https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 13 May 2026 17:04:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747333 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 11:57:16 +0000 petitenoisette 2747333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a good relationship with my parents but sometimes I end up feeling sort of like the parent in relation in certain areas. They've made some poor financial choices and I do not want to repeat the mistakes they made. I pride myself on being on time, having a clean house, getting dinner ready at a reasonable hour every night; all things my mom is incapable of doing. My dad has this thing where he doesn't always care about adhering to social norms and so sometimes he can be aggravating. It can be like he's embarrassing his adult children for no particular good reason so obviously I do not want to do that. </p> <p>My in-laws are good people but they did a really terrible job of fostering a tight knit family relationship. My DH is not close with his brother at all and maybe that could not have been avoided but I want to be a close family, but in an emotionally healthy way. </p> <p>I hope to address any issues with mental health quickly and assertively because both my parents and my MIL have really struggled with these types of problems and I think they are the root of most of the issues we do have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747265 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 11:02:28 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2747265@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I feel you. There are so many things, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when I returned to work in my old state. She extended her house for LO and I to stay for two weeks. However, she lied about quitting smoking and lied about her "friend" living there. He's also a smoke and I completely detest him. One night he locked the baby and I out of the house and told my mom he locked up the house because he thought we were together. How? My mom and him were upstairs in her room. It took her several minutes to hear me banging on the door. Mosquitos were everywhere. Her house was in such bad shape I had to go to my brother's apartment to wash my baby. Technically, I could have used her bathroom, but she had a live-in and that's gross. What I don't like is not having full information to make an informed decision. Never again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747240 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:46:22 +0000 LindsayLou 2747240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband definitely worries that our kids will have feel the same way about us as he does about his parents. I think we parent and live our lives so differently that it's not possible.</p> <p>I do worry sometimes that I won't do as good of a job as my parents at fostering/encouraging healthy, positive relationships with my adult kids. My parents have excelled in that arena and it's a lot to live up to. My husband says that we're an abnormality. </p> <p>Both of my parents had not so great upbringings and were/are not close to their parents as adults. My dad's parents pitted their 7 kids against each other all through childhood and adulthood. This obviously led to negative relationships all around. My dad has a theory that you either like the way you were raised and try to recreate it, or you don't and try to do the complete opposite. My parents both did the complete opposite, I'm trying to model my parenting after what my parents did in many ways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747231 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:24:23 +0000 gingerbebe 2747231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yes to this. The lack of reliability and integrity and stability is my biggest gripe with my parents. My mom has always made these really well-intentioned promises to me my whole life and has very rarely followed through on them. But she doesn't feel bad at all about it because she says she truly meant it when the promises were made, but in her view, circumstances beyond her control prevented her following through and she can't be faulted for that. I mean, its with everything, constantly! "Don't worry about college, you work hard and we'll figure out a way to pay for it," "don't worry about childcare, you have as many kids as you want and I'll watch all of them for you so you can continue your career," "don't worry about your wedding, we'll pay for it," "Mommy promises we'll go out to ice cream every Saturday, just the 2 of us," - big things, little things, whatever. </p> <p>I've never counted on my parents for anything and never took their promises seriously, but I flipped. out. when I realized this garbage was extending over to my kids. My mom promised to part-time babysit my oldest son until he was 18 months old and she just upped and quit on us right before the holidays when DS was 16 months, right before DH and I's busiest time at work, after telling her repeatedly from day 1 to let us know if she wanted out of the arrangement because we absolutely could not have a gap in coverage during months 16-18 because of work. SHE wanted to do the babysitting and promised up and down that it wouldn't be a problem and we PAID HER a full legal wage and she just decided one day she was over it and started becoming really rude and resentful. I won't go into the nightmare that was months 16-24 for my son and our family, but things have never been the same with my mom since then. </p> <p>I don't care if you can't or wont do things for your kids - just be honest about it. Its so so unfair. I will NEVER promise my kids something KNOWING I don't intend to follow or take anything I tell my kids lightly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747222 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:13:48 +0000 gingerbebe 2747222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: I don't know if this is better or worse, but my parents gossip about me in my face? Like they talk about me and my parenting decisions to each other as if I'm not sitting in the room within earshot. They don't do this as much anymore bc my husband asked them to direct any issues with parenting to him and basically told them we wouldn't be visiting if they said anything rude to/about me, but he doesn't speak my native language so he has no idea what's going on until I get pissed off and tell him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747219 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:10:13 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2747219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me, I can see fault in aspects of how I was raised, but what has always hurt and at this point crippled the relationship I have with my mom is integrity. Lying, manipulation, being hypocritical and just being untrustworthy is so irksome. If anything, I will try not to knowingly, willfully disappoint LO. </p> <p>Even if I correct what has bothered me about my parents and my MIL doesn't blind me to the fact that something else I might do will bother and harm my relationship with LO and his future SO. I am hopeful, that as he grows we will be respectful communicators and share our feelings in a desire to always have a great bond. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747185 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 09:21:26 +0000 youboots 2747185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Im sorry that sounds so rough. @Adira: yes it's mostly my MIL, I have not seen her since Christmas DH and DD visit her occasionally. I've taken a year break from my Dad for totally different reasons and my Mom is mostly great. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747105 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 06:45:14 +0000 Adira 2747105@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: YES.</p> <p>My parents don't do this, but some of my in-laws do. They apparently believe I need parenting, despite the fact that the one who does it the most never had kids of their own. And @youboots: YES to gossiping about me when I don't do what they want! I mean, seriously?? How childish is this??</p> <p>My kids are still young, but I'm committed to not treating them or their spouses like this! I already try to do this with my friends who are having kids for the first time - DON'T GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE! Listen without judgement and only give advice when asked and don't act like I know better than others just because I may have more experience. What worked for my kids might not work for others. I'm trying to keep that in mind with my friends NOW so hopefully I'll be able to apply the same standards to my adult children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747089 Wed, 14 Jun 2017 01:51:52 +0000 gingerbebe 2747089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do I think I'm going to repeat my parents' mistakes and create the same dynamic with my kids as adults? No.</p> <p>DH and I have basically done everything we can possibly do to not allow our kids to have a childhood like mine. I'm not going to say that it was the worst childhood or something because it wasn't - I know that my parents love(d) me and my brother and that in their eyes, they made an effort to be good parents. And they did some things right. But we had an enormously unstable household, we were always in panic mode because of my parent's finances, my parents were/are hypercritical and unhappy - towards each other and to us. I had low self esteem, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, destructive/addictive/obsessive behaviors, and chronic/expensive health issues that I'm addressing now as an adult because of the abuse, neglect, and lack of healthcare I received growing up.</p> <p>DH and I are striving to provide a stable, loving home where we put faith first and where we prioritize our marriage so that our kids know their family and home is secure. We have rearranged our careers to be home with our kids as much as possible and to provide them with a predictable, stable routine. We think very hard about our kids' individual personalities and how to support them appropriately instead of trying to pressure them into being something they're not. (For instance, I am very protective of the fact that my son is a social introvert and try to respect that as much as possible and don't let teachers or family members try to force him into situations that don't respect that). We are ridiculously proactive about our kids' health and we have the best health plan available to us. We work hard to be financially responsible, live frugally, save for retirement so we're not a burden on our kids like my parents are on us, and are insured for a zillion things so that we can continue to provide for our kids should something awful happen. We are super protective of who watches our kids (including family) and we really make an effort to hug, snuggle, love, encourage, and laugh with our kids every day. And they will know that we will love them no matter what, no matter what they do or don't do, and that they can always talk to us and be honest with us.</p> <p>I know this all sounds like normal things that parents should do, but I didn't have that growing up very much so I feel like just by consistently doing that over their lives we're giving them a good start and hopefully they will be happier, better adjusted young men then I was in my teens and early 20s.</p> <p>I feel like even if I can't give them a fancy life or even pay for college in full, all of this will help us have a good relationship as adults and respect each other. No kid agrees with everything their parents did growing up, but I hope I can at least have a good enough of a relationship where I can tell them why I did what I did and show them that we tried our very best to keep them safe, happy, healthy, and loved. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747070 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 21:15:13 +0000 ShootingStar 2747070@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Mr. Bee actually wrote a long time ago about how we only have this short window to foster a bond with our kids before they become less interested in us. I think about that a lot and I think one key to those later years is how we are as a family now. </p> <p>I have a good relationship with my parents now, but it wasn't an easy childhood sometimes. I want a different level of closeness and affection with my kids. </p> <p>@Anagram: I feel kind of the same way about my parents but in a different way. I feel like my mom in particular is much better at adulting than I will ever be. Our house was always clean, home cooked dinner almost every night, always groceries in the house, she was always on top of appointments and soccer games, and she worked a full time job plus being a professional musician on the side. In addition to working she got her masters when I was 5 and had my brother around the same time. I literally do not know how she did these things. I will just never be the model of responsibility that my mom was. I shudder to think what my kids will learn from me, lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747042 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 19:54:21 +0000 Anagram 2747042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I actually wonder if I will make some big mistakes that my parents/in-laws haven't made. They are all masters at just keeping their mouths shut about our choices, and I'm not that way naturally. I mean, I'm opinionated and I voice my opinions....I know that at *some* point, parents have to separate from their kids but I guess I just don't know when that point is. I hope I'll recognize it and not be the annoying parent who is always inserting my own opinions onto my adult children.</p> <p>The thing is, I'm human and sometimes I feel like my parents are/were super human. Like (on a slight tangent), I don't remember my parents ever having and argument or even harsh words or sarcasm exchanged between them--at us kids, yes!--but never toward each other. Now that I'm married, I DON'T GET IT. Like....how can you live with someone and not ever have disagreements, like ever? I don't live up to that standard in my marriage, so I don't know that I will live up to those standards with my adult kids.</p> <p>It's not something I give a ton of thought, but maybe I should. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747034 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 19:28:22 +0000 skipra 2747034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our issues are with the in-laws. @sunnyday: similar to you, what I thought I was marrying into vs. what we deal with now? Night and day.<br /> So the things I will try to foster is RESPECT between siblings. I am trying to love each child as an individual and allow them to be and do what they want and their siblings will have to accept that. Also, for myself I need to remember to not take sides or play favorites and to treat any future daughter in law as if she is part of the family (because she will be!) and not just a gestational carrier for my son's kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747029 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 19:15:35 +0000 sunnyday 2747029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Omg yes.</p> <p>Communication!!!!</p> <p>One, I don't have a relationship with my biological father. Since having kids, I have NO idea how someone has a child and chooses to not be involved in their life! I have zero respect for him. </p> <p>My Mom/Grandparents (who all raised me) were very much.....don't share feelings, hide emotions, and hit me/my sister. Funny because I just stopped caring about their non sharing and let it all out to them, just transparent about mental health, wellness etc in every day convo and suddenly we all just communicate about it now habitually like it's no big deal and are all very open as needed. It's been an incredible turn around and way healthier. While I think my kids only need to know so much about "our issues" with mental health as/when age appropriate, I think it's reallllllly important to be able to be an ear. I never had that except at therapy and as a kid there's only so much they can do because they know you have to go back into the house and leaving at a young age isn't optional.</p> <p>DHs parents. Put on a perfect family show and are the furthest thing from it. What I thought I was getting, versus what I got for ILs is straight up insanity. I was the one seeking stability and that idealistic family from my SO. There will be no putting on a show, no one spouses way or the highway. No gossip, transparency and no favouritism that is as sickenly obvious as it is.</p> <p>I have a lot to keep in mind as the kids grow up. Always taking what reminders I can to just love them and let everything else fall as it does sometimes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2747026 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 19:06:51 +0000 JennyPenny 2747026@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: exactly this.</p> <p>Oddly for some reason I'm not worried yet because I only have boys and my mom has a good relationship with my brothers. I worry that if I have a daughter I'll be so caught up in not repeating my moms mistakes that I'll make giant ones of my own. I've actually been asking a lot of questions of friends with healthy mother-daughter relationships because I feel like I need a model. Or maybe I'll just keep having boys and worry about having good daughter-in-law relationships. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2746997 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 18:04:16 +0000 youboots 2746997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes. I see a therapist 1x a month. I plan on treating her and her choices with respect and to trust her at some point on a sliding scale to make her own good decisions. </p> <p>Honestly I'm sick of being a successful well educated adult that requires no financial assistance and is raising a thriving happy child and being treated like I'm in need of being parented- by people who insist their experience (i.e. older) means they can give endless options and advice and gossip about me when I don't do what they want. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/relationship-with-adult-children#post-2746994 Tue, 13 Jun 2017 17:55:48 +0000 ElbieKay 2746994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is inspired by @Corduroy's in-law thread:</p> <p><a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-amp-i-cant-handle-ils-anymore" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-amp-i-cant-handle-ils-anymore</a></p> <p>If you have a less-than-stellar relationship with your parents, do you worry about repeating the same dynamic with your child(ren) once they reach adulthood?</p> <p>Are you doing anything to try and avoid repeating the same dynamic? Do you think it will work? </p>