https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 19 Apr 2026 03:41:10 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2399756 Thu, 24 Dec 2015 14:21:33 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 2399756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. My parents are 70 &amp; 71 and I'm their medical power of attorney if they need it. Even though they're healthy, I worry about when/how that will change. Big hugs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2399747 Thu, 24 Dec 2015 14:03:57 +0000 nana87 2399747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so hard, I'm sorry :( My father-in-law just passed away earlier this month, and actually had the opposite problem--he was really in denial, and didn't have an open, honest conversation about his prognosis until the very, very end, and at that point he was barely lucid. It caused so much heartache for his loved ones because everyone was afraid to talk to him about it. Cancer is just awful all around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2399512 Thu, 24 Dec 2015 08:01:30 +0000 ldh112 2399512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: When my dad initially was diagnosed and went through treatment, he became different as well. It was one of the better phases of my parents marriage. I think as he's gotten older and dealt with the reoccurrence and awful chemo side effects, coupled with major paranoia about world events (he's always been super right-wing) he too has just gone downhill. Thanks for sharing your story. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398603 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 14:39:51 +0000 skipra 2398603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think my dad is in a tough place right now. Due to previous injuries and major surgery complications is has been difficult for him to get around for many years. He was able to walk with crutches but then he fell and wrecked his shoulder on top of it all. He is quite overweight and had a heart attack and bypass surgery about 8 years ago. Going into the surgery he was prepared to die. It was so sad and scary. In the days leading up to it, he just told me story after story of when he was young. When he made it through, he was a changed man. Much more caring and softer than previously. A couple years ago his wife forced him to retire. Since then it has been all downhill. He gained back all weight he had lost and then some. He acts totally depressed and literally just sits in front of the Tv all day long. It is so sad. My sisters and I try to call him when his wife is not around to see how he is but he won't say much. I try to visit with the kids but it is hard because they get bored and crazy just hanging out in his living room. I don't really have any advice, just commiseration. It is really difficult to watch your parents age and even more difficult once they are gone. We lost my step-dad 4 years ago and there are so many things I regret about our relationship so after going through that I try my hardest to really stay involved with my parents as I can. Just visiting and calling often and telling them I love them. I don't know what else I can do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398508 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 14:10:56 +0000 DillonLion 2398508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Both of my parents have battled chronic (mental and physical) illness their entire life. They are currently 58, but have so many health problems they may as well be in their 80s. They are both on government disability because of their health issues. </p> <p>It has been a major source of stress and anxiety for me so I try my best to stay out of it. I'm an only child, though, and once they need more care, I'll have to step up the plate and get more involved. For now, they are still able to make-do taking care of each other and living on their own.</p> <p>Good for you for getting the therapy you need. I have gotten some but I have a lot to continue to work through myself. I deal with a lot of the same emotions you describe. Best of luck to everyone dealing with this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398495 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 14:07:08 +0000 ldh112 2398495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Wow, you really can relate in many ways. Thank you for sharing your story, especially as it pertains to your own health issues. Lately I have tried to think about it more from his perspective, how it would feel to have this disease that essentially comes and goes as it pleases... to then prepare yourself for the grueling chemo treatments which at least worked quickly and effectively last time... to then have pretty much every awful side effect possible occur, effectively taking over his life for the past 6 months. Even though I believe I am an emotionally healthier person in general, I can't imagine I would have an easy time dealing with this, let alone if I was someone like my dad (who I also think, like your dad, has an undiagnosed mental health issue). </p> <p>Thank you for your suggestions on ways to reach out to him. He isn't the type for "hand holding" and it is really hard to figure out how to show him I care in ways he will accept/appreciate. Maybe sending a card (even though they live 45 minutes away) on occasion would be a nice sentiment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398454 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:54:22 +0000 ldh112 2398454@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: I am really sorry to hear that about your dad. As a person in the mental health field, it really pains me to think of the unnecessary suffering my dad is experiencing. I have tried to bring up the subject of therapy or looking for a support group before and, as expected, he scoffed at the idea. Even one of his nurses brought it up to my mom during his hospital stay because his depressed state was pretty evident. I have wondered many times what he thinks about my career, given how quickly he shrugs off the idea of "getting help." </p> <p>Thanks for your reply @autumnleaves: - I don't expect advice here, just looking to hear that I am not alone in dealing with this dynamic. I am sorry about your mom. It's really difficult to watch your parents go through things like this.</p> <p>One thing that is really frustrating is constantly wondering what he and my mom really want. We are not going to do Christmas together this year because he is just really struggling with eating and needs to rest often. (Christmas has historically been very quiet and just with my immediate family until I got married. Then, my parents came to our place for dinner). I am sure a part of them wants to be with us, but they continue to say not to worry about it, so I am going to listen to them. I don't like being put in the position of being a mind reader. If they want to be miserable, I do believe it is their choice. (Again, this goes back to boundary work I've done in therapy). I will usually ask "are you sure?" a couple times and after this, I try to refrain from worrying about what they really want. It does get harder to not feel guilty about this, with him being sick. But I just can't make his choices for him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398435 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:44:00 +0000 gingerbebe 2398435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, first I want to say I probably understand a little of what you're dealing with. Well, my dad is 65 (about to turn 66) and he's sort of a sad sack in terms of his personality - like he's always been really moody and weird. He's an undiagnosed, untreated depressive with huge victim mentality issues and he's battled diabetes and its many related issues (totally his fault, a lifelong smoker, didn't treat it or take care of it for decades, ate whatever he wanted, etc) for 20+ years. Because of his own stupidity, he has heart and blood pressure issues, diabetes/blood sugar issues, glaucoma, almost died from not taking care of his feet and lost a toe in the process, and hasn't worked a day since his mid-40s. Like, he just quit life. We lost our house, our business, my parents declared bankruptcy, the works. He always talks about how his dad died of a heart attack at 70, so since he's been 60, has said things like "well I only have 10 good years left" and stuff like that. He's finally gotten regular treatment for his diabetes in the last year (he got on Medicare so he gets almost free care for all his diabetes stuff) but because of his poor health for years beforehand, he feels like he's super frail and vulnerable. He acts like someone in his 80s or something. If someone comes to the door, he freaks out and wont answer, wont answer the phone, he wont deal with the mail at all and leaves it to my mom or one of us to figure out (like if he gets a letter from the Social Security administration or something), insists on having all his meals prepared for him, he doesn't do chores, he doesn't do anything because "I'm disabled." He's really not, but he's just convinced himself he's on death's door. Its super frustrating because he just chose to be sick and act sick. And it pisses me of to no end, so I just choose to ignore his whining as much as possible and just not deal with his shenanigans as much as possible.</p> <p>But I might understand your dad a little too. I had surgery for a brain tumor a few years ago and the surgery itself went great and I just needed to heal up and go home after a few days. But then things went sideways in my recovery and I got REALLY sick. I had to be in ICU for weeks feeling sicker than I have ever been in my life and then spent months and months recovering at home. And I didn't really feel "normal" for a year afterwards. Having gone through that, I know mentally its a huge struggle to be sick. Like, it got so bad that I got ICU psychosis (I lost recollection of about 2 weeks of my life because of the trauma). I don't remember this part, but apparently at some point I couldn't take feeling miserable anymore so I asked my husband if I could just die. Mind you, I have everything to live for and my life is grat. He said no, you can't just die. At that point I apparently stopped breathing and all the alarms went off and my husband started shaking my foot and told me to breathe, you can't just die, and then I took a breath. He said it happened 7-8 other times while I was in ICU and since that experience, he tells families of sick people all the time that its really important that someone always be there with the patient because they get so upset or panicked at feeling so bad for so long that they just want out. And in his words "sometimes, you just need someone to shake your foot and remind you to breathe." Even after I got my wits back and I was at home, I was so miserable I would say things like "I wish I were dead. I feel so awful, I'm so tired of being sick." And I feel SO bad for having said that so many times to my husband, but it was just how I felt at the time. I probably stopped acting and feeling that way within 2 months of surgery, but I never had to go through a repeat situation (knock on wood) like your dad and I was only 31 when I went through my experience. I couldn't imagine being 65 and having gone through that kind of thing for 10 years. </p> <p>So it sounds like your dad is somewhere in between the two scenarios I've described above. He didn't make himself sick by choice like my father, but obviously he can choose to be stronger mentally about it. Perhaps he needs more hand holding than the average person and needs some more "foot shaking." Can you find ways to encourage him and send him love in a way that isn't emotionally draining? Perhaps regular cards or care packages that you can just mail? Harry and David fruit deliveries? Subscriptions to magazines or newspapers or send him some books he'd enjoy? My thing was my dad really needed a friend and no one wanted to spend time with him so I gave him my dog, who is super sweet and smart and impeccably trained. She is literally what gets him up in the morning and he has a companion all day long who always loves him and never complains. And I pay for all of the dogs vet care and needs and send gourmet food and lots of toys and treats for him to give to the dog. And whenever I see my dad, we just talk about the dog instead of his illness. My dog's starting to get older and my husband is really worried what my dad will do once my dog passes, so he's even suggested we adopt another dog and train it and then swap the dogs out so we can take care of Ginger in her old age and let my dad bond with the new younger dog. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398419 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:30:55 +0000 autumnleaves 2398419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes - my mother has Parkinson's and she is so depressed by that that she doesn't see the point in living. This is very hard as it really took a turn for the worse when my LO was less than 2 weeks old and now she knows I am expecting another LO and she continues to want to end her life. She was such a social person before and it is hard to believe what has happened. And things do not look like they are going to get better. No one can tell her that her health is going to improve and unfortunately she could be like this for a long time since Parkinson's is not terminal. She is not a spiritual person. She doesn't want to listen to other people anymore. We all think she needs a different psychiatrist and neurologist but she refuses to see anyone new.<br /> I wish I had solutions but unfortunately I don't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398416 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:28:07 +0000 Greentea 2398416@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I watched my grandpa get very depressed in old age. My dad did his best to help, continued to treat him like a normal person, took him out of the house everyday, took him fishing and on travels and adventures. When he became bedridden he stopped talking. It was hard to watch, but I try to accept it as a possibility/ reality/ potential part of life. I wish I had spent more time when he was bedridden, maybe playing guitar or reading him Kerouac. At the time it was hard for me. My dad was a trouper and took care of him. Then at 59 my dad took suddenly ill and got very sick. He got depressed and I couldn't talk him out of it. Then he took his life! </p> <p>I would do your best to spend time and treat them as always. If your dad gets too down, I would encourage him to seek someone to talk to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/parents-over-65-chronic-illness-when-i-die-conversations#post-2398386 Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:10:32 +0000 ldh112 2398386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no idea how to title this post but was curious about the experiences of others who have ill parents over 65 (the elderly cut-off, technically).</p> <p>My dad has battled a chronic form of leukemia for over 10 years now. He was in remission for a few years but it came back (hence the "chronic" component) and chemo this time around WIPED him out after two treatments earlier this year. He was hospitalized for over a week with virtually no immune system a few weeks after his second treatment. His immune system still hasn't recovered and he has to get daily white blood cell booster shots and has had other chemo attacks in his throat/mouth for months. He has gotten really frail, as well, due to difficulties eating (though I think some of this is from depression/stubbornness as well).</p> <p>All this to say, he has gotten increasingly negative and morbid. Now, this is also part of his personality but has gotten much worse since his chemo treatments 6 months ago. Sometimes it feels like he is just giving up on life when in fact, he is NOT actually dying. He makes comments all the time about his life ending. There is much more I could say, but honestly I just wish he would find something to be happy about, to live for, to not feel like everything is terrible. </p> <p>I refuse to take it on as my problem, but it is just a sad thing to watch happen. I told my husband I'd like to think I'd be a fighter if I was in my dad's shoes, trying to make the most out of my life. But, I think we are just very different (different emotional health, coping skills, different support systems).</p> <p>There is a ton of family dysfunction I won't even get into, but suffice it to say I have spent lots of time in therapy learning good boundaries with my family. I just am wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of thing with parents who sort of have given up on life in the face of "old age" and battling chronic illness. </p>