https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 05 May 2026 09:21:04 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311403 Tue, 06 Oct 2015 06:51:28 +0000 Nutella 2311403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the advice to leave it and just do your own thing without worrying too much. I've learnt that friendships change so much as you get married, have babies, grow older...that you can't stress too much over friendships that fizzle. I had a friend who had a baby 6m after me in my hometown - I was so excited for the prospect of a close connection despite distance - but we are not close at all anymore! Whenever I go back its always this or that reason she can't hang out (always so busy etc), so one point I just ct my losses &amp; decided it wasn't worth the stress of worrying if I had upset her etc. Life is way too short! Plus family time is precious, so once babies enter the scene I think it's normal for friends to take a back seat. Sorry you guys are going through this though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311297 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 22:27:18 +0000 Greentea 2311297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hm. I don't (well, I try not to) take things like that personally. Maybe they already had plans for the pumpkin patch (?) Do you know what I mean? And everyone communicates differently, maybe they felt awkward because they already had the plan and they are not confrontational(?) </p> <p>I would try not to let fb and ig influence me, but then again I am not on those outlets because I think they cause ... potential for problems. Anyway, I have friends I don't see that often, but I just figure they have their own lives, and DH and I are busy and tend to do things just together as a family a lot of the time (with LO).</p> <p>I guess my approach to friendship is to choose people I really adore, then I guess those things don't bother me? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311280 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 21:54:10 +0000 youboots 2311280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: yup. This is what I thought.</p> <p>Sorry, it sounds like it's time to move on. If they miss you, you will hear from them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311274 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 21:49:03 +0000 meganmp 2311274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: I find this super interesting. I had this issue with a friend a little while ago, and it was really hurting me. I mentioned something to DH, who told me about an article he had read. It was about meeting people where they're at, and that sometimes this is just how the friendship works- there might be a person who always reaches out, and another who never does. It's not that the person doesn't want to be friends, it's just that is where they are at. It made me feel better, and has changed my perspective of my relationship with my non-reaching-out friend.</p> <p>ETA- I missed the birthday party thing at first. I change my original thought... seems like you should stop inviting them places. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311219 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 20:47:18 +0000 IRunForFun 2311219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd let it go. It sounds like, especially with the birthday party situation, they don't feel as close to you guys as you feel to them, or don't prioritize the friendship in the same way. Actions speak louder than words!</p> <p>I'd take the hint, because now whenever they do initiate/agree to get together, you'll be wondering if it's forced because you said something, and it could get awkward. If your husband reached out and they still don't make any changes, then it's time to accept it's time to let go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2311211 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 20:42:02 +0000 Mrs. Peanut 2311211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with previous posters. I would just stop inviting them. That way there is no hostility. They have already decided to cut themselves out, so there is no sense in putting forth the effort. If you decide to rekindle later, fine. Odds are that won't happen though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310828 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 12:06:55 +0000 nana87 2310828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BandDmommy: yeah! I mean, I do get it--they're both from the area plus went to college nearby, so all their friends from all periods of their lives are close plus family. And we live here because it's where I got into grad school and our family and friends are much more dispersed. so, we had like 30 people at our lo's first bday and included them (they actually came, haha), whereas they prob had waaay more than that. but it still sucks for dh, who clearly thought they were better friends than she did. and it sucks too because not many of our local friends do have kids (our 5 closest friends that are local are all single), so it'd be nice to have the kiddos play together (they're about 4 months apart in age). but most of their other friends do have kids </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310820 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:59:56 +0000 BandDmommy 2310820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: aww, that's a bummer. I'm sorry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310817 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:57:53 +0000 nana87 2310817@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BandDmommy: no, it was a lot of people. And it was at their house, so no like per-person charge at a venue. One of the pics they posted was of all the cases of wine and beer they'd bought before the party so we know it was a really big thing... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310813 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:56:07 +0000 BandDmommy 2310813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: was it just family at their LOs birthday? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310812 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:55:23 +0000 nana87 2310812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Bee: it seems like they make an effort with other people. but what you said about your friend who had family move nearby--that's totally them: they both have large families that are all local. so I do get that they have lots of family events and just not a lot of other time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310798 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:48:34 +0000 Mama Bird 2310798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've had a friendship that didn't make it as we changed, except I was the one trying to distance myself. And now I think an old friend is trying to step out of my life. Both times there was no conversation about "this is the end"... I just don't know what you can say really, it's not like you're going to sit down and tell the other person they're an awful friend! They're just being them, and you're just being you, and sadly one of you feels that you're not close any more. I think the conversation would be just as painful as letting the friendship fizzle.</p> <p>That said, maybe they're just struggling with little help from family and all the time and mental energy they have goes to each other and their LO. They might be more reachable when their child gets older! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310791 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:46:34 +0000 nana87 2310791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>you guys are all right that it's not worth bringing EVERYTHING up-- it is what it is, and like I wrote before, I'd be able to take it in stride if it was one of my friends, I just hate seeing dh feel hurt. I do think it's fair though to speak up about particular instances, and he did actually decide to email her today--sort of a "hey, we asked you about that and you never got back to us. what's up?" and she wrote back apologetic. so we'll see if anything changes. but it's funny though--this isn't the one thing that was the worst (worst was prob that they didn't invite us to their lo's first bday, but we know it was a really big thing bc of pics on ig...but that was a long time ago now and dh should have said something then but was too embarrassed to admit his feelings were hurt...)</p> <p> @Pumpkin Pie: he hadn't sent anything before like that--which is why i thought dh should say something today before totally writing them off (which he was about to do). </p> <p>@catomd00: @Anagram: that's totally true that a pumpkin patch is easier to manage with just one lo's schedule, and is a totally different thing when it's just a family event vs a bigger thnig. it's more that the farms are closer to where they live than where we are (we're in nyc, they're in the nj suburbs), so for us to go it's like going to their neighborhood, which is why we suggested it. </p> <p>@Purpledaisy: ugh that sucks! man, people just suck sometimes! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310786 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:44:03 +0000 snowjewelz 2310786@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've just slowly distance myself and let the friendship fizzle out. Most of these friendships are due to distance anyway; they were mostly friends I made from a old job and I've since moved 1+ hr away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310785 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:40:30 +0000 Mrs. Bee 2310785@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i've been the friend that never makes plans and when a friend said something to me, it really made me realize what a bad friend i can be. i always come to events and am super loyal, but i just never initiate plans. so i guess i would say is she not a plan maker in general like me? or does it seem like she's making an effort with others and not you?</p> <p>we've also had friends that we were super close with that we saw all the time, and then they seemed to get in touch less and less. turns out that because family moved nearby they had been spending a lot more time with their family.</p> <p>i'm the type of person that would probably just let it fizzle out since i hate confrontation, but it may be worth it to bring it up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310783 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:32:40 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2310783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: Have you tried saying something subtly like "it's been hard to get in touch with you guys, what have you been up?" </p> <p>In this situation, I'd probably just let it fizzle out. Maybe there are no bad intentions, but it seems to not be working out at least right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310770 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:15:46 +0000 Truth Bombs 2310770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have time in my life for friends that I need to convince to want to hang out with me. I have enough friends who want to spend time with me and my family. So I would just let it fizzle out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310756 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 11:06:36 +0000 Anagram 2310756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: another vote for let it fizzle. The pumpkin patch incident....I personally find it hard enough to coordinate my own family to go to do something like this, so the last thing I want it another family with their own kids and schedules to coordinate with, too. So I would also have a hard time telling you (even if we are friends) that I prefer to just go with my own family instead of in a group. </p> <p>But if you guys want more and they aren't capable of giving it right now, then it's best to let it fizzle. I think bringing it up will make things worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310747 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:59:35 +0000 catomd00 2310747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd probably let it fizzle or just reset your expectations. Since DH and I both work, we value our family time on weekends which means we rarely see friends. They all seem to be in the same boat, though. Going to the pumpkin farm with just us, vs with friends is a totally different experience so depending on what they wanted from the event, it might not be about you at all, just that they wanted to do it as a family. Navigating friendships after kids is tough. I've kind of let go of expectations and just enjoy when we do spend time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310711 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:32:44 +0000 psw27 2310711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just back off and let it fizzle. If she is "too cool" and doesn't want to really be friends any more then why waste the emotional energy on someone like that? I've gotten over not being good enough for certain people to bother inviting or including... life is too short plus I just don't have the energy to be sad about it anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310709 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:31:02 +0000 Purpledaisy 2310709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, I have had this issue with several people. The most recent we just stopped making effort to see them and the friendship has completely fizzled out. They live 3 hours away and we each have family where each other lives (kind of a random coincidence) and we would ALWAYS make effort to see them when we were over near them. They never once saw us, or even TOLD us when they were in town. They now have a baby that is 1.5 that we haven't even met yet. It is disappointing but the fact that they haven't reached out once to us since we stopped reaching out to them, 2.5 years now, seals the deal for me. </p> <p>I also have this issue with a family member that I can't cut out like that. I will admit that I have made some subtle digs at the issue (or maybe not so subtle?) but I don't really have the option to just let the relationship fizzle out. </p> <p>This was more of a vent than advice, this kind of stuff just irritates me :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310701 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:24:21 +0000 Maysprout 2310701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I usually just back off a little and see if they make an attempt.</p> <p>But . . . We've been the hard to reach couple as well. Life gets busy and last year I was very protective of family time since it happened so rarely. It was quite frustrating at times that not even our families seemed to understand the craziness and would get offended. DH finally said to my mom at one point - you realize you've gotten to visit with my daughters way more the past few months than I have (even though my parents live several hours away). Give them a little space then give them a more open ended invitation, maybe life just got hectic for them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310692 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:17:29 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2310692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think some friendships can be truly one-sided when one person calls all the time and the other doesn't. Sometimes you're friends with someone that isn't quite like you and your lifestyles are just different. I've been friends with people that liked me way more than I liked them and vice versa. In those instances not being included in things can be hurtful. Distance speaks volumes, but also a frank conversation. Sometimes people just compartmentalize their lives where certain friends are just not going to be invited to certain events. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310676 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:01:22 +0000 mrsrain 2310676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When faced with stuff like this I just stop making the effort. Either they'll step it up or the friendship fizzles. I used to obsess over why I wasn't "enough" for people, but I had to get over that and realize that I am a worthwhile friend to people who are willing to reciprocate! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310675 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 10:00:39 +0000 Alivoo01 2310675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I too would stop putting in so much effort. If they're truly close, they wouldn't be doing this in the first place. And they'll notice the drift after awhile if you're not inviting/hanging with them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310651 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 09:39:11 +0000 nana87 2310651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: that is so good that your friends appreciate your efforts at least! I do totally understand wanting to have something with just lo and dh, it's totally just that it's on top of everything else that it's annoying. you're right that it'd be weird if I said something, I"m not going to after thinking about it more. It should come from him if anything </p> <p>@blackbird: totally a possibility! dh and her husband get along so well though, they email/talk on social media with each other about music/bands/concerts a lot. that's actually the most contact he has with either of them now. it'd be weird if he felt threatened by dh when they're friends too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310628 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 09:21:12 +0000 blackbird 2310628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: eh, maybe her husband doesn't like her having a guy friend, you know? That wouldn't be uncommon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310627 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 09:21:11 +0000 travellingbee 2310627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yup. I'd just stop inviting them to things. We've had this happen several times. It is what it is. People grow apart and some people just don't value having friendships once they have a family. They are so focused on their own lives. What can you do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310626 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 09:21:01 +0000 nana87 2310626@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: omg, I'm sorry about your friends being such poops! I had a similar situation with a friend (my high school best firend) ghosting when my grandma was dying, it's probably the most painful thing I've ever been through</p> <p>@kiddosc: good question! and good point that it's prob not going to change that much in the long run. I think it would be good though to figure out if this is happening intentionally, which I sort of doubt since when we do see them things are totally fine, or if we're just sort of fallen off their radar, which is actually what I think has happened since dh has talked to antoher mutual friend (someone who was this girl's bridesmaid) about how impossible it is to make/keep plans with them </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/non-reciprocal-friendships-do-you-speak-up#post-2310625 Mon, 05 Oct 2015 09:20:30 +0000 erinbaderin 2310625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only thing that I'm thinking in this particular case is maybe she wasn't to have a family-only trip to the pumpkin patch (I'm assuming she didn't post a picture of a big group) but didn't want to hurt your feelings by turning you down? I know sometimes I have it in my head that I want to do something just with my husband and son and if somebody else invites me I find that hard to explain.</p> <p>That being said, sounds like this is a bigger/ongoing problem. I think it might be weird if you said something on behalf of your husband - if this girl is that close of a friend to him he should be able to say that he misses her and wishes they could find more chances to hang out? I get this feeling with a lot of my friends, that I do all the work and if I didn't I'd never see them. I've had to decide that in some cases it's worth it - I want to maintain the friendship, we always have fun when we get together, and it's fine. With other friendships I've decided I didn't care enough to make all the effort and let it go. A friend did say to me last weekend "J and I were talking about how good you always are at organizing things!" which made me feel better - at least my efforts are appreciated. </p>