https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 18:48:21 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809360 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 18:20:33 +0000 nwm 2809360@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>so much great advice here! i just wanted to chime in with a couple other posters who said they noticed a preference actually stemming from the preferred parent's unavailability. my DH is a super hands-on dad, and we also have a nanny who is with our son M-F, who has been with us since he was 4 months and has always had a great relationship with him. because of these two awesome other people, he hardly seemed to notice how generally busy my job is, until i had a nightmare work month at the start of this year. i had to be away a few weekends and the mommy preference suddenly went crazy, not only with DH but with the nanny as well. i handle the handoff with her in the morning (DH has already gone to work) and it was brutal for a while, with DS screaming for mommy to read him stories or feed him breakfast or whatever was going on. i have found that 1) since work got better this has gotten WAY better--it was definitely tied to just not getting enough time with me and 2) it has helped to give him a little bit of a sense of control. if he asks mommy to read a story before i go (or rather, demands that mommy read instead of nana), i will try basically always to find the time to stop and read a story and then do a bit of bargaining (ok, mommy will read you a story and then you are going to have so much fun playing with nana! ok?) and he is so much happier and makes a much smoother transition. just wonder if it could be helpful to treat it as a control issue and give some sense of autonomy or control over who's going to be hanging out with her? i also find when i did that more with DS, he was also more likely to pick DH or the nanny if given the option. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809282 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 14:19:03 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2809282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: It's super tough to do, but my two sons couldn't be more different. What worked with my older son doesn't at all work with my younger son. DS2 is far more perceptive and LOVES to push buttons, while DS1 was more in tune with how his actions hurt others and didn't want to hurt anyone.</p> <p>DS2 reacts better when I'm more calm. I now know that every morning, he will whine when daddy doesn't get him, so I make it a game. I'll run in, tickle him, and run back out - not even giving him a chance to whine. I'll open the door a crack and peek in, and he'll hide his face...run back in, tickle, run back out. That immediately puts him in a goofy mood and he forgets that daddy isn't there to wake him up. Misdirection is key! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809280 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 14:11:59 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: You are exactly right - she's a perceptive kid, she likes to push buttons and test things out (we call her a baby lawyer regularly because she's always looking for workarounds and holes in our reasoning), so when he responds argumentatively, she only escalates. I've told him to approach things calmly and lovingly but he tends to escalate because he thinks he's teaching her that she's wrong, which only makes it worse inevitably. I really appreciate the suggestions, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809269 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 13:49:21 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2809269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I'm in full agreement with so much of what GingerBee said. I think a lot of it has to do with the way your DH reacts to her saying the things she does. She may only be 4, but she seems really perceptive. She knows based on your DH's reaction that she's hurting his feelings, but she's doing what she's doing to get that reaction from him. I love GingerBee's suggestions in that he calmly says that it's ok that she doesn't want a hug, daddy to give her a bath, insert other thing here, but daddy enjoys spending time with her, and loves her. And he's never going to stop loving spending time with her. Telling her that she's hurting his feelings and that it's not acting nicely, is a great start.</p> <p>This was me with both of our sons. They both preferred daddy. Our 2.5 year old whines and cries every morning if daddy has already left for work and it's me waking him up. I take it in stride and know that it's a phase. I'll do something that I know will make him laugh or put him in a better mood, and he then reaches for me. If it's our older son who is 5.5, I'll just let him know that what he said wasn't very nice, and that I like spending time with him too. We also never give into their demands to see the other parent either until they've apologized for their actions towards the parent they've hurt. You don't reward them for doing things they aren't supposed to in other realms, this shouldn't be any different. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809264 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 13:32:42 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809264@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: YES! Seeing how much she mimics, I definitely have learned to be intentional with my words. And with approaching things calmly, especially when it's the hardest. Awesome points, I'll talk to him some more today about all this, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809256 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 13:15:41 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2809256@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am also the non preferred mom. It was definitely hurtful for quite a while, especially when my son would say things like mama go away! While screaming at me ha </p> <p>DW is due with our second in September so it has shifted. He is still a mommy’s boy, but he is coming around to me and we only have occasional issues now. For me, I had to just remind myself that he is 3 and he doesn’t understand that he is being hurtful. It was hard but I just let it roll off. Now we do tell him that it’s mean and he needs to apologize, which he does kind of get. I’ve been much more active in doing things just me and him as well, which he is fine when it’s just us. That way both me and him get great one on one time together which strengthens our bond and makes me feel confident as a parent. I also try to focus on things his mommy doesn’t do with him that I enjoy. He likes roughhousing so that’s ‘my thing’ with him. Same with helping in the kitchen, going grocery shopping, etc. We do a gymnastics class together too whereas mommy does swimming. Not giving into his demands as well and DW saying she wants me to be around them helps too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809251 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 12:40:07 +0000 wrkbrk 2809251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: No advice, just commiseration. This is us too, but it's DW that DS prefers. We parent the exact same (in my view) and spend equal time with him but he just ADORES her. I mean, it's cute when it's not hurting my feelings, lol. He is too young to expressly say he doesn't want me, and he will take me if she isn't around, but if, for example, we both pick him up together from daycare he will run right past me and into her arms - ouch. Haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809250 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 12:39:14 +0000 gingerbebe 2809250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Its so hard. For a while, DS1 was being such a rat fink that DH and I got in a habit of walking away from DS1 after an altercation by sighing and saying "fine, I don't care." We didn't think much of it, until DS1 started walking away from US pouting "fine, I don't care." And then we were like NEEDLE SCRATCH NOOOOO - WE DONE BAD. </p> <p>DH and I were like we CANNOT use that phrase anymore because of COURSE we care and its NOT okay to just give up and walk away from someone you love. NO NO NO. Parent fail so hard. So now we say things like "I'm not going to talk to you if you're not going to be nice. It makes Mommy too sad." Or "You are not being nice to Daddy right now. Daddy loves you and I'm a nice Daddy, but you are being not nice. You can sit there until you can be a nice boy." Then DS1 usually comes after us and tries to mend things and we can more calmly correct him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809237 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 12:00:18 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I love this comment so much, thank you! My husband reacts very strongly to rejection in general, so I wouldn't be surprised at all if in these interactions (many of which I don't witness), he withdraws rather than engaging or articulating his feelings. I've talked to him about that, but your comment is a great reminder about the work he could be doing not only to remember that he's dealing with a 4 year old and he needs to rise above it, but also on learning from the experience. Thank you thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809231 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:48:40 +0000 gingerbebe 2809231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice on how to help your daughter per se, since as you say, she's 5 and there's only so much you can expect a child to understand emotionally, other than consistently reinforcing that she's hurting her father's feelings.</p> <p>Its thankless and awful and depressing as the parent when our kids go through these phases, but for me its easier to take the reins emotionally and ask myself how I can USE this particular phase for my family/my child's longterm benefit, even if it sucks for me. Like, if I have some positive outcome I can look to, I can better deal with the crappy period. For instance, we are going through a pissy attitude phase with our 3.5 year old - lots of eye rolling, attitude, refusing to comply with instructions, willful disobedience, etc. And trying to consistently parent through that in a positive way instead of just yelling at him is stinking hard and I want to rip my hair out. But DH and I had a talk and we were like WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE THIS PAY OFF SOMEHOW IN THE LONG RUN. Since we are Christian, we are trying to intentionally work in more Biblical instruction in our answers when the inevitable pissy attitude "WHY??" comes at us instead of just saying "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!" In some cases, we are literally answering him with Bible verses. Our son has a ridiculous memory, so we know that even if he doesn't comply, us repeatedly reciting those verses will get embedded into his brain and he will remember them (in fact, he goes around reciting them). And for us, if we get nothing out of this phase but him memorizing 5-6 Bible verses, that's still a long term win because he will know those verses forever and they may come in handy for him in the future.</p> <p>So, in your case, your husband can and should, as a father, use this as an opportunity to show your daughter that he will never stop pursuing her and loving her and being there for her, regardless of how she acts. You can explain to him that yes, this is an excruciating thing to go through as a father, but that this is one of those phases where if he puts in the work, it can pay massive dividends down the line for her sense of security, confidence, and ingraining a positive example of how men should treat her as a woman. If she doesn't want to be touched or held by daddy, daddy respects that and says "Okay, well it makes Daddy sad when you say mean things to me. Its not nice. If you don't want a hug, you can just say 'no thank you.' But I love you very much and I really love it when we have snuggles, so if you need a hug, Daddy is here." If she fusses about Daddy tucking her in instead of Mommy, acknowledge her feelings, but say "Daddy loves you and loves our special time so much. I am so excited to read books with you." And end every interaction together with "Daddy loves spending time with you - you are my favorite (insert name). Thank you for spending time with me." And perhaps you guys can start a habit of date nights with each individual parent in a scheduled way so that she knows there will be set times where she will spend time with Daddy and they can do something fun together and he can further have positive experiences with her - positive not necessarily in that HE will have a good time, but that he will have an opportunity to show her one-on-one what a loving, respectful father will do for her.</p> <p>Basically, he KNOWS its a phase too, but if he can buy into the idea that he can use this phase for something good for her, then perhaps he can grind it out with a better attitude. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809225 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:30:54 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@creativemomma15: I actually agree with that idea, I think she wants more time with me and thus lashes out at her dad, so I've really tried to be more engaged with her and setting aside some time for us to do things together. Sometimes I worry that I'm having the opposite effect, though, because then she'll bring up doing XYZ with me and how she wants to do that all the time and not whatever she may do with her dad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809222 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:26:35 +0000 Shantuck 2809222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bhbee: We didn't try it until recently but it might be worth a try with a 3 year old. The premise of the book is that everyone has an imaginary bucket and when you speak unkindly to someone, it takes water out of their bucket and people with empty buckets feel sad. It's a tangible way for a kid to realize that when they say something mean, they take a little bit away from the person they said it to. The tangibleness of the bucket/water analogy has helped my son to understand that if he says something mean, it makes the person feel sad or empty. He will now apologize after he says something hurtful to try to help re-fill the person's bucket. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809219 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:21:19 +0000 bhbee 2809219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Shantuck: what age do you think can “get” that concept in the book? I’m thinking definitely 6 but wondering about 3. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809217 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:20:11 +0000 creativemomma15 2809217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: this is something we struggle with with our middle daughter. We had been seeing a therapist for some struggles with our oldest and once mentioned in an email these Mommy preferences our daughter had been having. It seems counter intuitive but she said that it could be stemming from her needing more time with me and to be more intentional with that. We kind of went with it then. We didn’t let her dictate who got to do what with her but I tried to have more focused time with her and stuck with the routines we already had in place with her and her daddy. It did get better some. It all kind f evened out then that I don’t remember struggling with it for long but I will say that we are entering into it again now and this post has been a reminder to try to rethink our one on one time with her. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. It is exhausting for both parents! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809210 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:09:32 +0000 codeitall 2809210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DS is 3yo and definitely has a daddy preference. Transitions are also the hardest for us. He wakes up to me while DH has already left for work and just cries for Dad...</p> <p>What has helped me to feel better and calmer about battling the daddy preference is to go on special mom adventures. We do lots of trips to museums, stores and parks. Sure, sometimes he cries when we leave Dad at home to study, but he usually recovers by the time we get somewhere.</p> <p>I won't say that it has actually helped the parental preference from my son's POV, but it has helped me cope with it. I just feel better knowing that he does like to do fun things with me and I'm doing the best I can to nurture our relationship. It helps me react calmer to his whining for Dad in the morning too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809204 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 10:57:15 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Shantuck: Thanks, I'll check that out! I'm trying to figure out what may be causing this, because it's so odd. I would even understand it to some extent if there was a disparity in how much time we spent with her or ways we engaged with her, but we're really so very equally hands on, and we even respond to these issues the same way. The only thing I can think of is that DH's emotional intelligence isn't as strong, so he tends to respond to any negative behavior on her part more critically/argumentatively rather than from a place of understanding and calm, but even then, he's such an even-keel guy that he never raises his voice and arguably he's even more permissive with her than I am. I'll check out the book for sure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809198 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 10:21:45 +0000 Shantuck 2809198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Somebody here recommended the book "How Full Is Your Bucket?" when we were having some issues with not nice behavior awhile back. We actually talk about that book whenever my son says something not nice (I've gotten the "I wish I had a different mommy before") and it is a more tangible way for kids to understand how the things they do and say make others feel. That might be worth a try to at least start lessening the occurrence of the behavior... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809186 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 09:44:55 +0000 Mama Bird 2809186@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's rough. I mean... "I want a different daddy"? They sure know how to say the worst thing possible sometimes :crying: </p> <p>I think DS would be like this now, if he was an only child. He had to learn the hard way that sometimes I just don't have time to do stuff for him - but daddy does. It was not pretty. I wonder if it might help if you were "very busy" with something every day during a particular routine, so she gets used to Daddy handling it. Morning and bedtime are not the best times to try that, because she's going to be either groggy or really tired, but maybe dinner or playtime...</p> <p>And of course, it's a phase. A very annoying phase that will pass. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809185 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 09:44:01 +0000 snowjewelz 2809185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry! Also I def want to commend him for being the adult and "sucking it up" even though obviously he's distraught about it.</p> <p>DD1 was 100% team mommy until DD2 was born and daddy took over a lot of stuff I did with her. She protested but ultimately she became much more balance and dare I say even a daddy's girl sometimes now (b/c DD2 is young and still needs me a lot re: nursing). It was hard for DH but now he is on the other side and he would say it was worth it</p> <p>Def hang in there :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809179 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 09:25:27 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809179@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Shantuck: We definitely don't change our plans (dad is still on morning duty, we still alternate bedtime duty, etc.) so we definitely don't let her run the show, and we've been talking to her more as she gets older that mom and dad are partners and take turns. But it flares up enough regardless that it's obviously bothering him, and he doesn't handle it very well so I'm just trying to think of ways to make him feel better but also alleviate some of this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809161 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 08:35:23 +0000 Shantuck 2809161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I should also add that we did stop catering to my son's preferences. For example, he would always pick me to get him ready for bed but we started doing an every other night thing with respect to which parent did what and when he objected to Dad being the one, he was given the choice just to skip books and go to sleep immediately. I think eventually he stopped thinking he was in control... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809159 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 08:26:41 +0000 Shantuck 2809159@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has been our story as well until recently. My son will be 6 in June and until recently has been all about mommy. We both work but we’re both around comparable amounts. I’m not sure we’ve done anything to change it but I do think our one year old entering the picture has changed our family dynamic generally speaking. As a result of my being around the baby to nurse, etc. when she was first born, my husband has spent a lot more time with our son (bringing him to school events, tee ball games, etc.). Maybe plan a few daddy / daughter days where she gets to pick a fun activity and then go get a special treat afterwards. I really thought I’d never see this day after 5.5 years but here we are! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809149 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 07:50:29 +0000 FaithFertility 2809149@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ohh man :( I'm so sorry! I was going to respond with my daughter does this sometimes too until the "I want a different Daddy!" part, how hard for DH! </p> <p>Mayne she is just trying to show her feelings, could DH pick her up and do something special, or could you be out of the house for bed time.and DH can do the routine and make it extra fun?! </p> <p>Sorry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parental-preference-coping-for-dh#post-2809145 Mon, 12 Mar 2018 07:45:47 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2809145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter is a few months shy of 5, and for reasons I can't really explain, the last few months she's been hardcore on mommy preference. Hubby and I are very equal parents - we work similar schedules so we tag-team daycare duty (he's the morning wakeup/dropoff person, I'm the evening pickup person), we're both home for dinner and on weekends so we're pretty equal in time spent with kiddo, and in fact, hubby is much better at being the fun parent than I am, so we get pretty equal time playing with our daughter, we tag-team sick days, etc. However, kiddo is still all mommy all the time, and hubby is having a really hard time with it, so I'm wondering how to help him cope. It tends to be particularly acute during transition times - ie, when she wakes up in the morning, she gets mad that it's not me (even though he's always the one to wake her up on weekdays); she wants me to read to her and put her to bed every night, even though we do it equally; she'll behave just fine during bathtime with me but throw fits if he's doing it, etc. A few times she's come out with "I want a different daddy" and things of that nature, and we talk very intentionally about how things like that hurt dad's feelings, etc, but she's still a 4 year old with the requisite emotional maturity. 90% of the time, after these transitions have passed, they have a great time together, but these flareups are really noticeable to him. It also doesn't help that physical touch/affection is his love language (and a very strong one at that) so he's feeling particularly rejected. </p> <p>I've talked to my husband a bunch about not taking it personally and I think he gets it intellectually but he's clearly very affected by this and I'm not sure how to help. Would love any ideas! </p>