https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 13 May 2026 10:28:01 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731233 Tue, 02 May 2017 09:10:53 +0000 reverie 2731233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: I don't disagree with you -- I think he is very conflicted. He was very passionate about his career and has ambitions he wants to eventually persue but he got laid off when I was pregnant and didn't find another job before we had our son. He also knows he can't get this time back with the kids so it's hard putting half your life on hold for 7 or so years. I get it. I wish we could all work like 10am-3pm and be home with the kids the rest of the time for some balance. Unfortunately, being out of the "game" for this long his starting salary would not cover two day cares in my area, but maybe after next year when my older child is in kindergarten we can look into it more! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731173 Tue, 02 May 2017 00:11:10 +0000 Corduroy 2731173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: Glad to see your update. I didn't see your thread originally. I WOH and DH works FT (half at home and half at the office) so I don't have any SAH insight. My is also DH is a gamer with anxiety and undiagnosed GI issues. Hopefully we don't share a husband. </p> <p>DH would stay up all night gaming, sleep in and then bitch and moan about being tired. I knew this when I married him but I expected different after a kid and then another. </p> <p>Things have improved for us in the last year or so. The only change I made was instituting a weekend sleep-in wake up time of 8:30 (2.5 hours after our weekday wake up and 3 hours after the kids got up). It is DH's responsibility to back track from there and go to bed on time. However, I think the real reason his bedtime improved was that his gaming buddy moved to the east coast so their late nights start and end earlier. </p> <p>I hope things continue to improve for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731158 Mon, 01 May 2017 21:46:30 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2731158@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Reading this having been a sahm and a ft wohm and now a part time wohm.. it sounds like what he really needs is kid free time and maybe a job! He sounds unmotivated, and I don't really blame him. It's hard to be motivated to do all the at home stuff when it's 24/7 and there's no balance. There are some people who love being stay at home parents but then I think there are a lot like myself and maybe your dh who do it out of need whether it's money or scheduling or what. I could be totally off base but that's what immediately pops into my head reading this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731135 Mon, 01 May 2017 19:58:54 +0000 skipra 2731135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like our roles are reversed from yours. I SAH and like to sleep in. I'm jus not a morning person at all. Like literally my fingers don't even function to button something until I've had my coffee. DH is a rockstar, he gets up at 6 or 6:30 when either the baby or our middle LO get up for the day and showers then gets them downstairs for breakfast. He gets my coffee and wakes me up around 7:30 although often I don't even get out of bed until he leaves at 8. After reading this I do realize it's not fair to expect him to do the entire breakfast and morning bit all the time. It just worked out that way because the baby doesn't usually sleep well. Some nights are better and on those mornings I should get up to give DH a break.<br /> I'm glad the cleaner is helping you. We definitely can't afford one with me not working and I feel like having us at home makes the house so much messier than if we were at work and daycare most of the day! So I totally understand the need to have one and wish we could too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731123 Mon, 01 May 2017 19:22:31 +0000 reverie 2731123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Littlebit7: That's so much traveling for your husband and you! I feel pretty silly when the cleaning people come and we're literally all home but it is what it is and it definitely helps. If I can ever get on top of my finances I'd like to go to every other week! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731112 Mon, 01 May 2017 18:48:35 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2731112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm curious whether you had a conversation with your DH about his sleep schedule? Has he made any changes? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731111 Mon, 01 May 2017 18:45:55 +0000 Littlebit7 2731111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: good for you! I swear, our housekeeper has had a profound effect on our relationship and our marriage as a whole (in a good way of course). I SAH mostly, i work anywhere from 6-10 hours per week. My DH travels about 85-90% of the year so he isn't home M-F. I pretty much do all of the house hold stuff (to include fixing things around the house) and he manages finances. The cleaning was a major strain; I resented that I was doing 100% of it, and a lot of it on weekends when he was home. And he's sort of mild slob.<br /> We also split weekends sleep-wise; we each get to sleep in one morning. Glad it's working out for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2731090 Mon, 01 May 2017 17:36:45 +0000 reverie 2731090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>well to update my thread -- I have sucked it up and hired a house cleaner to come once a month to do the deep cleaning. I didn't really want to budget for it but it really has made a difference in our routine. I'm able to do 30 minutes of tidying at night or on breaks so the house doesn't get out of control. The sleep thing is still sometimes an issue but I just try and give him notice when I'm struggling so he won't be surprised when I need more sleep than I'm getting. </p> <p>So all in all outsourcing house cleaning + coffee seem to work well enough for now ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2686051 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 20:18:40 +0000 MrsSRS 2686051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I was a SAHM I was responsible for everything except taking out the trash. Including reminding my husband to take out the trash. All bill paying, budgeting, meal planning, shopping, housework, childcare, yardwork, appointments, nightwakings, most bedtimes. Everything. Having said that, this was largely due to my husband's undiagnosed and unmanaged depression. We had similar disagreements and issues to yours. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2686019 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 19:00:11 +0000 Maysprout 2686019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only thing I see from his part that might stink is no kid free time during the week. I think the constant buzz of kids can drive people a little nutso and might lead to staying awake too late </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2686011 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 18:36:55 +0000 woodentulip 2686011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am a SAHM who hates it. But it is what it is. </p> <p>I am responsible for all of the food, shopping and preparation. I am responsible for all kids activities registrations and transport.<br /> I am responsible for all the laundry.<br /> I buy all our clothes.<br /> I am responsible for our social calendar, any travel we do as a family (or couple).<br /> I am responsible for all holidays and related celebrations (including birthday parties for our kids, everything related to Christmas including buying my own gifts...sigh...and I haven't had a birthday cake in I don't know how long because I don't want to get it any nobody gets me one! SAD SACK OVER HERE).<br /> I am responsible for paying bills. </p> <p>My husband will physically do things I identify for him, and is the most obliging human you will ever meet, but doesn't recognize what needs to be done in the house or for the family...ever. </p> <p>Actually he takes out the garbage if he isn't away for work. </p> <p>Meanwhile, his work schedule varies but is most usually around 55 hours/week plus work at home when not in the office. And I do a lot of self-serving things because I hate SAH so much...so I have started weekly ski lessons, go to the gym almost every day, take yoga and a French class, all while my kids are at school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2685998 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 18:03:26 +0000 lioneyes 2685998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i SAH and also work p/t from home.</p> <p>DH gets ups before DS and gets ready for the day, then gets him up and gives him breakfast and they hang out. I get up when DS does and get ready (some days when DH has to go in early, I get DS).</p> <p>I am solo with DS from 8am-bedtime at 6pm. He goes to playschool T/TH morning, and I do a lot of work during this time, as well as at naps.</p> <p>I wash and fold our clothes, clean the house, cook dinner 5 nights a week, make DH's lunch 4x a week, grocery/drugstore/clothes shop, drop off drycleaning/pick up prescriptions, handle all the bills, manage our rental property, make all appointments, handle any repairs that need to be done at home, take DS to the doctor (sometimes I ask DH to join if he can), take DS to music class/playgroup/1 museum day a week.</p> <p>On weekends, I get up with DS one day, DH gets up with him one day and we let the other sleep until 9. The person who got up with DS usually gets an hour or 2 to themselves in the afternoon of that day to nap/read/watch tv while the other one takes him for a walk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job/page/2#post-2685974 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 17:01:50 +0000 youboots 2685974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I mostly SAH. DH travels overnight a fair amount.</p> <p>I do all of the:<br /> Laundry (including cloth diapering) and dry cleaning<br /> Grocery shopping (sometimes we go together to Costco)<br /> Cooking (Includes hello fresh)<br /> I'm in charge of our social calendar and travel planning<br /> I make and take T to any appointments- Dr, dentist, haircuts<br /> All care for the dogs, vets, kenneling, grooming</p> <p>We have a 1x a month housecleaner and gardeners who come when needed- about every 2-3 months</p> <p>DH is in charge of<br /> His own appointments (hair, dr, dentist, etc)<br /> All of the yard work<br /> He helps out when I ask or sometimes just does things like cleaning the kitchen and stuffing diapers </p> <p>Our house rarely looks perfect. We communicate well about what's going on certain weeks- when he or I need extra help/support. It works for us.</p> <p>ETA he works from home sometimes and is really awesome at picking up and pitching in wherever when he is around/available. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685959 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 16:22:14 +0000 Boogs 2685959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I SAH and DH works about 10-12 days a month. Whether he's at home or work, I do 80-90% of meals, shopping, and chores. When he's home, we probably handle the kids 50/50. It's super rare either of us naps during the day, that happens maybe a couple of times during the year and that's due to illness usually. I'm a huge night owl, but no matter what I'm up every single school day getting breakfast and lunch made and kids ready. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685919 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 15:33:44 +0000 caterw 2685919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a SAHM with 2 kids (3 year old and 2 month old). My job is all childcare when DH is at work, plus I do a majority (80%) of the housework and 99% of meals (usually from scratch), financial management, making doctors appointments, etc. I do all errands solo except for the grocery store since we live in a 3rd floor apartment and I can't carry all that stuff upstairs with 2 kids so we do that together as a family once a week (or DH hangs at home with sleeping kiddos while I go late at night). </p> <p>DH works a variable schedule with many late nights as a restaurant manager. On his days off, he gets up with DD1 and I feed the baby. He makes breakfast while I change diapers or clean up the house a little. We tag team getting ourselves and kids ready and then go do something fun or sometimes DD will watch a movie while we do a house project. It's pretty evenly split when he's home.</p> <p>I'm pretty sure my husband would be pissed off at me if I expected him to be the only one working AND do most of the chores AND get up early with both kids AND did drop offs/ pickups while I stayed up late and slept in all day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685901 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 14:58:46 +0000 Greentea 2685901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We both work hard and are both overwhelmed, but thrive on helping one another. I do baby wakeups, he gets up early with toddler, for example. I try to make sure he can thrive at work, and when he's home he helps me with the kids. So, my answer is pretty abstract, but what works for us is a spirit of helping one another to survive, ideally to thrive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685885 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 14:35:50 +0000 looch 2685885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: I think the only way to fix it is with logic, not emotion. I echo what @Anagram wrote out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685878 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 14:24:30 +0000 ShootingStar 2685878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your DH has crazy expectations. To stay up until 1:30 or 2am and then expect you to do all the morning stuff is just really inconsiderate. There are mornings my DH does that for me - he takes both kids while I sleep. You know why? Because I spent half the night up with our 5 month old and let him sleep. It's reciprocal, we're a team. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685864 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 14:06:18 +0000 reverie 2685864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: he does not and I agree he does stay house bound a lot. We make an effort to go out a bit on weekends / he is able to run errands and stuff with the kids but nothing dedicated to being "awake and present" vs. getting something done. When our daughter is 15 months we'll probably enroll her in a baby music class like we did for our son and maybe that will be "his" thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685856 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:57:25 +0000 ElbieKay 2685856@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: My husband and I both work full time at office jobs with the occasional work-from-home day, so I can't directly answer your question. However I will say that in my experience spouses who do not have full time jobs do not always appreciate how exhausting a full time job can be. It's hard to relate to things like needing to unwind before bedtime, even if you work late; or how participating in a conference call can feel draining or stressful even though you're just, well, on the phone.</p> <p>Also, if he is stressed out or wants a break, maybe you can hire a part time sitter, even it's just for one evening per week post bedtime. It doesn't sound like he gets out of the house too much on this schedule. Does he take the kids to any classes or anything during the day? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685844 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:44:44 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2685844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read the comments so I apologize for redundancies...but my perspective is, actions speak louder than words, so I would wake up tomorrow with the intention to enforce your boundaries, and basically live as though you have the balance you want. This might mean saying, hey, I need to sleep some more....I hope you're ok with doing morning/nighttime/whatever tonight? Thanks! And just leave it at that. Convoluted conversations or overwrought explanations just make you look angry. If you approach it from a "I need this" rather than "you suck at this," you'll get much further. Expect fireworks! </p> <p>I had the same issue, but opposite. I was an overwhelmed SAHM. I started working part time and that put up boundaries. I started back to school and that created even more boundaries. Then we had LO2 and the SHTF and that created a whole bunch of new boundaries. Then I went back to grad school full-time and we finally got parenting split 50/50! Now I'm graduated, looking for a full time job and working part-time and the split is still about 50/50, because my husband realized that happy wife= happy life. He also profusely apologizes for being such a ridiculous PITA, even as far as apologizing for the times before we had kids and he was a graduate student and I was breadwinner and was still doing more. It has been a long process, but the main success I've had is in just doing what I want, and not arguing about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685838 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:31:25 +0000 Truth Bombs 2685838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: I'm sorry but your husband's expectation that he can choose to stay up that late and then "lose his mind" because he doesn't get to NAP in the middle of the morning while you are WORKING is honestly laughable. I'm not sure what he thought parenting two kids would look like, but daily mid morning naps aren't part of the gig as far as I'm concerned. If I were you I would have really really hard time being sympathetic to his complaints. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685836 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:24:45 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2685836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm at home three days a week and woh two days. My DH leaves for work at 5:30 and doesn't get home until 5:30pm at the earliest. At least half the week he is out of the house until after DD is in bed, which is hard on him. </p> <p>My responsibilities are taking care of DD, all the grocery shopping and meal planning, running any errands that require business hours, and scheduling and taking DD to appointments. Chores are secondary. If I get something clean each day, great. If not, that's ok too. I don't believe that keeping the house clean is 100% my responsibility since I am home more. I would never have a break if I did it all. On Sundays DH and I do laundry together. On the evenings he is home he bathes her and then picks up her toys while I finish up the bedtime routine. When he's home we divide and conquer straightening up, cleaning the kitchen, and feeding the animals so that we can sit down together and relax. </p> <p>On the weekends it is very 50/50 and we give each other breaks. Lately he's been giving me a lot more breaks because I'm pregnant, which I greatly appreciate. </p> <p>I would absolutely love to wake up to a clean, dressed, and fed DD each morning! That sounds amazing. Reading what the days are like it does seem off balance in your husband'a favor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685830 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:19:17 +0000 gotkimchi 2685830@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: we have a very similar situation and it drives me crazy. I'm trying to respect his needs while pushing to also have my needs met. It's a balancing act and we both have to give and take. I try not to be resentful though because it doesn't get me anywhere and I've been trying to frame stuff more in what he can do to help/what I need v what I want him NOT to do (sleep) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685824 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:07:53 +0000 pwnstar 2685824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: Nope Nope Nope. Frankly, he is acting like a spoiled/entitled brat. </p> <p> "I think most stay at home parents would love to sleep until 810am and then be handed two kids with clean butts and full bellies." Yes. Yes they would. That is unbelievable that you do that! As for his *high sleep needs* . . . Every parent on the friggin planet is tired and few ever get the sleep they truly need. His sleep deficit is, largely, self-imposed. He seriously needs to step it up.</p> <p>Eta: And pre-kid tendencies . . . your oldest is 3.5? Yeah, he's had plenty of time to adjust. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685821 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 13:01:51 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2685821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: Not a great memory, but being a poor house manager was the main reason my WOHM divorced my SAHD. She has always said she didn't mind him not working (we were school age/ no daytime childcare duties), but she wanted more of a partner in what he could have contributed to running the house/ managing the family/ supporting her.</p> <p>I WAH one day a week and if I had to do more than just morning routine with my son before work began I would be a mess. Kudos to you for staying focused. I hope you are able to strike the right balance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685810 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 12:55:15 +0000 reverie 2685810@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@threeplusme: his pre-kid tendency is to be a night owl so I think the main issue is he is up late and then doesn't want to get up in the morning. I think he has several issues anxiety / GI wise that he should talk to a doctor about and I"m getting less sympathetic as we go into year 10 of our relationship and him not doing that ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685807 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 12:52:34 +0000 reverie 2685807@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: oh I really don't care about the quality of the kids dinners, I'm just trying to say, he's not spending an hour on meal prep a night. Half the time the 3.5 year old takes two bites and is done... whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685804 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 12:48:53 +0000 KayKay 2685804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: this is such a tough topic because i really think that what is "fair" (not necessarily equal!) depends on the specifics of each situation. </p> <p>i will say that, as a general rule, i consider the primary work of a SAHP to be tending to the needs of the child(ren) during the hours that the other parent is commuting/working. if/when there is time to do other home-keeping type of tasks, then great, but i wouldn't expect that to be done at the expense of child-caring. likewise, i wouldn't expect a SAHP to never have any downtime during their "working" hours -- just like an employee gets bits of downtime throughout their workday too.</p> <p>but it sounds like you aren't happy with some of the split, so you should definitely talk to your DH. and i love what @anagram suggested so that you can both see all of the specifics! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sahm-what-do-you-consider-your-job#post-2685802 Tue, 24 Jan 2017 12:47:07 +0000 Anagram 2685802@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: I would write it down first, give it to him, and genuinely ask for input into other tasks he might be doing that you aren't "seeing". THEN have the discussion.</p> <p>Before I wrote the schedule, my husband's common refrain was, 'But YOU get off work at 3pm! And I don't get home until 7pm!' as the reason I was 100% responsible for dinner, packing LOs lunches and snacks for daycare, doing all grocery shopping, making all doctor appointments, etc. Then I pointed out that our ACTUAL schedule was:</p> <p>Me: 6:45 am leave for work with LO, 7:30 am, drop LO at daycare and fill out entry forms and get back into car. 7:50 am arrive at work. Work 7:50-3:00 pm (with 1x a week work till 4 pm because of faculty meeting). Pick up LO at 3:15. Run errands WITH LO on way home from work. Get home at 4:30ish pm. Solo parent and cook dinner and pack lunches from 4:30-7:00 pm.</p> <p>DH: 8:00 am, leave for work. 7pm, arrive home. Expect to 'relax a while" since the wife "gets off work at 3". See how that narrative worked in his head? In his mind, he worked 4 hours longer than me. In my head, I worked 1.25 hours longer than HIM once you factor in solo child care.</p> <p>I know some people don't want to bean count in a marriage, and I don't want to either. But nothing chapped my hide more than to hear my husband say that he needed to relax, because that implied to me that I didn't. When I felt I was actually working longer.</p> <p>Anyway, our fix was after kid 2, we ditched daycare and now have a nanny so now I still have the long commute and the solo hours in the early evening, but at least now I can run errands and commute alone and that's worth a lot to me! </p>