https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 04:02:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146361 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 14:10:17 +0000 tiramisu 2146361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Hahaha the "You Are All Talk!!" comment totally cracked me up! Yes I think we really need to understand each other better. I definitely need to give DH more words of affirmation for starters.</p> <p>That's a very good point of seeing things as if it strains your marriage it's not worth it. I give you credit your life sounds very busy! I remember those early days of pumping all night to increase supply. Boy was it rough. I'm glad things are better for you now and your relationship is doing great. I definitely will start on the test and book this weekend! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146331 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:53:09 +0000 tiramisu 2146331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bpcmarj: Ooh good to know it was helpful! My parents actually bought us the book before our wedding a few years ago, but we haven't read it yet. I think especially after baby we are on totally different pages with doing things that make the other person feel loved. We definitely need to make this a priority. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146326 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:50:13 +0000 gingerbebe 2146326@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tiramisu: Yesss the 5 love languages are bomb. We learned early on that DH needs lots of physical touch, lots of words of encouragement, and his family is really into expressing love through gifts. My family is totally opposite and we express love through acts of service so I'd get so annoyed that instead of helping me do the dishes or clean DH would bring me flowers and say mushy things. I'd be like YOU ARE ALL TALK! But once we figured it out we started being able to understand each other so much better. Now when DH washes the bottles without me asking I feel so happy and I'm like I LOVE YOU OMG YOU ARE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER and he feels like a star. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146308 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:40:28 +0000 bpcmarj 2146308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tiramisu: We took the test and read the book and it did help. It really does matter if the things that you think you are doing to show your spouse you love them are not things that make them feel loved! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146301 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:33:55 +0000 tiramisu 2146301@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're having a hard time with this too and LO is almost 1. It's kind of reassuring to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.<br /> Before LO was born, someone gave me a relationship CD and wrote me a nice long card about the importance of making your relationship with SO a top priority and if you don't have a strong base, your LO would pay the price. At the time I didn't really understand but now that baby is here, I totally do. However, I'm not sure how to go about improving our relationship. Exhaustion and life do get in the way. As a start, I was thinking of having DH and I take that 5 Love Languages test. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146293 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:26:45 +0000 gingerbebe 2146293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Basically, we put our relationship first by making all our decisions are based on whether or not it helps our marriage. Our rationale is that no matter what cool practices there are for raising children, if it strains our marriage in the process, its not worth it. If we hate each other, our kid's going to hate us anyway.</p> <p>So specifics. We had gone into parenthood thinking roomsharing and breastfeeding would work for us because even though DH had to work 2 jobs and do a 150 mile commute (thus requiring me to be on nights), we wanted to share the same bed and to be in the same room together and we felt it would facilitate breastfeeding better.</p> <p>Well, a few weeks after DS arrived, we made a lot of changes, again, for the good of our marriage. DS sucked at nursing so we switched to pumping and bottles because I was dying of exhaustion from the nurse for 2 minutes, fall asleep, scream in hunger 20 minutes later cycle 24-hours a day. I was sleeping a few minutes at a time in the recliner in our bedroom with messed up nipples, not in bed with my husband. I was also run down and just so upset all the time from the lack of sleep. So DH started doing the first and last feedings so I could sleep a bit more. But the feedings were taking twice as long because of the need to pump afterwards. So DH suggested adding some formula at night to allow me to sleep in the MOTN instead of dragging myself to pump after every night feeding. I felt torn about that because I was trying desperately to increase my supply, but I realized that, to me, time with DH - even if it was in bleary hour-long snoozes in his arms between feedings - was more important than a few ounces of breastmilk. So we added 1 bottle of formula per day and I continued to pump as often as I could during the day. </p> <p>When my doctor thought I was borderline PPA/PPD and suggested drugs, I didn't want to go on them because I thought I was just tired. My doctor admitted that he thought I was probably just really sleep deprived, but told me the Rx was already in the system if I ever needed it. A month later after DS' colic and reflux hit its apex, I had a nervous breakdown and DH asked me to consider Zoloft in the context of our marriage because he spent a lot of his day worrying about me and then I was sorta whackadoodle when he got home. So I went on it and felt better within a week. We also sleep trained early and started sleeping separate from DS to help my anxiety and allow us to talk freely at night instead of trying to stay quiet for the baby. DH felt more at ease during the day instead of being worried I might have an anxiety attack while he was at work and I slept better at night because my brain would shut off a little.</p> <p>So that's how we do it. I'm currently on maternity leave, do roughly 80% of the childcare and 90% of the housework, and bring in in no money while DH works full time, has that 150 mile commute, runs a full time law practice on the side, and is getting his Executive MBA at night and one weekends at the same time. On top of that we run a Bible study in our home every Friday night and attend church on Sundays. But despite all this, I want to say our marriage is as good as its ever been and DS is a healthy, happy baby who is now a delight now that is colic and reflux are gone. DH and I just make a point to communicate a lot about all our decisions, whether its parenting, professional, or personal. We always filter it through the lens of "will this help or hurt our marriage?" and go from there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146277 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 13:15:14 +0000 Mama Bird 2146277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's such a struggle! We were like that when B was one, it was a bad combo of clingy toddler who doesn't like to sleep, everyone being sick from him starting day care, and a very bad situation at DHs work. We're working our way back up to having more us time, but it's hard and it's all going to start over when our littlest one is born. At the moment the biggest thing is that B knows everyone is expected to sit at the dinner table, so he's stopped dragging me off to play and we can catch up over dinner. And then one day we both played hooky from work because it was DHs birthday - best day ever!!! :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146226 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:45:06 +0000 snowjewelz 2146226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaG: that's a nice perk! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146223 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:43:40 +0000 bpcmarj 2146223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: @mrbee: It is put together by John Gottman (who is a well known marriage counselor). Basically, the board is a secluded island and each spot you land will have you pick a card. Some have questions to ask one another, or yourself. Others have advice and others have steamy things that they tell you do to do your spouse to increase intimacy. We only played it once but really enjoyed it and liked the questions and things we were asked. I think we can play it easily 50 more times before we get through all of the questions. It was something that wasn't mindless that we could do together and really forced us to connect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146211 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:38:08 +0000 FaithFertility 2146211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaG: That sounds nice!!!! If love to go furniture shopping..lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146210 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:37:42 +0000 FaithFertility 2146210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: I love what you said we are in this together :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146208 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 12:36:59 +0000 FaithFertility 2146208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel we are doing pretty good, DD is 4 months and DH is back to work and I am still at home, so that helps a little I think! We try to enjoy the little things, on his days off we cook dinner, bbq with DD and walks, we always try to cuddle and hang out after she is in bed, she goes down pretty quick and easy!<br /> We know we are in this together, and try to make it as easy as possible...so what if the dishes don't get done right away right????<br /> But.....I'm dying for a date night :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146140 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 11:46:55 +0000 MamaG 2146140@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our daycare offers a parents night out one Friday per month. Our LO loves it as it's an environment she's already comfortable in and it's sort of a free for all (they get access to the computers and watch a movie). They put all the kids in the "oldest" classroom so there are "new" toys. It's for up to 4 hours and in the grand scheme not terribly expensive. So we try to do this. She has a blast (the baby doesn't have a clue :)) and we get a kid free dinner and a little time to reconnect or do something kid free. One night was a quick dinner and furniture shopping. While it wasn't the most romantic thing ever, it was so much easier without the little with us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146116 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 11:25:24 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2146116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DD is 7 months, and it has been difficult for us also. Does it get easier/better? One thing we try to do is have together time right before bed. We talk, or cuddle. </p> <p>I sure hope it gets easier at some point, and we can hire a sitter for date night. At this point, we aren't yet comfortable leaving DD with a sitter. I'm also still pumping (but tryinig to wean), and having to pump every few hours takes time away from other things I could be doing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146106 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 11:15:38 +0000 youboots 2146106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>M travels. Right now I am home with a six week old alone for 3 nights, which is fine, but he travels a lot year round. So we have not been parents that long, but have been maximizing our together time since his schedule can be demanding. We really set weekend aside to spend time together. We don't make a lot of plans and just do whatever sounds fun or we are up to doing. I find that just taking the time to hug for a long time while making dinner or whatever makes me feel really close to him. We also text and send each other photos a lot. I also write him notes or text that I love and appriciate him. Also we prep multiple meals together at one time. We can made dinner one night, prep for the next night and make a breakfast cassorole in 30 minutes. We really enjoy cooking together. I just got him a new knife. I feel like we are both tired, but in a good place overall. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146062 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:48:31 +0000 Tanjowen 2146062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: It's really hard! The biggest thing that helps us is that LO has an early bedtime, and I set a time limit - 30 minutes - after he goes down for us to pick up and organize for the next day, and then we have "us" time until our bedtime. Another biggie is we agreed on no technology in the bedroom. No TV, no computers, no tablets (unless reading before bedtime). </p> <p>I agree with PP that winter sucks, because we wound up on the couch watching TV a lot or sick, but with Spring and Summer, we try to get outside to either play with the dogs or have a beer and chat. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146061 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:48:02 +0000 snowjewelz 2146061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: Sigh, I can totally see that happening with us two if we somehow decide to have 2 under 2... </p> <p>Also we pretty much agreed that we don't mean anything we say to each other when we're frustrated/sleep deprived, etc haha.</p> <p>I think we try to show appreciation for one another, to know that we're still in this together. We text each other at home when I'm upstairs nursing DD to sleep or something and he's downstairs lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146054 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:41:18 +0000 ValentineMommy 2146054@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: Blech. So over the nausea. :-/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146028 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:26:19 +0000 rachiecakes 2146028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's so hard.<br /> DH lost his full time job when J turned 1 and we've been working opposite schedules ever since. So never mind that I barely see him but when we do see each other we want to do something as a family because that time is nonexistent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146016 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:18:04 +0000 MrsH 2146016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: yeah, even with the meds I still puke like every day at 25 weeks so it's been really hard to do anything but survival mode. :( I hope its refreshing too, thanks friend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2146004 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:10:35 +0000 blackbird 2146004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: Ooooo man I didn't know you had HG, that's a whole other ballgame of feeling like shit. I'm sorry :heart: I hope some fresh air helps. If anything, mentally :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145992 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:04:23 +0000 MrsH 2145992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: My mom is living with us while her house is being built but at home dates seem like a great idea for later this year!</p> <p>@bpcmarj: I second @mrbee: that sounds fascinating. </p> <p>@snowjewelz: Our getting through the first year has turned into getting through the second year :(</p> <p>@ValentineMommy: 25 weeks and sick right there with ya mama</p> <p>@blackbird: On top of the HG, either DH or I have been sick since March 1, it really makes it hard. I'm going to make it a point to clean off our deck this weekend so we can catch a few of those moments on the patio, a change of scenery after this winter is a great idea.</p> <p>@looch: little things definitely help connect instead of just being seperate </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145982 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:55:44 +0000 looch 2145982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's a challenge to keep our relationship at its prekid level, we had a lot more time and lot less stress than we do now and that's okay, eventually it will change again.</p> <p>For now, we do things that are very simple, like doing our errands together, as opposed to separately. It seems like it would be a waste of time, but it helps us to stay part of each other's lives. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145978 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:53:39 +0000 Corduroy 2145978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>During this pregnancy with LO2 we've been focusing on spending naptime *together* on the weekends. I'm too tired by nighttime. I know that won't work once LO2 is here but it's working for us now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145974 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:52:42 +0000 blackbird 2145974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This was us all winter. Just getting through the days, feeling like shit, and sleeping as much as we could so we could fight off the various bugs. Acknowledging it was big. When i had morning sickness, there really wasn't much to do, but he took care of me, i told him i appreciated it, and were both like "this stage shall pass". We both knew it was temporary and we both knew it sucked. Beyond that, when we could take advantage, we did something together. Even just taking E to the zoo one day was nice. We send her to MIL's once a month for an overnight and sleep in/have breakfast together. Cuddling in bed and talking a little before falling asleep is nice, too. </p> <p>Lately, just sitting on the patio with a cold drink and letting E run around the back yard is sort of refreshing. Maybe just a change of scenery and being near each other, not watching tv or being on our phones helps. What about a picnic at the park? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145962 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:46:37 +0000 mrbee 2145962@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bpcmarj: Ooh, that board game sounds fascinating! Would love to hear more about how it works!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145954 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:45:19 +0000 ValentineMommy 2145954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Opinionated 2 year old + miscarriage last year + this pregnancy (I'm still sick at 25w in...) = we fail more days than not. But, like pp's said, we acknowledge and talk about it and know that it's temporary and will keep working on it! Life is hard sometimes! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145946 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:40:41 +0000 snowjewelz 2145946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's hard! DD is 4 mo and I feel like we're still kinda on survival mode. It's also hard for me... Whenever I have a free moment I always have never ending chores and errands and sometimes I have to say to myself maybe I need to just chill on the couch with DH and talk/cuddle for a bit! What helps right now is that we both acknowledge that it will be hard and that we just need to get through this first year! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145939 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:36:36 +0000 bpcmarj 2145939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We didn't for a long time after our DD was born and it nearly broke us. Now, we make sure we make time for one another. Simple things like texting during the day or when we know we are going to be spending time together at night anyway making it known that we are intending to spend time with one another and truly try to connect. Hiring a baby sitter so we can get out alone also helped. </p> <p>I will recommend the new Gottman Couple's Retreat boardgame. It comes from a more therapy centered place, but it was fun for us to play and asked questions that were interesting and helped us reconnect. It was somewhat expensive but I plan to use it for at home date nights fairly often! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/prioritizing-your-relationship#post-2145919 Thu, 16 Apr 2015 09:19:20 +0000 Mae 2145919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly we fail at this a lot of times. I think the best thing we do is constantly talk about it. When things feel "not great" one of us brings it up and we talk about it. At a minimum we're committed to not getting used to or just accepting a sub par relationship. We sort of figure as long as we're working at it, we're okay. </p> <p>Beyond that we sort of try to do an "at home date" on Saturday nights where we feed LO alone and do dinner just the two of us after she goes to bed. We usually watch a movie and hang out sans technology then. We've also talked about instituting an "early to bed" night at least once/week once my DH is done with school next week and is actually home at night more often. I feel like it would be amazing if we could do a monthly date night but that just isn't possible for us right now. </p>