https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 25 May 2026 16:01:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393688 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 16:27:50 +0000 lovehoneybee 393688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Thanks for the list...I'll see if I can manage to get it to her without, you know, shoving it at her. </p> <p>The cheating happened very soon after they started dating (within a few weeks). She was a stripper at the time, and he didn't trust her from the get-go because of that...he assumed she was having sex with all of her customers (the person she cheated with was an ex--not her daughter's father, but a more recent ex). My feeling about the cheating is yes, it was very very very wrong of her, but if it wasn't something he could get over he shouldn't have proposed to her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393577 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:41:59 +0000 mrbee 393577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My main concern would be if she is in an abusive relationship... lists like this can be pretty helpful in assessing that:<br /> <a href="http://www.drdaveanddee.com/ab.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.drdaveanddee.com/ab.html</a></p> <p>I do think it's relevant that there was cheating... trust is a big deal and takes time to heal. Was the relationship was as characterized by distrust before the cheating? If it was, then that's a significant thing I think. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393504 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 14:52:52 +0000 lovehoneybee 393504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm going to have to just keep doing what I did this morning, which was tell her how I deal with DH and avoid coming off as a nag. </p> <p>I'm just so frustrated with the entire situation. I really want to kick the guy in the balls for the "it's what you're supposed to do" (with him being zero help) thing. Or tell her to run as fast as she can. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't see this ultimately ending well for her...in the meantime I'll just try to be a sounding-board for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393397 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 14:05:00 +0000 ladyfingers 393397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ohhh grrrrrr. I don't have any siblings but if I had a close friend in that situation I would be SO PISSED. I'm really bad at this kind of stuff and I don't really have any advice, but if counseling is out and divorce is out, it sounds like there aren't really a whole lot of options beyond walking on egg shells. Which sucks. Maybe just tell her, "Well, this is what I do" and relay the info about how you approach DH to avoid being a nag. That way you're not berating him (which could backfire on your, because he is her husband) and you're not really making a judgment on her one way or another. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393300 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 13:27:09 +0000 Adira 393300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, I'm so sorry that your sister is being treated this way!!! I don't really have a lot of advice. It sounds like your sister is being emotionally abused, and I don't know how to help. It's good she's seeing a therapist - do you know if she talks to her therapist about these issues? I would definitely just try to encourage her and be a person she can vent to about stuff like this. Unfortunately, there's really not much more you can do. </p> <p>When these conversations happen, try to remind her that it's not her fault and that she should try not to let him treat her that way. Her past indiscretions are just that: PAST indiscretions. She needs to forgive herself for those things and insist that her husband not hold them against her anymore OR agree to counseling so they can move on. It's unfair to both of them that he's treating her poorly now, three years later, when he supposedly had forgiven her and moved on.</p> <p>She also needs to insist on being treated better in general. If her husband offers to make dinner and then doesn't follow though, it's not nagging to remind him of that. And if he calls her a nag, she should feel safe pointing out that HE was the one that offered and that if HE wasn't going to follow through on his promises, he can expect a little bit of questioning on her part.</p> <p>Occasionally (very seldom), my husband does dumb stuff like this. He'll say one thing and do another and when I question him about it, he'll get annoyed and try to blame me (either for nagging him or whatever). I'm very quick to point out that HE'S the one being an ass-hat and if he can't speak to me with respect, he'd better STFU until he can. And then he'll always apologize later.</p> <p>I know that for me, when I am having troubles with whatever (be it my relationship or friendships or something), it's always helpful to hear some sort of similar situation and how the other person handled it. I'm guessing your husband doesn't treat you the way your sister's husband does, but maybe you can think of some example where your husband was being a jerk and how you handled it, to give your sister some guideline of what to do in a similar situation and appropriate responses. Sometimes people just don't know what is okay or isn't. If she heard that when your husband was being a jerk to you, you stood your ground and called him out on it, maybe she would feel more empowered to do the same in her own situation.</p> <p>Good luck to you and your sister! I hope things work out!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393218 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 12:51:22 +0000 spaniellove 393218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wait. What did active listening have to do what that situation? I feel like he picked up that term somewhere and just tossed it at her to make himself look big. </p> <p>I think that even though in her heart she feels something is wrong, she may not feel strong enough to accept or follow through on the advice you want to give her. He is manipulative and knows when he has her where he wants her. That must be so upsetting to see the way he treats her... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-advice-advice-long#post-393182 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 12:14:13 +0000 lovehoneybee 393182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, the title isn't a mistype, I need advice on giving advice. </p> <p>I was chatting with my stepsister this morning. She got married in a quickie ceremony last December in order to be allowed to reside in TX (loong story involving felony drug charges and the Louisiana D.A.). Her husband has three kids, and A has an autistic daughter. </p> <p>So this guy is a jerk. She cheated on him very early on in their relationship (I'm not excusing her), and he's held it over her head ever since. He's crazy possessive and jealous whenever she even talks to another guy, even her daughter's father (even if it's strictly about their daughter). If she's a little bit late coming home from work he's immediately suspicious and accuses her of cheating on him. I can understand not completely trusting someone who's cheated on you, except that in this case it happened super early on in their relationship (it's been 3 years), it seemed like they had worked through it, he asked her to marry him, and then as soon as they were engaged it amped up. </p> <p>Everyone, myself included, encouraged her to not rush into marriage (nice way of saying DON'T MARRY THIS GUY!). I flat out told her she shouldn't marry him. I'd normally keep my personal feeling out of it, because it's her life, not mine, but she expressed serious doubts about it and him. She did actually call off the engagement, but he called her crying and said he was going to kill himself. And she didn't want to leave his kids without a mother. </p> <p>So anyway, we're chatting this morning, and she asks if I've ever been called a nagged or if I have trouble with active listening. She tells me that she's been working two jobs and taking care of 4 kids and their house (the latter two pretty much alone). She said he calls her a nag whenever she asks him for help. </p> <p>She said last night he offered to cook dinner, came home from the grocery store at 7 and immediately went to check his fantasy football scores rather than start dinner. Problem is the kids' bedtime is at 8. She asked if he could start dinner and check the scores later and he blew up and called her a nag and said she needs to work on active listening. </p> <p>So now she's blaming herself, saying that she's a nag and needs to work harder on communicating. </p> <p>I had no idea what to say to her. I probably nag DH a lot, but it's more because sometimes it just doesn't occur to him to do things. When he does things without me asking I thank and praise him profusely ("Thank you SO MUCH for taking care of the dishes tonight, it really made my night easier and I appreciate it!), and when I do ask I try to phrase it like "Could you take care of the dishes? It'd be a huge help to me"</p> <p>She said she sat down with him and told him she needed a little encouragement or recognition from him for all that she does for him and the kids he told her that she didn't need it because "it's what (she's) supposed to do" (Cue blood-boiling, btw). </p> <p>If you had a family member that was dealing with a super jealous, possessive, chauvinistic ass-hat, how would you advise them? He refuses to go to couples (or individual) therapy, although she does. Separation or divorce is not an option for her.</p> <p>(My stepsister's far from a saint, I know...it just upsets me that this is the marriage she finds her (unhappily) in) </p>