https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 10:20:25 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1013089 Tue, 13 Aug 2013 11:24:08 +0000 Torchwood 1013089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the responses from everyone!</p> <p> @lamariniere: It's actually kind of weird sometimes, talking to DH about religion. He was raised essentially apathetic (they maybe went to church at Christmas and Easter), and he knows so little about religion compared to me. I think I'd want our kids to have more awareness than he does.</p> <p>@Cole: I'm glad your family members found some balance that let it be less awkward for you. I agree that it's good to see people who have found peace. Though to be honest my family doesn't seem at peace. They seem so frantic to push their beliefs on everyone. And I know my atheism has caused them stress. I get why, since they genuinely believe I'll be damned for eternity, but in so many ways their beliefs seem to cause them more stress, not less.</p> <p>@scg00387: Agreed that we'll have to focus on consistency. I think we'll send an email or something once we're pregnant again and far enough along for people to have started thinking about gifts. And then we'll continue to reinforce it at holidays and birthdays (on the gift front), and to stand our ground on the rest. Maybe they'll be understanding...</p> <p>Also, one thing I forgot when I wrote this is discipline. DH and I have agreed on attachment parenting and non-punitive discipline as the way we want to raise our kids. My family believe STRONGLY in spanking, and consider disobedience the worst thing ever (the idea being to learn to blindly obey your parents in preparation for blindly obeying God, literally). I don't want to raise a kid who is blindly obedient to anyone, and I'm sure at some point one of my kids will fail to immediately do what they're told by a grandparent or aunt or something, and a fight will ensue when they try to punish my kid. That's another boundary I will make clear repeatedly, but honestly I think it's the one they'll understand the least and have the hardest time sticking with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1012077 Tue, 13 Aug 2013 02:20:19 +0000 lamariniere 1012077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not a ton of advice, but lots of support your way. We are also atheists and so are our families, so we don't have your particular issue. I think that you should stick to the ways you want to raise your future children regardless of what the family thinks. I know I would be extremely uncomfortable, ok, even pissed if I felt obligated to send my kids to vacation bible school or similar things just to appease family. It just wouldn't happen. </p> <p>The thought that does cross my mind from time to time is how important is it for my children to have some knowledge of popular religious beliefs just so they have some kind of cultural awareness? Or, how to talk about religion when my children are older and curious (for example, there is a fairly conservative Muslim population in our area with women who are fully covered except their eyes). This could be a topic for a whole different thread. I went to a faith based preschool and kindergarten/first grade, so I do know bible stories and the general ideas. But what does my kid need to know of that? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1011742 Mon, 12 Aug 2013 20:47:09 +0000 immabeetoo 1011742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds really frustrating. We are both agnostic, and both our parents are apathetic (not sure how they specifically identify) but one of LO's great grandparents is religious and often sends him things of a religious nature. We've let her know several times that they're not being displayed, etc. but if it makes her happy, she can send them but it's still frustrating since it's a waste of money on her part.</p> <p>I think all that will help is consistency and letting them know that their time with any of your kids will be supervised and limited if they can't respect your boundaries. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1011728 Mon, 12 Aug 2013 20:40:18 +0000 artsyfartsy 1011728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Still clawing my way out of religion from being raised into it and constantly spoon fed it. I couldn't make moral decisions of my own until I was an adult and still struggle with it today even though I've left my religion behind long ago. Don't want my kids to deal with the same thing. Bumping for advice! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1011340 Mon, 12 Aug 2013 17:26:18 +0000 Cole 1011340@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What a tricky situation to maneuver! Thankfully we won't have to deal with this type of situation since our families are all on the same page as us. Growing up though I had an aunt and uncle and consequently their children who all became born again evangelical Christians and it was really a struggle for my mom. My uncle was very sick and was looking for peace and after he passed my aunt became extremely zealous. My parents handled it well, they explained that different people believe different things and that we were free to ask polite questions and respectfully discuss religion with them and we were free to decide what we believe on our own since it is impossible to really know the "truth." </p> <p>I went to VBS several times between elementary and middle school and I honestly remember basically discarding the religious bits and just enjoying time with the other kids. It was up to us if we wanted to go and I remember opting out many years too. </p> <p>After about 8-10 years I would guess, my aunt and her family found-- a softer way about their beliefs. They used to seem almost frantic to make everyone know what they believe and to "help" all of us to believe it too, and I get that, they found peace and wanted to share it-- it just didn't work for me. Now they just seem peaceful and happy, aside from prayers at meals and during hard times they just trust we will come to them when we need that spiritual side of things. Hopefully your family will be able to find that even ground with things because I do think that regardless of anyone's personal beliefs there is great value for a child to see someone find any path to peacefulness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/religious-differences-with-family-long#post-1011245 Mon, 12 Aug 2013 16:35:40 +0000 Torchwood 1011245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Okay, so I'm an atheist (for about 8 years now), and was raised Southern Baptist. In recent years, my family (on both mom and dad's side) have become more and more EXTREME fundamentalists. I'm still VERY close to my mom, and fairly close to my dad and his family (stepmom, half brother and sister), but I'm finding more and more distance opening up with everyone else. Added to that, I'm not allowed to tell my brother and sister (12 and 14) that I'm an atheist. (Which I think will cause them to resent their parents for hiding it, causing far more damage than my "bad influence" would. But whatever, not worth the fight.)</p> <p>So here's the issue. When we have kids (hopefully very soon), we're going to have to set some clear boundaries. (Note, DH is atheist too, though less interested in the whole thing than I am.) We've already decided no religious gifts whatsoever, indefinitely. No trying to teach them about religion until they're at least 4, maybe 5, when they're old enough to start to understand the difference between fact and fiction/opinion. Once they do start talking about it, all things will be prefaced with some variation "I believe" (including what DH and I tell them), no stating things as accepted fact. </p> <p>I've already discussed the "I believe" thing with my mom, and she's already crossed it. When I was briefly pregnant a few months ago, she wrote a letter to the baby (with the intention of me saving it for him/her to read) that included a LOT of "God has plans for you" type statements. I let that go since I could just keep the letter from them until they were old enough to understand things better, but it's frustrating that boundaries aren't being respected right from the get go. </p> <p>I also think things like refusing to send them to Vacation Bible School will cause big fights.</p> <p>Does anyone have any experience with family that has different religious beliefs? How do you stand your ground on things without winding up causing huge rifts? </p> <p>(Also, keep in mind that we don't want to raise little brainwashed atheists any more than we want to allow my family to turn them into little brainwashed fundamentalists. We want to allow our kids to learn about any and all religions and make their own decision at an appropriate age. I never learned about non-Christians from a non-Christian, non-bashing standpoint growing up, and atheists were just depressed, probably drug addicted, horrible, evil people. This is what they want me to teach my kids.)</p> <p>Further note, I know most religious people are not like my family. They are the extreme outliers that make everyone look bad. </p>