https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 14 Apr 2026 15:04:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919215 Wed, 23 Sep 2020 23:12:28 +0000 jhd 2919215@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: been thinking of you often. thanks for taking the time to keep us updated. :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919198 Wed, 23 Sep 2020 10:41:36 +0000 Anonymous2 2919198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for advice and positive thoughts. </p> <p>While I have no idea what the future holds for us, we’ve made progress in the last week. A good non yelling talk - I did take advice and not make an ultimatium but was clear that I can’t continue when I’m afraid in my own home. He surprised me by opening up and telling me what was upsetting him and we are working on things with the help of professionals. And I believe he knows what he has done is wrong and I won’t accept it continuing. </p> <p>Time will tell if it works out but don’t worry that if it doesn’t - I know what I deserve, what my daughter and even my dog deserves and I won’t hesitate to walk away even if it’s hard because I love my DH so much. </p> <p>So thanks again - you all gave me some light on a really dark day. :) :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919157 Tue, 22 Sep 2020 09:43:05 +0000 graceandjoy 2919157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sending you love! You are getting really good advice and I commend you for taking a stand and doing what's needed to keep you and your daughter safe. Please do make sure someone can come get you/alert authorities if need be; someone needs to know ALL of what's going on. And def have some things packed in the car just in case, plus definitely start separating finances and what not, plus documenting everything. You can and will get through this!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919135 Mon, 21 Sep 2020 15:07:38 +0000 poppygirl15 2919135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: I hope everything’s okay and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wanted to add, you should look into protecting yourself financially. Even though you’re the breadwinner, you don’t want to blink and find he’s emptied your bank accounts. You should consult with a divorce attorney (or a shelter might have resources) about what your rights are in your state when it comes to separate/joint finances. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919130 Mon, 21 Sep 2020 13:04:54 +0000 jennlin821 2919130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is there any update? I've been worried... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919129 Mon, 21 Sep 2020 12:58:06 +0000 agold 2919129@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Please update! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919050 Wed, 16 Sep 2020 20:41:04 +0000 ALV91711 2919050@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just want to send you some virtual love and hugs. This is not an easy situation but getting you, your daughter and dog out of there is the best idea. You’ve gotten some good advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919047 Wed, 16 Sep 2020 13:43:00 +0000 JennyLayneAZ 2919047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: I hope you're ok OP :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919046 Wed, 16 Sep 2020 11:36:06 +0000 agold 2919046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: I agree. Contact a lawyer asap. If you can't afford one, go to the self help office at your local courthouse. Do it asap. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919045 Wed, 16 Sep 2020 10:39:33 +0000 hellobeeboston 2919045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. If you're planning on leaving him at some point anyway, I would probably start by reaching out to a lawyer now and getting advice on how best to proceed. I also worry for his reaction if you tell him you're taking your daughter/dog and leaving and how he might react. We know he is violent, so I can only imagine that will NOT go well.<br /> Stay safe, please let us know how you're doing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919041 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 20:38:43 +0000 wrkbrk 2919041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: I do agree with the advice you’ve gotten already about the potential fallout of telling him your plan. That being said, I wanted to reach out with the offer to help you find legal help if and when the time comes for a divorce (or, heaven forbid, restraining order or anything else). Just DM me and tell me your city and I’ll find you someone good through my work network. Sending love. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919040 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 20:05:33 +0000 Littlebit7 2919040@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this. </p> <p>I think you are past the point of an ultimatum. I can’t tell by your post how many times your spouse has been physically abusive, but if the number is greater than one, his chance is gone. If I was being brutally honest, his chance should have been gone when the verbal abuse turned physical. Why does he even deserve an olive branch? What do YOU deserve? You know your daughter doesn’t deserve this. Why should you? The longer you draw this out, the longer the opportunity for him to hurt you (and by extension, your daughter). </p> <p>My sister is currently in an abusive relationship and refuses to leave. She cannot see another path nor does she think she deserves one. YOU realize you have options and that this isn’t normal. Please leave him. Document the shit out of this and tell your daughter the full story in 20 years. She will be proud of you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919036 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 14:54:10 +0000 winter_wonder 2919036@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So many good suggestions from others. I am just chiming in to say I agree with them and hope you are safe. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm glad to hear you have supportive and family members to lean on right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919034 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 14:36:16 +0000 agold 2919034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Please document everything. Sit down today and write every single thing he has done down with dates and details. Take pictures of any bruises he leaves on your arms or wherever else, holes in the wall, any other evidence of violence, anger, destruction. You will need to have this evidence for a custody battle. I hope it doesn't get to that. Only you know the threat he poses. I'm so sorry. Be smart and safe. And yes, please update here. Maybe send someone a private message with your name and info. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919031 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 13:37:43 +0000 jennlin821 2919031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sending love and support to you. </p> <p>Echoing what other have said, I think that giving a vague ultimatum will at best achieve no results and at worst create a VERY DANGEROUS situation. </p> <p>1) I would tell at least one family member that you are concerned for your physical safety.<br /> 2) I would pack up yourself , daughter &amp; dog and have a friend/family member with you when you talk to him. Better if your daughter is already elsewhere. You need to be out of reach for a bit after you give him the ultimatum - he can't know where you are.<br /> 3) I would give him specifics in the ultimatum:<br /> - you, daughter &amp; dog are leaving for your safety<br /> - you want this work out, but here are the first few steps he is required to take. For example, he needs to see a psychologist, get into anger management counseling and the two of you will start marriage counseling.<br /> - if you don't have a place you/daughter/dog can stay long term, then he needs to move out until serious progress has been made. </p> <p>all of this needs to be said in very calm, factual tones - without discussion. If you don't trust yourself or him to do this, write it down or do it over the phone. This will be the safest way, and I recommend it. </p> <p>He may be able to come back from this, however right now YOU ARE IN DANGER. YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER. </p> <p>Do not stay in that house<br /> Do not be alone with your husband<br /> Do not leave your daughter alone with your husband</p> <p>Please give us an update tomorrow, we will all be worrying about you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919029 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 12:40:08 +0000 MrsSCB 2919029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First, I am so deeply sorry. You deserve so much better. I think leaving sounds like a good idea, but I agree with the others that I'm very concerned about your safety! Do you know of any local domestic violence resources you could reach out to in order to get some help or advice? Alternatively, you may be able to contact police to have an officer escort when you leave, just in case. Not really sure if that's possible, but it's worth a try. While it isn't local, you can also call the national domestic violence hotline or even chat with someone on their website. They may be able to help you make a plan to leave in a safe way. Please update us if you can, and know we are all behind you and wishing you the best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919028 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 12:34:05 +0000 kiddosc 2919028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I will echo what others have said as well. I would not plan to stay in the house when you deliver this ultimatum. I would at least check into an undisclosed hotel for the week and have the conversation with him over the phone. The period of time where an abuser is confronted and presented with the possibility of losing their relationship is often the most dangerous time for victims. I would really encourage you to allow him to process this news while you and your daughter are in a safe space and to tell one trusted person in your life what is happening in full. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919027 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 12:31:39 +0000 bees_knees 2919027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Please also reach out to a local women’s shelter or a victim advocate. They can anonymously help you with a safety plan. Please PLEASE have a safety plan—whether you think you need one right now or now, it is good to have one. </p> <p>Thinking of you. What you are doing is so brave ❤️ Please keep us updated so we know you are safe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919026 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 12:30:22 +0000 jhd 2919026@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: your post brought tears to my eyes. i am so sorry for what you are experiencing. you, your daughter, and your dog need to feel safe at all times in your home. i agree with PP that you should reach out to family, a friend, or someone locally who can help you to be safe. sending so much love. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919025 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 11:37:14 +0000 peaches1038 2919025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Echoing the others about your safety when you talk to him. At the very least, I would let someone know what time you are going to talk to him so they can either plan to call you or drive by or something to check on you. I would also document the abuse as best you can in case there is a custody battle down the road. Thinking of you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919024 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 10:50:33 +0000 erinbaderin 2919024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have the same concerns as the others - if you know you can't trust him to react well to things, I would fear that giving him this ultimatum would set him off and create a dangerous situation. Would you consider instead leaving and setting some requirements that you need to see before being open to reconciling? Like you want to see him in therapy, both individual and couples, etc? </p> <p>If you're not ready to do that, I'd encourage you to reach out to the people in your family or friends who are aware of the verbal abuse and let them know about the escalation to physical abuse, just so you have somebody available who is up to speed on the full extent of your situation.</p> <p>I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You haven't let yourself down, you're doing what you need to to protect yourself, your daughter, and your dog, which doesn't sound silly, pets are family too. Please be careful, be safe, and be kind to yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919022 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 10:24:39 +0000 mrswin 2919022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous2: I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. While I know you think telling him that you will take your daughter and the dog may help him realize what is happening my concern would be that he would feel threatened and could hurt you. I'm not sure where you are located but please see if you can find a women's shelter in your area - most have counselors on staff who can help you figure out the safest way to leave and will know what other resources are available. I am putting a couple links below in case there is anything that might help<br /> <a href="https://www.thehotline.org/blog/get-help-today/" rel="nofollow">https://www.thehotline.org/blog/get-help-today/</a><br /> <a href="https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh" rel="nofollow">https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919021 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 09:55:19 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2919021@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I am not coming from a place of experience but the first thing that occurred to me when I read your plans to give him an ultimatum is "what if that sets him off and he hurts you?" Given what you've already experienced and what you saw last night, I would really encourage you to get away now and talk to him on neutral ground - a therapist, a family member, etc, something that would give you the ability to say what you need to say without fear of being hurt. Sending you lots of love and luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919020 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 09:42:30 +0000 Mommy Finger 2919020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. And I'm proud of you for realizing that you deserve better. I know that it is much easier said than done but I agree that with @foodiebee: separating yourself and your daughter might be the best move now so that he can truly see what he's done and give him the opportunity to change. Can you go stay with your family for awhile? I'm also worried that something might escalate. Please stay safe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919019 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 09:09:21 +0000 foodiebee 2919019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My heart hurts so much for you. I'm grateful that you've reached out for support. I know that you say you want to give him the ultimatum/warning, but you also acknowledge that you're not certain he can change. Separating yourself and your daughter and dog from a dangerous situation can allow him the opportunity to recognize the cost of his actions and provide him the space he needs to heal if he chooses to do so. It also would allow you and your daughter a safe space to heal while he undertakes that journey. Giving him another opportunity/chance to hurt you feels like drawing a metaphorical line in the sand and waiting for him to cross it, rather than recognizing that he already *has*. The line *always* existed. At least, that's how I think about it, but I am not in your shoes and not having to navigate this. I hope I'm not applying more pressure! I'm just very, very worried for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919018 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 08:32:43 +0000 Jess1483 2919018@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t have any advice, but I’m sending you many gentle internet hugs. Please reach out if I/we can provide any support. You are a strong, brave, and good Mama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-help#post-2919017 Tue, 15 Sep 2020 08:26:01 +0000 Anonymous2 2919017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m a long time user on this site but don’t feel comfortable posting under my usual user name. </p> <p>It is with a heavy heart that I write this post and reach out for support and maybe some advice on this site. I know it’s gotten quiet over the years but I really need some help and and am hoping for some much needed support. </p> <p>My DH has become abusive over the last year. Mostly verbal but sometimes physical. I’ve forgiven him and stood by his side because I’ve believed in him because I see the good in him. </p> <p>We had a bad argument last night - over stuff - as in a physical object. He threatened me and when I backed down because he threatened to hurt me - the look on his face was indescribable. He had won and he was proud and it showed. It took me time to realize what was going on but I am so crushed - not just the threat but his reaction to shutting me down. </p> <p>I’m going to tell him today that I’m done with being afraid of him. I’m done with him hurting me. And I’m saying this because I am done. For myself and also for my daughter - because I won’t allow her to grow up in a home where her mom is afraid of her dad when he’s had a bad day. I won’t allow her to grow up afraid of the people she should be able to trust to nurture and love her - no matter what. So I’m going to tell him if he threatens me with harm or harms me ever again - I’m walking away and taking our daughter and dog with me. And I’m not looking back. </p> <p>I know it’s the right thing. Some might say I should leave now - maybe they are right, honestly I don’t know. But I want him to know the line I’m setting and if he doesn’t change his recent behavior (no he absolutely has not been like this most of the time we’ve been together) - he is choosing the ending. </p> <p>Important members of my family are aware of this situation (the verbal abuse only though) and would drop everything to help me if I needed it. So I’m not alone. But I feel like this is my decision to make and I have to make the best one - not just for me but for my daughter and even as silly as it sounds, my dog. I feel like I can’t talk to them right now and just need the anonymity of this blog to talk. I also have the advantage of being the breadwinner so I’m not in any way financially dependent on him - I say that to be clear it’s not money keeping me by his side during this time - it’s been love, hope and faith. I’m just not certain he can change - he has such anger inside him and he’s turned it on me lately. </p> <p>Sigh. I just feel so sad and hurt. And feeling like I’ve let myself down as I’ve let it get to this stage where I’d become a victim of abuse. I never thought I’d be in this situation. </p> <p>Thanks ladies, for letting me share and for your support over the years. :heart: </p>