https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 05:55:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730638 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 15:20:53 +0000 Mama Bird 1730638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry that's going on. It sounds very draining. I suppose you do need to tell him straight-up how hard this is on you. Sometimes our SOs aren't good at reading our cues, even when we feel we're drowning. But I don't know if it's worth the result... I tried to tell DH I needed help when I was overstressed and in a very bad place, and he did not get it at all. I only managed to get it across to him how bad things were months later, when we were both more rested. So no advice, just hugs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730569 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 14:19:26 +0000 MamaG 1730569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This makes me think of a comment my OB made to me while pregnant with my first. At one of the very few appointments that my DH wasn't at, she really counseled me on our relationship and parenting plans. I told her that I was really concerned about us sharing responsibility, particularly in the middle of the night. I told her I thought DH was up to it, but that was my one area of concern. Her words still haunt me!</p> <p>She told me that we (her and I) had similar controlling personalities and that I was unlikely to allow my DH to handle things. I would need to learn to let go and let my DH do things. I would need to learn/accept that his way of doing things was different than mine but as long as LO was safe, it didn't matter.</p> <p>I'm not saying this 100% applies in your case, but I think it's worth taking a step back and seeing if this applies. </p> <p>In the first year, I did most of the care for LO. I didn't ask for help. I resented DH. But then I realized that some of my resentment wasn't justified in that I created my own misery. Almost 3 years later, we are much more equal. And with a second on the way, I fully expect to bear most of the care for the baby. But this time I expect him to care more for our older LO. Newborn/baby bonding was tough for my DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730526 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 13:34:06 +0000 Ree723 1730526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man, that is so tough, I'm sorry. I echo PPs in saying this is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed, stat. But it also needs to be done when you are both relatively rested and in a calm head space. Do you have anyone nearby that can watch E so you and DH can go out for an evening? Maybe trying to talk some of this through calmly over a dinner out will wake your DH up a bit. If not, I'd set up a counselling appointment, tell him the date time, and location, and let him know you expect to see him there for your sake, his sake, the sake of your marriage, and most importantly, E's sake. </p> <p>What he has been doing is completely unacceptable, selfish, and just piss poor husband/father behaviour. Something has got to give, and it isn't going to be from your end of things. You have carried more than your fair share for too long and he needs to step up and start acting like a responsible adult. Big hugs to you lady, I hope it gets better soon. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730500 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 12:58:10 +0000 birdofafeather 1730500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @wonderstruck: that talking it out with a mediator/counselor would help. I don't think your DH gets the severity of what you're feeling and how it effects both you and E. The situation isn't sustainable and you need to have a serious conversation that can't be interrupted by the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730497 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 12:56:38 +0000 MoonMoon 1730497@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry for this frustrating situation! I agree that this dynamic is screaming for a third party- counseling or therapy of some sort. You guys have fallen into bad patterns and need to get out. Also I'm just an internet stranger but...did he not realize that having a baby would entail a decrease in sleep? I can't comprehend parents who act like this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730443 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 11:54:22 +0000 kml636 1730443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>UGH. I'm so sorry. My DH is also a total drama queen about sleep. One day when you are both calm I would try to talk to him about it, thank him for when he does get up w/her but tell him you need more HELP without just putting the paci in her mouth and cursing at her... Hopefully if you can do it in a way where he doesn't get defensive it will sink in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730404 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 11:06:31 +0000 Zbug 1730404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry. I don't really have much to say besides I hope you and your DH get a chance to have a long, honest talk about what is going on. Having a baby and dealing with lack of sleep is so stressful. You deserve to have him be a team player. Maybe if he's too frustrated during the night, he could take her for a few hours every Sunday afternoon so you could nap? Still not fair to you, but perhaps better than what's happening now. Good luck and big hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730375 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 10:18:19 +0000 Mrs tartan 1730375@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: I totally agree with everything you say, I live by the moto of "pick your battles" so DH and I don't often argue or fall out, I let the little things slide. This I think is worth the fight, you sound like you need space. If I were you I honestly would tell DH exactly how I feel, pack up LO and go stay in a hotel or with friends/family for a night or two.<br /> You sound exhausted and need a break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730342 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 09:33:38 +0000 mrbee 1730342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's a little scary that he's regularly losing his temper while on baby duty! Do you feel safe when he's watching your LO? If you have any doubts, the first thing I'd do is make sure he's watched the shaken baby videos... and that you both agree that if anyone gets upset, they will ask the other parent to take over.</p> <p>Beyond that, I agree with @prettylizy: that he's being trained on how to get back to bed! If you feel safe with him watching your LO, then I would turn on some white noise in your room and not leave it while he does daddy duty. He will get better at it over time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730315 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:41:40 +0000 prettylizy 1730315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. You've set up the expectation that if/when he throws a tantrum you will come to his rescue. </p> <p>I would definitely address this with him, but not when you are angry, anger will lead to hurtful statements that you might not sincerely mean. Maybe putting your feelings down on paper would help you sort them out.</p> <p>One big point that I would make with him is that he IS capable, and if you werent there he would make it work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730307 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:31:20 +0000 wonderstruck 1730307@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, you guys sound like you need counseling. I don't mean that in an insulting way - I've done it and it's worked wonders! Because he's being an inconsiderate ass about this, and this type of issue can easily build up resentment and overflow into other parts of parenting. It's setting up a horrible standard for how the two of you parent and communicate about all of this. I wouldn't even make it optional - my DH hated the idea of counseling too, but I made the appointment and told him when it was, and that I know he doesn't like it or think that it's necessary or whatever, but to please just do this for me - humor me and give it a try. It wasn't magic and did take time, but it helped a lot. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730299 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:16:02 +0000 Dandelion 1730299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want to shove him out of bed and tell him to get up and help you like a grown up.</p> <p>But, I think it'll be a better idea if you talk to him. :) :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730295 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:08:51 +0000 Ra 1730295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with PPs. I know you have to pick and choose your battles, but this is one battle I would choose to fight. I understand that he has medical issues, but it seems like he is using them as an excuse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730266 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 07:18:20 +0000 MamaMoose 1730266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really don't think "there's no point in talking about it" is a good way to address issues in a marriage. Being resentful and letting it boil up isn't going to do anyone any good. Your husband is being incredibly selfish. If he refuses to see that I would come up with some sort of tracking system so he can plainly see how much more work you are doing. I know that sounds petty but you've got to come up with some way to impress upon him that things have got to be more even. I have always found it very concerning that he didn't step up to the plate when you were suffering from PPD. I would definitely suggest working these issues out completely before adding another child to the picture. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730262 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 07:14:27 +0000 T.H.O.U. 1730262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's got to be addressed but not in the middle of the night. Te hardest thing for us was learning that before bed each night we had a game plan for wake ups that we both agreed to. Usually I volunteered for the first wake up but then told him he needed to get up with her after that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730253 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 06:53:47 +0000 oliviaoblivia 1730253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. He's being an ass.<br /> You stepped up and did all the care when he was sick and needed you, and he can't return the favor? </p> <p>Being harsh with a baby is ridiculous. She's a baby! </p> <p>I'm with Mae, you need to have this one out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730250 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 06:43:41 +0000 AprilFool 1730250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's a hard situation but if it were me I would march upstairs and make him get up. I agree with @Mae: that this a fight you need to have. It's not fair to you or E. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730246 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 06:41:02 +0000 travelgirl1 1730246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:sad: I'm sorry, that sounds frustrating. I kind of understand you doing all the night stuff when you were on mat leave and with his health issues BUT, what I think is out off order, is that he didn't step up when you had PPD. He really should have gone over and above there, like you did for him. And now, honestly, there is no excuse. It sounds like a difficult subject to broach with him because you're both resentful (and tired!!!) about it, but it know you guys are thinking of #2 (yay!) so I would try talk about that with him. As in, how would he handle a second baby's wakings? Will it all fall on you again? Is he actually capable of changing? Maybe not. Because E will still wake up sometimes, then there will be double the pressure and he can't just swear and fall into the crib every time! Good luck, I hope you get some rest soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730221 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 06:05:34 +0000 looch 1730221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your descriptions are very colorful, you've got that going for you at least!</p> <p>Honestly, I don't think your husband's personality is going to change. I think part of it is nerves and anxiety, which may mean you will have to deal with "the big stuff" all of the time. I know because I am the anxious one in my marriage.</p> <p>Does your husband have any dad friends he can hang out with/talk to? Maybe he needs to see other dads in action? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730215 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 05:44:31 +0000 Foodnerd81 1730215@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: that sounds so frustrating and difficult. It sounds like he is being incredibly unfair to you. I tend to agree with @Mae: that this is an issue that's worth fighting over. You can't go on like this, for your own health and sanity, but also for your marriage. Ad he wants to try for another one soon? I just feel like something has to give or the resentment will grow and grow. </p> <p>And I'm sorry you are having such a rough time wth the teeth. C too, though it sounds like not quite as bad. We got home late, she went to bed late, and woke up an hour early. I can see she's still tired it won't go back to sleep so mommy of the year is laying on the couch letting her play while I rest / hellobee. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730199 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 04:10:40 +0000 nana87 1730199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be so, so frustrated if I were you! It isn't fair for him to act like that, and make you be the only one responsible for her care. Especially since you just started a new job!</p> <p>I don't have any advice but i know a bit of what that frustration feels like. I do all the motn wake ups now for similar reasons-- I'm on mat leave and dh works. plus I nurse plus supplement and pump after feeding her so I'd be up anyway, so it makes sense to let him sleep, esp on weekdays. But, truthfully, I still get resentful (and it was my idea for him to sleep!). He makes up the balance in other ways-- he Does the cooking,grocery shopping, laundry, dog walking, etc, but I do at least 80% of nbaaby care Aaand I love it but it annoys the crap out of me when dh won't take her for 5 mins when I need to shower or something (he works from home so he's always here), and that he still takes time for himself (nights out w friends occasionally, and he goes to the gym like 5 days/week-- hard to complain when he's being healthy, but I don't ever get to go!) I do tell him when he needs to step it up and help me more, and he's usually responsive rather than defensive, but I do still get frustrated. And sleep deprived! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730198 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 04:05:49 +0000 Mae 1730198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Some things are worth having the big fight about. Not a ton of things, but some things. And this is one of them IMO. The biggest thing I noted is how you said he gets really easily frustrated with DD and is all dramatic when she... ya know... acts like a baby (which she is). I've recently had a similar issue with my DH. Our LO is only 6 weeks old but he has SO little patience with her sometimes. He is having a really hard time with the crying and with her being a newborn, generally. And when she is flipping the hell out for no reason and he has her, I've heard him say things like "oh my god SHUT UP" which bothers me an awful incredibly lot because you can't yell at a baby for being a baby. We've now had several talks about this where I basically told him he needs to grow up and realize that she is a child and not doing this to piss him off but just because SHE'S A CHILD and he needs to suck it up and not be so frustrated by it. I've told him if he genuinely is at wit's end and can't react calmly to her then he needs to get me to relieve him because I won't tolerate him being pissy with her. But that also he needs to seriously work on calming down with her irrationality. (And he's trying). </p> <p>So thats the first thing I'd fight about. The second thing is the sleeping. If he pulls that "well you handle it better than me" bullshit I'd be like--- yea because i HAVE TO because you refuse to help! How is it fair that he gets to sleep and you don't? Oh right, it ISN'T. </p> <p>Have the fight. Seriously.</p> <p>(ETA: As I'm typing this I'm downstairs pumping bc LO woke up hungry at 4:30 but then wigged the hell out and refused to nurse and had a complete meltdown, so DH has her and I'm pumping. And he's upstairs singing to her nicely. So I do think that this is a fixable issue!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730197 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 04:03:51 +0000 bookwormmama 1730197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I would be pissed. I think you have every right to be upset with his behavior. That is totally unfair :sad: </p> <p>I've read a couple of your posts and know your DH has some health problems. Can he take care of your daughter on his own? Is it possible to ship them both some place (like your IL's) or for you to get a hotel for a night so he takes more responsibility?</p> <p>I don't have great answers for you...that is a shitty situation. I hope you can find an answer to the problem. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730195 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 03:49:07 +0000 immabeetoo 1730195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: that sounds incredibly frustrating and I would have zero patience for your DHs antics. I'm really sorry- that isn't fair at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730190 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 03:10:40 +0000 Cherrybee 1730190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrain: Thank you. :heart: I hope you get back to sleep really quickly and you're blessed with an easy rest of the night. </p> <p>I'm just sensitive and grotty because I'm so tired. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730189 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 03:09:25 +0000 Cherrybee 1730189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. Now I'm ever grumpier. I put E down for her nap at 8am and got back into bed, where I fell asleep for the full 30 minutes she napped. Long story short, DH was dramaqueenerific about her waking him up again when she woke from said nap - THREE HOURS after I first got up with her. It's now 9.10am and I'm back downstairs with DD and he's still in bed. I'm so p1ssed off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730188 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 02:57:41 +0000 mrsrain 1730188@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Its the middle of the night and I'm nursing, so I am too tired to really respond with any reasonable advice. That said, I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are dealing with this. I can imagine how frustrated and exhausted you are. I hope somebody has some advice that will help!</p> <p>Take care :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/night-wakings-we-have-no-balance#post-1730179 Sun, 29 Jun 2014 01:47:57 +0000 Cherrybee 1730179@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm pretty upset with my husband this morning but the truth is my real anger dates back to the newborn days and I haven't yet dealt with my bitterness.....</p> <p>You see, my husband took sleeping pills for the first six months of LO's life. Yes, they were prescribed and they were for pain not for sleep issues but it's no co-incidence he stopped needing them once E started STTN more frequently. The exhaustion caused by dealing with all wakings - weekdays and weekends - directly contributed to my PPD. Even once PPD was diagnosed, he didn't start chipping in - after all, I was on maternity leave and he was working FT. DH would say things like "but you deal better with lack of sleep than me" and, while that may be true, I was drowning and he refused to see it. </p> <p>He came off the sleeping pills when I went back to work (E was almost 7 months and mostly STTN). Since then, we operate an informal take-it-in-turns system but here's the thing: DH is SO impatient with E - and has ridiculous accidents like stubbing his toe or dropping things, which result in huge temper tantrums (him, not E!). He gets up the put her dummy/paci back in, throwing himself back into bed dramatically, but if she requires a bit more he makes a performance of it and oh the mood he is in the next day......</p> <p>So I've been looking forward to this weekend for weeks. It's the first weekend in ages DH hasn't worked and I was looking forward to a much needed lie in on one of the two days (its tradition on these rare weekends for DH to take Saturday and me to take Sunday). Well, Friday night, our neighbours had a loud party until 3am, keeping us both awake (and woke LO twice). Then LO was up for the day at 5.50am and I got up with her. DH didn't stay in bed very long, really - he was up by 8am - and we were both grumpy all day. </p> <p>Then last night, E had a really, really bad night with her teeth. I got up at 1.30am so when she woke again at 2am it was DH's turn. He tried to pop her dummy back in but she cried harder - and I heard him hiss "Don't f#cking do this" so I leapt straight up and went to rescue him - I think it's important to recognise when the other person needs a rescue because they're too tired to care for E properly...... As I got into the room, DH slipped (on nothing) and fell into the cot. "I've hurt myself", he was wailing, and then flung himself back into bed like the drama queen he is. E was up for an hour this time, and again at 4am (me, again) and then was up for the day at 6am. DH got up, threw some toys in the cot with her then came back to bed. Half an hour of baby whining later, I gave up and got up with her. An hour and a half after that, DH is still in bed, with the duvet over his head. </p> <p>I'm so annoyed with him.... but I know that I'm mostly still angry about the sleeping pills thing. I don't know how to get over it (because there is no point talking about it - DH will just get defensive). I just feel like my needs are completely disregarded. All the time. :bummed: </p> <p>Ran over. </p>