https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 03:52:32 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894011 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 18:08:14 +0000 wrkbrk 2894011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: So he was hiding his unhappiness you think but that’s what he labeled it? I guess it’s something to even admit you feel generally unhappy!!!! So that’s good. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894010 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 18:07:28 +0000 wrkbrk 2894010@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: No apology necessary. That’s reallt interesting. Did the therapist help him realize it may be true depression and had it improved with treatment? Obviously you’ve gathered that I’m worried about not seeing the signals in myself.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894009 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 18:05:00 +0000 Chuckles 2894009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: oh but now that I'm thinking about it, I definitely don't think that in his head he was going, I'm very depressed and don't want to talk about it. I don't think he labeled it that way. He just knew he was unhappy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894008 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 17:54:34 +0000 Chuckles 2894008@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: that's a really good question. I'm not totally sure. It was definitely post-partum (which we usually don't think about happening to the dads). I think it was a combination of something inevitable and chemical, the pressure of being the main breadwinner, and not realizing how much life would change. Plus I take responsibility for being controlling in the first several months, but he didn't handle it well at all - like not my wife is hormonal and crazy, he took it really personally. This is all to say that it seemed like the main reason he wouldn't talk about it with me was guilt and feeling badly about himself. It was to the point where he thought a couple of times that he might just leave the baby at home and walk away or hurt him. But he didn't tell me about that until a few years later.<br /> But... he was very good at deflecting and coming up with other reasons he was unhappy. So I don't know how much got confused in his own head. Like he would be irate about little messes in the house or complain that he never had time for his hobbies (which he didn't have any of. And if I said - ok, let's make sure you have time for yourself, he would turn it into something else). Or when I would talk about how upset I was about the idea of not having another kid, he would say things like, I didn't like having hand-me-down clothes from my brother so that's a reason we shouldn't. Sorry for the long-winded answer. I think I'm still processing everything and our son is 6 now. It's also really fresh in my mind because I'm due with #2 in a few months and I'm trying really hard to think about how to stay on top of it this time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894007 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 17:42:37 +0000 wrkbrk 2894007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: Just curious - did he know? And wasn’t admitting it or was he not aware? I’m just wondering (for myself) how much of depression is conscious. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894006 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 17:41:15 +0000 wrkbrk 2894006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: I’m sorry friend. We went through a really rough spot too and my individual therapy helped immensely. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2894000 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 16:32:15 +0000 Chuckles 2894000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know that depression and drinking problems often go together and each can make the other worse. I'm wondering if he's also depressed. When my DH wouldn't communicate with me about our issues and would get upset about things that weren't the actual problem, projecting onto me, etc, it turned out that he'd been quite depressed for awhile but was doing his best to hide it. It took a long time of talking in circles in therapy and having him try to put the focus on other things before he admitted what was really going on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893999 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 16:29:47 +0000 LemonJack 2893999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t have any solid advice, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry and it’s not your fault that he’s drinking to excess. ❤️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893994 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 15:31:14 +0000 periwinklebee 2893994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry :heart: It seems like an important first step is for your husband to acknowledge that his behaviors/coping strategies are not healthy, for him or your family, and to seek help to change them. This will give a much better foundation for dealing jointly with the household balance issues. It's great that you are seeking out therapy, but his behavior is not about you and is not your fault. You might gain strategies that are helpful for you, but for his behavior to change I think he ultimately has to take responsibility for it and stop blaming it on you or other external circumstances. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893974 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 14:12:40 +0000 Mrsbells 2893974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: that sounds frustrating. I would start by asking him for his idea of a solution. A real solution to get to a point where you see eye and eye and sell the idea of a therapist being a neutral 3rd party that can help both of you find common ground. If it helps you try a few therapists till you find one he likes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893957 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 13:03:04 +0000 Mommy Finger 2893957@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: Ok, I have some more to say about this b/c I"m sort of going through something similar in that DH just admitted to himself (and therefore me) that he has a drinking problem. He's not a fall down drunk but he was drinking every day on the train ride home to cope with the stress of life and it made him sick (runs in his family too) so he stopped. He found himself a therapist and is going to AA. He's had his highs and lows but he's 30 days sober now and I can see changes. However, he still needs to figure out to handle stress as he's obviously not as fun right now. But we're getting through it.</p> <p>That being said... and I want to say this loudly for a reason....YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE'S DRINKING. That's BS. I've started going to Al-Anon. I'm still searching for the right meeting but one thing I've learned are the 4 C's. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. But you do have a Choice in how you react to it and how you want to handle it from your end. And that's what you need to figure out for yourself. Feel free to wall me if you have any questions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893956 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:54:41 +0000 mrskansas 2893956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: my situation was similar to yours. My husband was helpful around the house and is a great dad but drank excessively and usually blamed me for getting drunk. I couldn't stand being around him when he drank because he became a different person.<br /> We fought this battle for years before I decided to move out almost two months ago. If you need to talk to someone who has been/is in a similar situation, let me know :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893955 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:45:25 +0000 QBbride 2893955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: him saying he drinks because you stress him out is placing the blame on someone else for HIS behaviour. It has NOTHING to do with you. Placing the blame on you it totally unfair and is gaslighting. </p> <p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. Individual counselling is a good start but realistically I think you both need individual counselling and then couples counselling together. </p> <p>He needs to want to change or in the end, nothing will change. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893954 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:44:16 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2893954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: woah. That is so not ok. You are NOT the reason he has issues with drinking. The problem is that he’s using you as an excuse for having unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress. That’s extremely hurtful of him to say that to you, and I sincerely hope you know that you are not the problem here. If he wouldn’t start dealing with that ASAP, I would be considering a temporary separation tbh...as in he needs to leave the home until he takes steps to help this situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893953 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:39:29 +0000 Forestmaven 2893953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms. RV: My mom has suggested an Al Anon meeting to me too. In terms of him and his drinking he says he drinks because I stress him out. Or that he's stressed at work. The work stress obviously isn't going to go away. There is a history of alcoholism in his family (not like scary drinking to excess every day and not being functional but just not being able to control how much they drink, and drinking more than is socially acceptable). He just doesn't think it's an issue and he doesn't think he's a jerk when he drinks even though so many people have pointed it out to him. And typing this all out does make it pretty clear that I would probably benefit from one of those meetings--of course I have no idea how I could make time to get to one (I work full time and they are 20-30 minutes away). The therapist I made an appointment with does list drug and alcohol addiction as a sub specialty. It's like a tit for tat: he says I nagged him in the morning and it ruined his day so he gets drunk at night. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893952 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:38:48 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2893952@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: yeah I agree with the others about the drinking problem. Have you talked to him about that? Does he brush it off or admit he has issues with alcohol? I would be afraid that you’d do your counselling and he continues drinking and it spirals back even if you make some progress in therapy. In this situation I would follow through with your individual therapy so you have some support, confront him about the drinking and insist he start dealing with that via meetings, rehab, whatever seems most relevant, then circle back to the couples counselling sooner than later. Good luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893941 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:11:37 +0000 Ms. RV 2893941@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: I am glad @Tionn3 said it because I had been thinking your interactions with your husband sound a lot like mine with my alcoholic ex. Your latest post further cements this. It is unfair to you that you have to go to individual counseling first if he recognizes there is a problem. It sounds like an empty promise to me. Don't be scared to check our an Al-Anon meeting, they can be very helpful.</p> <p>FWIW, I am not advocating divorce. I stuck by my ex for a year while he tried to get sober and only left him because he started to get dangerously physically abusive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893938 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:00:38 +0000 Tionn3 2893938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: It sounds like your husband has a drinking problem. I don't know if couples therapy is going to help your husband's drinking problem. It sounds like maybe HE needs therapy to get to the root cause of the drinking, and get it under control. You can't address the problems in your relationship without getting the drinking under control. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893937 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 11:40:25 +0000 Forestmaven 2893937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the tips and support. Ironically after a big fight in the morning yesterday that had me reeling all day my husband brought home flowers and a card which he has never done before (he doesn't "get" how people appreciate small gifts/displays of affection because he doesn't like/appreciate them himself and things it's a waste of money). He said he's on board to try couples therapy after I go to individual therapy. He laid out some info about why he's stressed at work and I illustrated how I really don't ask much of him (literally get up in the morning, and don't get drunk). It seemed really positive but then towards the end he had had about 3 glasses of wine and when he gets that far in he basically has this "I'm better than everyone else" attitude (unlike most people who get funny if they have a few drinks) and he also can't stop drinking (so he finished the bottle which was larger than a normal one and also had at least one beer after that; he has a binge drinking problem) so after feeling like we had made a little progress I had to leave the room because I can't stand to be around him when he drinks. It's so hard because we'll go for a few days to a week and it'll seem like things are going better, but then he comes out with something like what caused the argument yesterday and I'm left thinking "What was I thinking, feeling like things were better?"</p> <p>I have shared mental load articles with him in the past but his response is that he doesn't have time to read anything because he's too busy at work. Basically I feel like we had a productive conversation last night but then it ended with a problem (the drinking, which in and of itself is a huge problem for me and a big driver for wanting to do couples therapy because I personally thing getting drunk is something you stop doing after college or at the latest once you have kids). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893936 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 10:51:22 +0000 teawithpaloma 2893936@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A blogger here wrote a lot about this over a series of post (Mrs. Sketchbook). I will posts some of her blogs here but you can see her full writing at this link: <a href="https://www.hellobee.com/author/mrs-sketchbook/" rel="nofollow">https://www.hellobee.com/author/mrs-sketchbook/</a></p> <p><a href="https://www.hellobee.com/2016/02/03/books-that-changed-my-life-getting-the-love-you-want/" rel="nofollow">https://www.hellobee.com/2016/02/03/books-that-changed-my-life-getting-the-love-you-want/</a></p> <p><a href="https://www.hellobee.com/2015/09/10/books-that-changed-my-life-harriet-lerners-dance-of-anger/" rel="nofollow">https://www.hellobee.com/2015/09/10/books-that-changed-my-life-harriet-lerners-dance-of-anger/</a></p> <p>And more anonymous posts:</p> <p><a href="https://www.hellobee.com/2015/09/03/contemplation-on-divorce/" rel="nofollow">https://www.hellobee.com/2015/09/03/contemplation-on-divorce/</a></p> <p><a href="https://www.hellobee.com/2014/04/01/investing-in-my-marriage/" rel="nofollow">https://www.hellobee.com/2014/04/01/investing-in-my-marriage/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893934 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 10:45:34 +0000 teawithpaloma 2893934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>After 10 years of marriage, I had long hemmed and hawed about marriage counseling. I was reticent to do it. I thought "why is this my idea? Do I have to do all the f**cking logistics for this too?" But after a rough patch I realized that it was time to make a major investment in our marriage that I felt would help us avoid a divorce or seperation. Seperate and apart from that I had been in therapy for a months and that really did help clarify issues. I see what you wrote about how you hope the the therapist tells your husband what he is doing is wrong but I don't think that will happen in reality. Watch Michelle Obama talk about marriage counseling on Jimmy Fallon on youtube. She thought she was so perfect and the therapists was like "how are you contributing to these problems?"</p> <p>I think you have probably three options. 1) Go to therapy yourself and arm yourself with the emotional intelligence to deal with an imbalanced/parenting load and know some it will probably also get easier as the kids grow. This might also mean scheduling drinks with your friends without telling your husband as he seems to do with you. (Read the books the Dance of Anger and Dance of Intimacy to help with that) 2) You guys do make your therapy; start a book or articles club on issues in relationships and set aside one day a week to talk about it. You can be very clear that this is not a request but something he must do with you. 3) Go to couples counseling together. Tell him you are not happy with your current relationship and you feel an investment in therapy is what you need. Revisit your marriage vows and promises to each other. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893933 Thu, 08 Aug 2019 10:38:39 +0000 teawithpaloma 2893933@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am just going to post some resources in this response and some of my thoughts in the next response: </p> <p>Emotional labor guide from NYTimes: <a href="https://parenting.nytimes.com/relationships/emotional-labor" rel="nofollow">https://parenting.nytimes.com/relationships/emotional-labor</a></p> <p>Stop calling women Nags: <a href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/" rel="nofollow">https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/</a></p> <p>Understanding emotional labor: <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/11/arlie-hochschild-housework-isnt-emotional-labor/576637/" rel="nofollow">https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/11/arlie-hochschild-housework-isnt-emotional-labor/576637/</a></p> <p>Equally shared parenting toolbox: <a href="http://equallysharedparenting.com/Toolbox.htm?fbclid=IwAR1T0HGvKy7f3iRNmEmYXPzBy30N_l6vlJXsZVdtWqIdp-C3ki1GfUoktq0" rel="nofollow">http://equallysharedparenting.com/Toolbox.htm?fbclid=IwAR1T0HGvKy7f3iRNmEmYXPzBy30N_l6vlJXsZVdtWqIdp-C3ki1GfUoktq0</a> </p> <p>All joy and no fun: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/All-Joy-No-Fun-Parenthood/dp/B01L9E1R66" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/All-Joy-No-Fun-Parenthood/dp/B01L9E1R66</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893868 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 16:26:10 +0000 LCTBQE 2893868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It doesn’t sound like primarily communication problems to me, it sounds like a fundamental lack of respect for you, who you are, what you’re trying to do, on his part, which is infuriating and awful. I do think it’s shocking that you’re considering leaving him before dragging him kicking and screaming to couples therapy—and he doesn’t even know how fed up you are? (So I guess that is a communication issue.) You might think he wouldn’t have respect for a therapist, but do you really want to end your marriage without even trying couples therapy? Agree with others that you can come back, but only if you’re both committed. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893858 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 15:38:23 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2893858@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a lot of really selfish behavior on his part and that is a big red flag to me. I think you definitely need to sit down and talk about what you see as issues and that it’s bad enough that you have wondered about separating. </p> <p>I have been working on being on my phone less lately and also telling my husband to be on his phone less lately and it’s helped a lot, so maybe approach that as a distinct issue and then move on to other issues? </p> <p>I found the book “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Having Kids” really helpful and this feels like a perfect example of Men not making an effort to change the status quo because it wouldn’t benefit to change the status quo. He is still getting to work the hours he wants, see his friends, hang out on his phone, and offer minimal support. He has no incentive to change that and he’s benefiting from it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893852 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 13:37:17 +0000 MrsADS 2893852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If my husband called me a b*tch for nagging him, I would be out the door. Sorry. That's emotional abuse and it's not okay. It's not okay for him to call you that if you're not a good communicator. It's not your fault. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893848 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 13:26:53 +0000 Forestmaven 2893848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cake2017: I think him being disconnected is a good way to put it. I’m kind of oddly hopeful that maybe some of it is me not being a good communicator and that therapy could help me with that. Idk everything says you shouldn’t “nag” someone and tell them to do it over and over but with our life things are sometimes down to the minute and if he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done so then something doesn’t work (like the oven) or someone is late for school etc so idk what else to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893847 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 13:19:29 +0000 Autumnmama79 2893847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: I wonder if his willingness to seek support, work on issues or be reflective of his behaviour would change at all if he knew how dire things were feeling for you. </p> <p>I know its a hard conversation. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893843 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 12:56:34 +0000 Forestmaven 2893843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: He doesn’t know. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893842 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 12:56:31 +0000 graceandjoy 2893842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you are going through this and have to contemplate separating. I would say things CAN turn around IF he admits/accepts the issues and becomes open to working through them in therapy. If you tried, and he just doesn't listen/care/try, then you're probably headed towards the path of separation. </p> <p>I am just worried that if he can call you such a nasty name for "nagging", that he is pretty blinded to what's going on in your marriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/preventing-divorceseparation#post-2893841 Wed, 07 Aug 2019 12:50:45 +0000 cake2017 2893841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Forestmaven: It sounds like DH is disconnected from you and the family? Communication is huge- have you considered talking to him alone and seeing where he stands, what’s on his heart and how he wants to improve the marriage? </p> <p>I am very sorry you are going through this. It’s a good step in the right direction that you are going to therapy in my opinion. </p>