https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 29 Jun 2026 08:21:48 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302594 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 16:12:33 +0000 Torchwood 2302594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NorCalWayfarer: It's pretty much a logical extension of RIE. I've even seen Alfie Kohn endorsed in RIE books. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302578 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 16:02:44 +0000 NorCalWayfarer 2302578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Love this! I follow Janet Landsbury/RIE parenting and it sounds very similar. Granted LO is only 14 months so we haven't encountered too many difficult behavioral situations with him yet (*knock on wood). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302528 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 15:13:29 +0000 arachna 2302528@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really big on connecting. Kids love their parents and especially small kids generally really want to do what they are asked. So if my daughter is refusing I get her attention and ask her what's going on. A lot of the time she will tell me and just the act of verbalizing it takes a lot of wind out of her sails. </p> <p>I rarely need to force her to do anything because our schedule is pretty flexible. So if it takes me 20 minutes before she agrees to put on her shoes that's fine because no one is waiting for us. Very rarely I have to physically do something because there is a safety issue and time constraint. </p> <p>If a kid is frequently not doing as asked I would wonder if something was wrong for them - they were feeling sad or upset and try to find out by spending time together and connecting. </p> <p>I do think it's often important to make statements instead of questions. If something has to be done don't ask the child because then they think a "no" is an option :).</p> <p>My daughter is 2 though so it's a bit different. I haven't been tempted to use threats yet, just too early. But I'm also overall indulgent - if there are no natural consequences (we are running out of time and won't be able to do X) I'm inclined to let her do whatever.</p> <p>I will often make "deals" with her. Okay "one more time X and then all done and we go Y" or "one time X and then all done and no crying" "deal?" I ask "deal" she says. Sometimes she starts crying a little and I remind her we had a deal and she agreed no crying and "hey you can't go back on your deal!" in a fun voice and she starts giggling a bit and we are good again. </p> <p>She loves it when I explain things. As long as I explain why we have to go do something and there is at least part of it she understands she is okay with it. </p> <p>So for example with screen time or something like that in an older child I would try "we can't watch too much screen time at once because it hurts your eyes and brain and then you won't be able to have fun blah blah and we have to have time for blah blah and you don't want your eyes to fall out?! Right?! haha! so lets go together and get a yummy snack and then we'll do blah blah blah"</p> <p>I don't think it's bribing necessarily or at least not always though occasionally I do use bribery. I think it's redirecting and offering other good choices. It doesn't have to be something "forbidden." My daughter loves it when we water the plants together. I think it's a good skill to learn to think "well if I can't do X thing I want maybe I can go do awesome Y thing and then do what needs to be done." Something like that. </p> <p>I remember from being a child that threats made me feel like there was a power struggle and "no surrender!"</p> <p>Oh and also empathy! Sometimes when she is genuinely upset about something I give her a minute or two to cry and just empathize about how upset she is before offering a distraction something new to focus on.</p> <p>Sorry if this all does't apply to 4 year olds but I would think there is some cross over. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302473 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 14:40:50 +0000 Rockies11 2302473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We don't use time outs or threats, but I think what I found most helpful when thinking it through is just reading through different approaches and seeing what is a good fit. I enjoy Alfie Kohn for ideas because he has a really neat way of questioning obedience as a goal for our children. I think a lot of his stuff would be impossible to apply to very young children effectively, but it's a great way of looking at your approach. We do a lot of empathic limit setting, modelling, and playful parenting approaches, taken from Aha Parenting. I take parenting classes and am always on the look-out for new techniques with new problems. </p> <p>With anything that we're trying I always try to focus on whether it's motivating (threats or bribes aren't terribly motivating in my mind), kind, and effective. If it isn't, we just try something different. Whenever I feel a bit lost in it, I have my main disciplinary idea in mind - the purpose of discipline is to teach self-control. That helps me to not worry that I am not focusing on obedience and compliance, like the way that I was parented. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302459 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 14:29:05 +0000 808love 2302459@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like Love and Logic too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302046 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 10:28:08 +0000 .twist. 2302046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: @Boopers: Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2302027 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 10:17:40 +0000 Boopers 2302027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: @.twist.: the website has lots of short articles to give you an idea about what Love and Logic is and the philosophy behind it. There is also a weekly email that you can sign up for. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301988 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 09:59:12 +0000 lawbee11 2301988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@.twist.: I read this book. I think there's also a website that might have a good amount of info!</p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301935 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 09:20:32 +0000 .twist. 2301935@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: What is the love and logic method? I'm curious :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301929 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 09:12:12 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2301929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I'm kind of glad to hear that choices were an issue for you too. They worked until dd was getting close to 3, and now that she has turned 3 we are definitely noticing that we give her two options and then she suggests a third, and if we happen to give her the third ever, she suggests a fourth, and even if she does one of our options (ie we don't let her choose a third, which is the norm) she will do it then change her mind and throw a fit about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301870 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 08:18:59 +0000 Greentea 2301870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't do threats. I am trying to think of how to explain what I do... I try to use logic, let her know for instance, you can't hit someone in the face, no one wants to be hit in the face. If it is her not listening it is usually because she is tired and sometimes looking for attention, I tend to take the approach of choices- if you don't listen you have to take a time out, so please listen now so that you don't have to deal with that. Things go pretty smoothly unless she is tired. I also try to check my own crankiness, try not to let myself get too mad. Let her know when I am cranky and need space, and recognize when she isn't at her best either. I try to focus on how healthy relationships work and treat her how I want to be treated. It takes a buttload of patience and obviously I am not perfect.</p> <p>In general I try not to be too hard on her, give her chances and choices, and use natural logic- you need to brush your teeth just like I do because that is how you take care of you (two hands production song!) or you don't want to stand on the couch because you don't want to go bonk like a monkey. (Referencing the 5 little monkey song.) I think a big part of it is finding out what works for that kid and how they like to be treated, just like with every relationship- or maybe I should say- how you need to treat them to get a desirable outcome. Like I said, not perfect and sometimes I yell, but even with that, we talk about how she should listen when I am using my nice voices so I don't have to yell. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301821 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 07:37:00 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2301821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My original.post was supposed to say don't lol </p> <p>I definitely believe in natural consequences but I rarely give my LO a consequence without earning her about what will happen first. I guess that is a threat. Maybe I should just tell her no once and then do the thing I would do if she doesn't listen without threatening. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301765 Fri, 25 Sep 2015 06:34:25 +0000 looch 2301765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have found that choice actually cause a lot of problems for my son. I was letting him have choices for things I thought were unimportant in the grand scheme to give him some control, but they turned into a "thing" and I had to back off on that tactic.</p> <p>I am largely at a loss myself, because we can take away all the things in the world and we can make my son sit on the naughty step or in his room and in the end, he'll still do the initial behaviour even after he has experienced the consequence. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301684 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 23:21:15 +0000 jedeve 2301684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try to do choices, without making one to be punitive. Like, "time to get in the car! You can walk there or I can carry you." Then if he doesn't want to be carried he can run to the car. And if he refuses to go he knows he is going to be picked up. I don't care which he chooses, so I don't turn one into a threat or punishment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301663 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 22:25:37 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2301663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I studied him but didn't read his entire original work...but that stuff just does not work on my lo. :/</p> <p>To answer the question I do give warnings and then a consequence. I am actively working on following through every time. It is hard with a very stubborn three year old, but it does usually get to the point where I just have to say "remember when.." or issue a warning and that's it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301662 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 22:23:52 +0000 mrbee 2301662@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Love that tip, thank you!! Will definitely check out that book... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301659 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 22:17:13 +0000 Torchwood 2301659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would recommend reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. He explains the drawbacks to traditional punitive parenting methods (and bribes), and offers some healthy alternatives. One thing I've read is to invite cooperation. So saying, "I can't let you do that because [reason], what do you think you could do instead?" Like, "I can't let you throw your truck, because you might hurt someone or break something," and they might suggest throwing something soft or going outside to throw a ball. It won't likely work in the heat of the moment, but if you discuss it once things have calmed down, then next time it is an issue you can remind them of their ideas. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301652 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 22:04:49 +0000 lawbee11 2301652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do the love and logic two choices method (I'm sure this is not what it's actually called). I think natural consequences are key. And consistency/following through. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301649 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 22:00:28 +0000 Boopers 2301649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: if you are using preschool friendly language and are consistent then yes.</p> <p>@Synchronicity: The important thing in that situation is if you offer the consequence you have to follow through the first time and be consistent every single time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301645 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:56:25 +0000 mrbee 2301645@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.KMM: My son is a sensitive kid, and threats in the heat of the moment really affect him negatively. So we've cut back on them in the moment, but later on will revisit whatever the issue was with his behavior and discuss how he might've handled it better (and any natural consequences from his choices). The approach works great with him, but not so well with his younger sister...</p> <p>@Synchronicity: I don't think bribes are a better choice! We've definitely cut back on them, except when we need to bring out the big guns in a crisis (usually a tough transition). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301644 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:55:21 +0000 Kemma 2301644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just had another thought, something I'm try to remind myself is that it's my job as a parent to guide my daughter and help her to learn appropriate behaviour. We've had a couple of major meltdowns lately because I've been expecting a three year old to regulate her emotions and behaviour but I haven't been helping or showing how to do that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301642 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:52:57 +0000 MrsSRS 2301642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Boopers: @Kemma: Hey there's a term for those? Neat! Some definitely work on kids as young as 2. I have great luck with "I will listen to you when your voice is calm" and "I will help you when I am asked nicely." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301641 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:51:15 +0000 Synchronicity 2301641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why are bribes a better choice than threats? I agree with PPs, threats can be very effective if you actually follow through, in which case it becomes more about consequences. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301637 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:49:14 +0000 Kemma 2301637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Boopers: I like this but do you think it works for preschoolers? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301623 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:43:23 +0000 hilsy85 2301623@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How do you differentiate threats va. Consequences? I feel like I use consequences a lot, but threats seem to me more...extreme? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301621 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:41:24 +0000 MrsSRS 2301621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: @mrbee: I guess when I was a nanny and had slightly older kids (mine are 2y and 3mo) eventually we just skipped most warnings/threats. The kids were smart, they knew what the household rules were, so we could just go straight to the consequence or just say the word 'warning' once. But then we always debriefed afterward and talked about what they could do differently next time. So, same result, just less talking on the front end. It worked well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301620 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:38:54 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2301620@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Personally I think threats are an important method (assuming you follow through with them). Kids need to learn that there are consequences for action and choices and that they have the ability to control those consequences by making good choices. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301616 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:35:57 +0000 Boopers 2301616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you tried enforceable statements? </p> <p><a href="https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/using-enforceable-statements" rel="nofollow">https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/using-enforceable-statements</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301612 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:32:28 +0000 Kemma 2301612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSRS: @mrbee: isn't that kind of natural consequences? I guess I consider threats to be more like "if you don't do x, you can't have ice cream / go to the park etc". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parenting-without-threats-what-are-my-alternatives#post-2301609 Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:28:16 +0000 mrbee 2301609@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: Yah those count as threats in my book!</p> <p>"If you do this [or don't do that]. then [consequence/doom/destruction/loss of privilege] shall follow!" </p>