https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 16 Aug 2026 01:16:43 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15921 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:03:33 +0000 Rescuemom10 15921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ Navy_Mommy- It a lot of the "You have no idea" or "Its a Mommy thing, you will see one day" "You can never know until you just experience it yoruself" &lt;--mommy stuff not birth,<br /> OK, so one in particular is very heavey non stop with comments like this. Its gotten so old. And OK yes set aside the fact that I went to college for Childcare, worked in childcare, and then for two+ years lived with and helped physically and financially raise my godchild from newborn to toddler(Litereally..had my own diaper bag, car seat, took turns getting up in the middle of the night with him, drop off/pick up daycare etc...) YES, set all that aside I have NOT had a child of my own and I KNOW that is different. BUT, I do take offense to it because I DO consider myself a mommy. I have an 8 yr old like I said, she is old enough to KNOW I am not her real mommy, and has understood this for years, and still chooses to call my mommy, says she wishes I was her real Mommy etc... (rough custody issues)<br /> So its irritating because 1-people act like she does not count because we dont have her ALL the time or 2- the forget all together.<br /> It really is irritating to be treated like dumies, or that we have no clue and all the other examples I put out there. Especially seeing as its not just me being "touchy" or anything, and seeing my husbands expressions when certain comments are made because he DOES have a child, we DO! For example, someone asked for DH if they wanted to hold their baby, he said sure. They made a comment how it will be good practice for him. He just chuckled and I did too. I laughed and was like "Oh this is true, but little more of a refresher for him". We got the "Ohhhhhhhh yeah thats right...that right you have your daugher. Oh yeah thats right? Wow! Thanks for forgetting. I am sorry she DOES count. You dont see me going around being like OMG y0u have NO IDEA, JUST you wait, you will see, when your child is a toddler, or in school and they do this or that...you have no idea, just you wiat, you can never truly know till you experience it etc.....Does that make sense? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15542 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:42:54 +0000 MrsApricot 15542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand! Oh boy, do I understand! My husband and I are saving money for a home of our own and a baby. We plan to start trying soon. But MY belief is you get married and THEN have children. I have several friends right now who are having babies apparently only for the sake of having babies! One friend is twenty-one and pregnant with the baby of a guy she had been dating for about THREE MONTHS before she got pregnant, (and in that time she had gotten pregnant and miscarried). In the mean time, I'm 28, married, and TRYING to have a plan for life and my child's life, and it kind of feels like a slap in the face that they are having kids. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but at the same time, I can't help but be jealous and a little hurt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15539 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:39:09 +0000 Rescuemom10 15539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just to add and keep it short (sorry my venting and built up frustrations over this have led to lengthy responses). Like prev said. I do have an beautiful SD. She is 8 years old and I have been in her life since she was 3. My Dh was in his very early 20's when he had her and its NOT because of his divorce from her mother and gears his want to wait longer this time, its because he does want to have a home, and a better income to be able to provide more than he could back then with his future children. Yet another reason why it does "cut" to have the side comments and even the comments about how there will be such an "age gap" with our children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15538 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:38:07 +0000 Navy_Mommy 15538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rescuemom10: Can I ask what it is that they say to you that makes you feel bad? Because if I was so close to someone that they told me about their pregnancy before they told their husband, I would definitely let them know that certain things they say to me upset me.</p> <p>Like, are they actually saying/doing things to alienate you, or do you just feel left out because you're at a different stage in your life, not that they're making direct jabs at you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15532 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:23:05 +0000 Rescuemom10 15532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Navy_Mommy- I totally see where you are coming from, and in no means do I mean to come off as judgemental. I am not assuming they were unplanned and would never "assume" (You know the saying about assuming hehe) they were unplanned. I am going off the flat out statement of them telling me their unexpected surprise, with the exception of ONE who admited to me she had baby fever because everyone else was having babies and was going to start trying and now is PG. The rest I either honestly knew before husbands/Finace's knew (MORE than once I was there with them when they POAS, even one texted the pic of the HPT to me to confirm if the line was there or not). I think that alone at least says something about me. I am supportive of my friends and still very much try to be, the fact that they came to me with it before others or what not I think says something. The fact that I sat them down as they freaked out over it and how it wasnt planed and what are they going to do, and where to start, and I tell them everything is going to be OK, take one day at a time, and that they will be great Mommy and Daddy's etc... I am VERY happy for them all, seriously I am, and I seriously threw some redic baby showers resulting with my DH upset with me for how crazy i went and how much I spent on each of these friends ( so many last year yikes lol) to give them their own special day.<br /> I totally get the safety net, and like I said before, I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, because it is just that...SAFE.<br /> I am just saying that because DH and I choose to wait, and have other things in line, why must we feel like we are judged because of it as if something was wrong with us. I totally get that having children changes EVERYTHING, I do! I have a SD even though some think its different because she does not live with us, but whatever I dissagree. Anywho...its just that because we are still sticking to our plan and still waiting, does not make it OK for others to hold over our head what we "dont know" and are missing out on among many other comments. Like I said, I get that having children is life changing, but its a bit much when you go from oops, and freaking out, and I am there and being a supportive friend...to now acting better than those who are still wiating, and choosing to wait. The little side comments are not necessary and thats why I am hurt and what I was trying to vent about. I am NOT trying to judge, I was merely trying to lay out the situation, and how I dont feel its fair that we are being judged. I am the type of person who feels guilty easilly, people RARELY see me upset because I tend to hide that so well. I am not a confrontational person and would never have the heart to say anything to these ladies because I AM happy for them, and the last think I would want is for them to take it like you did Navy_mom. I would feel horrible because thats not my intentions at ALL! I vent here because here its easy to vent w/o the fear of hurting someones feelings. I just find it easier to be the one hurt, and try to brush it off, instead of accidentally hurting someones else by taking this up with them directly, but sometimes you need to let it out and vent...and so here I am...</p> <p>DH and I have been in the military for 10 plus years. Seeing as I was Active Duty myself. Most my friends are naturaly AD as well. I DO have friends of course who are not, but it is more natural to have AD friends. I try ever so hard but I also find myself always "lured" back to shop talk and Military ways because I was there, and still am just now as a Civilian working for the Military. Also, now that I am a Military spouse and given my DH position/rank we are more entitled to work friends and me making friends with fellow spouses. But yes, I DO have friends also outside the Military and what not of course. LOL </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15505 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:10:13 +0000 Navy_Mommy 15505@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok, so I'm 23, my husband (who is 30) is in the Navy and I'm pregnant. We got pregnant the day before our wedding. On purpose - it was a100% planned pregnancy. Most people would assume it was an oops pregnancy, but I promise, it wasn't, lol. So, I don't think its fair to assume that all the people around you don't have plans, their plans are just different than yours. </p> <p>I think its pretty well known that military families tend to have children quite young, especially with people who don't plan on staying in until retirement, but can you blame them? If they enlist at 18, plan to do their 4 years and be done with it why not have kids when you know for sure you'll have support and insurance coverage that basically covers 100% of baby expenses. I've had every blood test and US I could and I've yet to pay a dime. Taking advantage of the "safety net" doesn't seem like a bad idea to me, honestly.</p> <p>I'm sorry that you feel bad about the whole scenario, but I do feel like your OP seemed a bit judgmental towards your friends as well as other military families who have chosen to have children young. But if your friends are treating you poorly for your decisions, you should say something to them. They're probably just so happy to have growing families and assume you would be happy as well. </p> <p>And you've said more than once you just feel like you have no one to relate to - you are allowed to be friends with civilians, lol. I have tons of friends who have no affiliation to the military! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-15482 Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:25:59 +0000 Rescuemom10 15482@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NODAK- I keep meaning to respond and kept forgetting. I cant beleive your friend said that to you! I think my jaw would have hit the floor! Oh my!</p> <p>No I live on the West Coast. But like I did say before. DH and I are Military and so the whole have babies young thing is common. I keep trying to find "groups" and other couples to hang with and every year or two we are back into this situation now where there seems to be no one in our "situation" or that we can relate to that are even close to us in age or relationship etc... or they move away and PCS to another duty station. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13410 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 15:11:22 +0000 Rescuemom10 13410@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ HOLA ABEJITA- aww thanks!! Very sweet of you!</p> <p>Yeah its not so much the age, I know this is normal and such is life, its just how we are talked to now and what not that "erks" me. Because we are waiting is not because we are not "ready" but because we choose to have other things "in line" first. If that makes sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13347 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:59:15 +0000 hola abejita 13347@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The fact that you're waiting and planning make you responsible parents to your future children, so don't feel too bad about that. Besides, there will always be parents who are younger AND older than you.</p> <p>Also, happy early Veteran's Day to you guys. Thank you both for serving. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13324 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:31:52 +0000 Rescuemom10 13324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ ADIRA- never thought of it like that. Perhaps....</p> <p>@ ALL OF YOU- I want to respond to each of you, so many of you brought up good points. Someone said when I do have kids to take classes so I can meet other people going through it in my "timeframe" I think thats a great idea. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13320 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:26:15 +0000 Rescuemom10 13320@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ RED- I just keep telling myselft to understand. I dont think they mean to talk down to me. I understand that having a baby changes everything and thats all they can seem to talk about, or something that they have that I dont that they have "up" on me. But on the same hand its just really getting old and I hate feeling like DH and I are dummies, dont have a clue, and dont have kids because we arent "ready". Its all the "oh NO YOU will see one day, you can never understand until you have your own (like my SD does not count)" and comments like that. </p> <p>@MRSBELLS- I am aware that everyone is different, and in no way was I trying to portray I was judging them.</p> <p>"Now I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with this and that's fine and I am happy for them all. I just feel like I am in a world of my own and have no one that can relate"</p> <p>"NOT THAT I AM saying that's not OK, I get it, it is."</p> <p>I guess this would be they KEY statement of what I was trying to portray that I am feeling: "This is my opinion and I know it does not mean that's how everyone should be, but what I am saying, is that because we choose to do this, does not mean we are immature or not ready, and I am just tired of feeling that way because how we are "talked to" now. "</p> <p>it all comes down to just not having anyone to relate to. I am glad we have a plan, I know there is nothing wrong with us. And we both feel more comfortable having things in line for our future children and esptablishing what WE feel comfortable with. I just hate feeling like we are immature and "not ready" and that is why we have nto had children. We would be more than fine if we had a child now. We already have one. My beautiful SD. But its like we "dont know, and we will see...." etc...</p> <p>Thanks ladies for letting me vent. I really just dont feel I have anyone I can talk to about this. ; ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13223 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:39:09 +0000 LazyLightning 13223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to add--you don't have a location on your bio but I wondered if you live in the middle of the country. I do--and not in a metro area--and it seems that the values here are very family-oriented--having kids is a very high priority earlier in life than it is on the coasts. Here, it isn't so uncommon to get married and have kids before you're 25--many of my former classmates have 2 or 3 children and have been married 5-10 years already, and I know that is not the case on the coasts. (So it makes us look strange or like we're dragging behind, when really it's just a cultural/regional thing regarding what's "normal" for where you live.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13198 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:16:37 +0000 Adira 13198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, it totally sucks that your friends seem to be talking down to you and don't seem to understand that you have a plan. I think planning stuff out is very SMART and RESPONSIBLE of you to do. Sure, not everyone does it and most people are fine even though they didn't, but I think in the long run, these girls are all going to be jealous of you and the life that you and your husband have built together. It's possible they already ARE jealous and are using their families as "leverage" to one-up you.</p> <p>I think you're doing the right thing for YOU and maybe you need to find some new friends in the same stage as you, which can be hard to do. Maybe once you are pregnant, you can attend some prenatal classes or something and meet other women who are currently in the same stage as you.</p> <p>My husband and I did the exact same thing as you - we're going to be 28 before we start TTC - we wanted to both get good jobs, get married, buy a house all before we started TTC, so that's what we did. It was a good plan and I'm glad we did it. And I know once we have kids, we'll be even more glad for the financial security that our plan provided us.</p> <p>Good luck to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13196 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:12:42 +0000 Mrsbells 13196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Everyone is different, some people want to have babies right away and some people want to wait. I think your choice to wait is just as valid as their choice not to wait. If you dont want them to judge you for waiting, then I dont think you should be judging them for not waiting. I think it goes both ways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13168 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:02:28 +0000 looch 13168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Don't worry about everyone else! Let them make their own mistakes, just go on with your planning and living your life on your own terms.</p> <p>Not everything is cupcakes and roses on the outside, people might have a lot of other stuff going on inside that they don't share. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13158 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 05:34:19 +0000 Andrea 13158@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get what you're saying and it is frustrating but you will probably be a lot happier in the long run because you have a plan. So just keep that in mind when they irk you. I am a big planner which is probably why I didn't have my LO until I was 30 even though I was married since 26. We just wanted everything in its place. I think you should find some new friends who are more like you. I found that the types of friends I wanted changed once I became a mommy so you may find that, too. Hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13153 Thu, 10 Nov 2011 05:14:19 +0000 Red 13153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was literally the last amongst my friends to have a child @35. Just do what's right for you, no apologies. Quick question though, if your friends make you feel that way, are they really your friends? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13102 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:24:43 +0000 Rescuemom10 13102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks ladies! Yeah just frustrating feeling like I have no one to talk to or who gets where I am coming from and WHY we are doing what we are doing. Seriously today I got a "Your not getting any younger!" REALLY? 28 is NOT old. I got the "I know but you want to have more than one right?" Uhhhh...yeah we plan to but having babies in my 30's is not like out of the question or not within reason. Good grief! Sorry, thanks for letting me vent just felt like I was in my own little world. I thought what me and DH were doing and trying to be responsible and have a plan was normal. Guess not as normal as I thought or something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13052 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:31:59 +0000 LazyLightning 13052@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I ABSOLUTELY, 100% agree with you. Especially here:</p> <p>"We both have jobs, we have a home, we ARE married, we have been togerher more than a year etc...these are all things we can say we have that the others dont, and once again I am NOT saying you have to or SHOULD have these things first. This is my opinion and I know it does not mean thats how everyone should be, but what I am saying, is that because we choose to do this, does not mean we are immature or not ready, and I am just tired of feeling that way becuase how we are "talked to" now."</p> <p>I seriously believe nobody (my friends) has a plan. They just have babies 'cause that's what you do. I even had a very close friend tell me that I should feel bad/guilty because we have this 'nice life' and aren't sharing it with a child (having a home/job/building financial security). Like you I'm 28 and most of my friends have kids, many of them are either not married or just married, don't have stable housing or income or whatever-- and that is perfectly fine if it works for them but I was not OK with having that life for myself. Instead, we've been biding our time to accomplish what we thought was responsible, and what do we get for that? Being talked down to, told we're selfish, or constantly asked why we don't have kids yet! Like @Blushink said, we just have to go with our own plan, and be happy with how it works out for us. I'm sure our friends will be helpful and congratulatory when we get to that phase of life, just like we've been for them when they've been blessed by having their kids. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-13042 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:15:33 +0000 Mrs. Sunglasses 13042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ah girl. I'm sorry you feel the way you are feeling but I think it's only normal seeing that all your friends younger are having babies. Honestly I wouldn't care what they say. I know it's not easy to do, but if they don't get you then maybe they aren't hanging around for the right reasons. </p> <p>Don't worry about everyone. Do what you want have planned its your life and don't live according to others (I know you aren't but I'm just saying ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/not-sure-how-to-feel-sorry-long#post-12926 Wed, 09 Nov 2011 18:31:14 +0000 Rescuemom10 12926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh....where to even start...</p> <p>I guess just like the subject says, I don't know how to feel. Right now I feel like I am in a world of my own and I don't get HOW!!! I just cant wrap my mind around it and HOW it is I am the only one in a fairly large group of my friends and what not....OK better start explaining huh?</p> <p>So is it NOT normal anymore to plan things? I mean like have a plan? I GET that sometimes things don't go as planned, duh...but really its seeming more common to "wing it' than have a plan and TRY to stick to it. So basically...I am the oldest girl in my group of friends. I am about to be 28, and I KNOW that's not old. DH and I are Military, and first off let me say that it is wicked common for people in the Military to get married young and have kids young because you have this huge safety net and your medical and what not is covered and the exp of those things are minimal. So I personally joined the Military 8 yrs ago, I am no longer in. Did 6 years. DH has been in for going on 12 years. Most the friends he came in with he is not as close to anymore, and are in a different stage of their life. kids older and in school and have a few kids etc...I did not go into the Military right after HS, so most the people I came in with and became friends with are younger than me....I swear I will try to not make this toooooooo long...so all the friends his age have numerous kids and much older (he is ONLY 29) all my friends I came in with are younger than me and popping out kids anywhere from 19-24. Now I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with this and that's fine and I am happy for them all. I just feel like I am in a world of my own and have no one that can relate. I mean out of all our friends may I add we are the only ones that seem to have a plan and are worried about establishing ourselves first.We were together almost 4 years by the time we got married, which was right after I got out of the Military (was injured) and then I tried for 9 long months to find a job. I got a very good job, so then we bought a house. Have been in the house for over a year and getting financially stable and preparing for kids (DH does have a daughter though from previous marriage). Its just like everyone I know either had an "oops" which happens I am no dummy I know that happens. Or gave in because "everyone else had a baby" and had one. Or just jumped into that big fat safety net. I guess I am just REALLY frustrated because DH and I take it seriously. yes we are still young and we know that, even though we are older than majority of our friends. But we don't want to just be able to "just afford" having kids, we want to be able to live like we do now (Financially), AND have kids, and be able to afford things and what not FOR our kids and not just "get by". Hence why we are waiting to be a little more financially est. even though once again we are more financially stable than most we know. Most of them are single income, renting a home etc....NOT THAT I AM saying that's not OK, I get it, it is. But why does it just seem to be so uncommon around everyone I know, to just not have a plan. I don't know. Oh gees, I feel like I sound mean. Like i said, I truly am happy for them all, heck I thew 3 baby showers this last year and don't even ask me how much i spent in all my excitement! But its just like now I don't have anyone who I feel can relate to. Some where not even married yet, some were JUST married. All but 1..wait now 2 were planned, all 24 and under. I just don't get what the rush is. And so much has changed even though I know having a baby changes everything, I do. But don't tell me I am "young" (when I older than them) and have time. or "oh just you wait, one day you will see when you have a baby and stuff like that thrown in my face left and right. I just want to scream I CAN WAIT, I AM WAITING!!!! They make me feel like I am going to be the crypt keeper of mommy's by the time I have kids, and hello I am still in my 20's! Its like facts and info dangled above my head that "you will see one day, you can never know until you experience yourself..." I guess I just feel like I am talked down to, and its like they act like we have not had kids yet because we are not ready yet. Its not that we are not ready, we are choosing to wait because we feel having things in order and being financially stable, or heck even being married first for a bit is important. We both have jobs, we have a home, we ARE married, we have been together more than a year etc...these are all things we can say we have that the others don't, and once again I am NOT saying you have to or SHOULD have these things first. This is my opinion and I know it does not mean that's how everyone should be, but what I am saying, is that because we choose to do this, does not mean we are immature or not ready, and I am just tired of feeling that way because how we are "talked to" now. I don't know. I am just really bummed and feeling like I have no one to talk to.</p> <p>You know ladies how sometimes you just need girl talk....I don't feel like I have anyone to girl talk to anymore....I know I am irritated, I am frustrated with so many making me feel immature just because we have not had a child yet. We are going to TTC next year, and I don't even feel like I have any friends to share that with....they would all probably think I am just jumping on the "baby train" or whatever! Haha! So not case...that's just our plan. Man I feel like I sounded like a total B&amp;*^#! I didnt want to make this a novel and tried to sum it up, so irritated who knows if any of that made sense. Thanks to anyone who even made it this far and is still reading! </p>