https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 03 May 2026 10:10:15 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837327 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 13:13:58 +0000 Anagram 2837327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My oldest just turned 5, but last year she only had a handful of "bad reports" in the whole year. Each time, I would just ask what happened (i was getting everything second hand--from the teacher to my after school sitter, to me), then ask DD about the situation, and maybe talk about it a little and that's it.</p> <p>In our case, it was a combination of things--the bad reports were always from the Teacher's assistant, not the head teacher. And the TA is also "dramatic" as you say. TAs don't have any formal training or degrees in early childhood development and I sometimes felt like her expectations for 4 year olds were unrealistic. So like one day the report was the DD got her recess taken away because she didn't line up right away the day before. I asked if this is an ongoing issue with DD, like if she's never lining up when asked or if this was a 1st time offense. It was the first time. This was like 7 months into the school year and I feel like it was over the top to make her sit out of recess because ONE TIME she didn't line up immediately after recess. So I just told DD to try to listen the first time and line up when asked, but I also told her no one is perfect and all we can do it try the best we can, because I felt like her school punishment was already over the top. All the complaints were from the TA, never form the head teacher, and every time I talked to the head teacher directly, she said the TA is very sensitive to kids "obeying" and assured me that DD is generally super well behaved and totally typical for her age in terms of following directions.</p> <p>At my daugher's dance class, There are some kids who have a really hard time paying attention and will often kind of ignore the teacher and be doing their own thing. If I notice DD getting distracted with those girls, I've been known to crack open the door and give her a look and tell her to focus. I want Dance to be fun, but I also want her to be respectful to her teacher that's trying really hard to keep their attention, so like running the opposite direction from the teacher isn't cool. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837315 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 11:58:52 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2837315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, you got some good advice already but I'll just chime in because this is literally my life right now. My 5 year old is a bit of a follower, and she's been friends with a girl in preK who is really aggressive, and my kid goes through the same phases of best friends/frenemies with this girl, but any time there's a flareup and my kid is not behaving, it's 99% because she's following her friend. </p> <p>I've been trying to use those flareups as a teaching opportunity, to have my kid think through why her behavior was wrong, why copying others when they're doing a bad thing is wrong, and how she can make better choices. I have had her apologize to the teachers in some cases where she was a real jerk, but overall we talk about how to handle these situations better. Like you, it really bothers me to see my kid being pushed around, but I figure it's up to me to teach her how to rise above it rather than be punitive. And the teachers in their classroom have been doing their best to keep them apart, which helps. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837313 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 11:51:48 +0000 Ajsmommy 2837313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: i tried to avoid saying "bad" while talking to her but it was hard and I know I slipped a few times....I don't want her to think she is a bad kid bc she totally isn't at all!! and I did ask her how she feels when the girl bosses her and she said bad so I said how do you think your friends felt when you bossed them and she said bad.... so I did get that in, not sure if it will stick but at least I feel like I said some correct things in the moment :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837288 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 09:17:36 +0000 Chuckles 2837288@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: I like the idea of talking to her about the underlying social issues instead of making it about "bad behavior." I'd talk to her about being a good friend and classmate and how she makes others feel when she behaves certain ways, both good and bad. And how she feels when the other girl bosses her around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837281 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 08:57:44 +0000 Shantuck 2837281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We used to take away DS's tablet in the evenings for reports of bad behavior at school. We did get a report one day that DS was unkind for laughing when someone passed gas (and when he was home, he told us the person who passed gas was his teacher!). I had a hard time taking a hard line on disciplining when I didn't necessarily fault a 4 year old boy for giggling when he heard that so we kind of struggled with how strictly to discipline until he moved out of that teacher's classroom.</p> <p>One approach that DS's summer camp program is currently using now is a poster board with colors and categories like "Excellent Job", "Need to Think About My Actions", etc. all the way down to something designating bad behavior. Each kid has a clothes pin with their name on it and as their behavior improves or worsens throughout the day, their clothespin moves. Maybe you could implement something like that at home so that if you get a bad report, she moves down and some negative consequence happens when it gets all the way down but it also gives her a little time to improve her behavior the next day. Just a thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837279 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 08:57:28 +0000 Foodnerd81 2837279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: we had a teacher who I felt was a little dramatic with my girl in particular- like one day my kid had done something wrong, teacher told me about it, which is fine, then goes “and she was the ONLY child who did that.” Um, yeah, i figured, thanks. But I totally get that it’s so frustrating and sad hearing bad reports from school. And as parents we are all just trying to figure things out as we go. Also, I may have told me recently turned 5 year old I was taking away her birthday presents for pushing and throwing a tantrum at the park... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837261 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 07:40:36 +0000 Ajsmommy 2837261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: I think you're right.... I shouldn't have taken away her smileys. I think I will tell her I made a mistake and give them back to her. And DH and I talked so we are on the same page now as to what we'll do going forward.<br /> @Foodnerd81: thank you for your input. The more I think about it the more I think I blew it out of proportion..... I feel like this particular teacher who reported it to me tends to be "dramatic" for lack of a better word.. I've noticed it with other things too.... but for some reason last night I didn't take that into consideration.<br /> @Chuckles: thank you!! great advice and my mom (former preschool teacher) actually said the exact same thing to me that the teachers should be handling the consequences at school and that's where it should stay. However, I do think it's important for DD to know we are aware of her behavior and that we don't approve of her not listening so DH and I have decided to talk it through with her and determine if anything else needs to be done at that point. And we agreed that we'll either remove tv shows for that night or do a time out from now on.<br /> @Becky: It breaks my heart to when I see DD being bossed around by this other girl. It happened right when DD first began back in sept, they were in class together but after a few short weeks DD gravitated away from her and would tell me she was mean or bossy and I (although I shouldn't have) encouraged her to be away from this girl and to play with the other kids. But I've seen this girl in action in the few short minutes I am there every day I have seen some horrible/mean behavior and I used to be so happy that DD stayed away from her.. but summer came and they ended up in the same room again and last week and this week DD seems to have been drawn back to her....<br /> @jape14: I suggested DD apologize to her teachers today, I dont' know if she will or not..... and in hindsight I am pretty sure I made it into a bigger deal than it needed to be.. however I think our one teacher is a bit dramatic!! And it's partially my fault for not realizing that in the moment bc I've had her tell me other things that I thought were "dramatic" too </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837257 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 05:56:26 +0000 jape14 2837257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had a somewhat similar situation with my 3.5 year old in preschool this spring. Both times it happened, we had him write apology notes to his teacher for misbehaving and I think that really resonated with him. For what it’s worth, I think it’s pretty normal behavior and in my conversations with his teacher, it was a much bigger deal to us than it was to her / their classroom dynamic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837255 Wed, 01 Aug 2018 04:19:34 +0000 Becky 2837255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would take a similar approach to @chuckles. </p> <p>Additionally, I have already talked to DD (also 4.5) a few times about making good decisions even if someone else isn’t, and friend choices. It broke my heart to see her copying another girl who was bossing her around at soccer practice and roping her into doing something unrelated to what the rest of the kids were doing. When we got home I didn’t even talk about the “bad behavior” (that was on the coaches to address), but rather about how that little girl made her feel, and how it would make her feel good to hang out with kids who were being nicer. This has come up a few times at school too and i usually try to talk about the bossy/mean kid in terms of them having a hard time (rather than saying they’re bossy/mean) and how she can navigate that (help them, tell them how it hurts her feelings, walk away). This has worked for us thus far, and when she’s told me about doing this we have walked through it afterwards—what the kid was doing, how it made her feel, how she reacted, how that made her feel (and after I observed her choosing to participate at soccer instead of do what the bossy girl was doing, I just said it looked like she had so much fun today and I was proud of how well she did something like kick the ball, IDK). I think 4.5 is way too young to give consequences hours later for basically copying someone they see as “the cool kid” because they probably don’t know what they did was bad, especially if someone else was also doing that thing. That being said when I make what I think is a parenting mistake in how I react to/deal with a situation (like yelling; also not saying what you did is a mistake but just so she’s not confused if you decide it was too harsh), I think 4.5 is old enough to talk about that so I will tell DD that I realize I made a bad decision, and does she agree that it would be more helpful if I did X next time. Your DD might be able to tell you the same: she didn’t know the other girls behavior was bad, or she wanted to be her friend, or something else and then you can talk about why that wasn’t the right choice and how to navigate it next time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837224 Tue, 31 Jul 2018 21:09:41 +0000 Chuckles 2837224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel pretty strongly, as a teacher (special ed teacher who deals with a lot of behavioral issues), that consequences for misbehavior at school should remain at school, especially at this age. As in, the teacher should do whatever is the typical consequence: separating kids, taking away privileges at school, etc. And then kids can start fresh when they get home. That way, there's new incentives for good behavior at home. Also, at 4.5, consequences should be mostly natural and very close in time to whatever the misbehavior is. Also, I agree with @erinbaderin: that I would definitely not take away smiley faces or something similar that a child earned for a completely different behavior. Since it makes the reward system really unpredictable, it can lower a kid's motivation to earn whatever it is.<br /> In this case, I would either leave it up to the teacher and leave it at school (though of course you can talk to your daughter about the importance of listening and good behavior) or put in a reward system where she earns something like an extra treat or TV show if she gets a good report. To get her motivation really high and keep her engaged, the reward can be as close to right after school as possible so that she can clearly make the connection between the reward and her behavior at school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837209 Tue, 31 Jul 2018 19:31:51 +0000 Foodnerd81 2837209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I got quite a few negative reports last year from preK (sadly, there was no “bad influence” friend to blame...). We had a sticker chart going for good behavior and I started giving her a sticker for the days when her teachers said she had a good day. I have never taken stickers away because it feels too unfair, like @erinbaderin: said, although I have taken away the prize she previously earned from another chart so who knows if it’s any different. Boundary pushing is normal. My kid definitely took it past “normal” so if I freaked out every time I got a negative report I would have lost my mind. So clearly I don’t know what is the best action since I dealt with it all year... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837204 Tue, 31 Jul 2018 18:44:06 +0000 erinbaderin 2837204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t think it’s fair to take away her smiley faces, honestly - that consequence doesn’t make sense to me, it’s for accomplishments that she already did and it seems like changing the rules after the fact. </p> <p>To me, this seems like something to monitor but not a huge deal - she’s 4.5! Testing boundaries is basically what they do! I would speak to her in advance, tell her why it’s important to listen to the teachers and make good choices, and then say that every day she gets a report that says she doesn’t do that she doesn’t get tv. Or else (and actually I prefer this option because I prefer rewarding good behaviour), I would start letting her also collect smileys for days when she does listen and makes good choices. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837201 Tue, 31 Jul 2018 18:07:32 +0000 MrsDynamiteGal 2837201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We went through something similar with our older son. A lot of times we had to have a sit down and explain to him why the behavior was wrong, and then remove privileges. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/proper-consequences-for-45-yo#post-2837197 Tue, 31 Jul 2018 17:44:33 +0000 Ajsmommy 2837197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DD is 4.5 and in a summer preschool program. She is in a room with a few prior classmates. One of which is a very bossy little girl....I know other kids have had problems with her and DD goes through phases where she'll play with her and other times when she days she's too bossy and avoids her.</p> <p>Not surprisingly almost every day I arrive and she's with this little girl I get a "bad report". Either she didn't listen or she made bad decisions..... Today was one of those days. And today the teacher actually for the first time stated it appeared that DD was copying "a friend" whom has this issue.</p> <p>So of course I'm upset DD didn't listen to her teachers.... And I'm wondering what is appropriate consequences. I had a Stern talk with her on the way home and no tv/shows once we got home and she lost all of her smiley faces (she's been collecting smileys on our calendar for pooping daily &lt;an issue for her &gt; and for good behavior) eventually adding up to get a new toy. </p> <p>I'm just curious what others do if they get a "bad report" from preschool /daycare. This is really the first time dealing with this and I'd love to nip this behavior in the bud if we can..... I'd love to just bar her from playing with "the friend" but I know I can't go that </p>