https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 04 Apr 2026 15:51:41 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914990 Tue, 05 May 2020 16:52:53 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2914990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks, all. I really appreciate the perspective that technically they don't owe me any explanations and am trying to internalize that. I always just kind of assumed that this is the kind of stuff we'd share with each other (I do with my mom and kind of assumed it would be a two-way street, which is probably why this bothers me so much), but I guess I should take the hint that it's not a correct assumption, rather than getting wound up about it. Really appreciate your input! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914987 Tue, 05 May 2020 16:11:19 +0000 erinbaderin 2914987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So part of me kind of agrees with your mom - if nobody was seriously ill, it’s not a huge deal and why cause you stress? But a) telling your brother and asking him also not to tell you and b) this being a pattern would upset me more. </p> <p>No advice, really, just sympathy - my parents are like this too. When my great-aunt died it turned out she’d had cancer for six months and my parents didn’t tell me because they thought I’d be sad, and when our family cat died (at 22, we’d had her my whole life) they didn’t tell me for a month, but they told my roommate (for...some reason?) and asked her not to tell me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914971 Mon, 04 May 2020 23:56:50 +0000 Grace 2914971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would say have it out and try to be open-minded. I say that because what your mom is doing is so so common. There’s a lot of people who don’t share medical issues - it’s a private thing for them. If that’s the case with your mom - kind of a “my health is none of your business” attitude, then perhaps you have nothing to worry about with your daughter. But you’d have to have the conversation - guessing will do you no good. I’m glad their ok though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914950 Mon, 04 May 2020 16:59:29 +0000 LemonJack 2914950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@annem1990: I agree with this. I’d keep the two issues separate if possible. </p> <p>OP, what kind of other stuff has she kept from you? That would determine my feelings on it. If it’s all stuff related to her or your dad (medical or personal) then I wouldn’t worry as much about if she’d keep something about your kids from you. I understand why you’re upset though, and don’t blame you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914946 Mon, 04 May 2020 14:23:50 +0000 annem1990 2914946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes that tough. I get both sides. I myself have gone through major health issues in the past few years. It would feel very intrusive if I felt I had to tell my family as soon as these came up. Sometimes you need time to process before you can talk about it. Something infectious though is sort of a different story because you’d hope that you would be aware before you came in contact with them. But still, it’s their bodies and their choice of what/when to tell anyone. </p> <p>It sounds like what’s making you more angry is the fact that you’re not sure what information they would divulge if they had your child in their care. I would put those two things as separate entities. Your parents have the right to keep their health information to themselves if they so choose. They don’t have the right to withhold information if it affects your child. I’m not even sure how I’d go about discussing that. My parents have certainly not told us health things as they’ve come up. Sometimes we find out months later. That doesn’t really bother me. However, I trust them completely that they would divulge ANY information that would affect my children in their care. Maybe acknowledge that’s the real issue? You aren’t upset that she isn’t telling you everything (she doesn’t have to!), but that you’re worried what she’s not telling you now or in the future will directly or indirectly hurt your child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914938 Mon, 04 May 2020 10:45:31 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2914938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: yup, I'd buy that. This is the woman who insisted on dancing at a birthday party 3 weeks after a major back surgery (effectively setting herself back weeks in progress, which everyone told her would happen). You actually got me thinking - if this is how she thinks about things that happen to her and my dad (if I don't say anything it's not going to be a big deal, nothing to worry about), then she puts the rest of that energy into blowing out of proportion things that happen to us (like checking in multiple times a day any time my kid has an ear infection or strep and is completely unaffected by it usually but my mother still insists on making sure she's ok multiple times a day). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914926 Mon, 04 May 2020 08:18:16 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2914926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh I commiserate so much with you. I come from a looooong line of family who do this and it drives me bananas. My uncle hid his MS diagnosis for years, my grandpa his cancer severity for months, and my mom has done this in the past too for many things. I have confronted my mom several times and it has gotten through to her to the point where she often tells me things before everyone else now! We are also very close so I can tell from her voice and even her texting style if something is wrong so she’s learned she can’t hide from me ha</p> <p>I would totally confront them. In this case I would throw in the fact that in a worse case scenario, your dad could have been taken away to hospital and you never saw him again without even knowing he was sick. That’s extremely serious and I would be totally furious. I think you could also mention this makes you lose trust in them when it comes to your kids like someone else mentioned.</p> <p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know firsthand how frustrating it is to be in your shoes. I hope they come around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914925 Mon, 04 May 2020 08:00:43 +0000 MrsSCB 2914925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, I totally understand your frustrations, I would feel hurt as well. Reading your follow up comment about "not wanting anyone to make a fuss" -- do you think this could actually be a form of denial for her? Like if she doesn't tell other people (you) and have to see their reaction to a potentially quite serious medical issue, it won't feel as serious as it is. Maybe saying she doesn't want to "worry you" might be an excuse or way to hide that her real reasoning is she doesn't want to have to confront the severity of the issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914924 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:57:14 +0000 lisa1783 2914924@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would say "when you don't tell me important health information about my family, i don't know if i can trust you to watch the girls anymore. i worry you won't tell me if something happens to them while they're with you, like you not telling me that you and dad had covid" i'd be more upset that it's the continuation of the same pattern of behavior and her lack of remorse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914923 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:54:25 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2914923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: I do think it's coming from a genuine place for my mother (my dad was not on board with lying to me, but he tends to defer to my mother because she's crazy aggressive), but it definitely has nothing to do with privacy. She claims she doesn't want anyone making a fuss over them (in the past, she withheld that she was having surgeries multiple times with the argument that she didn't want us to show up and take care of her). It's not a privacy issue because she'll usually tell anyone who's within earshot about aches, pains, whatever, often to a point of TMI. We've always respected her wishes and never showed up when she didn't want us to, and I've told her every time that she would pull this kind of stunt that I would respect what she wanted, I just wanted to know what was going on. And heaven forbid I don't tell her something - I once forgot to mention that my kid had an ear infection (it was minor and I forgot about it myself) and didn't hear the end of it for weeks. I do hear the point that I guess they aren't required to tell me anything, though this just feels like such a stupid thing when it's big stuff like this. I can't even imagine how much shit I would have gotten had one of us gotten sick and didn't tell her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914922 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:46:24 +0000 gotkimchi 2914922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I’m sorry that’s really hard. I think you need to address all three of them because that’s some bullshit </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914921 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:45:03 +0000 bloved 2914921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm, I think it depends on the other things they've kept from you.</p> <p>My parents are extremely private about their health...to the point where, when I was a kid, my mom had surgery for a brain tumor and they just told us it was a minor ear surgery. They did not want us to worry. To this day, they are still extremely tight lipped about health issues. Personally, I feel like a person's medical issues are their personal business and they can share (or not share) however much they are comfortable with.</p> <p>That being said, I trust my parents 110% and have no worries about them keeping other things secret and / or not keeping me in the loop about my own children.</p> <p>So, this is a longwinded way to say: If they are typically only secretive about health stuff, I would not think this is a larger issue to be upset about. If they keep other things secretive as well, I might be more concerned.</p> <p>Regardless, I agree with your therapist, and if it is an issue for you, you should discuss it with your parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914920 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:43:03 +0000 Mama Bird 2914920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, glad your parents are ok and you don't have to worry about them getting COVID.</p> <p>Second of all, wow. That's a lot. Honestly, I would call and yell and get out everything I think about their decision. That's a lot to keep inside and be the better person about. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914919 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:41:10 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2914919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: my brother, like my dad, is very non-confrontational. I'm guessing they told him because he's local and they didn't want him to pop by unknowingly. When I called him on it, he said he didn't think it was a big deal ("it's not like there's anything you can do about it") and if it meant they would stay calmer, he was fine with it. My dad was against this idea, btw, but didn't want to argue with my mother, which is basically how our family dynamics go in general. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914917 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:18:01 +0000 Andrea 2914917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, so glad your parents are ok. </p> <p>I can see my mom doing the same thing so I understand. I really limit contact between her and the kids. (But that's always easy to do since we don't live on the same continent.) She's commented that I should get my 10 year old an iPhone so she can just contact her directly. The thought of that terrifies me! Not sure how I will handle things with her once my kids are old enough to have their own phones. :shocked: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914916 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:16:45 +0000 SweetCaroline 2914916@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While I was reading this (thankful they are now doing well), part of me was like, eff them. If they aren't going to keep you in the loop, then clearly they should never expect you to be a participant in their health/medical matters as they continue to age. While sad, they are establishing boundaries, but also sending a clear message about the level of involvement they want? I don't know, the real reason behind their omission intrigues me.</p> <p>HOWEVER, when I got to the part about them watching your kids...hell no. Cannot be trusted, and they should know how their choices have degraded your trust in them.</p> <p>Ugh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914915 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:08:16 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2914915@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’d tell them you can’t trust them to watch your kid. Because I wouldn’t. Glad they are doing better and sorry they tried to hide it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914914 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:04:01 +0000 winter_wonder 2914914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm glad your parents are ok and recovering. I would be mad too and find it interesting that they told your brother but not you. Although I would feel hurt, I would also try to see it from there side too. Do you think it is coming from a genuine place of them not wanting to worry you? My parents are extremely private people and will sometimes not share something with me bc they're just private or don't want my brother and me to worry (but they tend to follow the rule of either we both know or we both don't).</p> <p>I think your last points about fearing they might not share something about your kids while in their care is an important discussion to have. In that case, honesty trumps worrying bc you're the parent. I might approach the conversation that way and see what they say. Sorry, this is really hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914913 Mon, 04 May 2020 07:02:18 +0000 gotkimchi 2914913@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why did your brother agree to this? I guess there are two sides to this the one being that your parents are adults and don’t have to tell you anything they don’t want too and the other being that you don’t have to accept that since relationships are built on trust. My in laws are very much like this but my brother in law and sister in law would never keep something from us. We always present a united front. So I guess I’d be mad at your brother as well. And as for your mom I’d tell her what you told us - that this makes you wonder what else she is hiding from you and makes you question your child being in her care. Your an adult and need to be treated as such and in your relationships you don’t have lie </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parent-issue-wwyd#post-2914912 Mon, 04 May 2020 06:39:55 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2914912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>On Tuesday, I found out that my dad is sick with COVID. When I found out, it turned out that he had been sick for 2 weeks at that point. My mother insisted that no one tell me (my brother knew as well) so that I didn't worry. My dad also told me that my mother had it first (she works for assisted living, where she was exposed, he got it from her) but was thankfully mostly asymptomatic. Thank God, my dad (despite being very high risk with chronic hypertension and a 40 year smoking history) never had breathing issues and has managed it at home and is now starting to get back to normal. </p> <p>I am livid, enraged, sad, disappointed - all the things. This is not the first time my mother has withheld information from me on the pretense of me not worrying, so I'm not in the slightest bit surprised she did this, but it's hitting me much harder this time emotionally than it had in the past. We have not talked about this since I found it - she has not said a word other than calling out "don't be mad" at the end of the nightly bedtime Facetime call she does with my daughter every night. I have not said a word, even though my therapist told me I should confront her. I definitely have a lot that I want to say, but I'm nearly certain it won't make a bit of difference. I doubt she's at all remorseful - when I've told her in the past how it impacts me when she doesn't tell me things (because duh, I still worry but now I'm also angry on top of it), she just brushed me off. She's acting like everything is fine and since we don't live close and there's really no impetus to resolve this and she has this standing time with my kid every night, she's not going to engage me herself. I imagine that I'll get over it eventually, but right now I'm going everywhere between wanting to loudly blast her to telling her she's never going to get time with my kid alone again (under normal circumstances, she takes her for a couple weeks in the spring and summer and now I'm wondering if she wouldn't tell me if something went wrong with my kid while in her care on the pretense of me not worrying) to just never talking to her again. </p> <p>Thoughts/ideas? </p>