https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 04:20:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825608 Thu, 31 May 2018 14:59:33 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2825608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: As someone who struggles with anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness, I couldn't agree more.</p> <p>While I'm not a hoarder, I have a ton of crap on my desk at home. I feel like leaving something out will remind me to do something with that thing, and I never do...it just keeps piling up. But then when I do need whatever it is, I know exactly how to find it. It's like my own organized clutter. So when my DH moves it, it drives me crazy. </p> <p>We've learned to strike a balance in that the office is my space. Everything else needs to be tidy and cleaned up. Every so often, I take a day and clean the office and get rid of whatever isn't needed, but it's not as often as it should be. </p> <p>I figured out my obsessive compulsiveness as I went to therapy for my anxiety. I realized I had to have the silverware in the dishwasher a certain way, hang my clothes on the line a certain way. It's just who I am. I have it much more under control now than I did before, but I think some of the items your partner is obsessing about could be anxiety related. Your partner is just taking it out on the cleaner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825606 Thu, 31 May 2018 14:40:06 +0000 misolee 2825606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest</p> <p>We have had a cleaner for a year. My husband reluctantly agreed and every time they come he fusses about something or another. Annoys me but I just let it filter out. We're not going to get rid of the cleaner bc he's not going to do it. We're not going to get a better deal somewhere else (we got a really good deal) so I let him say what he wants to say but this monthly cleaner is happening. </p> <p>For example, this past month, he was griping that they didnt put his lotions exactly how he had set up. I told him that was ridiculous because if he wants them to wipe down and get rid of dust, they need to move everything and then put it back. If everything is in the exact place, that means they are just wiping around the items. I don't know if he got it, but he just likes to complain. </p> <p>As others have mentioned, I do declutter and put things away before she comes. I do dishes and leave an empty sink so they clean the sink. My husband is picky about his computer (that he always leaves on bc he runs a server through it) and we just let them know in advance not to touch it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825601 Thu, 31 May 2018 14:16:45 +0000 psw27 2825601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hoarding and obsessing about bottle lids, grocery receipts and papers and old crossed off to-do lists sounds like a mental health problem. Sure, a ruined immersion blender is something to be annoyed about. Everything else is over the top. Someone possibly touching a home computer that is password protected is paranoid. It sounds like the person you hired did exactly as told, and is now getting heckled about it by your partner. I don't think this is something you can work out with your partner until they recognize that there is more to the "clutter" than just "clutter" and it is more hoarding, obsessive compulsive behavior, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825538 Thu, 31 May 2018 09:54:52 +0000 MrsSCB 2825538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: Agreed, that seems like a highly unusual degree of security for home computer.</p> <p>Does he normally exhibit a bit of paranoia about his things/people being in his space? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825532 Thu, 31 May 2018 09:34:59 +0000 Truth Bombs 2825532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: Your description of your partner's computer security and the fact that he's freaking out and believing that a 20 something hacked into it while house sitting for you just furthers my belief that there are some much larger issues going on here. I don't think your partner is a jerk, but I do think he has some mental health issues that ought to be addressed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825464 Wed, 30 May 2018 21:21:03 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2825464@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We use both a home cleaner and have hired an organizing service to help us deal with our clutter. It has made a huge difference for us to have both. I have convinced my husband to keep the cleaning service we use monthly because it forces us to tidy up once a month and our house stays overall cleaner as a result. </p> <p>You're in Montgomery County, right? My parents had an excellent home organizer down there who helped them de-hoarder and de-clutter without throwing things away. They also have a cleaning person who has worked for them for 30+ years and is very good at cleaning around clutter (my mom was a serious hoarder and never let her throw anything away). Wall me if you want recommendations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning/page/2#post-2825463 Wed, 30 May 2018 21:17:28 +0000 LCTBQE 2825463@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: @Silva: one of my best friends is a professional organizer and I've done a lot of informal help for friends (cleaning out coat closets, setting up nurseries, etc) over the years--it's incredible how emotionally triggering the decluttering process can be for some people. </p> <p>@lilyofthewest: I didn't read every single post so don't know if this was already suggested, but one thing that might help is if you get someone to come again is if he has an entire room that doesn't get touched--like, the dining room, or your bedroom. then he can have his peace of mind, and anything *not* in that room is fair game, which is only fair to the other people living in the house who want/deserve a tidy environment (i.e. you). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825453 Wed, 30 May 2018 20:02:13 +0000 lamariniere 2825453@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: ok, I don’t know what some of those things are, but it sounds like you are beyond protected :silly: and that it would be hard for a random person to use a computer set up like that. In your initial post, it sounded like the cleaner just pressed power and started surfing the web. Like others have said, it seems like your partner is really overreacting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825446 Wed, 30 May 2018 19:33:05 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: The computer is password protected. And it is a Linux box. And the keyboard is labeled as QWERTY but actually set up to work as DVORAK. It is exceedingly unlikely anyone successfully used it. Partner is just paranoid and also angry about the idea of someone even touching it (which I actually doubt happened. Sweetie has forgotten to shut it down many, many times before). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825443 Wed, 30 May 2018 19:10:50 +0000 lamariniere 2825443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is slightly off topic, but I would DEFINITELY password protect your computer so that the cleaner (or anyone else who happens to be in your home) cannot use it. Then, going forward, there also won’t be any disputes about whether or not the cleaner used it.</p> <p>We have had a regular cleaner for a few years. We’re pretty tidy, but if I don’t want something cleaned, like the kids Legos on the coffee table or paperwork on my desk, I just specify. Otherwise, our lady cleans everything, but doesn’t necessarily put away (like piles of toys or the mail on the counter). Also, if you’ve hired someone as a kind of jack of all trades (house work + yard work), that’s fine, I would just make expectations clear. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825220 Tue, 29 May 2018 14:06:28 +0000 NorthStar 2825220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: lol - so true :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825219 Tue, 29 May 2018 14:04:56 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NorthStar: My age is showing. Mid-20s...I felt grown when I was that age, so, I guess I should acknowledge they're an adult. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825218 Tue, 29 May 2018 14:00:59 +0000 NorthStar 2825218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: yeah, that is a bit much and it's a kid no less? your partner added WAY too much, especially considering it rained all weekend. I think his issues are way bigger than what happened this weekend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825212 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:47:20 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NorthStar: Right?! I started things off by arranging for pet sitting and asking to please clean the stovetop, kitchen counters, sink, and undersink, and drop off two boxes that were packed up for donation. </p> <p>And then Sweetie added on living room, dining room, bathroom, floors, carpets, lawn, mulching, etc/anything/everything. </p> <p>And this kid we hired managed to accomplish everything indoors! And the only major casualty was my immersion blender. I'm fucking pleased as punch and my partner is...not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825209 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:45:13 +0000 Silva 2825209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: definitely not you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825208 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:43:14 +0000 NorthStar 2825208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: omg - that is such a basic set of instructions that no wonder it wasn't done to your partners specifications! (sorry, but total eye roll). lol I think he needs to seriously think about what he wanted done and should have had a set list of expectations (which is doesn't sound like was done). Good luck with that! lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825206 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:42:14 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825206@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks y'all for validating that I'm not the crazy one. Or at least not the most crazy one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825205 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:41:48 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825205@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: magic. :P </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825204 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:40:54 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: @NorthStar: This is a friend-of-a-friend who has experience doing professional organizing and previously worked for a move-in/move-out cleaning company. They're currently very underemployed and doing those things freelance as well as miscellaneous other odd jobs, house sitting, and yard work. And Sweetie basically said, "we're gone all weekend, keep the cats alive and fix anything/everything you can" and we will pay you." </p> <p>This, however, does not explain how the lawn could be mowed when there was almost no break in the rain the whole weekend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825203 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:40:44 +0000 MaryM 2825203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm pretty sure paying someone to clean your house IS giving them explicit permission to move things. How else are they supposed to clean? What did your partner expect them to do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825201 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:37:01 +0000 lilyofthewest 2825201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: "So... it sounds like you guys hired an organizer/cleaner and your partner was like "Yep! Do everything!" and is now upset with the organizer/cleaner actually DOING everything they were hired to do?"</p> <p>Yup. Exactly! For whatever reason, Sweetie seems to think that this person should have been magically able to fix our horrible mess AND not move/touch anything. Sweetie keeps saying, "I was always taught that you don't touch or move anything that belongs to someone else without their explicit permission." Oy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825200 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:36:15 +0000 Silva 2825200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with others in that I'm very confused about his expectations of this person, and also confused by his reaction. Which leads me to believe he's having an anxiety or otherwise emotionally driven response (not a logical response). </p> <p>Whenever someone overreacts/reacts in a way that is utterly baffling I generally assume that a very vulnerable part of themselves has been "poked" or injured in someway. Sounds like he may have some hoarding tendencies or some form of anxiety linked to his things/his space. </p> <p>I cannot imagine texting someone at 11:00 at night. Thats not normal or rational behavior. It sounds like he feels very out of control.</p> <p>I don't think its helpful for your particular situation, but we have someone who cleans for 2.5 hours every other week. The night before she comes we make sure all surfaces are clear, laundry is put away, stuff is picked up off the floors. I hired her to do the cleaning I can't get to- scrubbing the shower/tub, she vacuums and dusts the whole house, mops the floors. She makes little piles of things that she finds in that process (there are little hair clips ALL OVER MY HOUSE and she usually just sets them in a pile as she finds them while cleaning).<br /> If a space is cluttered (for example, my husband's bedside table or the top of his dresser, the cubbies in our mudroom) she doesn't touch it. She said explicitly in her contract that she doesn't de-clutter or put stuff away, and doesn't do laundry.<br /> She uses a cleaner on the floor that makes the flooring in my bedroom a little slippery. I just do a second mop with water after she leaves, because I don't give a shit and she's the one doing all the work. It takes me two seconds. </p> <p>She's not a servant, I see it more as a collaborative process of trying to keep my house from being filthy and keep me sane. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825184 Tue, 29 May 2018 13:05:37 +0000 Mrs D 2825184@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just a few thoughts to maybe offer suggestions. We recently hired a cleaning lady (Fall 2017) and DH was more than happy to find something wrong to justify not writing the check. However, as others mentioned - not having to clean is good for our relationship. Anyways...</p> <p>Neither DH nor I are the tidiest of people. We both WOH is f/t, stressful jobs. We dont always have time to "pre-clean" before our lady comes. My own opinion is that if its left out you are asking for it to be touched. So I have the following in place now that helps us:</p> <p>1) Our guest bedroom is a "no clean" zone. Unless we specify otherwise. So this is a safe dumping zone when she comes - we close the door and she never opens it. For example...DH puts his precious Golf Clubs in there...just incase she got an inkling to clean them in the foyer where he usually thinks they belong! Its also where I place buckets of folded laundry I havent put away in the kids room. Or packages I've yet to open. ETC.</p> <p>2) Small bins on the kitchen counter. We have two..."yet to be dealt with" items and "items requiring urgent processing". For example, unopened mail...goes in the "yet to be dealt with" bin. Bills to be paid go in the other. The cleaning lady was given specific instruction not to ever empty or otherwise mess with them. They are easy for her to pick up and move when she cleans the counter. I also have a small junk bin, where she'll toss anything random she finds while cleaning. (headphones, random cords, clips, pins, etc)</p> <p>3) Office bins (these are larger...like the $5 tote bins at Home Depot)...one for me, one for DH...anything I find that needs to be put away, goes into one of those (depending on who's it is) OR as we go through the bins on the counter, sometimes they go into an office bin if they require saving. In the future, we'll have a bin for each girl that they will have to empty at minimum weekly.</p> <p>Its not perfect, but it helps us fight clutter!!! :) Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825176 Tue, 29 May 2018 12:30:33 +0000 NorthStar 2825176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree w @Truth Bombs: . Why would the same hired person mow the lawn vs. declutter vs clean. those are three different jobs/specialties. I think there needs to be clear expectations on what you are hiring this person to do. I cannot imagine one person being able to do all of this in any sort of reasonable time frame. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825171 Tue, 29 May 2018 12:17:01 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2825171@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the cleaner did what they were supposed to do personally. I guess you could ask them to put it in a pile instead but I'm not sure what the point of piling garbage would be.</p> <p>But disclaimer I cannot live with papers and clutter everywhere and in this scenario I would for sure be the ragey one. I mean full disclosure here, I get mad when dh leaves crap around and if someone came and cleared it up for him and he was anything other than happy/grateful about it, I would be irritated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825169 Tue, 29 May 2018 12:12:58 +0000 Truth Bombs 2825169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: Decluttering/organizing a house, cleaning a house, and mowing the lawn are three very different and distinct tasks. And doing all of them would have taken all weekend. So it seems like this would have been a pretty massive undertaking with very clearly communicated expectations. I agree with the others that there is a much larger issue going on here with your partner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825165 Tue, 29 May 2018 11:56:07 +0000 Madison43 2825165@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: so I’m not a therapist, but have encountered my fair share of people with hoarding tendencies in my line of work. The type of reaction that your partner is having isn’t surprising to me if there is an underlying issue (as opposed to just being disorganized). Clearing clutter triggers all sorts of negative emotions and anxiety. Getting help to get organized is a great start, but I think you guys need to pay attention to the underlying issues as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825164 Tue, 29 May 2018 11:55:37 +0000 alphagam84 2825164@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds like you all should have decluttered before the cleaner came. We just started using a cleaning person-she comes every two weeks and it has been great knowing we don't have to clean! But we make sure to declutter the night before so she isn't dealing with papers, etc. left on surfaces or dirty dishes/appliances to clean. It's not fun but you and your partner need to set aside a chunk of time (say no to fun stuff and watching tv, etc) and declutter. I like having her come as it forces us to declutter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825163 Tue, 29 May 2018 11:50:39 +0000 hellobeeboston 2825163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>yeah, part of the deal with having someone come to clean is you have to clear the tabletops, floors, etc so they can actually clean. Our agreement is if it's not cleared off, it doesn't get cleaned... so the desk in our study is often cluttered, and if we don't clean it off before they come, it gets left alone..... you should discuss the same. It's a good CHECK to make sure things stay tidy on our end, knowing they will be coming to deep clean!</p> <p>We have an extra closet that we toss a bunch of stuff into if we forget they're coming and need to tidy last minute. We also have drawers that get filled with stuff and organized monthly to keep the clutter out of sight.</p> <p>good luck. sounds tough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/partner-is-freaking-out-about-housecleaning#post-2825162 Tue, 29 May 2018 11:49:22 +0000 Anagram 2825162@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyofthewest: it seems like something deeper is going on than just anger about a few thrown away receipts. I remember your previous thread about clutter and disorganization, and it just seems like something deeper is going on for each of you. You know, I hate to say it, but like....you and your partner's "inner child". That sounds cheesy, but it seems like something stemming from both of your childhoods to have this be an ongoing hot button issue, especially with how your partner is reacting. Is your partner's anger today connected to what makes your house cluttered and disorganized in the first place? Does he have hoarder tendencies? </p> <p>Once he's done rage mowing, I think if you can have a calm moment together, you can get to the bottom of it. And you'll have to be really kind and judgement free for it to not blow up into an argument.</p> <p>My husband and I area cleaning "mismatches". We kind of tolerate our differences at this point and we've found workarounds that make us both somewhat happy. </p>