https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 07 May 2026 11:43:13 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2908692 Mon, 20 Jan 2020 19:48:23 +0000 yellowbeach 2908692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Marshmallow: Thank you for sharing your experience. We’ve been talking much more these past few weeks and I can tell he’s making an effort to help out and be much more proactive. No one has made it to therapy yet, but I don’t think we’ve abandoned the idea by any stretch. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2908545 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 15:35:35 +0000 Mrs. Marshmallow 2908545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband suffers with depression, and hit a low we had never experienced before last winter. He wasn't willing to do counselling at the time, but we got to a point where I sort of put my foot down on the matter and said we're doing something about it. </p> <p>The option that made most sense to him was seeing a naturopath. He worked with her for several months and he had like... a 160 (not quite a 180). He's worked incredibly hard at it and my husband that said he would NEVER see a therapist is now seeing one (this was about 8 months after the naturopath). </p> <p>I can understand the urgency of this matter being pregnant (I am with our second as well, and that when we added the therapist to the mix).</p> <p>I'd recommend therapy for you! It's been so helpful for me as well, and looking into what he IS willing to do to address his depression. My husband isn't a lazy man, but in the depths of his depression wouldn't get out of bed in the morning for weeks. I now know when he won't get up in the morning that we need to switch it up to address it before things get too bad again. </p> <p>Hugs. this stuff is VERY hard, but create boundaries for you, take care of yourself, and work on getting him help with different options. It's very scary to ask for help, but finding a way he's comfortable with it... can change his life and yours! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2908533 Fri, 17 Jan 2020 13:45:04 +0000 JJ2626 2908533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just checking in and hoping things are going better. A friend is going through something similar and has sound individual counseling really helpful for her communication even though her husband won’t go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906559 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 21:02:43 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2906559@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906546 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 19:26:29 +0000 cake2017 2906546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I’m sorry you are going through this. I would suggest going to therapy solo and also together if he is willing to do it. Also, I applaud you for being so calm in handling the above you described because if that occurred in my house DH’s video system would of been in a bathtub full of water(he doesn’t play video games though). I would also be very honest with him whether it leads to an argument or not on how you feel. I don’t think separation right away will fix the problem but I do believe both parties have to be willing to work the issues out because it’s going to take fixing up on you and him to make things much better. If his mental health is a major part of the problem he has to recognize that and be willing to get help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906534 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 16:17:21 +0000 DesertDreams88 2906534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My short reply: No grown man should sit on his ass for 2 hours playing video games while his PREGNANT wife takes care of their toddler. Heck to the nope. </p> <p>My long reply: My husband has been on &amp; off depressed his whole life, much worse since having kids, and much worse since having #2 (yay sleep deprivation). It mainly manifested in him sleeping a lot and being sad/mopey a lot, and saying very pessimistic things. It got to the point where I was nervous to leave him alone or leave the kids with him. Other people were noticing too. </p> <p>We had a long talk in bed with the lights out (I think hard convos are easiest that way haha). I shared how scared I was for him in terms of possible self-harm. I told him it was hurting our marriage because I had to tiptoe around him emotionally and work so hard to keep him happy and we never had any good times together because he was sunk so deep. He was also not able to care for the kids as much because he was so tired all the time. Lastly, I brought up his grandma - she had too many kids and an absent husband, so she spent a year on the couch or in bed due to depression, while forcing my MIL to raise the rest of the kids herself at age 7-9. That was the kicker for him - he knew how harmful a parents' depression could be for the kids, as he knew the impact it had on his mom. </p> <p>I begged him to call and make an appt with his GP the next day so that he could try antidepressants. Thankfully, he agreed. I called the GP's office and warned them that I wanted his concerns taken seriously and that I was worried about self-harm, and that we have kids and I need him helped. I told them I know they can't violate HIPPA, so I wasn't asking any questions, but I wanted to make sure they took him seriously. </p> <p>He has been on antidepressants now for a year and it has helped a lot, and he mentions it occasionally without prompting, like, "Man, I never realized how sad I used to be, I'm so glad I take Zoloft now." "I should've started this years ago." He should go to therapy I guess but he already has emotional self-regulation &amp; self-care skills. For him it's truly a deep, biological situation.</p> <p>Lastly, I was on Zoloft for 6 months prior to him starting, and he saw the marked difference in me, so that helped convince him. I stopped as he started, though. Mine was for postpartum anxiety and I felt much better as LO turned 1. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906505 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 13:50:11 +0000 Mrs. Pajamas 2906505@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: just wanted to chime in and say I so so identify with everything you wrote. I have suggested separation twice in my 12 year marriage and am so full of resentment I could burst. But I have recently started seeing a therapist by myself and it has provided a lot of super helpful perspective for me as a wife and an individual. Part of it, and I hate to say this, but I do believe it's true now, is that a lot of what you and so many of us women who are married to men are complaining about is literally just the fundamental differences between men and women. Our instinct is to multi-task, do it all (career, kids, home-cooked meals, look hot in a bikini) while men have been taught their whole lives that they are on a pedestal and can do whatever the F they want and we will praise them. It's so so backwards. But instead of trying to change society/the past my therapist has helped me to accept some of these things and the actual fundamental parts of who DH is, and instead work on my reactions and what I need. We are finally seeing a marriage therapist after YEARS of me asking for this and I hope to just focus on communication methods that actually work. So I would highly encourage you to see your own therapist first instead of wasting time and getting upset as DH won't go together. It's such a safe place to vent and work through things, and then you can face your life as a wife/mom/doctor with a clear head. I can also relate to the added stress of IVF throughout all this and it really does pile it on big time since as the carriers/"lucky" PIO recipients it's just all on us. </p> <p>Bottom line: take care of you, focus on you and DD and growing that amazing baby boy you are carrying, and DH will come around. Hugs to you! Super happy to discuss more offline or any way you are comfortable. I seriously relate to everything in this post and hope that gives you comfort. It has certainly helped me today so thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906451 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 09:21:04 +0000 Corduroy 2906451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I haven't gotten to the card part yet but I don't think the partner is expected to read the book. The book is written for the partner with the larger share of the work. DH knows I'm reading the book and said "let me know when you find the 'Dad' page, I'll read that.". I don't know if this book has that page or if the cards substitute for that. The book doesn't actually have the cards (at least my library copy doesn't seem to). You download them from the website for free (actually in exchange for you email address). I wish I was further in the book so I could share more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906444 Thu, 19 Dec 2019 07:26:01 +0000 yellowbeach 2906444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Corduroy: Looked it up on Amazon - very interesting idea. I like that it doesn't just identify the imbalance but has a system to reallocate tasks as well. Do you read the book then hand it to DH to read as well prior to doing the cards? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906435 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 23:11:34 +0000 Corduroy 2906435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I'm reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky which has resonated with me so far. It's about redefining your division of labor. After reading the book you actually divide up 100 tasks provided on cards. I'm really excited about getting to that part but all the Christmas/guest/travel labor falls to me so I don't have time right now. To be clear, I don't think this is a stand in for therapy and I hope you go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906421 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 20:49:42 +0000 Silva 2906421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m a counselor and while I don’t think ultimatums are ever a good idea I do think it can be appropriate to say, “unless you are willing to go to couples counseling with me I will be pursuing separation because the way things are is intolerable to me and I need things to change. Your commitment to counseling with me would demonstrate that you are willing to work on changing our relationship.”<br /> I’m glad he has agreed to go and I hope you can find a good fit and make some progress forward </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906416 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 19:55:07 +0000 crazydoglady 2906416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I'm glad he sees how serious this is (or has an idea.) I hope he wants to put the work in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906413 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 19:40:09 +0000 MoonMoon 2906413@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I'm glad to hear he agreed to counseling. I identify with you on the hot/cold relationship, and I'm sorry you're going through so much while feeling alone! I hope counseling helps both of you and takes some of the emotional burden off of you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906399 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 18:26:48 +0000 winter_wonder 2906399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: That is good he's willing to go. I hope it will be helpful to you guys.</p> <p>I just came to chime in and say that you're not crazy and want to encourage you to keep standing up for yourself and what you need. Similar to pp, I was stunned with the 18 months of no IVF support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906393 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 17:40:55 +0000 yellowbeach 2906393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So as a little update, he texted from work - not my preferred method of communication, but better than the in person arguments for now...</p> <p>I mentioned I’d spent the afternoon looking for a counselor to help me work through and decide how I need to move forward (and used the word separation as an option) and he said he’s willing to do couples counseling. I feel like that’s a step forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906384 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 17:03:25 +0000 crazydoglady 2906384@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I am not saying divorce, but I couldn't live that way. I just wonder why he thinks it's *your* job to get your daughter and why the thinks it's ok for him to play games. DH likes to play games, too, and I have to keep it in check. So it will be like "Hey, you played games for an hour today, I am taking a long bath while you watch the kids, okay?"<br /> What was his attitude with the video games? Like was he annoyed? Did he just want you to wait a second? Is he always this difficult when requesting something?<br /> I can't speak for everyone, of course, but I have come from a long line of depressed people (and sometimes deal with it myself,) but it makes me feel despondent, not unkind.<br /> You deserve better and so do your kids. I hope you will seek counseling and that you can just be honest with your husband when you aren't angry and tell him that you are starting to question your marriage. Not to manipulate him, but so he knows how serious this is. Hugs. You've been through so much. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906378 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 16:12:48 +0000 yellowbeach 2906378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks guys. It’s helpful to hear some perspectives and get a check on if I’m totally crazy or not. Sometimes I feel that way. </p> <p>@MuffinsMuffins: I haven’t told him yet that I’m contemplating this. Part of that is because he left for work while we were out at lunch But even if he’d been here, I think I’m afraid of escalating things to the next level. You can’t take that back once you throw it out there, but it the reality of my thoughts right now. </p> <p>@MamaTimes3: what you said is totally me. I think I’ve thought about separation or at least running away for a night once or twice before but never uttered it outside my own head. And then things go back to ok for a few months, and I feel ok if not good, and it gets brushed under the rug. But then every time something blows up it’s just cumulative, and I feel more and more guilty like I’m just an enabler. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906376 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 16:04:41 +0000 JJ2626 2906376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry you are going through this. I agree with a lot of the above. Definitely go to counseling on your own. It will help you figure out what you really want and how to communicate that to DH. </p> <p>In the meantime, though, maybe do tell DH just how serious you are. Because if he’s not depressed and is just being a jerk, you’ll see that from his response, hopefully. Truthfully, his behavior does not sound acceptable to me in a partner and if he is not willing to change or seek help, I don’t know if I could stay in that marriage, unless I drastically re-framed what marriage meant to me. </p> <p>I have seen friends get divorced and while it sucks for sure, they are happier living life on their terms. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906372 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 15:49:04 +0000 Mamatimes3 2906372@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just want to say I’m sorry for how you are feeling and can relate to many things you wrote. When things are bad in my marriage, I’m ready to go straight to the divorce attorney. Because to be completely honest, I don’t need my husband. I love him, but I don’t need him. Due to his work schedule I carry the bulk of the load related to house and kids. Would it be harder without him? Probably, but I would be fine. When it’s good I don’t have these thoughts and am grateful for my marriage and family. </p> <p>One day I was dropping my daughter off at daycare, and I saw a little boy crying not wanting to stay. I heard the mom tell the teacher he is upset because tonight he has to stay over at his dads house. That made me realize that while I would be ok without my husband, my kids may not be ok. And the thought of that broke my heart.</p> <p>I would definitely go to the counselor even on your own. Maybe she can help you work through some things on your end. I would also tell my husband why I was going. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906342 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 14:30:34 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2906342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you told him that you are actually considering separation/divorce? Do you think he would attend counselling on his own to start and then maybe bring in therapy together? Does he actually realize he has depression and issues communicating or does he blame you/others for all of it? </p> <p>I just want to say that my jaw dropped when you said you just did 18 months of IVF on your own. I don’t blame you for thinking separation as that would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I literally cannot imagine the thought process of him freezing his sperm and seeing you go to the appointments and deal with the effects of treatment FOR 18 MONTHS and be like ‘all good!’</p> <p>I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It must be extremely hard and draining for you on top of your own career. I worked 80% while my wife was at home on mat leave and I still found it draining let alone when you don’t have a partner that is actively engaging in your family life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906341 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 14:25:01 +0000 gotkimchi 2906341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry this is so hard! A counselor by yourself is a good idea. But I personally would not suffer like this with someone who won’t get help. Like if someone had an alcohol addiction and refused help I don’t think a spouse should feel obligated to stay. Also it’s hard to tell how much is depression and how much is him just being a dick. But honestly do u want your children growing up in that environment? Is this healthy for them/you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/options-besides-marriage-counseling#post-2906338 Wed, 18 Dec 2019 14:20:13 +0000 yellowbeach 2906338@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I posted a few months back about DH being depressed which was making things difficult at home. Flash forward now, we are expecting #2 in June and I'm worried about us. Big time.</p> <p>DH and I have always had a hot/cold relationship - full of fire and passion, both good and bad. The highs are highs and the lows are way low. That hasn't traditionally been my style in any previous relationships. We've been married 6 years, dated for 1.5. </p> <p>We've always had difficulty communicating. He gets very angry and tried to "debate me" with facts and verbatim quotes. I of course am emotional and don't care about a lot of those things, and am hurt when he puts "winning" above the damage these arguments do to us. I've suggested marriage counseling 5 or more times over the years, and he's always refused. Ironic too bc he criticizes his father for not dealing with his own mental health issues at the expense of his family (and a son who committed suicide at age 11). DH is a big advocate for mental health publicly and at work as a physician, but he refuses to use it as a resource to deal with his own depression or our communication problems.</p> <p>I'm resentful. And it's spilling out of me. We have the same stressful job, but he admittedly works full-time while I work 80-90% of full-time. But I am the primary caregiver for DD taking her to all of her numerous doctors appointments, taking on both the morning and the night routines. I just did 18 months of IVF by myself (he froze 6 vials and stopped going to any appointments). I carry all the mental energy of keeping the house functional and going. Most days I'm ok with that. </p> <p>This morning, like many mornings, I woke up with DD at 7:30 and got her dressed, made breakfast, practiced letters and kept her entertained so that DH could sleep in. At 11:30, she wanted to go for a walk and eat lunch at a favorite local spot, and I asked DH, who had now been downstairs on the couch playing videogames for 2 hours, if he could get the stroller out of my trunk so I didn't have to lift it. </p> <p>(Side note, he gave me this weird lecture 3 weeks ago and begged me not to lift DD or anything heavy as his mom had confided in him she had a MC when she lifted one of his brothers and "felt her placenta tear.." ok, whatever but I said I'd try to honor that as feasible). </p> <p>So he refuses to get up off the couch and do this. Now mind you, he'd declined to go with us and asked if I could bring him something back. And then refuses to even get the stroller out. I blew a gasket. Overreacted, probably, told him "fuck you," yes. But it's been a build-up. </p> <p>I walked to lunch pushing DD in the stroller, running through my mind of I know anyone recently divorced, or anything who would know a divorce attorney. I don't want to have those thoughts - but I have no idea how anything will ever change if he's refusing to go to counselling and keeps gaslighting me to think that I am being unreasonable and am just "emotional" and "hormonal." </p> <p>Reality check: I married a lazy man. Do I need to just accept that and pick up the slack? Am I fighting a losing battle trying to get him to do more? Is this STILL just his depression which I've looked past before, trying to be understanding, but he's still refused to seek help for? How do I unload my resentment? I know that's only escalating things. And how do you know when it truly is time for a separation?</p> <p>I have an email out to a counselor I saw a few times while dealing with infertility. Hoping to get in to see her on my own, even if DH refuses any outside help. </p>