https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 13:50:10 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-704728 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:51:32 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 704728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My best friend has had two miscarriages and a child who died at birth. We were pregnant at the same time which helped to strengthen our relationship because although she knew her child was unlikely to make it, having a pregnant friend to work through things with was good for her. Now that I have the baby, sadly our relationship is going through a fallow period. I am almost ashamed of myself every time we talk. I am tired, my kid is crying. I am thankful for the mess of new-mom life, but it makes me a terrible conversationalist. I try to schedule our conversations when he is napping so that he isn't a distraction (this is easier now that he is older and naps better), but also feel bad asking to schedule a conversation with someone who is grieving. All around I just feel terrible. But I think of her every day and just pray that things turn around for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-704703 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:44:51 +0000 littleredhairedgrl 704703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am pretty open with the friends and family that I am close with and I have had some trouble recently with learning that I've told a few people I shouldn't have about my issues with ttc.. My husband and I are the first out of our friends to get married and event think about children and I have pcos and do not ovulate on my own. In talking to my best friend (who works with autistic children) about what is going on, she began saying things like "well you never know what to expect, who knows, you could end up having a child with special needs.." and then shared a poem with me about a mother coping with her feelings regarding her special needs child.. I was speechless and could not understand why she would be telling me this.. I am struggling enough with depression surrounding pcos and the issues it brings along with it and can not understand why she would bring up something like the possibility of finally conceiving and having a child with a disability.. There are definitely some people who are good to confide in and others who just don't know what to say / end up saying the wrong thing.</p> <p>My cousin and I are going through the same thing and our cycles / dr. appts have actually ended up on the same weeks, so it's nice to have her there (tho I am saddened by the troubles we are both experiencing).</p> <p>When we do finally conceive, I hope that I can offer any friends / family solace and a comforting place to go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-672246 Thu, 28 Mar 2013 06:35:35 +0000 tequiero21 672246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I see both sides. For me personally, I didn't want to talk about it unless I brought it up. I knew my friends didn't want to bug me. I still tried to be involved in my friends' kids lives. I hated it when my in laws would bring it up. It was annoying to find out my parents got everyone in their small group to pray for me. Seemed like everyone at the church came up to me to congratulate me on finally getting pregnant. But it was a good friend of mine who accidentally got knocked up that encouraged me to seek help.... Maybe something was seriously wrong....</p> <p>Anyway *hugs* I know how u feel and it's not selfish. That's what friendships and relationships at about... Give and take...everyone is different in what they need and most times people don't know how to act or react and they don't know how u feel so u will have to give them a heads up. If afterwards, they don't ask, then u may need a better support system. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-668847 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 15:08:36 +0000 chibee 668847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel lucky to have a friend with me that is going through the TTC process. We are actually able to talk about it, we have similar issues, and we can complain to each other about our other pregnant friends or friends with babies. She's the only one that can understand how heartbreaking it can be to come upon yet another pregnancy announcement, going to baby showers, etc. I hope that when one of us finally gets pregnant, this does not happen and we will continue to support each other no matter what. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-668764 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 14:48:22 +0000 GrapeCrush 668764@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I talk to one friend regarding hers, ask when her appointments are and what they are trying next because she is very open about it. Another friend I don't because she doesn't talk about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-668695 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 14:29:31 +0000 BSB 668695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Happygal: Yes!! I agree with what you wrote!</p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-667501 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:23:23 +0000 Modern Daisy 667501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know anyone struggling with infertility IRL, but I will say that I don't ask my single friends how their dating lives are going unless they bring it up, which I think is somewhat comparable. It's not that I don't care, of course I care deeply and only want them to be happy, but I'm being sensitive to their feelings and current situation. </p> <p>I know that getting in a good relationship is #1 on their minds 100% of the time, but it's also stressful to be asked about it if it isn't going well, which I know from personal experience. I view infertilitly the same way unless someone makes it known that they want to talk about it regularly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-667493 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:21:26 +0000 2PeasinaPod 667493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do! I hate how miscarriage and infertility are so taboo. Initially, I didn't want to talk about my miscarriage after 8 long months of trying, but I found that it was really helpful when those who knew asked about me. I have a friend now who was going through IVF after over a year of TTC, and I asked her just how she was doing every now and then. I feel as if it goes a long way...it did with me.</p> <p>I don't think you're being selfish at all, but I do know that unless you've been through it, it's hard for others to understand what you're going through. My SIL had no idea how to talk to me about my miscarriages until she had one herself with their third. I tried to be there for her as much as possible at that point, b/c I knew how alone I felt when I had both of mine. </p> <p>@bluestriped bee: I hope that your long journey ends soon and will a healthy, beautiful baby in your future :o) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-667450 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:11:42 +0000 Happygal 667450@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this, @Bluestriped Bee, as it's how I've been feeling lately. I haven't been trying as long as you, but I feel this very exact way and it's been on my mind a lot. </p> <p>Two friends started TTC, or thinking about it, around the same time as us. It was something we would talk about. One friend even asked, "Can we support each other through this?" I now feel left behind. Neither ask how things are going. One complains about every pregnancy symptom and is always talking about pregnancy, baby stuff, etc. I get it--first time pregnancy is all consuming, but I would so appreciate it being balanced by being asked, "How are things going for you? Do you want to talk about it?" Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I would love to at least be asked every now and then. </p> <p>Everyone is obviously different. How/if you check in on a friend should be determined by how she has talked about it in the past, how close you are, whether she's a private person.... with all that in mind, my advice is not to wait for your friend to give you permission to ask about it. Start by asking her if she wants to talk about it or even be asked about it in the future. Let her know you're thinking about her. If you're currently pregnant, do share your experiences, but balance it by asking what is going on with your friend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-665950 Mon, 25 Mar 2013 13:39:32 +0000 BSB 665950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sweetooth: Aww, thanks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-664405 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 20:44:09 +0000 sweetooth 664405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's selfish at all. It can be so hard to go through all of this and only feel like you can relate to those going through it as well. It took me a while to reach out to my friends that got pregnant without any medical assistance. I felt like they just wouldn't understand, and I had heard a few "typical" things from them that I just could handle to hear again (it will happen when the time's right, just relax, etc.).</p> <p>The simple 'I'm thinking of you' has been just what I needed to hear from the friends I have opened up to. And even my sister. It took a while for me to talk with her - but recently, when she managed to check in with me right when it mattered most, I felt like she cared. I do think that people who don't struggle to conceive have a hard time knowing what to say. But if you feel like you're at a place where you can open up to them, they can provide support. It has helped me feel less like I have slipped through the cracks since I'm not in the mommy club yet. Being in the "in between" or "TTC for over a year club" is a hard place to be. Talking about it has taken me some practice and courage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc/page/2#post-664310 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 19:43:12 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 664310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Since I went through it myself, I definitely do! I try to ask how it's going whenever I'm around them. I liked when people acknowledged my issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-664259 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:52:04 +0000 wheres_c 664259@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I felt so much guilt during my pregnancy, as my step-MIL, SIL and 2 good friends have been dealing with infertility, including several MC's.</p> <p>My pregnancy was unplanned, and I didn't want to cause hurt or more upset. I avoided talking about my pregnancy around them, and I don't bring up their trying. I do ask them how they are doing (in general) and let them know I'm thinking of them....so that they could open up if they wanted to.</p> <p>My step-MIL is visiting from Peru in 2 weeks. This will be the first time seeing the baby. She's my age, and has been trying for three years to maintain a pregnancy. I think that after our LO was born that FIL who is 64, decided to stop trying. I really don't know what to say or how to act.</p> <p>I always thought I would have to deal with infertility. I have PCOS, hypothyroid, as well as no ovulation/irregular cycles. I got extremely lucky and count my blessings every day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-664147 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 17:16:04 +0000 meganmp 664147@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I knew about people having trouble, I would chat with them about it, especially because I was going through similar things. I would just bring up my own issues first in case they didn't want to talk about theirs... right now I don't know anyone dealing with IF, but when I do I have a feeling that if they WANT to talk about it, I might be someone they go to, being that I had to do IVF. I do feel bad bringing it up, though- I know that there were many times where people would try and talk to me about it and I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted things to go on as normal. To each their own, I'm sure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-664131 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 17:03:15 +0000 kentuckygirl 664131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I find this whole IF thing so lonely too. I can't seem to bring it up on phone calls and my closest girl friends all live a couple hours away, so we don't talk about it much. Plus in that group of friends, one had two failed IVF's before having to have a hysterectomy, a failed international adoption, and has since divorced. So I don't feel like I can discuss my fears of never having a biological baby...she is living that life plus the end of her marriage. :(</p> <p>My twin sister knows most of the details but I don't feel like I can/should talk about it as much as I would like, even with her. My mom knows we are struggling to conceive but not details, we have never had that type of relationship. DH listens and has gotten better about asking questions but sometimes I just want to talk about it with "my girls" and they rarely ask either. They are close enough friends that I wouldn't mind them asking. I feel like when I am with them, I sit there and listen to them talk about their kids (whom I love) but I just have so little to contribute to the conversation and it is lonely. All this is why I also love HB!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-664048 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 15:38:35 +0000 Boheme 664048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a friend I think about constantly who is the only one I know who's currently struggling with IF. I guess its because we are so close to them and we anticipated having a ton of trouble TTC...but they are always on my mind. I let her take the lead on conversations about it so that she's comfortable, but I definitely ask how they're doing without coming out and asking if she's pregnant yet. I also don't talk about my own pregnancy a lot unless she brings it up first. I want a baby for them more than anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-664033 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 15:31:35 +0000 Mrs. Oatmeal 664033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: That would have been fine, absolutely. Actually, it would have been nice. In my situation, the only people asking were those who basically came out and demanded to know if I was pregnant yet. Or who would "reassure" me with phrases that were cliche and unhelpful. </p> <p>It got to the point where I got almost bitter/distant from friends with children - especially those who had gotten pregnant AND given birth in the time we'd been trying. But that was my own hang up to deal with, I suppose. It wasn't their fault. </p> <p>I think people just don't know what to say/how to say it. I'm sure your friends are thinking of you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663567 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 09:30:17 +0000 blackbird 663567@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee, no not at all. Friends would just say, "just wanted to see how you're doing!" and "thinking of you!" and "hope you're doing well!" that kind of stuff. It wasn't invasive like..."hey girl, i know you can't get/stay pregnant easily, yadda yadda".....it was sort of an unspoken "i'm checking in on you b/c i know you're having a tough time and just want to send some love your way". Or if we were having drinks, "how are you doing with everything?" and I could broach the topic if I wanted to or not. I always did and they were nothing but supportive and kind. </p> <p>For me, if you know I'm having issues...then we're close enough for them to check in with me. If I didn't want you to know, I wouldn't tell you, plain and simple. </p> <p>I definitely agree that it can be inferred......then the person struggling can open up if they choose to or not, but it's always nice to know someone is sending good thoughts your way. It's like when a friend loses a family member. I always send a message around the holiday to the same effect, just to let them know I"m thinking of them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663543 Sun, 24 Mar 2013 09:07:00 +0000 swedishfish 663543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I would've appreciated a simple "thinking of you". Most people were great and listened when I needed to talk but it was a very lonely experience. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663352 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 22:41:42 +0000 Mrs.Someone 663352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Only 2 local friends know what we're going through, one isn't TTC yet and the other is also struggling. I don't plan to tell any of my other local friends because I don't want to talk about it with too many. Also my best friend knows, though she lives far away and doesn't understand because she doesn't particularly like kids, so I've mostly stopped talking to her about it. She does ask how I'm doing occasionally though.</p> <p>So in other words, yay for HB :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663345 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 22:30:36 +0000 mrs. 64 663345@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have 2 friends struggling with infertility. One of them is a good friend and is very open about her struggle. We talk almost every day about how things are going and how she is feeling. My other friend isn't as close. A few months ago she opened up about her infertility. I think about them and pray for them often. I'd like to let her know that I'm still thinking about them, but she has never brought it up again and I haven't wanted to. It's such a hard situation to navigate as a friend. Just because your friends aren't verbalizing it doesn't mean they aren't thinking about you. If you want to talk about it more often, I would tell them that it's something you would like their support with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663342 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 22:20:50 +0000 BSB 663342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do agree that it can be hard getting reminded of it from fertile friends and it is a difficult and private situation, but I think a simple 'I'm thinking of you' can go a long way and make it seem like I'm not forgotten. Asking if they are pregnant every month might be a tad much because we have to say 'No, not pregnant, yet.' Saying that simple phase doesn't pry into the complexities of fertility treatments, doesn't include judgement like telling us to relax or to try this or to try that. </p> <p>I do admit around the 6 month mark of TTC, I was frustrated and wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk about it because everything that was said had undertones of I wasn't doing it right. Or that I was just being impatient. Now that I am at over a year of TTC, I feel forgotten. I'm still here. Still trying. Still seeing friends get pregnant and seeing their kids grow up. Seeing them get pregnant with their second. Still reminded every month that I'm infertile because of that BFN or taking a digital test and see that horrendous 'NOT PREGNANT'. (Yeah, that one hurt a lot.) Still talking to pregnant friends like nothing is wrong and that I'm not hurt that I'm not pregnant. </p> <p>@marionberry: @lilteacherbee: @swedishfish: @blackbird: @redsmarties: @dagret: @travelgirl1: @Mrs. Train:<br /> To those of you who dealt with IF, would it be hard to hear a simple 'I'm thinking of you' from friends and family? Maybe it's just me but it's short and simple and doesn't infer anything. I even thought about that phrase coming from my enemy and I think I would be okay with it. I think I would be very touched. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663298 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:30:11 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 663298@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think about my TTC friends all the time, but it's a subject I never want to bring up unless they bring it up first because I feel like it's such a sensitive, personal issue. What if it's not something they want to be reminded of, you know? It's also something I can't relate to, so I always assume they'd rather hear from someone who truly can understand or relate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663293 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:28:03 +0000 marionberry 663293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: I agree with the other bees that it really depends on the relationship you have with that person. There were some close friends I felt comfortable telling about my struggles, so when they asked me questions, I didn't mind talking about it. But when my mom asked I always just acted like it was just taking awhile and never mentioned our fertility issues. I think in your situation it'd be great to just say, "hey if you ever need someone to talk to about your fertility struggles, I'm here" then it gives them the option to talk to you when/if they're ready. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663284 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:24:22 +0000 Mrs. Train 663284@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I talked with someone who I know was open, she was a blogger, so I would read her posts and then I would make sure I emailed her. Since I went through it I felt like I could be a good listener and talk about my experiences. I think if you are close with someone you could have the conversation about whether they wan to talk about it or not. If they say they didn't want to talk about I I would probably not bring it up again until they did. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663283 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:21:47 +0000 travelgirl1 663283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I had trouble TTC so am very aware that others around me might be too. My SIL keeps having recurrent miscarriages and my thoughts are always with her. I used to email her asking how she was regularly until I knew she was trying again, now I worry about asking how she is in case she thinks I'm fishing for info about whether she is pregnant or not - not really sure how to handle that one. Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck with TTC and your BFP isn't far away! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663282 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:20:23 +0000 MamaBehr 663282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My SIL and Brother were having major fertility issues. They were able to get pregnant but there were many miscarriages, and then on my first try I got pregnant. I never wanted to ask how she was doing too much, because I was ashamed, well that isn't the right word- upset- guilty -anger (at myself, the situation, everything), something like this. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but I know that she didn't want to talk about it and certainly not with me. </p> <p> There was a strange feeling I had during my whole pregnancy whenever I thought about them. I couldn't bring it up, I felt like it wasn't my place. Believe me, I never forgot about her, not once. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663277 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:16:40 +0000 dagret 663277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do, but I have been there, and I don't want to be so intrusive in case they want to keep their distance now that it's finally worked for me, you know? So I try to at least text or fb message occasionally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663223 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 20:28:51 +0000 swedishfish 663223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: @redsmarties: I agree with redsmarties. It depends on the person. I felt comfortable with some people asking and definitely would not have felt comfortable with others. But I have no qualms about sharing my story now if it helps others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/selfish-moment-do-you-think-of-your-friends-having-trouble-ttc#post-663213 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 20:26:35 +0000 Mrs. Oatmeal 663213@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: I would be so careful about mentioning it. I know the original poster wants friends to ask, but I would have been uncomfortable talking about it (probably would have cried, in all honesty). But I think it depends on the person. If your friend was open enough to share details with you, then maybe they are just waiting for you to ask. I guess everyone's a little different. </p>