https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 23 Apr 2026 12:52:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2550254 Tue, 17 May 2016 10:13:34 +0000 BSB 2550254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A lot of good advice is mentioned here. I do want to comment that you shouldn't be calling yourself a 'dumb fuck' and I hope your husband isn't calling you that either. You aren't dumb in the way you perceiving this situation. You just grew up with certain beliefs and hearing all the details from your husband has made you react emotionally. You aren't dumb. You are just trying to learn about different cultures and beliefs. I do hope you come to terms with it and try not to worry about something that happened so long ago. We all grow as adults. Something that might have bothered us in high school or college is now not the case anymore. I think overtime our ideas, beliefs and perceptions evolve. You are growing as an individual. We all are. That is completely normal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2550243 Tue, 17 May 2016 10:05:55 +0000 stiletto_mom 2550243@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I grew up with both traditional Chinese culure and western culture. But I do not think he is cold. </p> <p>In fact, if it were me, I'd likely do the same thing. You can take responsibility of a child and have a cordial relationship with the other parent. </p> <p>Forcing love where there isn't any would cause more strain for the child than necessary.</p> <p>It is about how he treats you now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2550170 Tue, 17 May 2016 09:19:51 +0000 snowjewelz 2550170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: I can kind of see why you may feel hurt by his past actions based on your upbringing and culture. I'm Chinese too, and I can see how his actions in the past can be interpreted the way you do. Trust that he is a good guy and he loves you! It's good that you are working out your feelings on his past ONS with a therapist. I hope that maybe he is sympathetic to your feelings since you came from completely different cultures? We have pretty level headed bees here, so believe us when we say that we don't think he was a jerk :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2550047 Tue, 17 May 2016 05:50:11 +0000 Adira 2550047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: Girl, I don't know what your issue is, but I think it's good you're talking to a therapist and I think you should continue to do so. Your husband sounds like a stand-up guy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549988 Mon, 16 May 2016 21:13:45 +0000 Amorini 2549988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: Hey, I just wanted to chime in and say that I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and sad about this situation. :heart: As I read your words, I hope that you can be gentle with yourself and stop reliving these thoughts that cause you so much pain and confusion. It sounds like your mind is desperately spinning and searching for answers to understand the "cold" behavior thing...a behavior that is part of the distant past. As much as we think we understand other people's motivations and behaviors, especially people we love, we really don't because they are separate, unique individuals.</p> <p>My mind does the same spinning thing when I can't figure something out. Rather than hurt my brain and my heart any more, I have learned it is better to just let it be. Just speak kindly to yourself and say, "Some day, at another time in the future, I may understand better but not today." Then go and do something fun or creative or whatever makes you happy and get your mind off of the spinning thoughts.</p> <p>While I have a very different background from you, I was raised in a very sheltered environment that kept me from being exposed to a lot of typical mainstream things like any kind of sex before marriage, etc. Anyway, I had a lot of hard times in my 20s trying to adjust and have romantic relationships because I didn't know what was "normal" or acceptable versus what was abnormal and unacceptable. I was a slow learner and I freaked out a lot! So I really understand how scary, confusing and unsettling it can be to encounter another reality about the man you love that is so different from what you thought ... It's like the whole world is turned upside down! Your feelings are very real and yet the good news about this reality is that it doesn't sound at all like it spells disaster. It's the distant past, it sounds like it was healthy consensual sex at the time and that's that. He isn't the same person he was then and neither are you. It sounds really good in your marriage now so focus on the good and wonderful things! :heart: And please be gentle with you! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549940 Mon, 16 May 2016 19:07:00 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2549940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: Don't be so hard on yourself for being confused &amp; hurt by this information. There are pros &amp; cons to brutal honesty &amp; you can't un-know something once it is out there. </p> <p>For lots of people, there is sex for satisfaction only &amp; sex for love. You don't understand his past desire to just have the satisfaction of the act, but that doesn't make what he did cold--especially since the women he was with agreed to the arrangement for the ONS. As for your feelings about it, don't try to equate the sex he had in his ONS to the sex he has with you or your relationship--it's completely different, even if physically the same act. It sounds to me like you have a great relationship based on truth &amp; honesty. Try to stay focused on your time together &amp; your future, not your past. :goodluck: :heart: :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549929 Mon, 16 May 2016 18:17:02 +0000 Eko 2549929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, I'm assuming he maybe has more than two?! I would be thankful that you did not become a stepmom or contract a disease when you married him. Rather then think those actions are cold. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549927 Mon, 16 May 2016 18:15:29 +0000 Eko 2549927@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i don't think you can really judge someone based on something they did 10 years ago. Especially if he was upfront about his expectations. I also don't think women enter a ONS expecting a relationship ahead of ONS. Most of those feeling are an emotional afterthought. Many people have ONS and I would rather a guy put in the extra effort to be safe then not be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549910 Mon, 16 May 2016 17:33:32 +0000 Miss Ariel 2549910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sadly I think his behavior is similar to most guys in their early 20s. I actually think him being honest about his intentions and using protection are good things. I wouldn't call them cold, but the opposite since he's actively trying to avoid hurting someone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549902 Mon, 16 May 2016 17:14:59 +0000 thestairs 2549902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you Ms. Josina, thank you for your advice.<br /> Thank you everyone else for your advice and give your viewpoint on it. Thank you.</p> <p>His ONS--he make he make it very clear that in the begining that the arrangement was: Purely physical sex--condom on, and he leave right after sex.<br /> He doesn't even want to hang out after sex, let alone stay the night. He will not call, will not text, will not keep in touch afterwards. He doesn't even see the need of send a thank you text afterwards.. Basically right after sex, he will Disappeared.<br /> He wear a condom for his safety and protection. And he make sure to take great precautions, do what he believes it needed to to prevent a pregnancy.</p> <p>I asked him to answer my 'What IF' questions.. You know as in the chance/'what IF' she get pregnant; how can she contact him if he never gave her his #? He said the chance of she get pregnant is No.<br /> Because It was a one time sex, and it with condom on. With condom on he still he pull out before climax. Pull out with condom still on, and he finished himself off/finished by hand help himself--jerk it off into the condom all outside (his ejaculate no where near her).<br /> He telling me that the chance of the ONS girl get pregnant is No.<br /> I asked the "what if" the ONS girl get pregnant. And he answered my What if question.<br /> And the rest of the What if question I asked, he answer it up there. Brutally honest he answer me.</p> <p>He very patience with me, he very calm; I guess he understand it a cultural difference. And because I have zero sexual experienc. He very understanding of my culture, and very understanding about everything.<br /> He calmly explained to me that he didn't do anything wrong. He answered in details all my questions, he brutally honest.. He doesn't mind answer me, he just asked me for one thing: Don't force him to answer it the way I want to hear it.</p> <p>---------------------------------------------------------------------</p> <p>My Vietnamese mother disapproved and discriminate against my husband because he from West Africa, solely because of his ethnicity.<br /> My mother feed me alot of negativity, she always belittle me and put me down and labels me all kinds of names.<br /> You know what my Vietnamese mother, and the Vietnamese community where my mother live said? They said my husband with me because I'm the bubbly innnocent girl, the girl that have zero sexual experience. And he just use me for sex, blah blah..</p> <p>Well, he never wear a condom with me.. The first time I sleep with him, he didn't wear a condom and he finished inside me. Then married him as his wife, same--he don't wear a condom, and he always finished inside me 100% of the time.<br /> He said I'm his 'wife', he doesn't want to wear a condom, and he doesn't want to pull out. He said I'm his WIFE.<br /> This all confused me, because it 180 different from how he treats the ONS girls. you know what I mean? It just baffle me, it further confuse me.</p> <p>I just have the hard time trying to understand the way he treats his ONS.<br /> I just don't get it. Why the way he have sex with me is 180 degree different from the way he have sex with his ONS.<br /> I'm just confuse.<br /> And those past ONS of his BOTHER me so much. It bother me so much, well from my post you can see that it bother me so much.</p> <p>I know it a "ME" problem, I have to get over it myself. It a "ME" problem, I know it. But I know myself, I know it bother me, and I can't seem to get over it.<br /> Actually I hate myself right now because my heart bleeds for this guy, and it still bleeds for this guy. Arg!</p> <p>Met him when he was 25, he 30 now.<br /> I have known him 5 years. But the first 2 years we were 'just friends'. I didn't agree to be his GF until after 2 years of knowing him.<br /> I'm the girl in his neighborhood. Due to our close distance, seeing each others day in and day out; It not hard to get to know him well..<br /> We talk alot, we do know each others well.</p> <p>He said he wait for me, he does what he said.. After 2 years I agree to be his GF, then I make him wait another year into our commited relationship before I sleep with him.<br /> So the first 3 years, there no sex between us.<br /> I first sleep with him in 2014 (so sexually, it only been 2 years).</p> <p>We got married on Feb 6th, 2015<br /> (so it 15 months into marriage).<br /> It still bother me so much (since 2014). And till this day it still bother me. I wish I can get over it, but it so hard. </p> <p>I'm venting on here, write out my feelings on here. Because I don't see what the point of keep talking to him about this ONS topic. Because as you can see, he brutally honest with me. What else is there for me to keep questioning this guy?<br /> He tell me everything and the complete everything.<br /> I can't get over it, it my problem, it a "ME" problem. Not his problem.<br /> Gahh I wish I can get over it, I just don't know how. It sooooo hard!</p> <p>----------------------------------------------------------------------<br /> ETA: answer Ms. Eko<br /> He said he only had 2 ONS.</p> <p>His complete sexual history is just these:<br /> --- His first love/first relationship was a Korean girl that he went to High school with; they know each others since their High school days. They were each others first, he loves her too too much. Unfortunately, after she graduated High school--her whole famliy and her move to another state.. Due to the long distance they naturally drift apart, it didn't work out for them. He did say he loved her alot.<br /> They lasted till he was 19.</p> <p>--- Then age 20, in his college age days (10 years ago), he had two "One night stands" that purely was just the physical sex. He said he have no feelings for those girls. There was No feelings No emotions involved, he doesnt' even know those girls.<br /> He make it very clear in the beginning that the arrangement was: purely physical sex--condom on, and he'll leave right after sex; the girl agree to it.. Both parties agree to the arrangement; it simply just two people who wants to get into each other pants.<br /> Everything about his ONS is everything in the OP post. He brutally honest with me about it. Everything I asked, he answered.</p> <p>--- Anyways, then came his second relationship--this was the dead serious long term relationship that almost lead to marriage.. He loved her alot alot, she very important to him. She a girl same ethnicity as him, they know each others for a long long time.<br /> He said he loved her alot. It didn't work out because of all the fighting and arguing, he said he just so sick and tired of it that he just can't do it anymore; so they broke up.</p> <p>--- I know he love this ex-GF alot.. After him and her broke up, he stay single, he didn't date anyone.<br /> Then he met me, I thought he was extreme with his chase. I knew he likes me; but I want to test his patience, I just want to be friends only.. So we were friends for 2 years before dating. I use the two years time to slowly 'observe' him, get to know him really well before I agree be his GF.<br /> I'm his third relationship and we married.. I admit I test his love and patience alot, I like to give him a him a very hard time. I'm sure it because I'm the girl in his neighborhood, or else he wouldn't have this much patience.</p> <p>Anyways, that his whole "Relationship history". I thought it pretty darn low on the bar of sexual parners.<br /> To be frank; he does not have alot of sexual partners at all, considering he a "Street smart" guy. I'm sure there plenty of men out there who have way more sexual partners than him.</p> <p>He said he only had 2 ONS.<br /> I dunno. I trust him. Perhaps it because he is my husband, but my heart say trust him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549898 Mon, 16 May 2016 16:57:00 +0000 josina 2549898@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: Sorry that you feel this way, now that you know, you can't 'unknow' it, so you will just have to find a way to move on from it. Did you just find out recently, and that's why it bothers you so much? Is it more because you were a virgin and he wasn't? I can see how it would bother you that he is your one and only, but he has had other meaningless sexual encounters. You held/hold sex on a much higher level of importance than he has in the past. He can't 'fix' what he's done, so really just appreciate him for being so honest with you, and for how he is NOW.</p> <p>Its great that you and him are so honest with each other, but I think the little details like pulling out, etc. are better just not known. It may have been better to just know that he had protected sex with 2 women in the past, and leave it at there. Anything more than that is bringing the heartache that you have now, and he can't do anything to fix that. I would not have hurt you to NOT know.</p> <p>I hope that you can move past this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549894 Mon, 16 May 2016 16:48:54 +0000 thestairs 2549894@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes Ms. BlueStriped Bee, the guy in the OP post is my husband.<br /> I remember your username, from the last thead you help give me advice. Regarding my Vietnamese mother disrespect and discriminate against my husband, because he come from Sierra Leone, West Africa.</p> <p>My parents disapproved my husband, soley because of his Ethnicity. My parents didn't accept him and still haven't accept him.. My mom make it loud and clear that if I married him, she will disown me. And she did, she completely cut me off after I got married.<br /> I love him, I have no regrets married him.<br /> yes, I'm fully aware how Vietnamese parents will react when their daughter married a guy from Africa.<br /> But I have zero regrets. He is my husband.</p> <p>Anyways, answer PP.<br /> I know the details because I asked, and he answer everthing because I'm his wife.. He said he'll answer everything and anything I ask, because I'm his 'wife'.<br /> But who am I to him is irrelevant to the question in this thread. My thread question is asking for viewpoint just based ONLY on 'how' he treats his past One Night Stand. </p> <p>He big on communication. He make it very clear, to him the basic fundamental in relationship/marriage is communication.<br /> To him; he can't be in a relationship--IF there No communication.. Since day one he asked me to promise communicate to him, talk to him.</p> <p>He always tell me that he believe in communication, honesty and respect..He said he wants BOTH me and him to be upfront to each others, both lays everything out on the table. As he wanted; I lay everything out on the table for him to see, and he lay everything out on the table for me to see.</p> <p>He wants and needs complete honestly in relationship/marriage.. He said he doesn't want to build a marriage based on lies. He believes that a strong marriage needs to be based on complete honesty, where two people accept each others for who they are. Knowing the good and the bad about each others, just lay it all out on the table and start build the relationship from there.<br /> He thinks that a relationship start out from honestly since the begining, it will save you from alot of headache later on.. He doesn't want any drama in his life.</p> <p>He wants our relationship to be build on complete honestly..He very upfront and honest. He know his answers is not what I want to hear, but he still brutally honest with me.<br /> He said he will answer anything and everything I ask, just Don't force him to answer it the way I want to hear it.</p> <p>Past and present always upfront and honest, I really appreciate him for that.<br /> It just my heart bleed and bleed everytime I think about ‘How” he have sex with the ONS/How he treats his past ONS.<br /> I don’t know what to do, it just hurts so much. Seeing how cold he capable of.<br /> He not cold to me because I'm his wife.. But he cold to that 2 girls in his past ONS. </p> <p>Well I'm the dumb fu-ck here. I guess I only have myself to blame. I'm a dumb fuck because I know all this about him--HOW he treats he ONS girls, how cold he capable of.<br /> I know all this about him, yet I still fall for him and married him. So the dumb fuck one here is me.<br /> I just wish my heart doesn't hurt this much. It just hurts so much, I feel that it bleed and bleed everytime I think about 'how' he treats those ONS girls. It clearly that he capable of being cold.</p> <p>This thread what I want is to hear other ladies viewpoint on this, just BASED on how he treats his past ONS.<br /> I really appreciate those that reply give me your viewpoint. Thank you so much.<br /> It bother me and it still bother me, so I want to hear other ladies viewpoint on it. I'm just trying to understand it.</p> <p>-----------------------------------------------------------<br /> He is the only guy I’ve ever been with, he my first everything. What I know about men, love, marriage is all from him.</p> <p>I grow up in the Confucianism traditional Chinese culture. No, not the modern China culture. But the old-fashioned traditional Chinese culture. Added on to my mother who is Vietnamese, the Vietnamese culture is very traditional too.<br /> I just don't understand about ONS. I just don't understand the way he had sex with his ONS, 'how' he had sex with those ONS girls. And how he have the ONS the way he have it.</p> <p>He was my first everything.. Therefore before I decided to take the relationship to the physical level, I asked in details about his sexual history.<br /> I mean as his GF, I do know about his sexual past; but I want to know more in details, kwim? He very upfront and honest with me. He look at me straight in the eyes, and answer every single details questions I asked.<br /> He very honest. He told me all, everything--his past relationship and past ONS.. His complete sexual history: </p> <p>Actually Ms. BlueStriped Bee probably remember my other thread, where I talk about my Vietnamese mother who abuse me in my childhood, belittle me, emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, even one time physically beaten me. I have childhood emotional baggage. And I been in therapist to get help with my emotional childhood baggage.<br /> Anyways, my emotional childhood baggage have nothing to with my husband ONS he had 10 years ago.</p> <p>In therapy sessions, I did told my therapist about this ONS topic. I told my therapist that I asked him details about his ONS.. ONS is just so foreign to me. I just don't understand it, and I'm not sure lifetime I can ever understand it.. He is the only guy I've ever been with, he my first everything. I was a virgin when I sleep with him.</p> <p>My therapist said virgin or not virgin, growing up in traditional culture or not traditional culture.. Every woman before engage in a sexual relationship with a man, for her health safety she has the rights to discuss about both sides sexual history. If she find 'full disclosure' is a nessary requirement to a sexual relationship, then that is her rights to do so.<br /> The woman even have the rights to asked the man to show her his latest STD test result, and asked if the man have been tested lately.<br /> Do the man have to answer? No. And if the woman feel that the man fail to met her 'full disclosure' requirement to a sexual relationship trust; does the woman have to have sex with the man? No.</p> <p>My therapist said I don't have a problem, because my husband willing to tell me everything. Yes, he said said I'm his 'wife', I can questioning him all I want. He will answer anything and everything I ask, just don't force him to answer it the way I want to hear it.. He always have been very upfront and honest. He wants our relationship to be build on complete honestly.<br /> My therapist asked me so what is the problem?</p> <p>Actually I don't know what the heck is the problem. It just that his ONS bother me so much.<br /> I know all this (about his ONS) prior sleeping with him, and I still sleep with him. So basically I'm the dumb fuck here, I only have myself to blame. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549854 Mon, 16 May 2016 15:29:20 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2549854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really see what the problem is here. I think he did right by his one night stands. What is your relationship with the guy? I didn't catch it in your posts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549850 Mon, 16 May 2016 15:21:58 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2549850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Whether or not you agree with having one night stands, I'd say this guy did his EXACTLY right: communicated his intentions &amp; ensured both parties were as safe as could be from STDs &amp; pregnancy. I see no problem as far as that all goes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549841 Mon, 16 May 2016 15:12:35 +0000 josina 2549841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you can judge a person based on TWO ONS's 10 years ago. Maybe if it was a frequent occurrence, or he NEVER pursued anything else, but this guy is married (I assume to you), and had past gf's as well, so saying he is COLD because of that, is off base.<br /> Also, I don't think you can say he acts differently than EVERY OTHER GUY who has had a ONS.<br /> He was upfront about it prior to the ONS - positive.<br /> He was extra cautious about pregnancy / STD's - positive.<br /> He is obviously being very honest about the situation if you know all of those details - which is a positive, but really WHY do you want to know all of that?</p> <p>Let the past be the past. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549833 Mon, 16 May 2016 15:01:15 +0000 regberadaisy 2549833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think he is cold at all. He was upfront with the girls he had one night stands with. He is being safe by using condoms and pulling out. It's not just to prevent pregnancy, condoms are to prevent against sexually transmitted diseases as well. I don't think saying he won't married a girl he got pregnant on a one night stand is cold. He said he will be a father to the child and pay child support. That is called being an adult and "manning" up. That's a lot more than a lot of men would do. Just because you got someone pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry them. Marriage should be about love, not obligation.</p> <p>I'm Chinese, born in China and from a very traditional Chinese family. If I got pregnant R from a one night stand my family would probably be outraged and disgusted with me. But I would never assume the man should marry me because of it. Mutual consensual sex between two adults, takes two to tangle. If he AND I wanted to make a go of a relationship, perhaps I would try because of the child. But I won't immediately enter into a marriage just because his sperm met my egg on a one night stand. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549821 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:51:37 +0000 birdofafeather 2549821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>it seems like he was upfront and honest, the girls knew and he did as he said. good for him for taking precautions and doubling up birth control. also, it was 10+ years ago. so if is my BF or DH, i would get over it because i'm assuming he didn't make these caveats when he started the relationship with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549820 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:51:23 +0000 Adira 2549820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>&lt;&lt; But what I don’t get is he not doing what other men do. Other men out there who have ONS doesn’t have sex that way. They not cold like him. There men who have ONS that don’t even use condom. The men who have ONS that use condom don’t even pull out.<br /> Why he doesn’t do what other men out there do? &gt;&gt;</p> <p>Dude - why on Earth would you want him to do what other men do during their ONS????? Men who don't use a condom during a ONS are not being safe AT ALL! It's not safe for the man and it's not safe for the woman. Why the heck do you think it would be better if your husband didn't practice safe sex in his past??? This is just NUTS to me! :shocked: </p> <p>And why do you even care that he didn't turn any of his ONS into a relationship?? It sounds to me like you're just picking a fight for no reason. It happened 10 years ago. He was honest and open and SAFE. I have noooooo idea why you are getting so upset about this.</p> <p>I mean, it's one thing if you're upset he HAD one night stands - I can understand being disappointed about that. But being disappointed that he was HONEST and SAFE during his one night stands??? You sound crazy... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549811 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:43:25 +0000 BSB 2549811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One night stands... People do it. Both men and woman do it. It's sometimes part of being young and carefree. I think as long as he grows up and hasn't had any issues with cheating then I wouldn't think of it again. If there is a child out there and they want him to know about it, then they would contact him.</p> <p>No need to worry about something so long ago. </p> <p>It's hard to understand where you fall in this situation. Are you the girl he had the ONS with? Is this your husband and he had ONS in the past?</p> <p>ETA: It appears your husband is the one who had ONS. Honey, don't worry about it. You appear to be overreacting. If you love your husband now and he has no signs of cheating or infidelity, then I wouldn't worry about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549803 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:31:36 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2549803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Whats the problem here? That he's being extra precautious? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549802 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:29:15 +0000 yoursilverlining 2549802@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok, I'll play. </p> <p>Let the past be the past. Who cares who your husband slept with 10 years ago. And if this isn't about your husband - why are you so emotionally involved in the situation at all, 10 years after it happened? </p> <p>I don't think he was cold and certainly not cruel. He was upfront - many women who want a ONS want the same things this man wants - not a stage 5 clinger afterwards who thinks sex makes a relationship. It doesn't. Those two things can be completely separate. Man people lie about what they want in order to get to sex - isn't that colder than being honest?</p> <p>Nobody is under any obligation to marry someone they get pregnant (or to marry someone who got them pregnant), or to sleep with anyone for any reason. I don't understand that entire part of the story, to be honest. Do you think if you sleep with someone once, you have an obligation to sleep with them again, or else you are being cold? If so, I disagree. Strongly. </p> <p>To your "what if" - it's been 10 years. Lawyers (and others) can find people, so if there was a baby and the mother wanted to find your husband, she could. The fact he didn't give her his number is completely irrelevant at this point. Would he be under obligation to contact every woman he ever slept with every time he gets a new phone number to update them, just in case? </p> <p>Different people connect sex and morality differently; I guess you have to decide if this is worth stressing over. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549798 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:24:23 +0000 thestairs 2549798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry my post is long, I know it very hard to read it. But please read it till the end for fairness of the whole situation.<br /> And Yes, English is my third language. Chinese and Vietnamese is my native languages.<br /> My English grammars is not good, the tenses is all over the place. But posters who read my post said they can undertsand me. It just they have to autocorrect the tenses in their head as they reading it.</p> <p>I still don't understand this, please if you can help me explained it. I'm trying really hard to understand it, but it so hard for me.</p> <p>I understand that he make he make it very clear that in the begining that the arrangement was: Purely physical sex–condom on, and he leave right after sex.<br /> He not looking for a GF or a relationship. He not even looking for a FWB. He not even looking for a friend. What he wanted was just 1 thing–the ‘Purely’ physical sex.<br /> He doesnt even want to hang out after sex, let alone stay the night. He will not call, will not text, will not keep in touch afterwards. He doesn’t even see the need of send a thank you text afterwards.. Basically right after sex, he will Disappeared.</p> <p>And he did what he said, he left after sex, go on with his street life like nothing happened. He disappeared after sex.</p> <p>How he have sex with the ONS girls:<br /> [[[ He already wear a condom but still extra careful that before he climax–even with the condom on he still pull out. Pull out with condom still on, and he finishes by hand help himself/jerk it off into the condom; all outside no where near her. ]]]<br /> I know he using condom on method, and pull out before climax method–two methods together. Perhaps he worried about condom break, so he wants to be extra safe.</p> <p>But what I don’t get is he not doing what other men do. Other men out there who have ONS doesn’t have sex that way. They not cold like him. There men who have ONS that don’t even use condom. The men who have ONS that use condom don’t even pull out.<br /> Why he doesn’t do what other men out there do?</p> <p>He very upfront and honest. He said he wants relationship to be build on complete honestly.. He know his answers is not what I want to hear, but he still brutally honest with me.<br /> He said he will answer anything and everything I ask, just don’t force him to answer it the way I want to hear it.. I understand and I really appreciate his honesty.</p> <p>I asked him to answer my ‘What IF’ questions.. Yes, he took great precautions. But the chance/’what IF’ she get pregnant.<br /> He said the chance of she get pregnant is No. Because It was a one time sex, and it with condom on. With condom on he still he pull out before climax. Pull out with condom still on, and he finished himself off/finished by hand help himself–jerk it off into the condom all outside (his ejaculate no where near her).</p> <p>I asked ‘What IF’ the ONE girls got pregnant then what? He answered he said: [[[ He will pay for Child support, buy whatever things the baby needs, spend time with the baby, watch the baby grow up, be in the baby life.. He will fullfill his role as a father, and that is all to it.<br /> Between him and that ONS girl: it simply he the dad of the baby, and she the mom of the baby; that’s all to it. ]]]<br /> I asked how about married her, have sex with her again?.. He said he will Not married her, he will Not have sex with her again.. It a ONS, it a one time thing sex and it will remained a one time thing; there won’t be a second time sex. Isn’t he cold? It all about his principles.</p> <p>He said he is not obligate to married her (the ONS girls). He not obligate to have sex with her again just because he had one time sex ONS with her, or just because they have a baby due to that one time ONS.. He doesn’t own her anything. And he not obligate to force himself to love her. He not obligate to force himself to have caring feelings for her, or force himself to develope feelings for her. The ONLY obligation he have is obligate to the baby.. If what he say make sense?</p> <p>But I don’t get it. Because there plenty of men who have ONS and turn into booty call and FWB or relationship. But this guy is so cold, just look at how he have sex with the ONS girls, and how he answer to my ‘What IF” question above. Isn’t he cocky? And cold?</p> <p>Those who have ONS know that other men who have ONS don't do what he do. I read around the forum where there threads on ONS, and none of the thread where the ladies said their ONS man do what this guy do.<br /> It obviously this guy is cold and cocky. Other men who have ONS don't have sex the 'way' he have sex. I BOLD it, other men who have ONS don't have sex like that.<br /> Other men who have ONS some don't even wear condom, let alone wear condom and still pull out.<br /> And other men who have ONS sure doesn't answer the 'What if" question like how this guy answer it to me.</p> <p>And ONS #2 girl, this ONS girl seems like she wants to keep in touch with him, perhaps want to be his 'booty call'? Because before he leave, she said perhaps phone her sometimes to keep in touch (since they did exchange # prior to meet up for sex).. He flat out said No, rejected her. He will not phone her to keep in touch. He doesn't care if after sex she change her mind or not, it not his problem.<br /> And he make it very clear in the begining what the arrangement was, and he will stick to it regardless.. He follow through with the arrangement, and want her to also follow through with it. He said he will not give give a girl hope when it isn't hope there.<br /> He cold right? Because other men who have ONS don't do this, other men who have ONS don't flat out reject girls like this. </p> <p>If you have ONS before, tell me if the ONS man you have the ONS with, have sex the 'way' like this guy have sex?<br /> [[[ This guy---He already wear a condom but still extra careful that before he climax–even with the condom on he still pull out. Pull out with condom still on, and he finishes by hand help himself/jerk it off into the condom; all outside no where near her. ]]]<br /> But other men who have ONS don't have sex like this. I don't get it. He doesn't do what other men do.<br /> I just don't get it. I don't get it.</p> <p>These two ONS he had 10 years ago, when he was 20. He 30 years old now.</p> <p>He did have a first love/sexual relationship with his first GF--a girl from his High School, they lasted till age 19. But they drift apart due to the girl family move to another state/their relationship ended.<br /> A year later at age 20--he had the ONS. In fairness to him; when he had the ONS, he was single.<br /> He said he loved the ex-GF alot. But he never love the ONS, zero feelings for the ONS.</p> <p>So nothing really, I guess he just a "Street smart" guy who is cocky and full of himself. Even at the age 20 (when he had these ONS).<br /> I dunno, I can't explain why he is the way he is.. It guess because he sure saw alot of guys with baby mama drama out there, so he make sure not to get himself in to the position like those guys.<br /> Actually one of his childhood buddy fathered 5 kids with 5 different baby-mama. He sure see alot of drama that his childhood buddy went through and still go through; perhaps that's why he make sure to avoid/make sure not get end up in the same situation as his buddy.. He did say he hate drama, and he doesn't want drama in his life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549789 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:13:40 +0000 Turd Ferguson 2549789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p> [attach=2591/16/o7aaqs.225x225.image.jpeg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549786 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:10:48 +0000 snowjewelz 2549786@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wait and you like him but he's married now? Sry that totally went over my head. So he's totally capable of love and marriage afterall.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549779 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:06:31 +0000 Adira 2549779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Meh, I think what he did 10 years ago doesn't indicate what he's like now. And I don't think it's cold to have a one night stand the way you described it. He was forthright with what he wanted from the night and what would happen and the girls he had them with were completely on board. So... I don't see what the issue is. Also, I think the fact he was extra precautions to ensure no pregnancy during his one night stands is actually a positive. You seem to think guys that have one night stands with no condoms would be better?? That's kind of crazy... :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549774 Mon, 16 May 2016 14:01:55 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2549774@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For english as a third language you can write a lot of very detailed scenarios. Sorry, thats all I got out of it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549769 Mon, 16 May 2016 13:57:27 +0000 snowjewelz 2549769@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't say he's cold... He spelled everything out before hand and both parties agreed to the "rules". It's true that it's not his problem if the girl changes her mind and wants more. This actually happened to a friend and she spent years recovering from that guy (but she was like a moth to flame). </p> <p>I don't think he's "cold", to him sex is just a transaction and your what if's aren't even possibilities in his mind so he can only deal with those as logically as he can without any emotions... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549768 Mon, 16 May 2016 13:56:50 +0000 Anagram 2549768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that how he treats his current relationship with you is a better indicator of if he is cold or not, rather than how he treated past women he had one night stands with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand#post-2549757 Mon, 16 May 2016 13:50:37 +0000 thestairs 2549757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hi, I'm sorry English is my third language. And I grow up in the Confucianism traditional Chinese culture, perhaps this is why I have a very hard time trying to understand this.<br /> I'm sorry for the Longgg post ahead, but please try to read it to the end for fairness and for the whole picture.<br /> I really want your viewpoint on this guy, based ONLY on this situation on "How" he treats his One Night Stand.<br /> Who am I to him, is IRRELEVANT to the question in this thread. I just want to know your viewpoint on what you think of Him based on this situation ONLY, the way he handles/treats his ONS. Don't you think he cold? He clearly capable of being cold.. Perhaps he is a cold person to the point he not capable of love any girl?</p> <p>This guy ONS was 10-11 years ago, back when he was 20 (he is 30 now).<br /> The ONS happened back when he was 20.<br /> He was single at the time he had the ONS . At the time he was not even talking to any girl, let alone see any girl. He not looking for a GF or a relationship. He not even looking for a FWB. Heck, he not even looking for a friend. What he wanted was just 1 thing--the 'Purely' physical sex.<br /> He doesn't even want to hang out after sex, let alone stay the night. He will not call, will not text, will not keep in touch afterwards. He doesn't even see the need of send a thank you text afterwards.. Basically right after sex, he will Disappeared.<br /> He make he make it very clear that in the begining that the arrangement was: Purely physical sex--condom on, and he leave right after sex.</p> <p>He said he knows exactly what he wants, and he have his principles.<br /> He lays it all out on the table and does what he says.. He leave right after sex, and go on with his life nothing happened. He doesn't see the need of being nice or being civil.<br /> Both parties agree with the arrangement, that was why the ONS happened.. He said IF the ONS girls didn't agree with the arrangement, he will make sure the ONS wouldn't happened in the first place.<br /> He said he doesn't own the ONS girls anything, and he didn't do anything wrong. Because right at the begining, he make it very clear what the arrangement was. And the ONS girls agree to it.<br /> It simply just two people wants to get into each other pants for the purely physical sex. Both parties have the same goal, the ONS girls goal was the same as his.</p> <p>He said he doesn't care that the ONS girls said she on birth control.. He wear a condom for his safety and protection. And he make sure to take great precautions, do what he believes it needed to to prevent a pregnancy.<br /> He doesn't want a baby with a ONS, and he doesn't want to pay for child support.. All he want was just want the 'purely' physical sex--and that was all to it, zero feelings zero emotions involved. He doesn't even know the ONS girls, and he doesn't want to get to know them.</p> <p>ALL he wanted was just the 'purely' physical sex. But it clear that he doesn't trust the ONS girls.. How he have sex with the ONS girls:<br /> [[[ He already wear a condom but still extra careful that before he climax--even with the condom on he still pull out. Pull out with condom still on, and he finishes by hand help himself/jerk it off into the condom; all outside no where near her. ]]]<br /> So it was two kinds of BC methods at once right? The using condom on method, and pull out before climax method--two methods together.<br /> Perhaps he worried about condom break, so he wants to be extra safe. I know it his body, his rights to his own body. But perhaps he cold?.. And Yup; he leave right after sex, and go on with his life like nothing happened. He does what he says, after sex he Disappeared.</p> <p>Anyways, ONS #1 girl was a college girl (who know his buddy).. He make it very clear in the begining what the arragement was, she agrees. And right after sex, he disappeared--he leave like what he said the arrangement was.<br /> He never gave her his number and doesn't see the needs of give it, because he doesn't want to keep in touch afterwards.<br /> I asked him to answer my 'What IF' questions.. Yes, he took great precautions. But the chance/'what IF' she get pregnant; how can she contact him if he never gave her his #? He said the chance of she get pregnant is No. Because It was a one time sex, and it with condom on. With condom on he still he pull out before climax. Pull out with condom still on, and he finished himself off/finished by hand help himself--jerk it off into the condom all outside (his ejaculate no where near her).<br /> And answer my 'What IF' question, IF she got pregnant he sure she would go through his buddy to find him.. Eventhough she doesn't know his #, but she knows his buddy.</p> <p>ONS #2 girl, him and this college girl did exchange number to use it to meet up for sex.. He did exactly he did with the ONS #1 girl. He make it very clear in the begining what the arrangement was, she agrees. And like what he said in the arrangement; he disappeared--he leave right after sex.<br /> This ONS girl seems like she wants to keep in touch with him, perhaps want to be his booty call? Because before he leave, she said perhaps phone her sometimes to keep in touch (since they did exchange # prior to meet up for sex).. He flat out said No, rejected her. He will not phone her to keep in touch. He doesn't care if after sex she change her mind or not, it not his problem.<br /> And he make it very clear in the begining what the arrangement was, and he will stick to it regardless.. He follow through with the arrangement, and want her to also follow through with it. He said he will not give give a girl hope when it isn't hope there.<br /> And he answered my 'What If' question. The chance of she get pregnant is No.. Because he had sex with her exactly just like how he had sex with ONS #1.. And 'What IF' she got pregnant, he sure she would phone him to let him know if she pregnant.</p> <p>Anyways; then I asked 'What IF' the ONE girls got pregnant then what? He answered he said: [[[ He will pay for Child support, buy whatever things the baby needs, spend time with the baby, watch the baby grow up, be in the baby life.. He will fullfill his role as a father, and that is all to it. ]]]<br /> Between him and that ONS girl: it simply he the dad of the baby, and she the mom of the baby; that's all to it.<br /> I asked how about married her, have sex with her again?.. He said he will Not married her, he will Not have sex with her again.. It a ONS, it a one time thing sex and it will remained a one time thing; there won't be a second time sex. I think he so cold, it all about his principles.</p> <p>He wish her all the happiness; find her man/her husband, find her happiness. BUT him--he won't married her, because he doesn't love her. And he won't have sex with her again, ONS will remain a one time sex ONS.. Overall his point is his principles. And he wants to be fair to himself, fair to her, and fair to the baby.<br /> He said he is not obligate to married her (the ONS girls). He not obligate to have sex with her again just because he had one time sex ONS with her, or just because they have a baby due to that one time ONS.. He doesn't own her anything. And he not obligate to force himself to love her. He not obligate to force himself to have caring feelings for her, or force himself to develope feelings for her. The ONLY obligation he have is obligate to the baby.<br /> I think he very cold. All I feel is cold, nothing but cold from his answer.</p> <p>I don't get it. There plenty of men out there who have ONS then turn into relationship. There plenty of men out who have ONS, but doesn't have sex the way like he have sex. As in this: [[[ He already wear a condom but still extra careful that before he climax--even with the condom on he still pull out. Pull out with condom still on, and he finishes by hand help himself/jerk it off into the condom; all outside no where near her. ]]]<br /> Other men out there who have ONS doesn't have sex that way. They not cold like him. There men who have ONS that don't even use condom. The men who have ONS that use condom don't even pull out.<br /> Why he doesn't do what other men out there do? And there plenty of men who have ONS and turn into booty call and FWB or relationship. But this guy is so cold, just look at his answer to my 'What IF" question above. I feel that he very cold.</p> <p>I know his fairness/balance scale is very important to him. But his balance scale it probably to the point of extreme fairness. He draws the line very clearly. It clearly black and white; there No grey line in between, he doesn't blur the line.. It rather a black or white, NOT in between.<br /> It scary to see how he can clearly separate love, feelings/emotions and the physical sex. He can damn clearly separate if he loves the girl or not.. He can beep face his emotions, when there no feelings then there no feelings. There no grey in between, it just so easy and so clearly to him.<br /> And he doesn't need any girls to stroke his ego. He doesn't need a girl to be in relationship with. He confident in himself, confident to the point of being cocky.<br /> And he doesn't even believe in 'Friends of benefits'.. He only believes in (No strings attach) ONS, relationship and marriage.</p> <p>Love to him is waiting, it the deep emotional bond, it have feelings for the girl, emotionally attach to the girl. It the sex with emotional attachment. This was what he felt with his relationship/ex-GF. This is what he feels with his wife/feels in marriage, he now married.<br /> (He Never feel this with the ONS girls. He said he have zero feelings/zero attachment to the ONS girls, he never love them. It was just purely physical sex).</p> <p>Hope you make it through reading it. What your viewpoint on a guy like him? His views and his answers is cold.. And 'the way' he treats/ and 'How' he have sex with the ONS girls. Isn't it cold? It clearly that he Capable of being cold.. Isn't he cold to the point that perhaps he not capable of love any girl?<br /> My heart bleeds and bleeds, when I think of "How" cold and cruel he treats his past ONS. It hurts NOT because he bedded the ONS girls, What hurt is"HOW" he treated them, kwim? Tell me I'm a dumb f-u-c-k, because my heart bleeds because of this guy. I'm a dumb f-u-c-k because I fall for this guy.<br /> Please just give me your viewpoint on this guy based on this situation ONLY--based on "How" he treats his ONS. He just plain out cold right? What I mean cold here is the 'way' he treats them. </p>