https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 14 Apr 2026 02:33:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353248 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 21:53:49 +0000 Mrs. D 2353248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hear ya, I have no ideas that can help, but I just want to let you know you're not alone, as I'm sure you already know from other the other responses above. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353241 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 21:49:28 +0000 Nutella 2353241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely hear you, and can recognise similar moments with us during extended periods of Groundhog Day type weeks, where we are both just exhausted. It sounds really cheesy but sometimes I like to remind myself that we are both on the same 'team' and not to try and score points. That usually makes me come around. As well as a heart to heart with DH. He's pretty happy to change things up if I tell him directly (me time in or out of the house, need help cleaning, meal planning etc), but it's when I keep it bottled up that I get really upset. It can sometimes become passive-aggressive too, where I'll try and do it all myself but not in a genuinely happy way, so when it gets like that I know I need to bring it up &amp; talk it out 😁 </p> <p>Date nights without kids is a really nice luxury too that helps if you can swing it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353189 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 21:04:04 +0000 Ms maths 2353189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: Thanks for posting the link! A list of household work, as a starting point for discussion, could be helpful for both of us. </p> <p>We have tried various enforced divisions of labor, but they don't generally stick and they make us both grumpy. However, seeing what we each do could be good both for making changes and for accepting our current situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353151 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 20:31:48 +0000 JennyD 2353151@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yep. We go through this too every now and again. I agree with me time. Sometimes I need more sleep. I try making sure I'm taking my omega threes.</p> <p>Last time we went through this I Was really upset. Try equallysharedparenting.com. They have these worksheets about balance, for housework, parenting stuff and finances. I made my husband go through them with me and I pointed out the things that I do that he doesn't think about. It was hard but it helped. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353128 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 20:20:19 +0000 PrincessBaby 2353128@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is like an extension of me. I tell him everything, and ifi didn't, he would know anyway. Does he irritate me sometimes? Absolutely! But if it was enough to bother or worry me, I would just come clean with him and go from there. We'd get to the bottom of it together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2353119 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 20:16:27 +0000 peachykeen 2353119@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really have any good advice, but I am right there with you! Our daughter is 14 months, and for most of her life I have just felt so frustrated and resentful towards my husband - it's bad and I hate it! </p> <p>In the beginning, it was that he was getting more rest and time away than I was, and now it is that I do more of the housework (and still that he gets more time away). I just have to keep reminding myself that it is at least half my choice to be doing these things - if I don't do them he does help out - and he is also generally responding to my complaints and putting in more effort. </p> <p>I keep hearing that it gets better as the kids get older, so I'm just holding out and focusing on that... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352940 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 16:48:36 +0000 Ms maths 2352940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352664 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 15:03:30 +0000 avivoca 2352664@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm going through something like this right now with my spouse. I know that it's 100% related to external circumstances (my job), but I can feel the resentment building toward him and I don't like it. I have a feeling that we are going to have a talk soon because I just can't keep up with it all anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352640 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 14:55:08 +0000 Bluemasonjar 2352640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I go through periods of resentment and have realized that it usually coincides with times that I have other additional stress in my life. I start to feel overwhelmed and then when I see him on the computer or watching TV it makes me so angry. It was especially tough with a newborn because he just didn't seem to get it. Now that he is home with DH for a few weeks he is starting to have more appreciation for all that I do. </p> <p>Ideally the split would be equal but at least in my relationship I think I am just capable of handling more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352556 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 14:14:57 +0000 Mae 2352556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I get like this there is usually a reason (good or not) that I just haven't realized yet. So I usually try to think through to the last time I was really happy and what has happened since and see if I can identify what he first did that pissed me off. Or sometimes it isn't even him. Sometimes I"ll realized that I was really stressed about X and didn't even realize I was stressed but being in that mode made me irritable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352517 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 13:45:14 +0000 sarac 2352517@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This whole issue of HELPING is at the root of the problem, imho. I've talked endlessly with my husband about how, with two kids, I no longer have the energy or desire to be 'in charge' of everything. I cannot just do everything with some help from him - I need him to be an equal participant in the cleaning, the child rearing, etc. I can't be in charge of it all. He's really gotten on board lately, which is awesome. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352429 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 13:06:27 +0000 catomd00 2352429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms maths: for me it's a combination of both dealing with my issues and expectations and him doing more. It's<br /> Give and take. I've learned to let go a little of expecting him to do everything the way I want when I want it, allowing for some flexibility for him and for me to relax more (a messy house isn't the end of the world!) but it also requires him to give a little and meet me halfway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352414 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 13:03:20 +0000 catomd00 2352414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Open communication. I don't let things build to the point of resentment. I just tell him how I feel and what I need him to do to help me out. There's a middle ground between being a nagging wife and being a martyr. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352405 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:58:03 +0000 buttermilk 2352405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have major struggles with this well. DH really loves his work. He is a journalist and also manages social media for his org so he is basically on call 24/7. He seems to accomplish so much in his work each day, yet is the worst at being accountable for small tasks around the house like putting away the dishes, remembering to feed the dog, taking the recycling out before it piles over. I often feel like he does nothing unless I specifically ask him to. And even then it will turn out he wasn't listening closely to me! Last night I fell asleep on the couch and had washed our cloth diapers but I asked him to put them in the dryer on the way up to bed. He has done it before, and I've done my best to explain each step but of course he forgot to take the Flip covers out to air dry. I thought of it at 5am this morning while nursing and asked him if he remembered. Argh! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352369 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:24:53 +0000 BandDmommy 2352369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I accidentally washed my husbands expensive cuff links the other day. I was so angry. I got them for him as a gift and somehow they ended up in the pocket of his gym shorts. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352366 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:23:40 +0000 looch 2352366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BandDmommy: Yes! And my son is actually the worst offender on this at the moment, the weird stuff he has in his pockets, oh my. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352364 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:22:42 +0000 BandDmommy 2352364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: or at least take stuff out of your pockets! That drives me crazy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352345 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:05:46 +0000 looch 2352345@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: yes, agreed on overworked, overtired adults.</p> <p>I have to just tell my husband, hey, can you do xyz for me. It isn't that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't appreciate that all the little things add up. I don't mind doing the laundry and ironing the shirts, but please, unroll the sleeves and undo the collar buttons. It doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have 5 shirts, I am standing in front of the washer for an extra 5 minutes when you can do it in 15 seconds when you take the shirt off! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352337 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:02:31 +0000 Anagram 2352337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: oh man, I would be thrilled if I could get my husband on board with a cleaning person. He thinks we should both easily be able to work, have kids, cook dinner each night, and clean our own house and do our own laundry. He doesn't even send out his work shirts to a dry cleaner--he irons them himself each morning. Sometimes I think we're saving money at the cost of my sanity. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352331 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 12:00:25 +0000 Anagram 2352331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like a little bit of occasional resentment is normal for all relationships, not just marriages. I mean, put me in a situation with any individual on this planet (my mom, my best girl friend, whoever) where we both have to work full time and take care of 2 kids, neither of which sttn, and there is going to be some resentment.</p> <p>It totally happens with my husband and I (for allllll of the reasons other ladies have listed above, mainly related to household balance), but I noticed when my mom is visiting us to help, or my inlaws are here to help, I start resenting them over different little things.</p> <p>I think it's just a symptom of overworked and over-tired adults. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352303 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 11:43:27 +0000 MaryM 2352303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I was offended the first time DH suggested getting a cleaning lady (I mean, I kept up the entire house before we got married), but it really has been such a relief. He's so messy that it really was a lot more work to keep up with both our messes! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352302 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 11:42:38 +0000 Mamasig 2352302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like this from time to time. Why do I have to be "in charge" of so much in the house? Childcare, what's for dinner, etc. I try to focus on DH's responsibilities that I do not help with. For example, I do zero yard work. He cuts the grass and we live on an acre. So in 100 degree summer weather, he is out there for two days straight taking care of the outside of the house. I also try to remember that his responsibilities with the kids continue to grow as they get older. At 1st it was all me, but as we add kids and they get older, they start going to him for a lot. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352295 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 11:39:42 +0000 JoJoGirl 2352295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms maths: This is exactly us. I say I need him to do more because I do 90% of it and he honestly believes he can't do more than he already is. He suggested hiring help before being able to help more himself.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2352289 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 11:36:49 +0000 MaryM 2352289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hate when men blame things on hormones... But for me, I think they're a big part of it</p> <p>I found DH SO annoying when I was pregnant. I really regret that we weren't that happy shiny excited couple. </p> <p>And I just noticed it coming back...just in time for AF. Like, even the sound of him chewing makes me ragey. It happens mid cycle too. </p> <p>I usually try to not say anything, but will if he doesn't catch on. In your apartment case, I think it would be better to tell him how that made you feel in case it happens again. </p> <p>I've also been trying to "warn" DH more when I'm on edge or know AF is coming or whatever. Then at least he doesn't totally step in it an mistakenly make things even worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351939 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 09:20:27 +0000 Ms maths 2351939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jojogirl: Our recent "discussion" started because I asked him if he could fill the soda stream bottles up when he is in charge of after-dinner clean-up :sad: It only takes me 1 minute to do, but I just get so frustrated that he doesn't take the 1 minute to do it himself.</p> <p>When I brought up our work balance this morning, he said that he doesn't know if he is "doing his fair share" but he feels like he is stretched as far as he can stretch. I'm not sure how to handle this. On the one hand, I think: we are a team; if you can't do everything you need to do, I am here to help you pick up the slack. But then I think: I work, too, and I figure out ways to get my job done and get household tasks done. (We actually have the same job--tenured professors--so it's not the case that he just has a more demanding job. He _does_ currently have more work than me, but--from my perspective--that is because I have shifted some of my teaching to the future when our kids won't be so young, and I have turned down/avoided some service and research commitments.)</p> <p>And sometimes I feel like such an idiot that I didn't see this coming in our relationship, which just adds to my resentment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351888 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 08:58:48 +0000 JoJoGirl 2351888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms maths: YES, this! I work AND do most of the housework. He does "help" but I *hate* that he views it at as help and not divided duty - I work full-time for god's sake. But as you said, other 'arrangements' just don't work - it never gets better :( It's like he just doesn't SEE it. He doesn't SEE the laundry and the dishes and whatever else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351886 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 08:57:35 +0000 Ms maths 2351886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no ideas, just commiseration :bummed: </p> <p>I have had a recent resurgence of my ongoing resentment about my perception that I do more of the household work. We discuss periodically and sometimes try new arrangements (which often don't work out); but we seem to fundamentally have different views on the importance of (non-childcare) home vs. work. And when I am feeling resentful, I feel trapped in this terrible 1950's reality, where he has been socialized to value work and I have been socialized to value home. </p> <p>So I'm wondering, too, how you all decide when your resentment is something that you need to work on yourself vs. something that isn't working about the relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351865 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 08:46:09 +0000 Synchronicity 2351865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If I am feeling irritated with DH my first instinct is always me time, but that never really seems to help long term. What works for us is doing something fun together... Hiking a new trail followed by a nice lunch out, taking a long drive with good coffee, going to a local festival, things like that. Plus, sex. I've found that when we are feeling off, it's a sign that we need to recharge and reconnect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351855 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 08:42:01 +0000 Ajsmommy 2351855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so me if I am tired. Like I get really irritated by things that normally don't bother me. I hate it but it happens. When I feel that way I lash out and we fight :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/resentment#post-2351853 Wed, 11 Nov 2015 08:41:37 +0000 JoJoGirl 2351853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm in one now :( I get stuck in a bad place and it's just all bad! I could barely sleep last night because I was SO angry at SO that I do most of the laundry :-/ </p>