https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 15 Apr 2026 09:53:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2153037 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 16:34:16 +0000 Jess1483 2153037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"Dear SIL, It seems that you and I have very different visions for this shower. It is your shower, and I want you to be very happy with the outcome. As such, I no longer believe I'm the best person to host. I look forward to attending any shower thrown for you as a guest."</p> <p>But that's me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2153025 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 16:23:46 +0000 MrsH 2153025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: I would very politely decline to host the shower at this point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152991 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 15:45:54 +0000 Keybee 2152991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's super annoying! And really ungrateful. Sorry. :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152982 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 15:33:55 +0000 ShootingStar 2152982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: He was basically saying that no money for an event for SIL should go towards food she's ethically opposed to. </p> <p>I really don't appreciate being told how I'm allowed to spend my money. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152805 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 13:26:43 +0000 Anagram 2152805@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: That message crosses the line then. Money that could go to SIL? What does that even mean? NO one is responsible for giving her money! Totally bizarre. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152508 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 11:09:22 +0000 littlejoy 2152508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am a vegan, so I'm trying to think back through my requests ... For my shower, I was vegetarian. We kept it super light ... I didn't have to request anything, because my best friend just knew I was vegetarian, and honored that. She did go out of her way to buy a few GF cupcakes for anyone who was GF, which I thought was really kind. </p> <p>For my LO's birthday party, we had switched to vegan by then, and I hosted it at our house. I made everything (minus the desserts, I bought vegan (amazing) cupcakes)... it was all really good. I'm happy to send you our menu (it was also not at mealtime, but we had some substantial foods). </p> <p>I guess I figure if someone offers to throw me a shower, they probably understand my values. If it's in my house, everything will be vegan. If it's somewhere else, I think vegetarian is perfectly doable and acceptable. And, because I'm the "weird" one with a different diet, I would offer to plan the menu (and help with the food). Being vegan is super easy (and desserts are amazing), but it's taken a lot of time to settle into it. I think it's kind of crazy for her to demand you do all of this, without giving guidance. </p> <p>She sounds rude, and not because she's requesting vegan food. Ha. She just seems a bit entitled. </p> <p>I would send her a message saying that you need some help with the food. Otherwise, I'd offer to do a vegetarian menu, and tell her there will be vegan options. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152441 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 10:28:43 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2152441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband's venue comment sounds pretty spot on. At some point in the near future I would suggest having a frank conversation with the interested parties that you are unable to host the shower. What's really going on here is your SIL is planning her shower and expecting you and everyone else tomake it happen. If you were okay with that deferring all decisions and budget considerations to her that would be fine, but you're not. It's not like you asked her, what do you want? And her only limit was her imagination. Sounds like your SIL and BIL should just underwrite their own shower.</p> <p>I personally would love a vegan menu since its a departure from my norm. I have eaten hearty vegan meals and tasted yummy vegan desserts. The way to make sure guests don't leave hungry is to have enough food and make sure it tastes good. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152378 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 10:00:49 +0000 ShootingStar 2152378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh and I forgot to mention her FI sent a fairly rude message to DH telling him "no money that could go to SIL should be spent on non-vegan food." And also told us FIL will be getting a vegan caterer. Which made DH comment to me: "well I guess we're a venue now."</p> <p>And BTW FIL is 70, still working because he can't afford to retire, and SIL/FI think it's fine to have him what will probably turn into $1k. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152367 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 09:57:46 +0000 ShootingStar 2152367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@TheSwissWifeStyle: I think your requests are perfectly reasonable, and this is more what I was expecting to accommodate. </p> <p>I won't actually be cooking for the shower, I had intended to go with Wegman's catering, which is what we did for DS's first birthday and it was great. </p> <p>I just feel like this shower is REALLY gift grabby. SIL gave us a list of 75 people, some of whom she hasn't talked to in decades. I think it kind of screams "we invited you so you'd buy a nice gift." So when these people show up and all we've provided are some fruit platters and olives (this is what she requested) then it will look really bad and people will be offended. So part of what frustrates me is the type of food she wants us to limit it to, and part is the amount. I don't want people showing up to our house and getting offended.</p> <p>@MrsBananaGrabber: We get along ok, she's about 10 years younger than me and doesn't live near me so we're not close. I was excited that she was having a baby and wanted to do something nice because they're pretty much destitute. She makes minimum wage and her FI is a phd student. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152108 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 07:49:14 +0000 MrsBananaGrabber 2152108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @macintosh: that it's not any burden on the non-vegan guests to have all vegan food, but of course the vegan guests can't eat non-vegan food. </p> <p>I'm going to dissent a bit from everyone else and say that while yes, she may be acting demanding and entitled and rude, the shower is ultimately for her, the honoree. Part of hosting an event for someone else is going with the choices they like instead of your own preferences. If you're hosting a birthday party for a little kid, you'd go with a theme like princesses or pirates, even if you'd prefer casino night. Likewise, if you're hosting a party for a vegan, I don't think it's unreasonable to have a predominately or entirely vegan menu. Everyone else can deal with it for a few hours- it's not THEIR shower.</p> <p>I'm a bit surprised you offered to host her shower, since it sounds like you don't get along very well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2152041 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 07:02:42 +0000 looch 2152041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Call me crazy, but if I showed up to a shower and the food was vegan, I would be really impressed! </p> <p>I come from an Italian family where food=love, so I get having a full course meal at snack times, but I have found most people to be really understanding.<br /> Google wacky cake or depression cake, it is a vegan cake and it tastes like those hostess cupcakes! The challenge is the frosting, but these are soon good on their own. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151978 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 04:17:43 +0000 TheSwissWifeStyle 2151978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a vegan myself, who's own shower is being planned right now, I think it's unfair of her to request the whole thing be 100% vegan. </p> <p>If I was throwing myself a shower, that's one thing. But MIL/DH are planning it. I expect whatever food there is to be a mix of vegan and omnivore. The only thing I requested is that the cake be vegan, obviously so I can eat it! (I have a huge sweet tooth and "the cake" was important to me!) Our location poses a bit of a problem for this, so DH and I will probably end up making it anyway. </p> <p>The only other thing I wanted to be vegan was the prizes for games and favors. We're doing mostly bath type items, so I just ordered cruelty free stuff. It was important to me because I felt they came "from me" you know? </p> <p>But food wise, I have no problem with non-vegan options. (Unless it was like veal or foie gras, then I'd probably be mad.) I think they are doing a pot luck, I really don't know. I only have one other vegan friend. </p> <p>So.......I don't know what to tell your SIL! I agree that she's being a PITA!</p> <p>*Oh and vegan desserts can be quite yummy. I've had non-vegans order cupcakes from me for various events! I'd def. go with someone who is experienced in vegan-only desserts, as sometimes bakeries who have a "vegan option" don't quite get it right. Whole Foods would probably be an exception to this though. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151879 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 21:25:29 +0000 ShootingStar 2151879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Yes it's DH's sister. The shower is at a non meal time but I don't think that's going to change anyone's expectations that there should be a large amount of food. For some perspective, we went to celebrate Easter dinner with them at 2pm and had heavy appetizers, then a meal with a giant ham, a rack of lamb and a turkey. Plus sides and then a ton of desserts. These people don't really do "keeping it light". Or vegan. </p> <p>My issue is not with serving vegan food, but the way it was demanded. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151867 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 21:11:11 +0000 Anagram 2151867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: Is this your husband's sister, or your brother's wife? If it's your husband's sister, and it's her mom and your MIL that wants to "keep it light and healthy", then I would definitely ask DH to step in and help with the food menu. Is it their side of the family that usually has heavy, italian meals?</p> <p>Is the shower at a non-meal time? </p> <p>I do understand the frustration and I do think etiquette dictates the host gets to decide a menu, but trying to put myself in your shoes...if it were my SIL (my husband's sister), and she requested Vegan, I would make it happen. Our whole wedding reception was totally vegetarian because most of their family is vegetarian--even though I'm not and my family is not. But I was happy to do it and liked the challenge.</p> <p>Whole Foods has a lot of vegan cupcakes and stuff--you could probably also find a vegan bakery around to do a cake or something simple. My daughter is dairy free, so we have to get vegan desserts for her birthday and stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151851 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:48:09 +0000 Mrs. Microscope 2151851@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I threw a shower a few years agao for a friend, and she requested vegan and gluten free everything! We only had 25 people to feed though... It was still a pain! Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151848 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:41:08 +0000 macintosh 2151848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: While I do think she's being rude dictating everything when you are hosting, I disagree that it's rude to only serve vegan food to the guests. Everyone (with the exception of allergies) can eat vegan food. My shower was very small and we only had vegetarian options bc my DH doesn't eat meat and I don't need to have it. Nobody complained. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151847 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:39:20 +0000 As Time Goes By 2151847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: as a vegetarian I think that's pretty ridiculous. I wouldn't have imagined asking my shower hosts to make it all meatless. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151839 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:34:42 +0000 Kimberlybee 2151839@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't believe how rude she is being! She sounds like a bratty, ungrateful person right now. It's fine to include vegan options but there should be meaty appetizers for others too. I am throwing a baby shower for a good friend in the summer but it's stressing me the hell out. So I totally understand! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151836 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:33:04 +0000 blackbird 2151836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: then he can throw the damned party </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151824 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:26:28 +0000 brownie 2151824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: I have three great vegan/allergy friendly dessert recipes that nonvegan/non allergic people enjoy. One for cake and one for chocolate chip cookies and one chocolate pudding. Let me know if you want them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151810 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:13:11 +0000 ShootingStar 2151810@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well I'm glad you guys don't think I'm crazy. It's causing a huge fight with DH and I. He thinks I'm making a big issue over nothing. I'm about ready to let him run with it and say eff it all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151805 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:11:21 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2151805@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd just say no because not all th guests are vegan. Having 50% vegan dishes including a dessert or two is plenty enough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151801 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:09:52 +0000 catomd00 2151801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why don't you just say no? Tell her you will have vegan options available and you will take care of the rest. As the host, you are well within your right to do so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151799 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:09:23 +0000 lawbee11 2151799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That blows. And vegan desserts sound awful. I'd be so peeved! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151795 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:07:16 +0000 Mrs. Taco 2151795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. That is unbelievably inconsiderate both to you and the guests. I would probably say to SIL that she needs to furnish the recipes that will satisfy her guests who are used to more traditional options. I would be SO passive aggressive during the conversation and suggest that she assists with the prep since she has such a clear goal in mind (insert eye roll). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151784 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 20:01:36 +0000 blackbird 2151784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Holy freaking rude. A vegan OPTION is one thing. Dictating so specifically to the host? Throw it yourselves!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151781 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 19:59:10 +0000 FaithFertility 2151781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>UGHH I am sorry, I maybe ask MIL for help with menu??? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/shower-question#post-2151777 Tue, 21 Apr 2015 19:55:26 +0000 ShootingStar 2151777@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've mentioned before that I offered to throw SIL a baby shower. Previously she wanted to see the invite to OK it, which I thought was kind of rude. Now she's insisting that the menu be vegan.</p> <p>I'm really annoyed with this for several reasons. For one, she put 75 people on the guest list. 6 of which are actually vegan. And I go to a lot of family meals with most of the people they invited - it's a large Italian family and meals usually involve a TON of food. </p> <p>She's basically requested we "keep it light" and serve fruit plates, hummus and olives. Oh and "vegan desserts" (I was told talk to BIL about these I have no idea what this specifically means). </p> <p>We will of course serve everything she requests. But I feel like it does a disservice to the rest of our guests to not provide other foods as well. And honestly it really rubs me the wrong way that "insists it be vegan". We are opening up our home to a giant amount of people and probably spending several hundred dollars on this party. </p> <p>And now my MIL is weighing in saying "why can't we just eat healthy for one flipping meal?"</p> <p>I'm about ready to call the whole thing off. </p>