https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 14 Oct 2026 10:29:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851883 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 18:31:00 +0000 babycanuck 1851883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>ALSO - get DH to get her to a lawyer, stat, so she can get divorced and the ex can't get any of her inheritance. REALLY important. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851859 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 18:11:16 +0000 wonderstruck 1851859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: I was thinking the same thing as you about the legality of this. OP, it sounds like your DH is clearly on his mom's side here, and his dad is the one putting you in this awful position. I would have DH get his mom to a lawyer ASAP and see what they recommend - it may not really be in her best interest to move out just because her soon-to-be ex said she should. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851849 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 17:59:52 +0000 MamaPhoenix 1851849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If this situation was mine. Id be doing everything in my power to help get her into her own apartment. Even if that meant paying the rent until her money comes in. You are not selfish at all. You have every right to feel that way given your situation. You have a baby on the way, that's a lot to handle on its own. It's not fair to have this put on your shoulders. Yes family is family, i'm not saying abandon the women, but there needs to be a limit.<br /> Best of luck to you, this is a difficult situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851826 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 17:42:53 +0000 Mrs. Lion 1851826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is your home and of course your decision, but I would absolutely not leave my home and my husband because MIL moved in. That is such a special time for you and your new family. I honestly feel that you and DH need to come to an agreement about how to handle this and how much time for her to stay, and not split up your new family at such a crucial time. That time is something you can't get back. Baby is more important than MIL, but your marriage is even more important than that. &lt;3 </p> <p>I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you guys are able to work something out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851750 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 16:05:46 +0000 Mrs tartan 1851750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: really she is not helpful, she is quite a large lady and no help around the house, I really don't want her in my things actually come to think if it anyway.<br /> @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think the plan was just to wait it out another few months until her inheritance came through then leave, so she was prepared, just horrific timing!<br /> @babycanuck: thanks for your support, I may get in touch when times are bad!<br /> @Greentea: DH has a brother, but he lives 3 hours drive away from us, so although he will help with moving her things and would help financially, he can't help in the day to day.<br /> @Mrs. Lion: they do have joint accounts, there isn't anything in the marriage worth anything, they don't even own their house its rented, the only money will come from her inheritance in a few months.<br /> @Mrs. Jump Rope: you are correct, he has no legal right to make her leave, the house is a rented house of which they are both on the tenancy, however it's a one bedroom, he is a horrid mental abusive man, I can't bear to let her go home and try to fight it out with him.<br /> @AmeliaBedilia: I have worried about Ppd with this, I just want my own space to be able to labour at home and breast feed without a second thought of someone else. </p> <p>The plan is that DH and I are going to view a small apartment early next week to see if its suitable, hopefully we can get her out before baby is here, I have told DH one week as she is away until next Thursday. Anything longer than that, I am going to go stay with my parents until mil is out, I feel like she will make me mentally ill if I stay around her at a time that's difficult anyway.<br /> It's terrible I don't want her to be alone, but you are all right, baby is more important than an adult who needs to fix her own problems, just so hard to say that to DH! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851693 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 14:43:24 +0000 AmeliaBedilia 1851693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I realized we don't have that much information here. How did the plan become her moving in with you? Did she announce that she was coming? Did she ask? Did you and DH discuss it and agree? How soon does this start? What has she said about how long, where she will sleep, and how much has she offered to help out?</p> <p>The more I've thought, this is a bad solution for everyone, including her. Are you in the US? She needs to go home (unless there is concern for her physical safety- then the cops need to be involved) and get a lawyer. Leaving might sacrifice any shared finances.</p> <p>Having a baby is enough strain on a marriage, and this will make it worse. I am concerned that this added stress could increase your risk for PPD. Have you discussed this with your OB?</p> <p>Sending lots of prayers your way! You should be worrying about the finishing touches on the nursery and that type of thing, not this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851688 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 14:18:28 +0000 irene 1851688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG. First of all.... what a devastating way to break up a marriage! Just through a letter and telling your wife of 35 years to go figure it out and not come home? Come on! And how come she can't come home? Couldn't HE move somewhere? Seriously?? </p> <p>If I were her I would go home and kick him out. And let you guys be in peace.</p> <p>On the other hand, I am so sorry you are going through this.... I have no advice at all. Will it be possible if you guys help her rent a small one bedroom apartment close by? Or go home and help her kick your FIL out? I am really sorry because I would go insane too :-( Hugs </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851686 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 14:04:53 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1851686@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reyorra: I disagree. The baby isn't a bandaid for depression or a crappy situation. </p> <p>@Mrs tartan: you aren't being selfish. This is a huge change in your life and you'll need and want time to bond as a family, adjust to parenthood and you'll be sleep deprived while doing it. </p> <p>I don't want visitors at my home right now, let alone a long-term houseguest. </p> <p>Your MIL needs to meet with an attorney and learn what he rights are. Why does she have to be the one to leave?</p> <p>I would check with laws in your state. In PA, I could tell my husband to leave and if he did it would be seen as abandonment. Legally, he doesn't have to go anywhere just because I want him to. </p> <p>I wouldn't let her move in no matter how temporary this may be. She needs legal help and professional help for her depression. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851656 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 12:58:58 +0000 babycanuck 1851656@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm going to be brutally honest here. Even if there are other options, your husband may think this is the best one for the short term.</p> <p>It sucks.</p> <p>My MIL ended up living with us for 4 years because no timelines were set, which is why I'm saying you need to sit with him, set the ground rules, and let him deal with her.</p> <p>Maybe she pays a small amount of rent.<br /> Maybe she buys groceries.</p> <p>No matter how bad it might be when it's happening, I *promise*, despite any long term resentment, when she leaves, your life will be more different than you'll ever know.</p> <p>Remember, she's under your roof, not you in hers. Totally different situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851651 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 12:52:46 +0000 lamariniere 1851651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@candymum: My thoughts are along the same line as yours. </p> <p>You are not being selfish. You are thinking about your well being and that of your child. Is there any way she could live anywhere else? A sibling? Cousin? Other child? Friend? Or rent a cheap temporary apartment through airbnb or something? If she's a wreck and depressed, I don't really see how being around a post partum hormonal lady, first time parents and a newborn is a good solution for ANYONE! Agree, a timeline is definitely necessary. FWIW, I lived with my inlaws for 9 months 2 years ago and I still feel some resentment -- and my kid was a toddler already, so I simply cannot imagine how it would be with a newborn. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851627 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 12:08:33 +0000 Mrs. Lion 1851627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reyorra: I agree completely. It is so so important that before she moves in there is a clear end date and that she is helpful and supportive or she will have to go somewhere else. </p> <p>Does she not have access to joint accounts? I would be clearing them out if I was her so that she has the funds she needs to survive. I am fairly certain her husband cant just say "don't come home, good luck" and get away with it, legally speaking. That is insane. Honestly it would be better for everyone involved if you can find her a furnished short term apartment or an extended stay if she is going to need housing for more than a week or so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851624 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 12:05:33 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 1851624@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not selfish at all! I was in a very similar situation a few months ago, except we had to live w/ her until we found a house (when DD2 was 2 months old). She. Was. Awful. But you know what? I lived. Just make yourself repeat "it's only temporary" and make sure your husband puts up boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851595 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 11:14:21 +0000 AmeliaBedilia 1851595@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What a terrible situation for you! I agree that if this wasn't unexpected, she should have been more prepared. Remember- you can say no, she is an adult who needs to figure things out for herself, and you need to take care of your family (you, DH and baby) first. If you decide to let her stay, I would make sure there is an end date, and make her earn her keep. I would send her out for all errands, which will be helpful and get her out of the house. I would also start some time where she needs to be out of the house so you can breastfeed without her around, connect with DH, etc. Hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851581 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 10:35:39 +0000 reyorra 1851581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand your point about not wanting to bring the baby into your MILs depression, but maybe being able to see her granddaughter's first few weeks first hand will give her a boost? Just make sure she knows (and I agree that it's DH's responsibility to talk to her about it) that this is a TEMPORARY arrangement. She can't stay longer than X number of weeks or days and that's only if she will be helpful and understanding of your needs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851551 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 09:44:36 +0000 Greentea 1851551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Looking out for your mental health is not selfish, at least not in a bad way. There must be another option...<br /> -is there another sibling she can stay with?<br /> -can she be put up somewhere?<br /> This just seems like too much stress, is there any other option to explore?</p> <p>If this has to be done I would be selfish and ignore her to some extent; go out and do your regular life as much as possible. Her drama is unfortunate but you don't need anyone else's depression right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851536 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 09:22:32 +0000 pui 1851536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Man that is super rough. :(</p> <p>I agree with @babycanuck, you need to set a timeline for how long she is going to stay. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851522 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 08:55:49 +0000 LaughLines 1851522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>what a difficult situation! I agree with giving her responsibilities, it will help keep her busy and distracted and possibly help her to bond with the baby. Have her help wtih projects around the house that haven't been a huge priority with a baby coming soon (there's always something), if she's crafty have her make stuff for the baby (blankets, ABC's out of fabric, felt toys, (anything via pinterest) ) have her help make some freezer meals, etc. She may appreciate having things to keep her mind off of what she's going through, and you'll appreciate the help plus keeping her out of your hair. Frame it more of a "bonding/working together" thing so it's a positive experience for both of you (and your DH) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851493 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 07:32:47 +0000 SweetiePie 1851493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A) I don't think you're horrible at all! My MIL drives me bonkers and I would have a mental breakdown if she moved in with us at any point, let alone 3 weeks before baby. </p> <p>B) agree with @Little Misters Mom: about setting the boundaries first with your husband and then with her. How long can she stay (I think it's important to set a timeline, otherwise she might not leave), what her household responsibilities will be, she needs to be in therapy, etc. Of course your husband should relay all of this to her as gently and lovingly as possible, but still as firm non-negotiables.<br /> Also agree on finding a sounding board! Someone who you can vent to and won't judge! Your husband isn't the best person for that (I learned the hard way!).<br /> And lastly, I vividly remember @babycanuck: going through almost the same thing as she mentioned, so she's probably your best resource for advice! She's actually lived it!</p> <p>Best luck to you and know you can always vent here! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851492 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 07:31:23 +0000 candymum 1851492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ah I don't know how to say anything constructive to you right now because it sounds like a horrible suitation ! My Inlaws stayed with us for 3.5 weeks when I had the baby from day one and it was really bad. It really wrecked our relationship and I still resent them for a lot of things they did. But you are in such a tricky place because she must be feeling horrible too and needs support especially when she has no where else to go. You can't kick her out. Hopefully she will try to get out as soon as possible. Seriously how selfish is the FIL though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851486 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 07:19:36 +0000 Little Misters Mom 1851486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You're not selfish at all for feeling that way. I would be a wreck! In fact, you're the kind of selfless person who considers taking in their ailing MIL to be something there is "no choice" over. Plenty of people would see this as just someone else's problem. So you're entitled to feel/think/say whatever you need to, in the midst of this really nice thing you are doing for your husband.</p> <p>I do agree you should designate things you need her to do (grocery shop, laundry, etc) and when she gets there say "oh I'm so happy you're here and can help me with x, y, and z." It'll give her something to focus on and set expectations. </p> <p>One thing I would do is find a nonjudgmental friend (or fellow bee) who you can just vent to. Literally say whatever horrible thing you need to get out to someone who won't say or think anything other than "that f-ing sucks." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851483 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 07:10:07 +0000 blackbird 1851483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh gosh that is so stressful!!! Get out when you can, encourage MIL to get out (maybe you can ask her to buy groceries for you? Does she have friends nearby you can ask to help her out?),... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851475 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 06:58:31 +0000 kentuckygirl 1851475@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry for you &amp; your MIL. What an awful situation. Hopefully she doesn't stay too long. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851470 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 06:42:36 +0000 babycanuck 1851470@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs tartan: I have been in your shoes (minus the baby part) but about almost the whole situation. It will be hard, but I think what you need to do is sit down your husband and set a timeline, and let HIM discuss that without her. That way you have light at the end of the tunnel. Also, make it clear that HE needs to help her emotionally through anything, because you have yourself, your marriage and your baby to deal with, which is enough.</p> <p>For us it was:<br /> - 32 years of marriage<br /> - she broke it off<br /> - he put her into bankruptcy (which she's dealing with 5 years later)<br /> - happened just months after we got engaged, before we got married (had only lived with each other for a year)<br /> - this strong woman was severely depressed because of it<br /> - I *HATED* every moment (there are lots of posts about it)</p> <p>Please know at the end of it all - your baby will have more time to know their grandparent, even if she is a sad panda, and your relationship with your husband will be 100000000x better after she leaves. Please trust me on that.</p> <p>If you ever need to vent/throw ideas around don't hesitate to wall me, or I can send you my email. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851469 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 06:38:03 +0000 Shutterbug 1851469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh that's terrible for you both! Could you maybe suggest she go to counseling so that at least she's working on her depression while she's living with you? Then hopefully you and DH wouldn't have to be her sounding board either. As a silver lining, it may turn out to be helpful to have an extra set if hands in those early PP days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851444 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 05:11:39 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1851444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok, I must not much compassion either because I would feel the same as you. Go somewhere else! But, really isn't this what family is for- to provide a soft place to land when things are rough?</p> <p>If this news is not unexpected why the heck isn't she more prepared to get her own place? I'm guessing the MIL is/ was totally dependent on her husband. He should break her off some money so he can make sure she doesn't come back if that's really what he (they) want. Are they planning to get divorce or just permanently live apart? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851443 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 05:08:17 +0000 jedeve 1851443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your poor family! I am sorry. Is she helpful at least? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851442 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 05:07:53 +0000 Mae 1851442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. That is a horrible situation. For her but for you too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/oh-my-god-family-crisis-mil-is-coming-to-live-with-us-3-weeks-before-due-date#post-1851437 Sat, 06 Sep 2014 03:41:43 +0000 Mrs tartan 1851437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DHs mother went on a family trip and found a letter from DH father saying their 35 year marriage is over, he doesn't want her to come home again and has suggested she stay where she is (600 miles from home) or move in with us until she is sorted. Her mother died 1 month ago so she will get some inheritance soon to get her own place. It's not totally unexpected, they have been miserable for years. DH doesn't talk to his father, everyone is happy they are breaking up. </p> <p>I'm so selfish, I keep thinking about how this affects me, I'm 3 weeks from my due date, I don't want her here. She drives me nuts, she is already depressed and I can't bear to bring a newborn into her depressed world, she will be doubly as bad after this! I can't look after them both!</p> <p>She has nowhere else to go, I don't have a choice. It's so awful, I'm so awful, I can't stop thinking how bad this is for me instead of concentrating on how horrific this is for her. </p>