https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 10 Apr 2026 05:09:30 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver/page/2#post-2412201 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 07:37:21 +0000 looch 2412201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The second one is more like what I was thinking. I think the most common mistake new parents make is to keep their babies up too long between morning wakeup and first nap of the morning. I know I did! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver/page/2#post-2412200 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 07:35:43 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2412200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: thanks for the recommendation! Did you have something like these charts or even more detailed? </p> [attach=3033/16/o0l1nj.550x550.4bd927c43ce5d1d9db90eccc96d14963.jpg] [attach=3033/16/o0l1nk.472x600.75de7a47696639cd149891ba64d68735.jpg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2412190 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 07:26:00 +0000 looch 2412190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I also wanted to mention that I spoke to my son in my authentic voice, it didn't feel right to speak to him in baby talk and I got a lot of comments about it. I just did what felt right and I am glad I did. </p> <p>If you're looking for book recs, I'd recommend Weissbluth. Not so much for the method, but to understand baby sleep cycles and sleep cues (like I didn't know that when you see yawning, baby is already overtired). Another thing that was very useful to me was a chart that I got from a blog that detailed awake times and ages. It was really helpful in understanding when to put my son down for naps. Maybe someone has it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2412185 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 07:20:53 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2412185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugsmama: I read somewhere that ring slings aren't too comfortable for bigger people with large chests, so I don't have one already picked out on my gear list. Do you have a ring sling recommendation? When I attend the babywearing class I will happily try on any and every carrier they have available. The class is for expecting moms and new moms. It will be interesting to see how these carriers fit for those of us with baby bumps and ultimately guide our buying decisions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2412128 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 01:33:43 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2412128@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I like how thoughtful you are about what type of parent you want to be! and for what it's worth, we used our Tula with the infant insert very early! It was great for short walks from the get go. Have you thought about trying a ring sling? it was a life saver for me when baby was smaller because the SSC didn't make him feel as cuddled and held as being wrapped in the ring sling. It was awesome for fussy times at home the first 6 months! </p> <p>So I did a lot of research on some aspects of parenting, especially during all those breastfeeding hours at first, but I don't know much about RIE. it sounds like something I would really like to learn more about and also something that I should incorporate into my work as a pediatric nurse! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411822 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 19:21:21 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2411822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: the book I'm starting next is "Nurture Shock" and then I move on to one that DH picked out.</p> <p>@Rockies11: great tips! Fortunately, my mom will likely spend a lot of time with me during my mat leave since DH has week long business trips for two months straight. That will give me plenty of time to lead by example.</p> <p>@JoyfulKiwi: that's good to hear! I'm hoping my little guy is comfortable speaking up for himself at that age too. @catomd00: I've been hesitant about in home care due to what my state's regulations, but just like I'm open to new parenting techniques all care options may end up being on the table. </p> <p>The RIE classes in my area are all held on weekday mornings. If this style truly pans out for us I'll have to take some PTO to participate in the RIE community. :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411763 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 18:14:49 +0000 Rockies11 2411763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am all for RíE and gentle parenting and I do do some of the RíE baby things, but it is a philosophy that would be challenging to do full time for you, let alone everyone else, lol. I exclusively do RIE and gentle parenting with the kids, and my husband follows my lead. </p> <p>With parents, we have said no spanking or physical discipline of any kind ever, and then otherwise we let them do what they want but talk to them generally about the approach so they understand it. I think that what you want to avoid is talking about how it's different from how you were raised, and connect on the points that are similar. Your parents will be much less receptive to hearing about what's different than what's the same - so like "when I was growing up, I really liked how I felt listened to when you did x. Here's some ways we're working on that with out baby". When there's a point of conflict, I depersonalize it to "what's current" or "the theory". A good example was BLW with my first, and they were freaked right out about choking. When the parents were taking care of her, they could feed however they felt comfortable. When I was there I would do BLW, and when they freaked out, I would just say "the theory says that her coughing is a positive thing". </p> <p>With caregivers, I think you need to just pick what the most important things are to you. With our first, it was a low infant/caregiver ratio at first, then we wanted her in a true montessori. When she got older we realized that montessori was an awful fit for her, and we actually ended up putting her in a small dayhome with a gentle parenting philosophy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411747 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 17:55:03 +0000 daniellemybelle 2411747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MoonMoon: Totally! This was definitely me pre-baby.</p> <p>@looch: Love that. I definitely had plenty of tools in my toolbox in advance but often I am winging it ;)</p> <p>One thing that is more important than any other method is if your DCPs love kids and love their jobs. If they care about your child, they are more likely to talk to your baby during a diaper change, not because of a method but out of affection. Look for a daycare with low turnover (a sign of happy teachers) and teachers that really seem like they genuinely enjoy loving on the babies in their care. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411714 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 17:17:05 +0000 catomd00 2411714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We found a sitter (SAHM) who has a similar philosophy. My in-laws who also watch DD naturally have a similar style, but they've observed what we do and do that and also asked us how we want them to handle certain things. We don't micromanage them much and realize they're not going to do everything as we would, but they try and it's better than most alternatives!</p> <p>Also, I chose my parenting style to form the best possible relationship with my child. I don't think anything within reason that a DcP does will damage my child or my relationship with her which is my priority if that makes sense:.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411680 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 16:39:59 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2411680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: oh ok, I focused on the holding up his head part of earlier response. I asked one of the doulas we interviewed about blocking the baby's airways during BF because my chest is large. She gave me a tip, but yeah I'd totally freak out if I thought my baby couldn't breathe too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411651 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 16:24:40 +0000 ElbieKay 2411651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: It wasn't a question of how well he was supported. It was that his face seemed very smushed into my chest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411540 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 15:17:24 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2411540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: with my first, I was in your same position. RIE really resonated with me &amp; I felt strongly about certain aspects (and less strongly about other parts). We were lucky enough to find a great Montessori-based infant program which aligned very closely to what we wanted (respect for the infant as a person, little to no "positioners"). So for a DCP, I'd say shop around.<br /> As for family, it was (and, 3 years later, still is) a struggle. We never explicitly stated "rules" with anyone, but do a lot of Janet's "sportscasting" where we narrated for the baby &amp; even that we use VERY sparingly. Now that he's older, he's learning to advocate for himself ("Grandpa, please don't tease me.") As an infant, our son showed no signs of being confused by "mixed messages".<br /> For what it's worth, I'm actually parenting very much the way I thought I would before our son arrived. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411487 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:46:12 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2411487@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sweetiepie: , @MoonMoon: Of course I can't say for certain what principles will matter to me most until the baby gets here and I'm having to use them myself. However, speaking to my baby in an authentic voice is something I am able to do now and more than capable of continuing. Thinking about these things doesn't cause me anxiety; I start threads such as these to bounce ideas off people that have experience with what's on my mind and the discussion informs and prepares me. </p> <p>@Cherrybee: I get what you're saying. From a lot of the responses it sounds like the LOs are flexible enough to navigate different styles of care.</p> <p>@ElbieKay: What kind of carrier were you referring to that didn't appear to support the baby well? I haven't attended the babywearing class yet to see how the littlest ones fair in the different options. We won't have a bucket seat, so hopefully our arms or SSC or cushioned umbrella stroller will please the babe. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411465 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:30:25 +0000 yoursilverlining 2411465@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think speaking with daycares (or nannies) about their rules and philosophies can help a lot to get you and your child into a care situation you will be comfortable with. I don’t think you can ensure that any caregiver, except yourself, will follow any one philosophy 100% and you have to decide if you are OK with that or not. </p> <p>I also agree with @Moonmoon. Honestly, it’s totally impossible to plan for parenting before becoming a parent, because you are making decisions on behalf of someone you’ve never met before (your baby). Your baby will have a personality, likes/dislikes and needs which may be completely different from Janet Landsbury’s children’s needs, and if you are so wedded to one philosophy you risk missing out on providing your child what they really need in pursuit of giving them what you’ve predetermined they need. </p> <p>We all need to have some faith in ourselves sometimes too. If you want an item and thought it would be fun, interactive and useful enough for your baby to enjoy, who gives a flying eff what some “parenting philosopher” says? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411448 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:16:59 +0000 looch 2411448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there is a lot of value in reading in advance of the birth, but more from an "add this to your toolbox" kind of perspective as opposed to "this is the method we will use" perspective. You never know what you're going to be dealing with until you're in the middle of it, but having a little background knowledge is a good thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411445 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:14:12 +0000 ElbieKay 2411445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MoonMoon: Yes, this.</p> <p>I have a list of preconceived parenting notions that I threw out the window once my child showed up. For instance, I thought I would be a CIO parent, and it turns out that I absolutely cannot take the crying. I swore I would never bedshare, and now my toddler often cuddles with me in bed. (Most of the time I enjoy it, and sometimes I get kicked in my sleep and wish I had stuck to my original convictions! And I have my limits; he always starts the night out in his crib.)</p> <p>And I wound up giving a pacifier earlier than I was comfortable with, and my son started rejecting it a couple of weeks later and has never looked back. So I have also learned not to anticipate problems because I could drive myself crazy that way.</p> <p>My parents watch my son two afternoons per week, and we don't always align perfectly. There are things they do that annoy me. I work hard to pick my battles, though, because after a year and a half of this arrangement he has an amazing bond with them. It's great for all of us, for varying reasons. And I know he is safe and cared for and loved when he is with them.</p> <p>Personally, as a parent I have to let pragmatism reign because otherwise I would go nuts. I view parenting philosophies as as menu and an opportunity to brainstorm a problem/challenge.</p> <p>OK, I will get off my soapbox. Sorry that was kind of long! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411435 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:07:33 +0000 SweetiePie 2411435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MoonMoon: This exactly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411430 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 14:05:21 +0000 ElbieKay 2411430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I thought I would use a carrier for my newborn, but I was unable to get past feeling like I was suffocating him. I had to wait until he could hold up his head. Babywearing was also very rough on my postpartum back, so it took awhile before I was able to wear him comfortably. I got a ton of mileage out of my Beco SSC once he was older, but it was well past 3 months old. (And I think we used the Moby maybe twice.)</p> <p>I didn't cart my son around too much in the bucket seat; however, it was SO NICE to have the option to take a sleeping baby out of the stroller and put him into the car without waking him up (or vice versa). And sometimes (e.g., in a restaurant), you don't want to be wearing your baby 100% of the time you are in public. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411364 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 13:33:32 +0000 MoonMoon 2411364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the reality is that very few people end up parenting exactly as they thought before their baby arrives, and most people end up picking from many techniques/philosophies/instincts that work for them, so I think worrying about and negotiating what is really important to you can wait. Trying to plan how you'll parent and assuming that people won't be on board right now might just cause anxiety. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411331 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 13:08:21 +0000 Cherrybee 2411331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think that, in life, there will be people who really, really get you and people who don't, and part of growing up is learning to have relationships with all different kinds of people. Its great that you are working hard to build trust and mutual respect with your baby but I wouldn't worry too much if not everybody goes to such lengths to do the sane. As long as they have your LO's best interests at heart, the relationship will develop in its own way. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411303 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:50:42 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2411303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: the only definite thing I want for my baby is what I started practicing since reading the book- speaking in my authentic voice and narrating some things that effect both of us. I'd love for his care givers to take the same approach and wait for communication cues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411295 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:44:38 +0000 ShootingStar 2411295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: We did have a couple that were gifted to us. They were great for keeping him amused for a couple minutes while I either got breakfast or went to the bathroom. It was also helpful because we have a dog and she could kind of of understand that the playmat was DS's space and not get up in his face too much or step on him. I didn't feel good about leaving him just randomly on the floor, and sometimes you gotta put the baby down!</p> <p>My biggest advice in regards to parenting is don't kill yourself in order to follow any given philosophy. Parenting is hard. Figuring out newborns is hard. If there's something that makes your life easier, don't beat yourself up for doing it. I honestly don't know how I would have survived without a stroller the first few months. DS hated to be worn while I sat down. So walking with him was fine, but if I wanted to sit (like if we were eating out somewhere or just shopping at the mall or whatever) he'd freak out of if I sat down. But he was fine in the bucket seat of the stroller. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411232 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:19:49 +0000 blackbird 2411232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd pick a few aspects of the philosophy that you feel strongly about and work on those. I think it's very difficult to hand your mom a book and say "here, parent in this manner", which is basically the opposite of what she will likely do. Pick your battles, I suppose? And i'm in the same boat regarding a lot of previous posters--I respect my child, i give empathy, and I try to follow some basic tenets, but giving a baby a choice? Staring deep into her eyes? Not gonna do that. And not gonna tell someone else they have to do that. I'd just pick the biggies out and go from there. </p> <p>There are a lot of parenting philosophies out there. No one philosophy is totally, 100% foolproof. And any that makes you feel like this is the only right way to do it?....well, that's quite a recipe for inadequacy and guilt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411231 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:19:46 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2411231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugsmama: on another post of mine you commented on I am actually following your lead. I already planned not to do the bucket seat, and we're skipping a stroller that can be used from birth. I figure I'll use my SCC for the first three months when we venture out of the house. Although RIE dislikes the term and actually babywearing I was able to let go any lingering negative thoughts on our stroller choice. I kept reading babies under 6-8 months really should face their parents, but it sounds like if I can make my baby secure that I'm near or coming back a stroller that faces to the world is ok.</p> <p>@ShootingStar: I appreciate your feedback too! So along the lines of the mobile, did you have a play gym for your baby? I had the Ikea one on my gear list along with the sheep skin run to go under it. Then after reading the book I removed them and added Land of Nod's play mat that is colorful and has different textures figuring the mat is more supportive of early exploration. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411193 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:09:38 +0000 Ms maths 2411193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugsmama: That's the approach that our daycare takes. There are no bouncers or other containers in the infant room, but they do use SSC's for the infants on walks. (And @ShootingStar, I think they are able to not use "containers" because they have an incredibly high provider-to-infant ratio: at some times of the day as high as 4 providers for 8 babies. But that's part of what makes it expensive; and we can't give the same level of attention at home when there are two kids, other things that have to get done, and a space that wasn't designed specifically for infants.)</p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: We actually started at the daycare we use because it was one of the few places of any kind that has an infant program. Certainly in our area, it's really tough to find infant care of any kind! </p> <p>Would your mom being willing to read the book you have?<br /> Also, I think it's really special that your LO could have the opportunity to form a close relationship with your mom by having her play a major role in care-giving, so maybe think of it as a trade-off rather than just giving up some of the parenting principles you value? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411188 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 12:08:14 +0000 stillme 2411188@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I loosely follow RIE, but I didn't read Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting (however, I have read Toddler Discipline without Shame which is excellent), so I'm not exactly sure what the book says. Also, my kids are 2 and 9 months. So with that in mind...</p> <p>I didn't intentionally seek out a day care that was guided by RIE (I don't think that's really an option in my area anyway), so I chose one that was convenient, safe, and gave me a good feeling. They use swings, and bouncers, and chairs for the babies, but they also give them lots of floor time and space to explore. For the toddlers, they have lots of unstructured playtime and are realistic about toddler behavior and use positive discipline. My kids love their daycare, and I don't regret holding out for one that was more inline with RIE principles. </p> <p>At home, I didn't use a swing or a bouncer for either of my kids and they didn't spend much time in baby chairs or jumpers, although we certainly used them when we needed them (to hold the baby while I give the toddler a bath, a RNP for the newborn, etc.). They have a "yes space", plenty of "wants nothing. quality time" and lots of time for independent play. That "play is a child's work" part of RIE really resonates with me, and I let them lead the way. </p> <p>Regarding other caregivers, I model like crazy for my husband and he picks some stuff up well and other stuff gets lost in translation, but he tries and has a great relationship with our kids. If it's something that I feel really strongly about, I'll tell him how I feel or send him an article, but I don't do that often to be honest. </p> <p>With grandparents, I also don't get involved if their approach isn't RIE. As long as everyone is being respectful and safe, I don't intervene. </p> <p>Hope that helps! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411156 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:57:01 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2411156@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I only have one child but I agree with limiting time in "baby holders" as much as possible. It's just common sense to me! That they will learn more about their bodies when they aren't always so contained. That being said, my baby barely tolerated any of those anyways! Especially the bucket seat. When I see babies transported around constantly in their car seats it's so foreign to me! Plus he was so heavy so fast. </p> <p>I will point out that a crunchy type teacher I had for this infant play time class who had physical therapist/early intervention background said that using slings and carriers didn't count because those were actually great for their development. Getting to fulfill their need for cuddling and coziness while still experiencing movement in a natural way. Anyway, it aligned with what my baby liked anyways so I tended to agree with her! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411151 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:53:34 +0000 Anagram 2411151@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: yeah, they are also generally against baby carriers, which....I mean, come on. A baby carrier was LIFE changing for me when the newborn was fussy and I needed to get something done, like make dinner or laundry or just take a walk when the baby wanted to be held. </p> <p>The other infant thing that peeves me a little is the "eye contact/paying attention while BFing". Maybe my LO just has special issues...and well, it is true that we've had lots of BFIng issues--but she ONLY eats if she's in a totally calm, quiet, dark, relaxing atmosphere, and she has to close her eyes and just concentrate on eating or she doesn't eat. When I try to talk to her or do ANYTHING with her during that time, she'll stop eating! We have pretty much no eye contact during feeding...which is her choice. But in RIE, that would be "disrespectful", because "infants can't make that choice" and Lansbury even insinuates down in the comments of this article that if a baby is that way maybe they've been conditioned to disassociate during feedings. Puhleeze. She also mentions in another comment she feels guilt a lot. That says volumes to me about the type of mother who might feel driven to use RIE 24/7--I guess I wonder, at what cost? The mother's mental health? (requiring them to stare at their feeding baby for 10-12 hours a day in the first months, solely interacting with the baby and not the outside work. Seems like a perfect recipe for PPD to me).</p> <p>A lot of these things are just...above and beyond. On the other hand, I really like some of the other basic tenants of RIE. Just not all of them and I don't like the mommy guilt that happens when a person can't/doesn't want to adhere to these philosophies with a fanatical zeal, because the insinuation is that your child is now damaged in some way. Parenting is challenging enough without driving yourself crazy trying to be "mindful" 24/7, </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411136 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:42:28 +0000 Cherrybee 2411136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: That's initially what I presumed... but then I walked in on her key person yelling one of the phrases E uses in "the voice". She was clearly embarrassed and I just taken aback! There is a little boy in the class who is very spirited - he is always being told off when I arrive - and he clearly pushes the teachers to the end of their tether. I've thought very hard and i don't think any of it is damaging, just not my style. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/rie-when-youre-not-the-sole-care-giver#post-2411127 Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:30:47 +0000 Truth Bombs 2411127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: yes to the fact that babies are people but not adults. If my baby could articulate choices I'm sure he would decline a shot in the leg, but I'm getting him vaccinated anyway. </p>