone that talked about using a belt... Btw, we co-sleep too, still doing it at 9.5 mo and honestly I don't tell people either b/c sometimes there's such a stigma with it for whatever reason! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2294999 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:27:35 +0000 hilsy85 2294999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeahhh I'd be limiting my contact with him! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-an-in-law-vent-thread#post-2294997 Fri, 18 Sep 2015 13:27:17 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2294997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes...he sounds, pleasant! </p> <p>I speak up when it comes to my FIL. He's the one that drives me batty. He'll "playfully" smack LO and laugh, and I will say, "Pop-pop, we don't hit." He definitely teaches LO a ton of bad habits, and we're stuck correcting them once he leaves.</p> <p>My mom also used to do a lot of this, but that's a non-issue now that she's not a part of our lives any longer. </p>