https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 26 May 2026 17:14:30 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2441700 Fri, 29 Jan 2016 11:31:47 +0000 BadgerMom 2441700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: No worries, I didn't take offense to your original post at all! I was just trying to make you feel better that I don't think you need to worry that quantity of "things" makes kids spoiled, as long as you instill discipline, manners, gratitude, humility, etc. there is no more chance your kid is going to come out spoiled just because they're an only. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2441307 Fri, 29 Jan 2016 00:13:09 +0000 jaguar 2441307@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: Not at all! It's just an overall 'vibe' that people are so quick to throw out about only children. Irks me in a way similar to 'just adopt!' when it comes to infertility, you know? ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2441295 Fri, 29 Jan 2016 00:01:48 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2441295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BadgerMom: @jaguar: It actually bothers me as well. My brother and I are 8 years apart and for sometime, I was the only child. I feel that people (especially the older generation) are so quick to throw that word out and yet they have no idea what they're talking about. However, my association with being spoiled and being an only is really motivated by and limited to my extended family (which is a pretty extreme, and admittedly unusual example). I should have worded this post a lot better. I mean no offense.</p> <p>@ldh112: My mom's gift giving used to really worry me. But telling a grandma that's oceans away to stop loving her only grandbaby the only way she can ... yeh, I'm so not going to fight that battle! :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439300 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 21:05:27 +0000 catomd00 2439300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hope you don't mind me weighing in since I will soon have a second, but even though DD is only 2, as our first and only (until June) I worried a lot about spoiling her and worry about it even having multiple kids. My husband and I talk about it a lot because I'm more of a don't buy everything person and he is the opposite. Ultimately, we have come to the belief that quantity of things bought don't translate into entitled spoiled kids. You can give your children almost everything they could ever want, and also teach them to be gracious, humble and appreciative. The two are not mutually exclusive. I know plenty of only children who are spoiled (by things and attention) and plenty who aren't. Same goes for kids with sibling. It's really not about the quantity of things or attention, but the deeper lessons and values we teach our kids. I think if you're worried about spoiling them, it's a good indication you'll be installing the right values in them and they won't grow up spoiled. Just my two cents! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439253 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 19:43:26 +0000 ldh112 2439253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>following because I am not quite sure about more than 1 at this time... @jaguar: I agree that the stereotype is not fair! My brother and I were pretty spoiled (even without much material wealth, we pretty much got what we wanted). As others have said here, I think parenting has a lot to do with it. In some ways, I love the idea of my daughter being my one parental focus. Either way, it all goes back to the parents- i.e. If I felt like extended family gift giving/attention was detrimental in anyway, maybe that's a conversation you have with extended family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439169 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 17:06:37 +0000 jaguar 2439169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The stereotype of the only child being spoiled.. really bothers me. I've met plenty of multiple-children families who are also that way... meh.</p> <p>Miss almost-3 is our only, though not by choice. She would be raised the exact same way if she had siblings. Our parenting style wouldn't change. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439164 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 17:03:35 +0000 BadgerMom 2439164@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: Yes this! Thank you, you said that perfectly. I was an only child and I always resented the idea that onlies automatically equaled spoiled because they had more "things." People would tell me growing up that I didn't act like an only child, and frankly, "things" had nothing to do with it -- I had A LOT of things, but so did a lot of other people. I didn't "act like an only child" because my parents raised me with all those things you mentioned: discipline, manners, a sense of gratitude, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439135 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 16:26:23 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2439135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: @.twist.: I like your definition of spoiled. </p> <p>@Raindrop: Thank you. It is a concern of mine, athough DD (so far), hasn't acted out when it comes to toys - she really is a good kid - I know it's just a matter of time (she's only 3.5). I suppose it really is more about discipline than anything else. I find that oddly reassuring. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439127 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 16:18:57 +0000 Mrs. Pen 2439127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like my kid is spoiled - but I'm sure if I had more children, it'd be the same. He has so many toys... but I've never met families who have more kids that have fewer toys as a result, you know?</p> <p>The biggest thing I do to avoid spoiling is more about not letting him believe my world revolves around him. He knows that I need my time alone, he knows that my gym time is important to me. He's whined before when I buy a special food for myself and won't share - I tell him that some things belong to mommy, just like some things belong to him. It is my choice not to share, and he can't always get what he's wants. Sometimes if I'm working on something important and he's trying to get my attention, I tell him he needs to wait because there are others things I need to do too. I feel like he's finally starting to get it. But it's definitely hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439121 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 16:12:51 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2439121@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I've really loosened up with toys. I'm starting to embrace them as a way of learning - they do say that young kids learn through play 😊 Your parents sound awesome!</p> <p>@mediagirl: Thanks for the link! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439091 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 15:41:00 +0000 Rocker2014 2439091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's on my radar, but not a huge concern. DH and I both WOH and LO is in daycare, so she's sharing everything there, learning about taking turns, etc. She's also the youngest of 14 grandchildren (at the moment), and we don't live close to many family members so she's not getting a ton of extra there either. My husband grew up a middle child of 7, and he always felt like there wasn't enough time/energy/money to go around so he enjoys making sure LO has everything she needs, and some things she wants. I agree with @rachiecakes: "spoiling" a child is more about attitudes/manners than things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439090 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 15:39:16 +0000 DillonLion 2439090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not super worried. I'm an only and don't consider myself spoiled, although it was a blessing to have so much attention from family (also the only grandchild on both sides, nearly. I have one first cousin who is 11 years older than me). </p> <p>LO's extended family buys her a ton of toys/clothes/gifts, but we don't really get much for her at all. We intentionally live a lifestyle that isn't focused on consuming/spending, so I hope she'll come out of that with all the good lessons that go along with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439086 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 15:34:30 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2439086@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I found you post quite interesting because some of the things you've mentioned were my major concerns when LO was younger. The attention aspect especially rings true to my own extended family members (that are very spoiled). It's also one of the reasons why I originally wanted another child - I also think that sharing the spotlight, in a sense, is important for character building. </p> <p>However, I do believe it's possible to not spoil a kid rotten (even if s/he is an only child). With that said, I really like your point about putting the marriage first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439083 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 15:31:52 +0000 .twist. 2439083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: Totally agree with your definition of spoiled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2439002 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 14:33:02 +0000 Raindrop 2439002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My first son was the first grandson of both sides. He was mayor of Spoiled City! Haha.</p> <p>I had another and that has somewhat helps but he’s still very spoiled along with his baby brother because they are still the only grandkids of both sides (our brothers / their uncles really need to get a move on making kids). I worry about this a lot! Probably overly so.</p> <p>I want to just say that you worrying about this is probably a good sign your LO won’t be spoiled! </p> <p>I think you got some good advice in this thread but just remember you can only do your best sometimes things are just out of your hands. You are doing great! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438958 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 14:07:43 +0000 rachiecakes 2438958@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is an only and maybe some people might think he is spoiled because he has all my love and attention. </p> <p>I don't think wealth has anything to do with 'spoiling' a child. I think lack of discipline, manners, no sense of appreciation or gratitude, etc. and being rewarded despite all that is what makes a kid spoiled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438956 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 14:05:59 +0000 mediagirl 2438956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: I saw this article today and found it pretty fitting to this conversation. I've always felt spoiled and entitled went hand in hand. <a href="http://www.today.com/parents/entitled-kids-these-parenting-tips-can-change-behavior-t32201" rel="nofollow">http://www.today.com/parents/entitled-kids-these-parenting-tips-can-change-behavior-t32201</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438954 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 14:05:19 +0000 gingerbebe 2438954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: Like I said, I was sorta rambling, but it was just something I never really thought about until I was working around people who almost exclusively had only children and was myself facing the prospect of only have one. My husband had never really thought about the unique challenges having a single child would pose either until we faced the situation and it was something we talked about at length for the 3 long years it took us to have our son because we knew it would be easy to fall into the same pattern as my coworkers because our son was so dearly desired and it was so hard to have him. Furthermore, we did, until our son was 1, have an only child and that's the way we responded to the prospect of having an only child. So to the OP's original question as to whether or not we were concerned about spoiling our son, YES, we were, but it was oddly more that we were concerned how spoiling our son would change affect US and our marriage, than how it would affect our son, since we saw that our coworker's only children were caring, wonderful people, albeit used to the finer things in life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438944 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 13:54:10 +0000 mediagirl 2438944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: wow, you seem to have a lot of experience with only children. Through your co-workers. Sounds like your co-workers are very wealthy and do spoil their kids. I'm not sure how that helps the OP?</p> <p>@SugarplumsMom: responding to your response - I think a lot of this lies in how we treat our child and how they see us treating other people. If we bring them up to be responsible human beings, we can keep them from being spoiled. When Grandma gives gifts, we send thank you cards. We make sure when we talk to Grandma that we recognize the gift we sent. In my mind, being spoiled comes from not being appreciative. As long as we show our kids how to properly handle the things they are given and how to be a good person, they will be less likely to grow up spoiled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438940 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 13:53:07 +0000 yoursilverlining 2438940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO is an only and the only grandchild on both sides. There is no way to escape her being spoiled. So, I don’t try to fight that. Instead I focus on teaching her empathy and having volunteerism and social responsibility ingrained in her normal life and set of activities. </p> <p>When LO becomes “ungrateful” (I think she’s too young still to be truly ungrateful, but when she *expects* gifts or demands them and pitches a fit when she doesn’t get a gift), I check her behavior immediately and we talk about gratefulness. For example, my MIL gives LO a set of gifts/new toys every single week. A few weeks ago LO was getting a little pushy about how grandma needed to give her her presents. So LO and I talked a lot about how presents are extras and *not expected* and how the real gift is time with grandma, love, blah blah. We did this several times throughout the week.</p> <p>My husband is an only and is still spoiled rotten by his mom. He’s an incredibly thoughtful, caring, hardworking person….so I think it will be ok. (I hope! Lol) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438824 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 12:42:05 +0000 gingerbebe 2438824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have sort of a different perspective on this. My son is 16 months and we're expecting #2 in May, so he's not going to be the only for much longer, but I work in an office and industry where having 1 child late in life is the norm and watching my coworkers made me realize the challenges of raising 1 are really very unique. Not saying this is what you are dealing with at all, but it was just really interesting for me to observe.</p> <p>Oddly, the challenges in my office seemed to have less to do with the kids, because it wasn't that my coworkers' children are spoiled brats. Far from it, they are some of the brightest, most well-behaved and courteous children you'll ever meet. (Win for the parents). Its really more how that single child affected the parents and grandparents that surprised me. Because this is their only child or grandchild and because all the adults are older, usually with more means, SO much time, energy, and resources goes to this one kid. Their lives completely revolve around this one person and I know several who have chosen not to have a second child because they felt it was patently unfair to the oldest to take away a lifestyle to which they had become accustomed. Because the adults were doing the absolute maximum for the eldest child, they could not fathom doing twice that work for a younger one. Private schools, lessons and activities galore, staying up all night finishing their kid's school projects, amazing vacations, fancy birthday parties, over the top holidays - it was REALLY important to the parents to do all this, even if the kid never knew the difference. Particularly since the other friends and parents the kids associate with are going to be similar. The kids themselves then don't feel weird about asking for an iPhone 6s when they are 10 because their parents gave them an iPad when they were 5. And why should they?</p> <p>But it was concerning to me what this would do to the parent's marriages in the long run (the child was priority #1, always) and how their child's successes and failures would make the parents feel about themselves (since their identities were so wrapped up in that one child). I've seen people pissed that a spouse couldn't get a raise or promotion because how were they going to afford X for their kid now? (Its okay, Grandma is going to pony up the summer horse camp money, so we can still go on the 3 week trek through Nepal). One lady in my office told me she honestly has no idea what she'll do when she's an empty nester (the hope is that she can delay this by having her kid live at home while at college).</p> <p>As for the kid, I also worry about the pressure they might feel in all this, how helicopter parenting will affect them in the long run, and how they will perceive marriage and family growing up in that context. And logistically, having to be the only one in charge of the care of aging parents would suck, especially when SO much of the parental resources went into raising the kid. I have aging parents I have to deal with now and I'm SO happy I have a brother and future SIL to share this burden with.</p> <p>I had my son at 33 after 3 years of serious health issues, so there was a high probability that DS could have been an only child (at least naturally). (DS #2 was a complete surprise). So we really did consider strongly how to "manage" having only one child given what we saw happening to the COUPLES with only children. DH and I agreed we'd likely adopt a second child if we couldn't have one naturally or if that wasn't available because of my health, we would extensively plan for how to "help" our marriage and our child through the challenges of being a single child family. For one, we are ridiculously insured up to the hilt for long-term disability, life insurance, etc. and my husband is constantly working on strategies to manage our retirement and care in old age so that we are not a burden on our kids. We make it a point to put our marriage first, we are on board with parents-only vacations and regular dates, we work hard to create an environment where its clear to our son that Mommy and Daddy were a family already and you joined the party, as opposed to YOU are the purpose our family exists, we do not buy our son exorbitant gifts and ask relatives not buy them either (instead we ask for college contributions), and we ration and rotate his toys so much so that he still has unopened presents from his birthday in September and Christmas. And again, this is more for US psychologically, as opposed to our son, because he doesn't know anything other than what we model and show him. </p> <p>Now granted, similar concerns are also there for families with more than one child too, particularly if you have means (I know families who chose 2 over 3 kids for similar reasons), but as we mentally prepare for the strain having a second child, it does shift our concerns to other areas (how to SHARE attention between 2 kids while maintaining our marriage, how to provide adequately for 2 kids, etc.) </p> <p>Anyways, super long ramble, but its just something DH and I talked about for a long time and something I've had lots of in-depth discussions with my coworkers about (who are totally frank and open about the realities that I've outlined). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438344 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 07:37:20 +0000 looch 2438344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is an only and he is spoiled. The material things don't cause as much issue for us, it's the time and attention. My son has a hard time sharing attention because in the current family dynamic (extended as well), it's just him. I can't just introduce other family members, you know? So we try to make sure that sometimes, he doesn't get to call the shots and he has to wait it out.</p> <p>We buy him what he wants, within reason, but I don't really see that as an issue. For Christmas, for example, he desperately wanted a ride on car. I was against it at first and I tried to steer him to a few other smaller ideas, but he wasn't interested and I realized that if I could make a wish of his come true, why not do it? Wouln't I be better of spending the money on one thing he really wanted rather than on 5 things he didn't? I regularly buy my son new toys and books, I see it more as of exploring his interests and we're working on regularly donating things that are still in good condition to others.</p> <p>Heck, I am the oldest of three and I am spoiled rotten by my parents. When we travel, my mom comes to help me pack suitcases. My dad will routinely drop whatever he is doing at home to come and install a new electrical outlet when I decide I need one for my vaccum cleaner. I didn't grow up with access to a lot of material things, but my parents did stuff for all of us, and continue to do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438324 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 06:20:29 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2438324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mediagirl: I think of one of reasons why I've associated onlies with being spoiled is because of my own relatives that act very spoiled and they happen to be an only child. Hearing about my much younger cousin's antics - for instance, made me acutely aware of what I didn't want DD to grow up being (harsh example, but true). </p> <p>However, I live abroad and DD is my mom's only grandchild. Only grandbaby + living so far away has really kicked up grandma's gift giving. It's this aspect that used worry me, but I guess I've come to just accept things. I still space/separate/delay gifts, but it is what it is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438317 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 05:50:09 +0000 mediagirl 2438317@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I'd be conscious about it whether I had one or more than one. I haven't ever really put the only child thing plus spoiling together. We don't buy her a lot of things (she has SO MUCH already). I think this will be harder as she gets older and asks for things but right now I don't have to consciously worry about spoiling her. </p> <p>I try to buy things (toys and games) for holidays and hardly ever buy them throughout the year. I'd like to stick with that. And I believe that will help keep the spoiling to a minimum. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-of-onlies#post-2438305 Wed, 27 Jan 2016 04:25:34 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2438305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are you more conscious about not spoiling your LO since s/he is an only child? When DD was itty bitty, I was so much more aware about not spoiling her. Now that she's 3.5, I've definitely loosened up, especially when comes to toys. I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about this issue. </p> <p>Is it even an issue? (The older DD gets, the more I wonder why I even worry about). If you think it's definitely something you hope to prevent, what do you do to prevent it? </p>