https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 25 May 2026 06:49:54 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1314079 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 15:20:34 +0000 Andrea 1314079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely expect to have a child handed off to you as soon as you walk in the door on some days! If DH is home before the kids go to bed, he wants to spend time with them anyway. He doesn't see them all day and says that the time he gets to spend with them is just "easy and fun". So you could include the kids in your wind down time. After all, it's still a change of scenery for you and I'm sure you'll be glad to see the baby.</p> <p>And yes, I take care of all the laundry, food shopping, cooking and cleaning etc. I only ask that he sticks the dishes in the dishwasher at night, but he often works late so I end up doing it anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1314039 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 15:05:49 +0000 shopaholic 1314039@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Same as some pp. I definitely have days where I need to hand LO off to DH as soon as he gets home because I am so beat. We never discussed it beforehand, but I think DH did expect he would get down time to relax, unwind, etc. but in all honesty, he gets to relax and take breaks waaaay more often than I do as a SAHM. Like some pp, I have a poor napper, so it took a big toll on household chores when I couldn't even utilize that time. Finally at about 8 months I made the executive decision that I needed a maid. It's saved me from lashing out a lot a DH when he plops himself on the sofa to relax when I haven't even eaten or had 3 min to myself all day. </p> <p>All that to say, I think it's wise to have a discussion because it's not that easy to do it all just because someone was SAH.</p> <p>ETA: I do almost all of the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cooking, etc. DH will do dishes if there are any left at night. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313998 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:51:51 +0000 mrbee 1313998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: It's really great to see what the other person is doing!! Just make sure you set the points for each chore together... so that both people feel that the weekly points are fair! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313954 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:41:30 +0000 reverie 1313954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm similar to you in that I'm working full time while my husband is a full time SAHD. I find the balance VERY hard. Mostly, the housework takes a hit and I don't know what it means to relax. I take on a majority of childcare when I'm home (this doesn't bother me, I want to be with the baby as much as possible). What bothers me is how much house stuff is left after the baby is in bed. I think I would like to go back in time and have a big conversation about expectations-- this was never our plan though, my husband was laid off and after a year of applying for jobs there isn't much happening :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313942 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:37:42 +0000 Torchwood 1313942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Love that site! We definitely need to look into it, because DH pretty much assumes I sit around doing nothing 100% of the time while he works. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313901 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:27:22 +0000 Mae 1313901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm going to be in a similar situation to your DH. I work from home full time and 3 days/week our daughter will go to daycare whereas the other 2 days she will be home with me (and I will work as-needed). I do expect that on the days I'm home with her all day my husband will do more than 50% with her when he gets home. I expect I might be a bit stressed out those days trying to deal with both baby and work (though I'm grateful I have the ability to do this!) and I really might need a break. I think we'll stick with how things currently are with cleaning-- 50/50. I am home all day but I'm also working. Just because my office is our couch doesn't mean I'm a housewife or that I have nothing to do except vacuum and mop! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313884 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:23:47 +0000 looch 1313884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: yes, so true. In some moments, you're counting the minutes and in others you're shocked that it's already 8 pm and you didn't manage to get any housework done! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313867 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:19:13 +0000 MamaMoose 1313867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Totally agree. Hubs and I regularly each get some time away on the weekends (a golf outing, a spa trip, date night together, etc). I just meant that on a day to day basis it's tough to schedule in a break for anyone in the evening because there is just so much to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313812 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 13:56:12 +0000 looch 1313812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that with the fact that with a small child there is always something to be done, but I do also think that parents deserve some time off as well. It's not always easy to find the time, but both my husband and I are happiest when we each have time to do something for ourselves.</p> <p>I will fully admit that I didn't get what all the fuss was about with staying at home, before I had a child, I thought I could be eating bon bons and watching soaps! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313713 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 13:26:24 +0000 MamaMoose 1313713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I was on maternity leave I took care of all the household duties: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. When hubs got home from work I would give him a short period to adjust and change his clothes. Then he would take over playing with the baby (which he wanted to do after being away from her all day) and then I would cook dinner. Sometimes he would have to jump in and help with dinner if baby decided it was time to nurse (that obviously won't be an issue for you since the SAH parent won't be nursing :silly: ). I also handled every single night wake up while I was on maternity leave since I didn't need to get up and go to work in the morning. Now that I'm back at work full time we share the duties as equally as possible at home.</p> <p>I don't think you sound like a terrible person at all. I think it's completely reasonable to expect a SAH to manage the household, and I was happy to do it while I was home with my LO. I think a lot of times there is this idea that SAH parents "need a break" when the WAH parent gets home. But they don't "need a break" any more than the person who has been at work all day. And the fact of the matter is when there is a small child in the home there's not a lot of time for anyone to get a break... there is always something to be done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313646 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 13:09:56 +0000 Foodnerd81 1313646@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @Cherrybee: as well, especially in that things change as baby gets older.</p> <p>I'm a full time SAHM now. In the beginning, I could barely get anything done-- like, eat, shower, use the bathroom, so the idea of having a meal on the table or cleaning the house was laughable. Now that LO is napping better and happier to play independently, I can get more done, but I'm far from a domestic goddess, and I would really resent it if DH expected me to be. As I see it, and explained to him, my primary job right now is taking care of the baby, which includes playing with her and stimulating her, not just leaving her on the floor while I wash up. Don't get me wrong, I do leave her on the play mat while I do some chores, because it's good for her to have independent play and because things need to get done, but I'm not sticking her in a bouncer so I can scrub the bathroom from top to bottom, if that makes sense. </p> <p>I do think it's probably a little harder with a SAH dad-- maybe this is sexist, but I think women are more inclined to take on more of the child care duties and the household duties, even when they have a non-traditional division of labor, as with a SAH dad. So probably you will have to make sure to talk about things a little more than in a more 'traditional' set up. My brother stayed at home with his son when his wife's mat leave was up and I know he wasn't really doing any chores, just taking care of the baby, which caused a bit of friction for them while they adjusted.</p> <p>I think most important is keeping communication open as you work through it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313643 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 13:08:11 +0000 MrsLilybugg 1313643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was on leave for about 5 months, and our DD is a generally easy baby (no colick, fussiness, etc.) However, by the time DH came home from work, I was ready to hand her over and run for the hills!! It takes a lot out of you to entertain and care for LO during the day. At times it was either pee or eat and wake her up, or hold it/starve and let her finally effin’ nap! I now laugh at myself for ever thinking I had a hard day at the office. DH would “relieve me” of my duties for a good hour when he got home and then I’d be ready for her again. We’d mostly split the duties in the evening (like, he’ll give her a bottle or change a diaper here and there), but I didn’t just press my “off button” and expect him to take over fully. Nor did I want to ;) I think going in with the expectation that your DH will need you for a bit when you get home, and then maybe “split” duties for the evening is a good plan like others have also said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313611 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 12:57:29 +0000 Anagram 1313611@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: good advice and I totally agree! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313599 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 12:54:08 +0000 Greentea 1313599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rahlyrah: same for me.<br /> I am home with lo and all of my time and energy goes to her. DH helps when he is here and we do our usual chores we both have always done. I also breastfeed and she loves to eat slow and doesn't nap and is very active and easily bored. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313573 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 12:49:18 +0000 Cherrybee 1313573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm just coming to the end of a 7 months maternity leave....</p> <p>We definitely did have problems around expectations - but as far as discussing beforehand goes, we found that you never really do know how things will be once the baby is here because every baby is different, every parent acts and feels differently etc. </p> <p>I really, truly thought that I would adore every minute I spent with my LO and I thought I would struggle to give her up once DH got in wanting cuddles. Haha - I thought he would come in wanting baby cuddles!!! I also entertained ideas about being a domestic godess while she napped. However, LO was colicky, fussy and wouldn't nap if her life depended on it. By the time DH got in, I was DESPERATE to hand her over. DH, on the other hand, had spent all day at work and didn't want to be put upon, as he saw it, as soon as he came in. He honestly thought that he should be entitled to relax (he likes to lie down on the bed for a bit when he gets in) for an hour or so to unwind after work. It was the cause of lots of tears (me) and sulks (DH). </p> <p>As for domestic goddess duties, DH thoroughly expected that I would do all the housework while I was home but he saw with his own two eyes how demanding DD was so we fell into a good routine of sharing the domestic duties. Basically, someone's got to do it and the person who wasn't holding the baby had no choice but to step up! We would fight over who got to wash up most days, because DD was such a diva!</p> <p>So I would say that whilst talking about expectations is always a good idea you will definitely need to be open to revisiting the conversation after the first couple of weeks and then revisiting again and again because things continually change (my girl's a joy now and I do a lot more of the housework these days). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1313516 Thu, 02 Jan 2014 12:31:39 +0000 mdf106 1313516@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH SAH. When I first get home, I take some time to organize my pumped milk and change. Then I usually take LO for the rest of the evening. Sometimes if I am especially tired DH takes him some more. Usually I missed LO and want to spend time with him. DH does some of the chores during the day, including washing my pump parts daily. We do take out a lot. We have occasional maid service. Some things just don't get done. I do some stuff on weekends. I feel like I do a disproportionate share of the work, but probably less so than before LO. I was worried about the appropriate chore balance, but it has gone better than I expected. Lo is 4.5 months now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311877 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 17:15:59 +0000 Lindsay05 1311877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I stay at home about 80% of the time. I try to keep the house clean and doing most of what needed to get done. There are days where things just don't get done and I fall behind but DH completely understood (he has days alone with LO as well). We kind of worked it out that DH takes over looking after LO once he got home for work so I got a break. I had to ask a few times for DH to help with picking up toys because that is a never ending job. We just work things out as we go and try to communicate our expectations as we go along. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311865 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 17:08:21 +0000 Cole 1311865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't been there so I can't contribute much but one thing that might be good is to chat about the first fifteen minutes when you get home. I have been a nanny for a long time and most of the parents are thrilled to see their kids when they come home but every one of them has appreciated 15 minutes to themselves after the initial hello so they can change clothes, go to the bathroom and just switch mindsets. The flip side is I am guilty of overwhelming my husband the second he comes in the door some nights and he is much happier when I give him a few moments to change gears. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311812 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 16:07:04 +0000 Anagram 1311812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: when I was on mat leave for 4 1/2 months, I was so exhausted taking care of LO that I absolutely handed her off to him when he got home from work. Then he would do bath and bedtime (I pump) and I would make dinner while he was doing that. We would both clean up dinner after.</p> <p>So I think it's reasonable for him to need a break from LO at the end if the day... But honestly, once your baby arrives there are very few real breaks. Like my break meant I was cooking dinner. Even after LO is in bed, we're doing laundry, packing day care bags, washing bottles, etc.</p> <p>I guess what I'm saying is that neither one of you will have a while lot of leisure time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311787 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:44:21 +0000 Ra 1311787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a SAHM but we still split the household chores pretty evenly. LO is a lot of work. It is exhausting finding ways to keep him entertained. It also doesn't help that he only naps on me so I don't even have nap time to get things done. Luckily, DH doesn't mind helping out! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311780 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:37:53 +0000 sarac 1311780@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would have a lot of conversations about what you both expect, and to keep having them. My husband and I did this before our baby was born, and then we've had to adjust our expectations a lot. But making both of your expectations known is really important. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311766 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:27:21 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 1311766@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsH: to my husbands credit, his lack of chore doing is due to oblivion, MOST of the time he is it blatantly forcing me to do it all alone. Before we had our LO, he never helped, even though we both worked full time! But now that he sees how demanding a baby can be plus keeping up with the house, he's coming around. It's a process I guess. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311752 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:06:50 +0000 MrsH 1311752@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: we have a cleaning lady that comes every other week :) he won't need to clean toilets or anything like that. Currently I cook and do the laundry and he does the dishes and yard work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311751 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:04:49 +0000 Freckles 1311751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would you entertain the idea of a house cleaner to help? </p> <p>When I was at home, I did the house cleaning, laundry, cooking and it was really tiring. DH ended up doing groceries and some meals and whoever wasn't doing bedtime duries would have to clean the kitchen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311746 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 15:00:58 +0000 mrbee 1311746@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe try <a href="http://chorewars.com" rel="nofollow">http://chorewars.com</a> ? We tried it and it turned out to be a good way to see how much each person was doing around the house!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311732 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:51:58 +0000 MrsMccarthy 1311732@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In our case a lot is expected of me as the stay at home parent. I take care of all household chores and child care except for yeah, recycling, cat care and a story during work week. On weekends I expect my husband to clean up after himself more and he does help a bit more. I would suggest you guys divide up the jobs for the times you are home so that it is clear who is expected to do what. And I do think the days you both work or habe off it should be 50/50 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311728 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:48:18 +0000 mrbee 1311728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I'm home and the kids are not sleeping, we're both either watching the kids, cooking or cleaning the house! It doesn't have to do with Bee needing a break... it's just that there is endless work to be done and we both have to go all out to stay on top of it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311723 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:45:20 +0000 MrsH 1311723@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sunshine: I guess that is part of my worry. I know that in general women seem to have so much more of the caregiver role and I can't imagine having the majority of that role and being the one who works outside the home full time. Hopefully this post doesn't make me sound horrible :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311710 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:36:18 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 1311710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've always been the one that did literally everything when we both worked so now that I SAH, it's pretty much the same. He will entertain/pacify DD if she fusses or she's bored while I'm trying to do a quick chore or make dinner, but sometimes I have to ask him to do even that....it's a huge issue in our house. He ha started to try a little harder at noticing the instances when I may need him to pitch in, but all in all he's generally oblivious. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sah-parent-expectations#post-1311678 Wed, 01 Jan 2014 14:17:01 +0000 pinkcupcake 1311678@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a SAHM. We never had a discussion about our roles/expectations, but kind of naturally fell into a pattern where I take care of most of the household stuff such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It just makes more sense since I'm the one that's home. </p> <p>When he gets home, his main "duty" is mainly playing with LO so that I can get dinner ready and also get a little break. It works out for both of us - he misses her so much during the day so he's just happy to spend some time with her, and I'm pretty worn out from entertaining her all day. We split duties for the rest of the evening - I will usually clean up the kitchen and living room while he does bath and bedtime. </p>