https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 05:27:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2262012 Wed, 12 Aug 2015 19:04:36 +0000 silverbuggy 2262012@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hi all!! I wanted to report back on the birthday party. My son Lucas had a mini meltdown on the day of the party when he realized the presents really weren't for him, but luckily at the end of the day, he did get a handful of presents anyway, so he was a happy camper. But I can see how 4-year-old may not be the best age for this. I think that in the past (1/2/3 year old), he was oblivious and didn't even care to open presents afterwards. I also think that as he gets older, he'll probably understand better too.</p> <p>That said, most but not all presents were fulfilled. Just wanted to throw out there that if any of you have an upcoming birthday party that you'd like to sponsor, OR if you have something used lying around at home that you think matches what the kid wants, please sign up on the website and/or let me know here! I will private message you the mailing address.</p> <p>[Link removed per our crowdfunding policy, sorry!! - Mr. Bee]</p> <p>Thanks,<br /> Vivienne </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214523 Sun, 21 Jun 2015 09:30:07 +0000 Keybee 2214523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214522 Sun, 21 Jun 2015 09:30:07 +0000 Keybee 2214522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love your premise and totally support. I hate giving gifts to my niece because she is super spoiled and doesnt appreciate them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214520 Sun, 21 Jun 2015 09:25:56 +0000 tofuwad 2214520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really appreciate this post because I've been thinking for years about what to do about birthdays for my kids. What I used to do with my youngest sister was tell her around her birthday that if she got X number of presents that we would have to get rid of X number of toys and donate them (but she was older, I think I started this in 1st grade). Anyways, sorry I have no advice, I'm very curious to see how it goes because I've been thinking about doing a version of this for my kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214480 Sun, 21 Jun 2015 07:03:28 +0000 honeybear 2214480@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@silverbuggy: I don't think anyone here means to make you feel sad or guilty. I suspect that most of the objections are coming from the perspective of "how would I feel if a party host made this request?" That's how I responded to your post. </p> <p>I think you've articulated my objection: Party guests shouldn't be told to bring the "right" gifts, even if there is a clear expectation that they will bring a gift to a birthday party. It's not nice for a host to make demands of guests, and the proposed charity wishlist comes loaded with extra baggage because now not only is the party guest being told how to give her gift, but she is also made to feel guilty if she doesn't want to give a gift in the way the host has directed (some guests may be perfectly generous on their own, but really want to give the birthday child something in particular). On the whole, it's better not to put guests in this position, I think. </p> <p>That said, I totally understand and appreciate the sentiments behind your plans. I think, however, that charitable acts are meaningful for the giver when done with the giver's own money/time/resources, and much less so when done by enlisting others. </p> <p>I recognize that the final recipient will probably not care about the origin of the item, but the guests do and the child who is being "taught" how to give will have learned that "charity" includes being a middleman with no actual sacrifice on his part. I can tell from your posts that you have good intentions and I think that is wonderful. But I think you may have overlooked the things I outlined above, and since I think they are contrary to what you're trying to achieve, I thought I'd point them out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214456 Sun, 21 Jun 2015 04:24:08 +0000 silverbuggy 2214456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow I didn't expect this many responses. It makes me feel a little sad and guilty, especially about using our guests to do good (rather than do good ourselves). I guess where I was coming from was that in the last few years, a lot of the birthday presents he got went unappreciated. We have 2 kids now, so that's double the presents. I've been to birthday parties where the parents ask for no gifts, but I always bring something anyways because I feel bad really going empty handed. And so I thought rather than ask for no gifts (and get gifts anyway), why not just have directed gifts to children in need. And I now a lot of good happens around holiday season, and around here there's a non profit that focuses solely on a holiday drive, but there's a couple things that I think are wrong with that. 1) Why does giving have to be seasonal? Why can't it be year round? and 2) Why do presents have to be new? (as per the organization). There are perfectly good used items. I've even gone out of my way to buy used items for myself. So I think we could hit 2 birds with 1 stone and reuse as well as do good.</p> <p>Just to clarify, I got the list of items from a community worker. And I was planning to tell the parents that they could buy new or used. Like there's a boy who really wanted a bike but it was too expensive to put on the list, so he settled for a remote controlled car. But I think he would be super happy with a used bike. But I mean, in general, a lot of the kids want legos and dolls, and I think if it's in good condition used would be great as well.</p> <p>On another note, for his birthday 2 years ago, I thought about putting up a wishlist, but felt awkward about doing that. So I ended up not. What I'm curious to hear from you all is, what do you think if I didn't make it all about the birthday boy or about giving, but instead a mixture of both? What if the message was ___ wants to share his birthday this year. There's a few items we've listed that he wants, and others that he wants going to other children. Gifts don't have to be new. If you have a used toy that you think ___ or the other kids would like, please share.</p> <p>Also, there was another comment about this type of "charity" not being good because it's not essentials. I disagree about that. I grew up in a well off family but felt like love was lacking. In Africa where I grew up, there were "poor" kids who were surrounded by a loving community and were super happy. Here in one of the neighborhoods, the kids are "poor" but i don't think they're nearly as happy as the kids I saw in Africa. I don't think happiness is defined by rich or poor, and I think the gift is just a token of love and care. And I think everyone deserves to have a happy day, not just a birthday boy.</p> <p>By the way, I'm very interested in tackling this problem and make giving feel more personal. I don't think it has to even be tied to birthdays at all. But for my personal case, it just seemed right. (Though I'm having doubts now that I've seen everyone's comments). I don't know if you guys are familiar with watsi.org but I'd love for something like that, but for kids and young mothers. I took some time off "real" work a few months ago and have been tinkering around with a lot of different ideas (coding). If any of you are interested in this issue, please let me know! I have a bunch of other ideas related to mommyhood too.</p> <p>I'll let you all know how the birthday party turns out... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214432 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 23:28:43 +0000 regberadaisy 2214432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I actually read it as "parents" like the parents of the kids invited. Not necessarily just her parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214399 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 21:22:07 +0000 Anagram 2214399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@regberadaisy: OP said in her post that she's just asking her parents to do this. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. So, since it's a close relationship, I assume OP would just tell her parents what's on the list? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214395 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 21:16:23 +0000 yoursilverlining 2214395@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@silverbuggy: I wanted to add that one thing that's worked really well for us to get LO comfortable with the idea of giving her old toys away was to start with baby clothes and baby toys - stuff that didn't fit at all and that she didn't play with at all. We went through everything and talked about how babies need special toys, etc and then took then to a local shelter with babies there. That made her REALLY excited to see the direct connect between her giving and babies receiving, and now LO suggests giving on her own sometimes. If, in going through toys, she decides we must absolutely keep a certain toy (that she otherwise never plays with and hasn't cared about in months) I don't push it - giving should feel good for the giver, there shouldn't be negative associations with it. If you're forcing it, then i don't think your point and message will get through. I certainly don't believe doing what you're suggesting will cause some psychological trauma, but we generally don't continue as older kids and eventually adults doing things that we don't enjoy doing - know what I mean? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214350 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 19:24:51 +0000 Tanjowen 2214350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@silverbuggy: I think this is a great idea - depending on how it is done. If it's giving a gift to your child, and then giving that gift away, I think that's a very hard lesson for a small child. But if that child is encouraged to go with you to help pick out toys for other children in need, or gets to go deliver the presents to the social worker, then that could be a very good thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214344 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 19:13:52 +0000 regberadaisy 2214344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OP: I am curious; if you have a specific list of gifts to buy. How do your guests know what to purchase? Are you literally telling them to not buy gifts for your son but to buy XYZ instead that will be donated? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214343 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 19:11:53 +0000 Anagram 2214343@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Im also having a birthday party for my LO and saying no gifts and spreading the word that we really dont need or have space for anything, even more books. </p> <p>So i definitely disagree with the notion that a small party must equal tons of gifts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214341 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 19:09:37 +0000 Anagram 2214341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I actually think its great idea. I get what you are saying....you aren't making him give up toys people are giving him, you got a list of items that someone in need has asked for and are asking grandparents to do that instead. </p> <p>My family always did similar at Christmas. We always adopted a family and kept our own gift giving fairly minimal. It was always exciting for me as a kid to pick out presents for the kids in our adopted family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214339 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 19:01:25 +0000 ShootingStar 2214339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think this particular lesson is appropriate for a birthday. As others have pointed out, there are better ways to do this. </p> <p>If you think your son is spoiled and don't want him to get a ton of presents, don't have a party. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214331 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 18:22:12 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 2214331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've donated my kids birthday toys without their knowledge before (they were 1 and 3) since we don't open gifts at parties and I specifically requested no gifts, so I felt fine donating them to the hospital where my younger son stayed for a while. I think my older one is wiseing up on the while gift thing, so I won't try pulling that off this year, but will instead ask them to pick out new toys we can donate around the holiday time. I want them to feel generous rather than wronged, you know? Many places don't accept used toys, so unfortunately giving old stuff away is harder. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214324 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 17:53:48 +0000 Modern Daisy 2214324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you could leave it up to him? Since you explained it many times - remind him after everyone leaves and the high dies down. Start small, dont expect him to give away everything - maybe just one toy. And its fine if its something he already has or doesnt want in the first place. Right now you are introducing him to the idea, with time he will get it. And you dont want him to think he doesnt deserve those presents, they are his. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214278 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 15:21:17 +0000 looch 2214278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's wonderful to sponsor a family or a child in need during the holidays and buy them things on their wishlist that they wouldn't normally get. It's a way to bring sunshine into their lives.</p> <p>But don't ask guests to fund it. I am sure that's not how it was intended, but it comes off that way to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214253 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 13:46:41 +0000 Truth Bombs 2214253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that this is probably not the best way to go about teaching your child about giving to the less fortunate. It shouldn't be a negative experience of "you have to give away your birthday presents because you have too much already". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214250 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 13:34:08 +0000 honeybear 2214250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Generosity is something I think is best taught by example and modeling. I don't think using birthday gift-givers to do the giving on the child's behalf, even if the child does the selection and delivery, really teaches a child how to give. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think this is a very good idea. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214238 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 12:56:44 +0000 Mae 2214238@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nice idea but I think its a little too "big" for a 4 year old. I'd have him donate some old toys, or have him pick SOME of his new toys to donate, or adopt a family for christmas and let him help shop for the gifts. Or even just maybe ask people to not bring many gifts (or nothing expensive) then take him shopping to help pick out some gifts or something. But having him open a bunch of cool stuff and he has to give almost all of it away seems like it might be too much at that age. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214235 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 12:47:18 +0000 NavyRN2012 2214235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with PPs in that I don't think a birthday is the appropriate time to teach this message. And I certainly wouldn't let him open gifts and then tell him they must be given away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214230 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 12:35:41 +0000 Torchwood 2214230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely get a very bad feeling about this. My love language is gifts though, so I'm assuming it's tied to that. It would be really upsetting for me to have had my parents do that to me. I agree that while it's good to work on these things, a birthday is not the time. I think I would focus on asking for experiences (e.g. zoo/museum memberships) instead of physical gifts, and probably have him do a "one in, one out" and donate old toys. Than I'd research other ways to work on this later, when it's not his birthday. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214228 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 12:15:45 +0000 mrsrugbee 2214228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have some aversion to this and I'm trying to pinpoint exactly why.</p> <p>We're really minimalist when it comes to toys. I find most are frivolous or send outright bad messages. Personally, I don't think ANY kids need like 95% of the toys they have so I guess I don't see how kids in need are really benefiting from this kind of charity. I'm more inclined to make sure they're eating well and have good quality shoes.</p> <p>I guess having talked through it, it feels like feeding consumerism on everyone's part. I'd sooner ask for no gifts but rather a donation to a charity that's hands-on &amp; DD could get involved in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214221 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 11:55:00 +0000 smores 2214221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is interesting. I don't know the details because I heard about it 2nd-hand, but I guess this happened to a friend's husband when he was younger and he was "traumatized" and he believes it still affects him today (to explain the need to buy bigger and better "toys" like TVs, motorcycles, trips etc.) He even filed for bankruptcy awhile back. Not sure how much of this behavior was actually "caused" by that or really was the product of just his general upbringing or perhaps none of it was the cause and he's just irresponsible with money and uses that as an excuse for sympathy...? </p> <p>I like the idea in theory but perhaps being given the toys and then having to give them away is hard. Maybe don't give them to him at all but show him pictures of the children with them? Or take him to the store with the purpose of "picking out toys for the kids"?? </p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214146 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 08:07:22 +0000 travelgirl1 2214146@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like @yoursilverlining: suggestion. I love the idea but don't think his birthday is the time to do it. Donating old toys would be great, hr could up through them and be a big part of the process. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214142 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 08:01:34 +0000 yoursilverlining 2214142@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I sort of love this idea, but I also think that it is likely to end up in meltdowns and hurt feelings if done at a birthday party.</p> <p>Why not just request no gifts and then go through your sons old toys and donate them, and talk about why you are donating. We do that several times a year with our now 3 year old - it's a process to get them to understand that some kids have no toys and we should share, etc. but it's also a totally learnable lesson. </p> <p>People can be weird too about being "forced" to give, when they were expecting to gift to the birthday boy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214135 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 07:38:27 +0000 regberadaisy 2214135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely think it's a worthwhile lesson to teach and at 4 they should understand. But i also think at 4 if presents are given to them then taken away? That just seems like an epic tantrum waiting to happen. Maybe the ones meant to be donated should be put into a completely separate pile? Seems like he will still be getting plenty of gifts of his own so I think it should be Ok.</p> <p>Personally though I don't think his birthday is the best time to be teaching this lesson. I kinda think of a birthday as the one time in the year it's ok to be all about the child.<br /> My daughter is 3 and for the past two years we have sponsored a family for the holidays with my ILs. LO helps to go buy the presents and do the drop off. She hasn't understand in the past two years but I think starting this holiday she'll probably start asking questions and we'll explain why. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214098 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 01:31:40 +0000 silverbuggy 2214098@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>oh yea on the note of long term impact....i have had other worries though it doesn't belong in this thread. both my husband and i are quite ocd and anal, and we're seeing those traits in our children. i can't tell exactly how much is nurture vs nature (genetics), but i think nurture definitely has a big role. so i feel bad about that. trying to change.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214097 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 01:30:15 +0000 silverbuggy 2214097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Actually, we're not just gifting random toys to the children. We've identified exactly who wants what, and the presents will be labeled with those children's names (maybe changed due to privacy). I forgot to mention he did request for bubbles. So he'll definitely be getting that, probably from us. And I think the grandparents will probably buy him stuff. And yea, we're thinking of delivering the toys ourselves, though it would probably be to the social worker and not the children themselves. i'm hoping he'll see photos of the children with the toys (if their parents permit) or a thank you note that he can appreciate (we can read it to him). thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/sharing-birthday-presents-with-children-in-need#post-2214095 Sat, 20 Jun 2015 01:26:31 +0000 hellocupcake 2214095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm wondering if you could revisit when his birthday comes. Maybe open the presents when everyone leaves and tell him he can only keep one? Or ask him to give up toys he has in exchange for the new toys? Some sort of combination of the two. We never really know how the decisions we make as parents will effect them in the long run but im sure you'll be able to recognize if your son isn't responding well to giving away his toys. I also wonder if he can give his toys directly to kids in need as opposed to dropping them off at an office somewhere. Maybe seeing the kids he is helping will make the process easier? Good luck. </p>