https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 05 Apr 2026 13:12:57 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2861027 Sat, 08 Dec 2018 11:01:09 +0000 smuckers 2861027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Popping back in just to give you hugs and support. Honestly, the situation is wayyyy too close to my own for me to be able to give you unbiased advice without projecting, so I hope you understand if I bow out from that. </p> <p>What I can, and will ABSOLUTELY do, is be here for support. HB is an amazing community, and we are here to be a listening ear or a supportive shoulder if you need it. Trust me when I say I understand how hard your situation is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2861002 Sat, 08 Dec 2018 08:17:46 +0000 DesertDreams88 2861002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As for you, I think it would be great if you would call, leave a message if need be, and as for a mental health appt with the nurse or OB. Bring baby. Talk to them. Do as many apts as you want ans bring babies if needed. Ask them for a therapist that is baby friendly and specializes in postpartum. Don't put it off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2861001 Sat, 08 Dec 2018 08:14:07 +0000 DesertDreams88 2861001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CC Mommy: my DH has struggled with depression for 3 years, with former episodes from 2006 and 2002 . He finally got help when the stars aligned:<br /> - for a year I talked openly with him and others in front of him about my mental.health and struggles with anxiety (modeled for him how it's not something to be ashamed of or ignore)<br /> - I asked my.OB for help, got medicated, life was so much better, I talked openly with DH<br /> - I had hard convos with him every 2 months or so about how his depression was affecting our marriage and the kids and I was worried he was going to kill himself. We had these convos in bed with the lights off and I think that helped him be more receptive<br /> - during my yearly visit to our PCP. I asked if they would be willing to do a mental health appt with my DH ans give him an SSRI script as a stopgap measure<br /> - I let my husband know that was a non threatening option<br /> - every so often, especially on bad days, I would ask him if he was ready to go talk to someone, and he would say no, and I'd drop it. But finally, after a bad week, he initiated it himself and called our PCP. I think that was more nonthreatening in his mind than a therapist. </p> <p>The PCP talked to him about the importance of sleep and he seemed to take it more seriously from him.</p> <p>He is doing so much better. A month ago he told me, unprompted, that he wished he had gotten help sooner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860997 Sat, 08 Dec 2018 07:52:39 +0000 MrsSCB 2860997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CC Mommy: I know it’s hard, but I think it may be time to have a tough conversation with your husband about him seeking help as well. I understand he’s been struggling, and you are incredibly supportive for wanting to help him. But now here you are, understandably struggling yourself while trying to prop up your entire family alone, and on the verge of seeking outside help, while he hasn’t. Please do talk to your OB and start therapy, those are GREAT things to do for your own health. But your husband needs to step up to the plate, too. It’s just not fair that at this point you are essentially sacrificing your own mental health to try to maintain his. If it’s putting this much pressure on you, that should not be your responsibility alone. I think you need to have an honest discussion with him, and let him know that you are struggling, you want to seek help, and you would like him to do the same. For your sake and his. I’m so sorry, this is so tough. My father suffers from severe depression. He’s under the care of a psychiatrist and on medication, but it really does affect the whole family. Big hugs to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860933 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 18:55:47 +0000 Foodnerd81 2860933@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CC Mommy: I just feel like that’s a recipe for disaster. Maybe if you can find someone that starts helping you, would he be willing to join you with the therapist? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860926 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 18:13:09 +0000 CC Mommy 2860926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Littlebit7: I have not heard of it, but I will TOTALLY look into it, maybe what I learn can help me and my DH. Thanks for the tip. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860925 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 18:12:31 +0000 CC Mommy 2860925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smuckers: Nothing, really. He never wanted to talk to the doctor about it or do anything official. So, it was kind of on me to just make sure he got as much sleep and as little "overwhelmed" as you can get with a newborn... not sure how to even bring up that possibility to him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860921 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 18:02:14 +0000 Littlebit7 2860921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m so sorry. Have you heard of talkspace? You can chat with a real licensed therapist in the comfort of your own home. It is legit and incredibly helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860907 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 17:20:47 +0000 Foodnerd81 2860907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CC Mommy: yes, I wanted to try other things before meds too, and I’m glad I tried. Obviously exercising and getting fresh air is good for everyone, not just depressed and anxious people. I think having some scheduled time to yourself would help, like knowing I just have to get to c time and then I have a break- whether that’s leaving the baby with your husband or a babysitter, you just get to be off duty. </p> <p>I’m currently solo parenting and counting down the hours until DH is home and I can go off duty. </p> <p>Also- with my gym membership with childcare- I have 100% put them in the childcare while I have a hot coffee and read a book or organize my thoughts in a comfy chair in the lobby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860905 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 17:15:19 +0000 smuckers 2860905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CC Mommy: What is he doing now for his mental healthcare? Is he seeing a therapist, taking medication, or some combination of those? I only ask because I'm concerned that the PPD he experienced is just manifesting differently (vs is getting better). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860904 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 17:12:24 +0000 CC Mommy 2860904@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smuckers: That makes a lot of sense--I started spiraling last week when he decided to go out with a buddy after an already long work day/week. I wanted to be happy for him, but I was so bitter and barely hanging on by a string as it was. Not-to-mention, he didn't call or text the whole day to keep me apprised of his ETA, which ended up being after we were all in bed. The one time I went shopping with friends, I literally had a timer on my phone from the time I left the house and he was texting/calling before it went off. Now, I feel so isolated, I don't even know who I would call for anything like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860903 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 17:07:39 +0000 CC Mommy 2860903@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: @SNOWJEWELZ: Thank you both, I could use a hug, lol. You totally sound like me, putting it off for so long--I want to wait and see if some life-style changes help the situation before considering medication, but hearing your story helps. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860901 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 16:40:02 +0000 smuckers 2860901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh dearheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. </p> <p>Please, please call your OB to talk about PPD, or even just regular depression. There is a solution, there is a fix if you're willing to put the work in. </p> <p>Also: I understand supporting your husband through a hard time with his mental health (seriously, check my post history). I KNOW how hard it is to be on, 100% of the time, for everyone else. To carry the burden of being the person who has to be ok all of the time so that everyone else can be ok some of the time. To try to balance asking for help while not overburdening the person who is supposed to be your partner but just can't be right now.</p> <p>A quick thought re: your husband: my DH is a year out from his worst, and even with therapy and medication that is really, really working for him, sometimes he just can't deal with it when I'm not ok. He wants to (oh how he wants to!) but some days he can barely handle his own stuff, and he's just incapable of helping me through mine. I'm not saying that your situation is exactly the same, but my DH was only able to admit this, through tears, during a particularly intense therapy session. He didn't want to let me down by saying it outloud. I'm wondering if your DH might be feeling the same way. </p> <p>During that session, my husband's therapist told me that it is SUPER common for the spouse of someone affected by depression to start to lose control of their own emotions once their partner is starting to do better. So please, please call your doctor. At the very least, they can put in a referral for you to speak with a social worker or therapist.</p> <p>ETA: if your husband is not willing to be left alone with the baby, then I'm afraid my opinion is that he kind of loses the right to say who you are "allowed" to leave her with. He needs to trust your discernment, and know that you wouldn't leave her with anyone unsafe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860899 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 16:34:40 +0000 snowjewelz 2860899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh girl please talk away here! If we can be an avenue where you can let it out out and alleviate ANY stress, please do it! </p> <p>I also think you should absolutely call up your OB to discuss this. If it's too hard to go to a therapist in person, I know there are web options too that maybe you can make an appointment for when LO is napping, or as late as you can at night? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860897 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 16:30:14 +0000 Foodnerd81 2860897@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m so sorry. It sounds like a ton to deal with, and with really limited access to any kind of help. So as I understand this, your husband doesn’t even want to be alone with the baby, much less with a baby sitter? That just sounds impossible. </p> <p>I had what I passed off as baby blues after my second daughter was born, but it was definitely ppd/ ppa. I finally asked my pcp about it and went on a low dose of Zoloft when she was a year and a half old. At that point they don’t call it ppd but I feel like I just could never climb out of it until I went on Zoloft. I was on it for a little over a year and recently weaned off and feel so much better than before. I wish I hadn’t waited so long. </p> <p>But that’s me. It sounds like you need a break. And not in the form of his mom taking the baby and making you feel worse anyway. I found a gym with childcare that I felt really good about and it has helped me so much- I actually get exercise and feel better after that, plus i get a break from my kids for an hour and a half and I know they are well taken care of. And I’m still in the same building. But I also admit my kids were a lot older than 9 months when I started, I’m sure I would have felt more nervous before (even though I’m also sure they would have been absolutely fine). </p> <p>I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/overwhelmed-and-overly-defensive#post-2860895 Fri, 07 Dec 2018 16:18:33 +0000 CC Mommy 2860895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As some of you know, my husband experienced some serious issues immediately after my daughter was born (<a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-blues" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-blues</a>) Well, now, 9 months later, I'm on the verge of tears because of a botched dinner and dishes overflowing in the kitchen. One HB mom mentioned that PPD symptoms can occur any time within the first year of birth, and I did bottle up a lot over the past year in my efforts to support him. </p> <p>I love my daughter SO MUCH. I never knew you could love another being to this extent. </p> <p>That being said, I've come to the point that I want to burst into tears when she won't sleep properly (@ 9 months--I feel like I have failed at sleep training)</p> <p>I want to burst into tears when my in-laws want to come over (they are HYPER CRITICAL and their anxiety (of EVERYTHING) affects my husbands thoughts whether he is aware of it or not--I don't even have the energy to debate it with him anymore, because he makes the same vague defense every time.) They basically cannot visit or see Luna without making several critical anxious remarks in another language which makes DH the middle man and sometimes he doesn't even tell me, but it comes out later from him. </p> <p>We had a tumultuous journey with them over the past 9 months and I feel like I have worn my mommy friends out with my struggles--I don't even have words or energy to fight it anymore. Not-to-mention most of my mommy friends are going through things right now and don't have time or energy for my vague, heavy cloud of emotions that there is really no solution for (except a time machine, so I could go back and brace myself for the hurricane of emotions that hit me)</p> <p>I want to burst into tears because every time I think about opening to someone, I can't for all of the reasons mentioned above. </p> <p>I have been so transparent with my husband, but he just doesn't get it. Finally, last week he asked if I had anyone I could talk to about this--so, now, I feel like I can't even talk to him. </p> <p>He is so supportive--he doesn't mind GrubHub or frozen meals on days that I can't get it together and even though he leaves for work around the time DD wakes up and gets home around the time she goes to sleep, when he can, he helps with the cleaning. Last weekend was the FIRST time he has expressed a less panic-stricken reaction at the idea of me leaving the house without my daughter (he actually suggested I take her with me to get my flu shot about a month ago) &amp; even then it was like, one pilates class, but he seemed stressed when I suggested I go to Sprouts later that day without her--so, I'm still very limited. </p> <p>My fear is that I am being ruled by my own anxieties and have become hyper-sensitive to criticism. I have even distanced myself from certain mom friends because they have a different parenting style than I do and I feel judged by them--so, that issues in further isolation.</p> <p>Some remedies I am looking into from Healthline.com: </p> <p>-Take care of your body (The new Pilates class and scheduled walks outdoors) </p> <p>-Take time for yourself (This is hard, because the only people my husband trusts with Luna are me and his mom and I don't fully trust his mom, not-to-mention the added stress of dealing with her criticism is not helpful)</p> <p>-Set realistic goals (luckily for me, my husband understands and appreciates everything I am able to do--I'm the one who can't comprehend my lack of productivity at this stage of motherhood... so, I need to reflect and adjust my own expectations...)</p> <p>-Talk about it (That's what this is--thanks for listening, lol) </p>