https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 18:53:18 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2863551 Tue, 25 Dec 2018 16:30:23 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2863551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Iced Tea: thanks for taking the time to write all this. I have actually done that before, having a friend with kids come over. Unfortunately it’s not an option this time. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862947 Thu, 20 Dec 2018 10:29:35 +0000 Iced Tea 2862947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I don't know how helpful I will be, but we've experienced something very similar. My husband travels A LOT for work, usually 10-14 days at a time, leaving all his parenting tasks to me alone (we don't have family to help). He was traveling more than usual; I was especially burnt out when he told me he was thinking of going on another, last minute, OPTIONAL work trip for 12 days. I refused, stating that I haven't yet recovered from the last trip, so NO, an optional trip is not in the cards right now. He booked it anyway. I was furious. I know how you feel. The money is already spent, so you don't want to say to cancel it, but you know it's going to be a huge burden on you at a particularly bad time. </p> <p>Here is what we did. I invited my friend from another city to come visit while he was away (luckily she works from home, so it was possible). We bitched about it, enjoyed food and wine, all of which improved my ability to cope. When he came home, I announced that I was going to use all those airline miles he's accrued to take a solo vacation to recharge. I was actually too nice about it; I planned it to happen during a rare visit from his parents, who live overseas. I called up a friend who lives in a far-away city and suggested a visit. I used his airline miles to pay for a few nights at a swanky resort, and had a great visit with my friend, exploring her city and eating great food. </p> <p>Since the budget is tight, see if you can use miles. If that won't work, he needs to take responsibility for cutting some of HIS expenses to free up some money for you to go, since it's essentially his choices that led to you not getting a recharge opportunity. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862865 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:49:22 +0000 Silva 2862865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: suggest a trial run? See if he will agree to three sessions, and let the therapist know from the start that he is reluctant. If he’s more open to individual, he could start there to help demystify the process? Let him choose the therapist, particularly if he has a gender preference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862863 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 21:42:45 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862863@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: do you have any suggestions for ways to convince someone reluctant to go to counseling? </p> <p>@looch: Yup I think subconsciously he also needs a break from the every day grind which I totally understand. So yeah absolutely back to basics communication.</p> <p> @Pollywog: I would characterize it as performance anxiety related, which has been an ongoing struggle, so I was mostly able to get past it. And it is a cousin that he does keep in touch with. I think it would have been forgiven because of the distance but he really didn't want to miss out. But yes...me time as soon as he gets back.</p> <p>@DesertDreams88: We don't have family nearby which is why I instituted our own winter family vacation since in the summer we go to our families. But that's cool that you have that set up! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862822 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 18:28:32 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Update- we had the first part of this conversation and DH was very apologetic and agreed he didn't do this the right way. He also wants to make it up to me in whatever way I can think of. And I haven't left him with all three for any extended period of time, so that's on the docket.<br /> We are still due to continue the conversation about this summer...but that one is much longer, and we have very little time in the day when the kids are not around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862721 Wed, 19 Dec 2018 09:17:26 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2862721@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I would be pissed too. Three kids on an international flight by yourself, followed by him just deciding he's going away for five days on vacation but sorry, no money for you so you get to stay home with the kids.. F that. When you have three kids, just no! (It would be rude regardless of the number of kids but I must admit since having multiple kids I would have less patience for this behavior!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862562 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 19:53:07 +0000 lamariniere 2862562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. I get it. I think at this point what’s done is done, but I would insist on planning a true family vacation for your next break. Vacations are important and vital to us too, so I would also be peeved if my DH did the same things yours did. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862538 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 18:10:04 +0000 Mrsbells 2862538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I would be furious! Theres so many issues here. Sorry to say this but based on your post he sounds a bit inconsiderate and selfish especially since you have 3 kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862512 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 15:36:46 +0000 DesertDreams88 2862512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah I wouldn't be cool with this. </p> <p>My husband has only taken 2 solo trips, both we agreed were in the budget, and both only happened because we made sure there were family supports for me here (My parents flew out to help with the kids for one, and his parents were here during another). </p> <p>In August and October next year we each have weddings to go to separately and so we are each taking a kid with us. His family will be around to help him, and my parents will be around to help me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862499 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 15:01:27 +0000 Pollywog 2862499@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd be really annoyed. Two questions, why did he drop out of the course? Is it because he couldn't do the course material or because he found it boring? I'd feel really differently if he just wasn't able to do the material versus never really trying.</p> <p>Second, how close of a family member is it? Is this his sister or a distant cousin? Is this a wedding that it would be reasonably okay to skip?</p> <p>I'd be annoyed about the process. I wouldn't be okay with him making the decision without me. But given that the decision has been made, I'd ask him how he was going to make this okay. I'd state it something like this: "I'm not okay that our family trip was changed this year for a course you dropped out of. It left me to solo parent away from home which is way harder than at home. It also meant we don't have funds to take a trip this fall. Lastly, in annoyed you booked this trip without discussing it with me. This puts all of the burden of drop offs, pick ups, meal prep, and cleaning on me. Once again, I'm going to be extremely burnt out at a time I've already said I need a break. So, how are we going to fix this?". And appropriate response would be to look at the budget and find a family vacation you can afford (a hotel with a pool at a minimum) and agreement that he will take on a lot of the load when you get back and you can have "me time,". So I'd expect him to do drop off and pick up so you could make up hours at work and a 4 hour block the following weekend where you could get your nails done and eat lunch alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862491 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 14:20:19 +0000 cake2017 2862491@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: Absolutely, I’m sure he’s a loving person overall but somethings just need to be discussed. From your post it just sounds like he did what worked best for him and not the whole family- minus communicating. I’m sure you two can discuss this and get passed it though. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862490 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 14:11:52 +0000 Foodnerd81 2862490@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be really pissed too. And I’ll echo the others that Jim going to a family wedding isn’t unreasonable- it totally sucks for you, but sometimes it’s still the right move. I have no idea how close he is to this person or anything. My DH travels often for work and tacked on a long weekend to attend a family wedding- it super sucked because he was away for ten days straight while I was home with the two kids and no help, but we talked about it ahead of time and agreed it was important to him and his family. Had he just gone ahead and booked it after I said I didn’t want him to, I’d be furious. </p> <p>I hope you can come to a resolution and he can understand why this is so upsetting! And that you get a serious break! </p> <p>I am in a similar boat where DH is fine with the idea of me taking a trip solo, but I don’t want to go on vacation alone, I want to do it with him or with a really good friend. I am actually looking into a weekend away with a friend, just need to actually do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862487 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 14:04:16 +0000 looch 2862487@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is pretty bad at self care, so I try to look at things that help him to feel comfortable and also fulfill other roles in his life...he's not only a husband and a father, he is also someone's son, brother, friend, etc. He also recognizes that I have other roles as well. We've also come to the point where we don't have to do everything together or as a family unit, we are okay with doing things separately as long as the other person is supportive. This requires communication and I feel that sometimes, we need to go back to the basics and remember how we inform our partners based on how we would want to be informed.</p> <p>I try not to get angry, what's done is done in this case, but the discussion would for sure be around why this isn't acceptable going forward and what our expectations are. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862473 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 13:45:23 +0000 nana87 2862473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh no way! it feels like he's thinking of himself as an individual rather than part of the family unit, and making the assumption that the kids are primarily your responsibility. That kind of assumption definitely wouldn't be okay with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862472 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 13:44:23 +0000 Silva 2862472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd be pissed and the two instances together would have me requiring couples counseling. They are both pretty significant examples of not working as a team, not communicating well, etc.<br /> I'm a therapist and had a client who was also in couples counseling with his partner. His partner booked a trip by herself and didn't tell him about it until 5 days before she was leaving for a week (they have two children). Obviously its not the same situation as yours, but my response to my client was "that doesn't sound like the behavior of someone who is actively trying to save her marriage." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862469 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 13:36:25 +0000 alphagam84 2862469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be pissed if my husband did that, not okay at all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862468 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 13:10:04 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862468@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gestalt: a flight for one person is a lot less than for 5...</p> <p>@Anagram: In the summer, he did try to make it up to me by doing a bunch of house projects and errands before we got back. So he wasn't lounging around. And yeah three kids. We don't really go on extravagant vacations so our primary cost is usually flights. And the thing is, that I've done plenty of solo parenting before so it's not that big of a deal. I think it's really just how inconsiderate this whole thing is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862467 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:45:14 +0000 Anagram 2862467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: Just curious. When he dropped the class and was home while you were away with the kids, what was he doing?</p> <p>You guys have 3 kids, right? So if he's gone for 5 days, you have all 3 to yourself 24/7? But at the same time, he's said you can't afford a family vacation. None of that would fly with me, especially not the part where he made a decision after you'd said you were against and and that you needed to talk about it. That's a huge violation to me.</p> <p>I think you need to tell him you've just booked a 5 day trip by yourself, and he'll have the 3 kids to himself in that time period. A vacation for just you will be way cheaper than a whole family vacation--you can even just go visit a friend and relax and not be on mom duty for 5 days. But you need to book it, 100%. Or he needs to go to counseling. I don't know, to me, my spouse booking a trip (no matter what the reason) without running it by me first is a huge violation. I don't think my husband would ever do it. He also wouldn't stand for it if I tried a stunt like that. </p> <p>There have been a couple of instances when DH's guy friends had a big (and expensive) trip at times that were really inconvenient for us. One year specifically was going to be a hiking trip in Colorado (so flight, hotels, rental car, specialty hiking equipment) exactly the 2nd week after I returned to work after having LO #2. We had just hired a nanny and had already planned to tighten our belts a little.</p> <p>I just let him know the timing was extremely bad (me returning to work and me being up several times a night with a baby, and me having to wrangle a toddler and this baby in the mornings and evenings because our nanny only worked the hours I was at work, me having to pump and pack school lunches and wash bottles), but that I wasn't going to tell him no. I just said that however much time he took away, and however much money he spent--I would book an equal trip for myself, and it would be within a couple of months of his trip.</p> <p>Well then he panicked--he didn't think we had enough money for TWO trips, and he didn't think he could work AND take care of the kids. Needless to say, he didn't go on the trip, and I didn't go on my solo trip, and we used that money to take a small family vacation that year. And that was a good decision for that time period. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862466 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:40:04 +0000 gestalt 2862466@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: ah okay, I understand. But seriously, you have every right to be mad (I’m actually so upset reading your post). Really what you wanted was a family trip together in the winter. And he felt you guys couldn’t because of his mistake (which still has to be addressed). Now as a half gesture, he says you can go somewhere...but with what money? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862461 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:20:57 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862461@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: @crazydoglady: @muffinsmuffins: Thanks for the solidarity in my rage. In some weird internet way it is definitely helping!</p> <p>@MrsSCB: Yeah I was thinking I need to book something. Even if we have to push it back a bit, having something fun to look forward to would definitely help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862460 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:19:51 +0000 Mama Bird 2862460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd make him bring the kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862457 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:04:32 +0000 MrsSCB 2862457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I get that! Sometimes feelings about certain issues can linger without even realizing it, and then rear up again later. I know it happens to me. I would absolutely feel hurt about him making the plans without coming to a resolution together. I hope he can be understanding of that. It's not necessarily about *what* he wanted to do, but the way he went about it, if that makes sense.</p> <p>ETA: This just occurred to me: would it help at all if you got to plan some kind of solo travel you could do (if you want to)? That doesn't solve the issue of him booking without your agreement, but it does seem fair that if he gets a fun trip, you should get to do something, too. I know you don't want to spend a ton of money, but even staying at a hotel local to you for some time alone or with a friend might be nice and help you recharge a little? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862456 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 12:00:38 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: Thank you for this! You are totally right about the wedding being a one-time affair. I know we are due for a talk and this is helping me clarify why I am so upset.</p> <p>@cake2017: It's interesting to me you use the word selfish but I guess that's what it is. DH is actually about the least selfish person I know. He is always taking everyone into consideration. I guess that's why this situation is so hard for me right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862454 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:53:09 +0000 MrsSCB 2862454@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: well, sure, I think this depends on your general dynamics..."I don't want to solo parent for five days" isn't necessarily a reason for someone to not be able to go to an event that's really important to them. I don't think wanting to go to a wedding of someone you're close to is inherently some kind of affront to the immediate family unit, or an unreasonable request. But then my husband and I have both traveled alone, so I don't feel like either one of us is taking advantage. If that's the case, that certainly changes things. And again I'm not impressed by him booking it himself without agreement, so there very well may be more issues at play. Regardless, I think the root of the issue is resentment over the professional course keeping them from going on the family vacation. Which is understandable. My point was that the desire/request to go to the wedding itself is not unreasonable, but the circumstances surrounding it are what make it unreasonable. I think that's a valid distinction. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862453 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:49:06 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 2862453@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok thank you all for validating me. I just needed to gage whether this was as bad as I feel it is or I was totally off base. </p> <p>@MamaBear87: Yup I know we need to talk (again). I've just been feeling so rage-y that I'm not in the frame of mind to actually listen, which is half of having a conversation...</p> <p>@gestalt: The 5 days is because of the travel time...he will really only be there for 3. And yes he knows I am upset. I told him on the spot and he sort of half apologized for not telling me, but not for going on a trip we had agreed not to go on.<br /> He offered that I could go somewhere by myself too. But I personally don't really enjoy traveling by myself and all my friends are at the stage of babies and little kids so we haven't been able to coordinate anything. </p> <p>@bhbee: Yeah the whole paying for just him is annoying but I don't think it was malicious. They just didn't think of the implications on the rest of us. And DH was like, well if someone else is paying I should go. I did challenge him to figure out a way to make it up to me. But honestly, I'm not even really sure what he could do at this point. </p> <p>@snowjewelz: Yes you are totally right about summer issue not being resolved. :/ We sort of got past it because of the busyness of life, but I think I still feel some underlying resentment about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862450 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:40:22 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2862450@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just reading the TLDR part made me mad for you, so when I read the details I was like ooooh hell no. Yeah totally unfair and warranting major discussion. I would be super pissed. You guys should have a big chat about this and I think you now get to have your own weekend/5 day away trip of your choosing to make up for this nonsense...is that petty ha?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862449 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:38:40 +0000 crazydoglady 2862449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: Same.</p> <p>This sentence makes my blood boil "So last week, DH brings up this wedding again, and says he's thinking of going anyway, that we should talk about it."<br /> This is more than just first world problems, your husband is being selfish IMHO and needs to be addressed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862448 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:35:06 +0000 cake2017 2862448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Baby Boy Mom: I’m very sorry you have to put up with this. It’s something I feel should be deeply discussed to include last summer. Sorry to say but DH sounds selfish and I think it’s something you should express. I hope it’s reaolved quickly and fairly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862447 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:33:38 +0000 erinbaderin 2862447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m furious reading this, so yeah, I definitely don’t think you’re out of line to be upset.</p> <p>I also disagree with @mrsscb: - I get the point, but just because you don’t have to pay for it and it’s a wedding doesn’t mean he should get to go. He needs to balance the needs of his immediate family first, and he opted not to do that - he put himself and what he wanted to do ahead of what his wife and family wanted/needed, and that’s not fair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/needing-some-perspective#post-2862444 Mon, 17 Dec 2018 11:26:40 +0000 MrsSCB 2862444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there are a few issues at play here. He was absolutely wrong to book the trip without coming to a resolution with you. Not ok. However, I do think that if it's a wedding for a member of his family, and that family member wants him there enough to pay for his ticket, then he should have been able to go. I know, it sucks to be the one left behind. My husband has traveled twice in the past two weeks, and one of those was five nights. For work, but still, trust me--I know being the solo parent is HARD. And the five-day trip was for a conference that was voluntary. </p> <p>Anyway, it's not like he just wanted to go off to randomly party or something, it's for a wedding, presumably a one-time affair for that person. I get the sense that feelings of resentment over the professional course spending may be coloring your view on the whole picture, and that is totally understandable. It sounds like you still need to work through that issue. All that being said, I'll reiterate again that despite the fact I think he should have been allowed to go to the wedding, I do NOT think it's acceptable to book a trip like that without you on board. </p>